Sunday, December 31, 2006

Horny ass hell..

I am horny.

I want some fucking crazy sex.

I want..pain..I want..insanity..


Saturday, December 30, 2006

.. i'm one day into this..
I'm fucking insane..

When this is all over I am going to very hard..
I wasn't quite sure what would happen..but I am being used...deliciously used..
and it's by the one person I thought I would hate forever..
..and I can't help it...

He has my heart..he has my heart..
How is this supposed to end?
When I go back to the airport will I be handed my heart back and given a pat on the back and a "thanks for the sex al"

..I dont wan't to talk about this because the more I do the more I am certain it is a grave mistake that I am making, and the more I realize how big of a mistake this is..the more I want to stop doing it.. but I can't..

I've worked so hard to get here..and now...if feels like I haven't gone..anywere

He started it...I wasn't gonna make a move..he made it first...these five words keep repeating over and over again in my head .....dont give him your heart....

..I miss my Eddie.. and with all the shit going on in my fucking life..the thought of just maybe...having someone one wants to be alone..but me especially right now.. I dont want to be alone! ...I dont want this heartbreak

I dont want this heartbreak....

Friday, December 29, 2006

I can't remember

I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end.

My life is fucked up.

I know this...

I also know that there is one person who's life is far more fucked then mine is..
..she just doesn't know it yet..

I'm worried. Really worried.

She is gonna get her heartbroken or worse...
and there is nothing I can do to help her..
because she doesn't care what I have to say..

..because if she did she'd fucking talk to me.

Everyone keeps telling me to say how I feel..


..what the fuck is that shit about..

I thought we were one person..remember? REMEMBER? That's what you said.


Sunday, December 24, 2006

I love them but..

I love my family to death but...

Right now they are being so incredibily annoying.
I'm really tired..and really worn out from's christmas eve..I just want to go home..

I miss talking to Eddie..

I'm really nervous about this trip..

I know what's going to happen..
I'm going to cry

I hate crying..

Okay..i'm a little drunk ..right now..

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

doctors take the pain away

I went to the doctor today

I feel so much better
..She said everything looks fine

I look fine.

It's the first time i've felt normal in a long time
Like a normal teenage girl

I like that..

I'm not having unprotected sex anymore.
I promise myself.

I will try not to have unprotected sex anymore.

My blood pressure is perfect, I feel good about everything
The stess is melting away
Christmas is coming

..and Eddie hasn't made me feel like shit in two days!!
Because I haven't talked to him.


Maybe it is..just that simple.

There's this one person..that has been making me feel special lately..
but's a secret..

Saturday, December 16, 2006

My own personal fall out..

Eddie. I'm happy for you, you asshole.
Even though you weren't there for me to back me up with my dreams,
I'm still happy for you.

Even though it was more important to chill with Carla and Ian when I was going to drive myself into oncoming traffic..

I'm still happy for you.

I'm your own personal ego booster..fuck off
I'm still happy for you

You'll be a perfect doctor,
Maybe just a little bad on the bedside manner..
*Gives you the middle finger*

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Note to self...

Carla had a good idea, i'm stealing it:

I like hearing my brother's laugh, it makes my day.

Melissa has the coolest siblings i've ever met, ever.

I miss Voodoo, if this trip is terrible, seeing that cat will be worth it.

I will not break out, no, not happening, my face will listen to me.

I can't wait to be done with classes.

Laura is my oldest friend, and i'll always try to respect her.

In nineteen days I will let go of all the personal shit even if it kills me.

I will let the fact that I blew it with the most beautiful women i've ever known go..okay..i'll try to let it go..

I will except the fact that more then one person is going to use my car.

I will not smoke hookah every single day.

I will try my hardest not to become insane when talking to Eddie.

When I forgive someone I will stick to it.

I miss watching Lost.

I will try to watch what I eat, and I will drink more water.

...okay..i'm good for now..

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Wrapped up in my security blanket

Did you know I have a security blanket?
Literally. A blanket.

...well I do.

I don't bring it out that often, mostly when i'm depressed.
I've been known to actually take it to school.

High school...i'm doing pretty well with the college classes.

I've got it on right now..i'm pretty sure that means i'm depressed, but I don't really know what's making me sad.

I think it's the Death cab for cutie..

I'm listening to this song "Marching bands of Manhattan"
This song is really beautiful.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,
just like a faucet that drips and there is comfort in the sound.
And whether you think it's half empty or half full,
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown."

I love this song.

I have so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming. I should just do it, but I'm tired..and I don't want too, and that's really the thing, I don't want to.

I just want to be in the car with Brett, at the park, making love quietly while it snows outside.

I just want to be sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, feeling safe, feeling taken care of, feeling isolated from all the real shit in my life.

Real shit, like the fact that when Brett comes out here agian, I'm going to tell him that i'm in love with him, that I want to be with him in whatever way he'll let me.

Real shit like the fact that I have all these finals, and I just want to pass my classes, that's all I want, is just to not loose it at the last minute like I always do.

Real shit. Like my life. My life that I keep hiding from.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be trapped, I just want to be me..
I can't really remember the last time I was me, and not me and someone else.

I know what people think when I say that i'm in love. They think I'm just in love with the idea, of being in love. I never was really good at the whole relationship thing. I know this..and the truth of it is, I don't really want a relationship, not right now..

I'm not over the shitty ass mistakes I made in the last one.

But I want to love someone, with my whole heart. That desire has never left me.

I want it to be Brett. I want it to be him, because it's impossible, because it's not right down the street, because he doesn't want me.

..and I will always want what I think I can't have. I want to be surprised at the fact that I might actually get it, despite all odds. That is the best kind of love, the type you don't think you deserve, but really deep down know you do.

I'm tired of waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment when my life starts. It's a feeling deep in my chest that i'm waiting to be ignited.

"Why do you love me?"
"Because you make me come alive."

You can think that i'm a child if you want, but these are the thoughts of a mature women. I've been around the block, given..I might have had my security blanket over my shoulders...but i've been there, i've been low and i've been high..

and right now..I just want to be something.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Dont look at my legs...

so ..yeah.. I was wondering where this would fit into my life..

when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive but, you see,
it's more productive than if i were to be happy

you might say it's self-destructive but,
you see, i'd kick the bucket sixty times
before i'd kick the habit

i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline i've tried everything

You're (your) only concerned with your hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading
makes me want to give myself a beating....

So..dont look at my fucking legs anytime soon.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

What I want..

I'm just gonna drown in the deliciousness of this for a moment:

You tell me where to go
and though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

oh god.


This is not healthy..

I have tears in my eyes, because for the first time in..such a long time
I'm in love.


Oh my god. Something was just fixed in my body
I'm crying..i'm fucking crying..haha..this is awesome..

...maybe I ate too much chocolate..
It's brett.


Monday, November 27, 2006

blow it away in a bubble

Okay..The hate is gone..

I blew it away in a bubble..and now it's gone

I am a selfish person I know this now..
I dont like people touching my things
retired or otherwise

If it was mine..I dont want you putting your fucking (supposedtobelesbian) hands on it. maybe i'm still a little mad..

I'll let it time..


Saturday, November 25, 2006

Slut WHAT?


I'm definately a slut..
I am.

Not a whore..but a slut..

and you know..I can handle that..

I thought about it a lot..and

What's wrong with that?
I dont believe in God..
So i'm not going to hell for anything..

I want to do the things I do..
So...I'm not angry at myself anymore..

So i'm good with what i've done..
I dont make any promises to any boys.

I'm fuckin single..and as such that means I can
Touch. Kiss. Suck. Fuck. Any boy I choose.


I'm okay with that..

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Partying my life away

I'm in a good mood.
A very good mood.

I figured out a few things.

I'm a straight A student..
I'm good looking..
I love getting trashed.

I had an awesome night last night..and you know
I forgot about all the SHIT
and when I thought about it today..

It was ...small..

so PARTY! That is the key, my key, to not being so fucking depressed.

I knew I picked this blog for a reason..

Watch me party hard.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


What if your like that when I get down there?

Where are you? Come get me.

I am incomplete.

I am incomplete.

Just say WE WERE LOVERS..and we'll call it even..

I am the ground zero x-friend you ordered
Disguised as a hero to get past your boarders
I know when I'm wanted, i'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own busniess and speak when i'm spoken to

I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit, and attack when attacked.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 sucks


I really did it..I booked that ticket..

and it would appear as though i'm going to GA..the 29th through the 2nd..

I'm probably fucking nuts..
I know i'm fucking nuts..

Maybe i'll get closure..although I cant imagine how that would help..

I just want to see my friend..

The worst part about it? I can't tell anyone except Amanda..and as happy as she's not the same..ha...I used to count down on my fingers..

...I dont know..

My head's all cloudy...

I just..want to go back to the beginning..
even if that's impossible..

My mom is actually gonna take me..

Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state i'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tone
That I started looking for a warning sign

The truth is..that I miss you
yeah, the truth is
that I miss you
and i'm tired..

I'm just so tired..

Monday, November 13, 2006

can you

Can I love someone even though I barely know him?

Can I love someone that I hardly ever see?

I don't know..but I can tell you this..

..It seems to be the only thing that works for me..
nothing is stronger then the way I feel when I'm imagining how good it would be
Just to see him..

So i'm pretending..
So what?

So what, if that's enough for me?

I don't care what you think.

Because it makes me happy..
and I don't want real love

...I don't want reality
..not right now..

I want my imagination
I want my fantasy's

I want to dream for a month until I finally make those dreams come true...

and maybe then..I'll let go

But not a minute before...

So let me do this,
Let me be co-dependent

Let me dream...
and don't stop me until I wake up..

"The heart dies a slow death, sheading hope like leaves on a tree, until there are none. She paints her face to hide her face..."

Sunday, November 05, 2006


I think if I hand an animal..i'd be a happier person..

I've been laughing a lot..

thinking about everything in my life..

and you know..being alive is enough for me..
I'm happy i'm alive..

Friday, November 03, 2006

what the fuck?

So..this is annoying..

I just took my online test for sociology..and couldn't answer one of the questions because there wasn't an answer space for it.. knocked my grade down to a C when if should be an A...

I'm annoyed about whoa.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I was thinking..

Shove it up your ass
I am nothing but nice to you..

and all you do is ignore me?

Shove it.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

so i'm a bit upset

Time: 5:56pm

So...I feel..icky..

We're really over..
Why did I buy birthday presents..

Oh shit.

I don't want to be this girl..

I don't want to be this girl anymore..

I guess this is my giving up song?
You win..babe..

We can split germany right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take berlin and we'll call it even

you call it over and i call you psycho
significant other?
just say we were lovers!
And we'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Disgused as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted
I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business
and speak when I'm spoken to

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud, I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked!

And if we should see one another in passing
Aespite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
(there must be some kind of mistake)

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on unamerican

My place may be taken, but make no mistake
I can say without shame That you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding No safe covers
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do

Friday, October 27, 2006

Am I just tired..or am I tired?

I'm tired.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I know what's gonna eventually happen, I can feel it

I'm gonna wear myself out and whatever pieces are left will be picked up by someone

...and i'll just be with them..

a broken person..

Honestly I don't know
maybe i'll push through this..

maybe I wont..

It's a weird time in my life currently

Every thing ..all my emotions are so scrambled and bleh..

Maybe i'll learn how to let go..

right now i'm just tired..

Tired..of everything.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

God I feel for you..

Long weekend..

Thursday: 3 hour drive to see "Blue Man Group" and then a 3 hour drive back
Friday: Class and then "Dresden Dolls" concert
Saturday: Carving Pumpkins and then "Too Much Light"

I am seriously tired.
and my head hurts..

....I have way too good of a life..

Denny's at 3 in the morning...ha..I could barely stay awake long enough to eat my fries..

I miss Amanda..

Lissa and I have been bickering..
Maybe we're just not off our periods yet..

It doesn't matter..we love each other..

As far as my love life goes...

At Too Much Light they asked everyone who was in a relationship to stand at one point and I thought about standing, I even started to..and then I sat...and you know? I was okay with that..

Because I'd rather not get hurt at all..

Alone is good.

...I think I can do this alone thing...

...Especially with Eddie....keeping me


I told him yesterday...

"You broke my heart, and then you saw the pieces of it hit the floor and you got scared, so you picked them up, and now your holding them in your hand..."

...but holding them in the wrong way is gonna make my heart heal funny...

I can already feel that happening.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I need a shower

I need a shower

I realized that I can just type and my blog automatically turns the font to white.
That's the shit.

I think I pretty much have normality back,
I feel a lot better.

Stupid period.


That breakdown was pretty bad though..
I don't know how i'm gonna clean up this mess i've made..

*harder sigh*

There are three colleges in IL that I can go to for interpreting school..
and Columbia..

I'm leaning towards Columbia because it's a university..
I think I might look around in other states..but the language is different
So it would be better for me if I stayed here..

I have a least one more year at Triton though..

Man I need a shower..

I forgave Mike..
Maybe that wasn't the best idea..
It'll play out..


Eddie is a headache I give myself..

I should just not worry about him..
I'm just..not...gonna worry about him..
He'll be fine..

He'll find happiness..
and as soon as he does..
I'll let go.

It's probably better this way..
I've found that if someone waits for you
They really do love you.

So..we'll see how that goes..

Wherever this road takes me..I know happiness is at the end of it..

...I hope...I hope happiness is at the end of it..

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I forgot to say

I'm sorry..

For whatever that's worth..i'm sorry that I just walked away the way I did.

For some reason I thought neither of you would understand why..
But you do..

Thank you for understanding..

I don't know what my plan is ..

right now i'm just...waiting..

waiting for something to happen with my emotions.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

2:40 pm

okay...I've completely lost it.

100% gone crazy.

I could wait forever.
I would wait forever.
I will long as it takes...

I don't think it's possible for me to ever have a love like the one I had with Eddie.
Yeah..sometimes it was terrible..
Yeah..sometimes I wasn't even in love with him..

...But at least it was fuckin real.

And if I have to wait forever to get back to that..

...I will.

100% insane right now.

Maybe i'll find someone better.
I don't want someone better..
...not right now, not at this second

I want Eddie.

Even if it's just for a fucking second...



....I'm tired...i'm so fucking tired of not loving anyone..

The truth? The honest to god truth?
The only time I feel love is when i'm on the phone with him..

and even's this faded memory of what I used to have.
He's right...he's absolutely right when he says i'm hanging on..

I fucking am.
I am hanging on with every muscle in my body..

because if I let go..

....that means i'm alone...

and I hate being alone..
alone hurts
alone makes me write blogs like this..

....I need to be underneath someone who fucking loves me..
...who I love back.

Even if it's just one more time..before I die..

and I dont even care how fucked up I am right now
I dont care.

Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

Where am I in terms of getting over Eddie?

I know he isn't coming back. I know that.
I know that even if he came back, it's not time for us to be together.

I still love him..i'm still in love with him..'s different that full on lust...but it's still..lustful...

He's my friend.

He's my best friend.

..and all I really want is to enjoy being his friend...
and maybe sometimes have sex...

I've learned that having sex with someone doesn't automatically mean you love them.
My mistake.

But when you find that person that you sleep with..because you love them..'s so good.

That you only meant well (well of course you did)
That's it all for the best (oh yeah you know it is)
That's it's just what we need (who decided this)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Pain killer..

I like this new blog..

...I think we'll do it like this for awhile..

Saturday, October 14, 2006


I've just hit a fence
I blacked out before I hit it..
on 25th ave..
I'm not..telling anyone..

Maybe the circumstances of my life are a bit more serious then i'd like to admit..

The dust has only just begun to fall...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Better pack your bags and run
Or stay until the job is done
Baby you could sit and hope
That providence will fray the rope
And sink like a stone
Or go it alone

There will consequences that come along with breaking up with the person who was previously my best friend.
There will be consequences that come with hurting her feelings.
There will be consequences that come from deciding to pick the same classes of the person your attempting to be in a relationship with..

There isn't much chance of coming out clean.

....but...I can breathe..
I'm not worried about my emotions anymore
..And if loosing her is a consequence of living the way I want to
...then I have to do that..

It hurts...really bad..
the thought of not having her in my life at all...
That hurts.

but it doesn't hurt as bad as it would if I forced myself to be happy.. I know i'm doing the right thing..
The right thing for me..
for my sanity.

I need to be ...single..
I need to look around..
To shop around..
to go to a real college..

To be a real person.

Just one peron.
Not a 1/3 of a person..

If no one understand that..okay.
Because I do..

and I think that's all that matters..

And isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
Isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
For you...

And isn't it enough to prove today's the day?
Isn't it enough to prove today's the day?

Friday, October 13, 2006

It'll play out however it plays out.. it is..

I'm not ready.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not happy.

So..i'm gonna work on those things first, if that's okay with you..

I'm tired of not caring about how I feel..

not anymore.

I will not push my emotions aside anymore, to try and make someone else happy..
I just can't do that anymore..

It hurts my body...and you know what?

That was okay for awhile..because I was making you happy (steve)
but...I can't get hurt anymore..I don't like forcing myself to do something because people are telling me it's the right move..

I'm gonna figure out what the right move is for myself, if that's okay with you..

I'm sorry to you Steve..i'm sorry for emblishing the truth..
but you seemed so confident that you loved me..and that was..overwhelming..especially for someone who had just come out of a relationship...and didn't feel loved..

I let myself get caught up in the fact that you said you would take care of me..that you said you would never leave me..that you made all these promises...and I was so caught up that I wasn't even thinking of my own emotions...but i'll tell you the truth...

I don't really know you..
and I don't know if I can love you..

because I dont know if I can love anyone right now..

I know people only care about their own emotions..and I know there must be an ocean of thoughts spinning around in your head..and I can understand that..but eventually..I hope you'll forgive me for lying...
I just wanted you to be happy..

and I thought your promises would be enough..but they just aren't...and i'm so sorry..

..and to Melissa..

I can't make you happy..not in the way you want me to..
I'm not that least...i'm not right now..
I'm still in love with Eddie..and it's gonna take some time for that to fade..
I'm still in love with Brett...and that's gonna have to play out..

I'm sorry if you feel like I led you on..
But like I said...I did what I thought you wanted..and I thought my happiness would just..follow..
but it didn't.


I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to think..
I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to feel...

I'm not happy...and I'm not making either of you happy..

I'm not healthy..and I'm just going to end up hurting both of you if you force me to stay any longer..

I'm so sorry..for any pain you're feeling..for any anger..

If you think I cheated you out of something i'll make it up to you however you want me too..

...okay...that's...pretty much it..

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill

Monday, October 09, 2006

... the desire to scream will turn into silent tears if you wait long enough...

I've been falling into these holes lately. I cry for the death of my past. The fadeing of my memories. I can't remember how it smelt. I can't remember what it looked like..I remember how I felt..but what is that worth..I feel things everyday. All these people do all this talking, about what we've lost..what we think we have..

It's all bullshit.

I'm going to die one day..
and no matter how much i've lived
I will never have really lived.

"You will never be more beautiful then you are now,
we will never be here again.
Everything is more beautiful,
Because we're doomed"

"What do you want Al?"
"I want it to not hurt anymore.."

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

"I want something?"
"The soundtrack to The Last Kiss"

This is the straw, final straw
in the Roof of my mouth
as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry
doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it at the time

"He'd get me anything I needed.."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. It's like..he's everything I could ever need in a relationship"
"What about what I want?"

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

"We're all striving to get back to something that we had once..
but I can't even remember what it felt like when I was there.."
"But you know it was great."
"Was it?"

Sunday, October 01, 2006

October here I come!


I love October so much!!
I have two concerts to go to for sure, six flags
and sex

Lots of sex
I like sex
Especially when I love the people i'm having it with

I have a good good feeling about this month
I forsee good things

I forsee healing
and love
And sex
and life

I am so looking forward to this shit


Saturday, September 30, 2006

Well, this is going rather well..

Okay, so I have a problem dealing with change...
I admit it....

Okay, so i'm drinking to much..
I admit it...

Okay, so i'm hanging on to things I would be better letting go of..
I admit it..

Okay, so i'm hurting people around me..
I admit it.

I've managed to make a fool out of myself in front of all the people the beginning of all this "wanted me"

The truth of the matter is that I don't know how to give you all what you want, because I haven't the slightest idea what I want.

The only thing I know is that I want to be happy.

Eddie doesn't love me..and i'm not too sure that he ever did..and that hurts like hell..and everytime that you kiss me or touch hurts even more..because that's real..and I don't know if what I felt with him ever was...

I want him to just be I can move on with my life..

I want to move on with my life..

Friday, September 29, 2006

I want to be a kennedy

I want to be a big heartbreaker
Live fast and for real
and you can follow it in the papers.

A distant friend of mine has cancer...she told me awhile ago and I didn't tell anyone, as it was her wish..

and now I can finally post about it..publically..

...It hit me like a ton of bricks....

Something like this could happen to any of us...

I love you Carla..that probably doesn't make any sense to you...but I love you for your strength..your resilience..and your amazing attitude towards life..

All of the people I love could die at any moment..and I don't think I think about that nearly as much as I should.

Why do we fight?
Why do we hate?
Why do we waste our time hurting one another? could be over in a moment..

.....I want to make the most out of my life..
I care for so many people...I love so many people...

So i'm not wasteing my time anymore..

A girl was shot in a school shooting two days ago...someone just walked into her school and shot her..

This world is not safe...and we are all so lucky to be here..
so let's start showing some more of that graditude...

You know..the past doesn't matter..
What happened to get me here doesn't matter
I'm thankful for all the good experiences
I've learned from all the bad..

and i'm
..nothing else matters.

i'll be brave tonight
either live or die
i'll be brave tonight
standing tall and bright

And if I had my chance i'd never let you go..

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Love is a battlefield

It's not a why do I feel like it is?

I feel like missa has all this power and at any moment she could say or do something that would end it all, and i'd be left alone..just because she doesn't "feel" like being with me..'s overwhelming..

I'm afraid to make progress because it might lead to pain..

...everything is a route to potential heartbreak...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I had a huge long blog planned out doesn't matter now..

...A girl named emily was killed in a shooting at her school in colorado today..she was on speech..

all of a sudden nothing else matters..

...My life is meaningless..


Sunday, September 24, 2006

I want a girl with lips like morphine

Missa Baby:

I fucking love you.
and it's not all about the cock...
It's just not..

Because if it was I wouldn't be in love with that gorgeous stomach of yours
or your beautiful face...
or your ass...

You get the idea...

Be with with me until you can't stand me anymore..and then hang on awhile longer until you love me again..

Help me raise my me live my life..

I'm empty without you gorgeous..

I don't know how you worked your way into my life..but you did..and now your here..and if you leave....i'm gonna freak out..

and I swear to god i'll show you all of soon as I feel like the time is right..
I swear on my soul..

and I love you too buby..
(and your cock) shhhhh...

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Getting over you will be the hardest thing i''ve ever done..

I was thinking of you..
and then I wasn't.

Your face popped into my head
and then it was gone.

Last night I went out with my friends...and I had an awesome time..despite emily throwing things at my head...other then that it was awesome..everyone I loved was around me..and I realized that...I'm getting tired of being hung up on you..

It's kinda getting..boring...and useless..

I think about children...and your face is no where to be found..infact if I think of children..I at some point think about how lucky I am ..not to be having yours...I don't see myself building a family with you...

I think about love...and...your face...if it dim..and almost unrecognizable..
You don't really love the way that is compatable for me..

and all these realizations make me tired..
they makes me realize...

that your gone..

...and i'm happy..

...and getting really sick of telling myself I lost something..

because the truth is that..I didn't..

...I gained so much more..

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Will you still care about me when i'm not in love with you anymore..

You know what's crazy?

I looked at my girlfriend today and despite the fact that I was crying and chain smoking and thinking about screaming out really realy loud...I thought she was the most beautiful person i've ever seen...

I laid with my boyfiend tonight..I laid...with my head on his stomach..watching my favorite (okay 2nd favorite, I couldn't betray LOST) Tv show...and I was totally content..for once I didn't care if my phone rang or not.

I love my boyfriend. I love my girlfriend.
I love my life.

and everyday it's easier and easier for me to say goodbye to my past..

...and hello to my future..

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


I need to talk to you for a second..'s really difficult for me to talk to you face to face about things that are bothering me because..I guess i'm nervous..about hurting your feelings more then anything'm just gonna write it out..and hope that you understand...and understand that I know where your coming from..because I do..know where your coming from...I just want you to know how I feel..

I want our relationship to be in it's first is for me..
I wouldn't walk around naked in front of you..and know..
and I wouldn't show you certain parts of my body unless we were gonna... know...

Honey...what i'm saying here is that..I want it to be..special when we're naked or when we're looking at each other..and it's harder for me to think it's special when I see you naked like that..

...I hope you understand what i'm saying..

..I just want it to be..special ..for me..when were doing things..

so...if you could try to be a little more..modest..boxers would be fine..that's why we bought them...

..I hope i'm not asking too much of you..
and if we could just..let it be like this...for awhile..until I get comfortable with you...

...I hope you understand..

Monday, September 18, 2006

what would you say if..

I told you that i'm not who you think I am?
I told you it isn't going to be easy for you to get inside my pants?
I told you that I second guess every aspect of my like every second of every day?
I told you that sometimes I can't breathe?
I told you that most of the time my mind is somewhere else?

What would you say?
What would you do?

I'm over stressed...I'm thinking to much..i'm feeling too much...i'm on the verge of ..something ..and I don't know what..i'm not feeling well..i'm not thinking straight..i'm not..okay..

I think I want to be a buddhist...


I know no one really believes me..but it doesn't matter...I think it's what I want..

Sunday, September 17, 2006

It's hot..and I'm still tired..

There's a fly under the window..and it's making noise and bugging me..

I had so much to say before I actually started writing..shit..umm..

I watched the last made me cry really hard..Zach Braff is so's a really good movie..

I still miss someone..actually I miss a lot of people...

My life has changed so hurts to think about it..

I don't know..i'm getting worn out..AGAIN...but Grey's Anatomy starts soon..

You know what it is? I have no vacation away from EVERYTHING...I'm all alone up here...and I don't know what to do about that...i've never had to stay in one place..and now I I have to be...still..

I'm disappointed in Eddie for not being as strong as I thought he was....but then again..maybe I should have seen that coming..


I'm so ...tired..of being here...

I wanna drive..and drive...until I can actually breathe....
I can't breathe..


Friday, September 15, 2006

We won't discuss this..

you can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking

but it's just the temperature
then again if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's just the way the operation made me

So..I'm not doing all that well currently.
You are hurting me
All of you
...Or maybe ...

....Maybe i'm hurting myself...

It's probably the latter..

Your words hurt.
Your looks hurt.
The way you touch me hurts
Everything hurts.

I'm empty and alone right now..

and everyone single one of you are using me to fill some selfish place inside you that's empty..and i'm getting really sick of it...

...No one really cares how I feel...
No one realy cares what I want..
...No one -really- cares
About me.

Because if you did..
You wouldn't rush me..
You wouldn't push or pull..
....You wouldn't be scared to see me..
You wouldn't do and say things with me
that you wont -always- be able to do

I am taking time for myself whether you want me to or not..
Whether you believe that I am or not

It's my life..
It's my FUCKING sanity...
So let me take care of myself
Because if you dont
I'm going to loose myself..


...excuse me...

I'll be awhile..

Thursday, September 14, 2006

We'll float on good news is on the way..

God i'm tired..

I can feel the period looming over my head..gross..

I have to work the jewel in franklin huh?

I can't wait for saturday..Emily's party is going to be the -shit-
I plan on just letting everything out..

it'll be good for me..

so anyways..I think i'm taking a vacation this christmas..

Sunday, September 10, 2006

My nose is so stuffy

gah..I hate having a stuffy nose..gah!

I'm still avoiding hands are really dry...this is kinda random..

Eddie hasn't called me..I wonder what he's up to...

...hmm..I'll do that quiz now..

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I drank to much..

I hate when I do that thing where I drink a lot because I wanna disappear..

Sorry Lissa, sorry Steve..I just..couldn't do it today...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's coking me up...

"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.

Only one of you will really understand this blog..
But all of you will think you will.

I have a feeling..
Like everything will end up okay..
Like I will be happy in the end.

I don't know where were going..
I dont really care..

This is going to sound weird:
I trust you..
Even though I never have before..
Maybe i'm at the bottom..
Maybe It's because I have nothing left to lose
I have a lot to lose..

Reguardless..You have my trust..
Something you've asked for ..for so long..
and I could never give you.

It's funny...
You didn't ask for it..
But yet i'm giving it to you..

...I guess it's because i'm neurotic..

So sue me..

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

It's gonna be a long night..

I'm under stress..

Fucking unneeded stress...

I'm coupling two totally different things togeather in my head..and the result is that I feel like i'm going to be or already have been raped...fucked up? yeah I know..trying actually being inside my body thinks something is seriously wrong here..

I dont know what to do...I don't know what to say..

um...I'm sorry I feel this way?
I'm sorry it's hard for me to be around you lately..
I'm sorry I shake on the inside when you touch me
I'm sorry we have this set back...because it's my fault too..

I...honestly don' t know what to say...

We'll try again...when I convince myself that you haven't let me down...

I'm sick...but I don't know what's wrong...yuck
I get these adrenaline rushs of energy and then i'm dead for the rest of the sucks

Why are you doing this body?


Did you know..Death threats cause stress

I'm having some trouble sleeping...umm...I don't want to be cut up into pieces...I don't want to be raped either for that matter...

The door's open....normally we don't leave the door open..but it's cool out tonight..and all the windows are open too..

and I'm aware that i'm putting myself under more stress then is needed, but I can't help's a terrifying thought..especially thinking about how much I fucked with his head over the last 3 weeks...

...I don't know...i'm making myself sick over the whole thing..and I know i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight...I don' t know what to do...

I'm distant..I feel sick...I'm hot..I just don't feel like doing..anything...not even sleeping..

gah...bad night..bad..bad night..

Why would you say that to someone? I mean..why? What would have to be wrong with you to threaten someone like that..jesus...


I'm gonna a corner somewhere...

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Burn it down 'til the embers smoke on the ground..

~and start anew when your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue~

I love death fucking much...

I feel like eddie wants to fight with me...everytime he calls we end up arguing over our past...and I suppose that's because if it had gone any other way we might still be togeather..and I think ..we..can't let that go...

...there's this huge "what if"...and nothing to do except let it go...

...He doesn't want to see one I know thinks I should see I guess it's not a good idea...but you know...I want to see him for closure more than anything else...just to be standing there next to him so I can think "oh okay..yeah....I got it.." in my head..I dont know..

I'm kinda getting sick of fighting with him about stupid shit that I don't even really care about anymore, but he makes me feel like I was terrible person ..for three years of my life..and I didn't even know am I supposed to react to feeling that way?

...but yeah...switching gears

Sexually..i'm pretty fucked up right now..I know consciously that I wasn't used..that he generally cares about me..I know all that...but my body doesn't...i'll be fine..i'll be fine, i'll be fine, i'll be fine...

Me and Missa are doing really well...I love you gorgeous..I love you.

...other than that..I think i'm getting sick..I don't know what's wrong with me..but I don't feel all that well....we'll see how that goes..

Okay...homework...astronomy...right after I talk Mike down..

What my life is like..

Sitting on ferris wheel's watching fireworks with my girlfriend..

Being cooked mac and cheese by my boyfriend and not having to do anything but eat..

Sitting in cars talking about the future..

Making out in cars while thinking about the future oh so previously talked about..

Singing "Basket ball jones" annoyingly at 3am while working next to my girlfriend just to see her reaction...

Cuddling...Hugging..Foot massages..back massages...constant massages in general...

My gorgeous GORGEOUS girlfriend...who could be a goddess if such a thing exsists..

Two wops...haha...two wops...who fit together so well it's almost a joke..

Some quotes:

"And then you guys can start making lots of puppies that she can take care of"-Me
*Everyone laughs*
"....Fuck you guys.."-Me

"One day i'm gonna be talking to you, and holding your hand..and your gonna have a beer in your other hand..the one your forced to wave around while you talk, and your gonna spill it everywhere"-Steve

"...and I like your...toes...their bubbley"-Missa

"What? They give you free emergency contraceptive? Missa! Amanda gets FREE emergency contraceptive!!"-Me
"Amanda, you gotta give us like 5 boxes of that shit"-Missa
"Ten boxes!"-Me
"Okay" -Amanda
"NO, we aren't joking amanda" -Me and Missa

"Don't screw this up!"- Mooney

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I am going to cut my nose off..

So..after working 11 hours yesterday cleaning up some other merchandizers horrible mess of a reset lissa and I have decided to get their name's and addresses and slow send those bitches a vitamin at a they'll remember what they did to us..

Fuckin incompatant people..piss me off...

AND I WANT TO WATCH LOST!!! ..on a serious not I feel pretty fuckin good about my life right now...i'm so amazing!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Macro-Vent session

All right...I gotta get it out.
I am NEVER shopping at F.Y.E again...those fuckin bastards...
Here's the story:

I live a good 45 mins away from the I call out there today after my last class and the conversation goes as follows:
Me: "Hi, I'm wondering is you guys are selling Lost: Season 2"
Worker: "As a matter a fact we are, their right in front of me"
Me: "Great, can you put a copy on hold under the name Ally for me?"
Worker: " I sure can, when will you be here to pick it up?"
Me: "I'll actually be there in about 30 mins"
Worker: "All-right, we'll see you then"

So I walk into the store and intend to be given my fucking copy of Lost: Season 2
But no.

He said to me "I have it right here, but it doesn't come out until tuesday"
*jaw drops*
Me: Excuse me...I called and you said they were on sale
Him: "I'm sorry theres nothing I can do for you"
*Jaw drops farther*
Me: But...I just from like an hour to get here..
Him: "I'm sorry..there's nothing I can do for you"

and then lissa pulled me out of the store.

Mother fuckers.

So is what I wanted to say to you FYE man:

I am a college student who only has a few nerdy pleasures inbetween class, sex, eating and sleeping. I have been counting down the days until I get to watch my favorite TV show on repeat while doing homework, having sex, eating and sleeping. I called you, and you lied to me. How hard is it for you to do your fucking job? Honestly? Your a fucking dumbass who has no concern for anyone else but yourself and your money... I'm so pissed at you...and I will never EVER forgive you, You ruined my day. I don't care what your reasons for lying to me were, you've hurt me emotionally...and we can never EVER be friends. Asshole. that I got that out I feel a lot better.
But I will never shop there again. Ever.


Side note: I was so upset after the inital shock that I was forced to go to hot topic and buy 16 and 14 gage earings...which cost me 32.00 I think F.Y.E should reimburse me the 35 dollars for my pain and suffering. Dammit.

Why do you think your the only one getting hurt in this situation?

I keep hurting people..

All I want to do is be happy..
I need force right now..
I need to be very submissive..
I need someone to take me, and wrap me up, or throw me down..or -whatever- and force me to be happy..

Because if you leave it to me..if you let me run the show...I'll end up hurting everyone in the cast out of fear that I don't know how to direct..

that's just how it is right now..
I'm sorry I can't be what you want melissa...but i'm just me.. damaged as that might be..

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Stuck in my head..and my heart aswell

I had a problem with just giving over to trust...I fought it..and it eventually bit me in the ass...and now I don't know what to do about that..I should probably just let it go..start over...and that wouldn't be so hard except that...i've lost something...someone...who was so amazing..for all of his faults..

How do I let that go?

...I don't know...
I don't know how to heal..

Someone help me..

This is a war
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
I hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for
Holding on to your grudge
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love

We're consentrated on falling apart
We were contenders, now throwing the fight
I just want to believe...I just want to us

So let it go
This is the grace only we can bestow
This is the price you pay for loss of control
This is the break in the bend
This is the closest of calls
This is the reason you're alone
This is the rise and fall

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Sign language is the coolest class in the entire world! Whoop.
That's all.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

umm..excuse me ..

I need some space.
I need all of the people that "like me" to back the fuck off for two seconds so I can breathe..I can't breathe..I feel like i'm being smoothered

...Give me some space...I don't know who I am or what I want yet..

..There. That feels better.

Monday, August 28, 2006 hard...what?

I love all my classes..except sociology..

Astronomy is currently my favorite...philosopy and public speaking are close seconds..

Haven't started sign language i'm not sure where that falls

It's work though...a lot of work...I just read 25 pages of ...nothing..bleck

I'm not really having that good of a day to tell you the truth..
I should be..

I got a lap top..and my classes are good...and everything is seemingly fine..'s not.
I'm shaking underneath...

I'm bloody shaking..

I saw steve 'o today...and he was like "Al..never thought i'd be seeing you at TRITON"


umm...I pretty sure i'm relapsing..because of a stupid comment someone who doesn't even know me said..that's not healthy..


*looks around*

...*walks away from the computer*

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I need you so much closer..

I tried writing..and nothing is coming out right... It's all way to complex for me to make sense of read the lyrics and i'll tell you why

Because these are my thoughts..don't write them off just because someone else published them better then I could..dammit.


And so it is Just like you said it would be Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is The shorter story No love, no glory
And so it is
Just like you said it should be We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is The colder water
Did I say that I love you?
Did I say that I want toLeave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you...
'Til I find somebody new
- The Blower's Daugther

Please don't make me cry
Please don't make me cry
I'm just like you, I know you know
I'm just like you, so leave me alone

I wonder, why cant you see
You’re just not near enough like me
With your telescope eyes, metal teeth
I can’t be seen with you, you see
Please don't make me cry


These streets Turn me inside out
Everything shines But leaves me empty still
And I'll burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I'll change my world for you
I'll stay with you

I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you, turn me toward the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?
- Smashing Pumpkins

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do About you now


Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through
- All American Rejects

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
And she will be loved
She will be loved
-Maroon 5


She shines In a world full of ugliness.
She matters when everything is meaningless.
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty.
She tries to get away.

Sometimes, it's just that nothing seems worth saving.

I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.

He reads the minds of all the people as they pass him by,hoping someone can see.
If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me.

I won't let you fall apart
It's something I have to do.
I was there, too,before everything else,I was like you.

-Nine inch nails

Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out
She was a day Tripper
A one way ticket

Tired to please her
but she only played one night stands
She's a day tripper
and it took me so long
to find out
What I found out.
-The Beatles

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Whatever this phase is..I'm pretty sure I don't like it

..Everything will be all right, Everything will be all right..

5 o'clock this morning, and i'm smack in the middle of a really really bad thunderstorm.
One that's involving my fucked up life, and the other that involves the wheather.

I have a message on my phone where my new ex-boyfriend is telling me he's contemplating suicide (again) only this time he's seeing monsters that are yelling at him and ..doing other monster like things.


Steve is in a lot of pain because of his eyes, and he's every other thought in my head he okay, should I be over there..ect

I'm tired, more tired then i've ever been..

Everything is on me, every decision I make is souly mine, every person I hurt, every person I make happy is based on the decisions I make..and it's too much..

I hurt someone really bad..and I honest to god didn't mean to ..

It wouldn't have mattered what I did in the situation..I would have hurt someone.

Suicide...I pushed someone to suicide..
I have to live with that.

I'm incredibily fucked up right now..

I'm not really sure how much farther I can fall..and I haven't even started college yet..
This is awesome.

You love the things I say I'll do The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you You take away when I give in My life My pride is broken

Everytime I have a problem my retort is "I'm not even supposed to be here"
Well I am here.
So I'm not saying that anymore.

I am here, and I WANT to be i'm not leaning on a future that was never going to happen anymore.

The clock ticks life away.

Look at me..i'm so pathetic...stuggling to hang on to something, anything that will make me happy for a moment.

I used him...not conciously..but reguardless..I used him...


I was a kid when I met eddie, a child, a girl..I didn't know what I was doing..and it was all passion

I grew up.

Now love is more practical..more realistic, less story-book...with spurts of passion..

I have to take a man I love to the doctor today..and all I know right now is that ..that's real..that's life..

I know that Three people have a stronger base then two people..

I know that mike and I would have ended up just like Eddie and I ...only I would have been the coward..from the beginning..and I couldn't hurt him like I stopped it before it wasn't too late.

I know that I want a future that will make me happy..I want to have a child with someone, I want to have good sex once and awhile..I want to help make dinner..I want to watch movies in the living room..I want a big bed with a canopy like lissa likes...

I want to make all of that..
I want it more than I want anything or anyone else.

So i'm in this. Let's do it.

Something just happened to me..Eddie just disappeared. From my thoughts from my life
I felt it. Right now.

I want to stand up
I want to let go.
I'm so much older then I can take.
And my affection..well it comes and goes.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Why do we hurt people that never hurt us..

Mood: Exhausted
Music: We will become silhouettes by: Postal Service

I know that a lot of people have been reading my blog lately...and that's cool..

..but I tend to write for an audience when I know that people are reading..

...This blog is different.
This one is for me.

So Mike and I have crashed and burned.
I wasn't ready.
I'm not..ready..

..and I just...

...I made a mistake..

I feel like such a shitty fucking person. I am going to hurt someone..because I wasn't clear..because I led him on..because I ...just...


Eddie wants to make this whole "getting over each other" thing seem like a fucking race...well..guess what?
I'm dropping out.

Fuck it.

I know i'm not okay.

But I know this: I will be. plan:

Be single...sort of ...for awhile..until I can heal enough to where I'm not hurting a relationship with the people I really want to be with..

No more racing, no more stupid more..

It's about me now..and my happiness..

I know where I want to end up..
Now I just have to get myself emotionally stable enough to get there

I'm so sorry to mike...i'm so ..fucking sorry...
I didn't know..
My brain didn't know..and i'm so sorry.. was never my was never my intention..

Missa...I love you so much..your my other complete don't compliment, you must know that..and i'm sorry I hurt you..i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry..

I just need more time..

I thought I was ready..

....wait for me..wait just a little longer..and I promise everything is going to be okay..

Steve..I do love you..I love you for all your commitment..all your energy that you put into me..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it..thank you so much..

Thank you both ...for following me..for letting me go crazy..for forgiving me when I hurt you..

...Your both right, and I know you will take time to get over a three year routine..

but the bottom line is that I want to change that routine..I have the desire..I just have to make it happen

...I haven't been the best person lately..
I've been rather selfish with my emotions..
I'm working on it...

Thank you all for your patience..

..Just a little more time...
..Stick by my side..please

I love you both so much.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

and i'll be happy for you, when it's your turn..

Mood: jumbled
Music: Potion for Foxes By: Rilo Kiley

The talking leads to touching and the touching leads to sex..and then there is no mystery left..and i'm bad i'm bad news..i'm just bad news bad news bad news.. here I go..

Mike and I are togeather
Boyfriend and girlfriend..


All right...*deep breath*

I am so fucking scared.

The bottom line is that he makes me happy, I make him happy, and we wanna make that go somewhere..
He's really respectful of my need to move that's good..

so's gonna be slow moving..

Hopefully we won't crash and burn..

stick around..

Monday, August 21, 2006

I get back up and I do it again

Mood: a little tired and a little nervous
Music: Why do you love me By: Garbage

So I found someone..

Yesterday was the one month anniversery of my life as a single person..and of course I freaked out and started loosing it..just like I always I called Eddie..and he was helping..I think..a little..and then his phone died..and I started sobbing..pretty hard..

and I called Mike..

and when he told me he was busy I said "nevermind" ..but he didn't take that as an answer..and ..then..he was there with me..

and the weird thing is...I wanted him to be there..

I've liked Mike for a long time..
I feel like I really connect with him..

I don't think this is a rebound...I had my rebound...I had two of them..
I think this is..genuine

I don't know where him and I will go..I don't know how far or for how long..
But I know that no matter what happens ..I won't hurt him..
Because I will not hurt people anymore.

I just want interaction, connection, love, playfulness, emotion..

I just want life..
so if the opportunity to connect with someone who is avalible comes along...and i'm avalible to take it..i'm gonna take it..

I'm scared- I'm scared as hell..
Eddie broke me.
I feel like I fixed myself with scotch tape..

Now I have to see if it holds.. and I think the best way to do that is to move really slow..
really...really slow..

" I don't know what i'm doing...but I think i'm all-in"
Him: "Then i'm all-in too"

Sunday, August 20, 2006

..and then I fell asleep in the woods..

Mood: rested
Music: I will follow you into the dark By: Death Cab for Cutie

Me: "But...How will I be able to trust you?"
Him: "Because, I will take a key *takes imaginary key from pocket" and unlock my chest "unlocks chest", and then I will take out my heart and hand it to you *does so* and hope that you don't break it.."
Me: "oh my god..did you just say that??"
Him: "*laughs* yeah.."
Me: *Pause* ...we should be writing this down" I wrote it down...

and i'm thinking about everything we said..and it makes me feel really good..
we should go one night..and drive..until we can see the stars...I would like that..

I never expected to feel like this again..where did you come from..and is it safe to fall in..because I think i'd like falling in..

Me: "A friend of mine told me that you should follow your heart. It doesn't matter what other people are doing...the one's closest to your heart will forgive you."
Him: "Al..that was me..just a little while ago"
Me: " it was.."

I'm a war of head verses heart and it's always this way; My head is weak and my heart always speaks before I know what it will say..

I'm pretty scared right now..because I have ambitions..and I really ...don't want to read too much into them..

Go slow..

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Someone shoot me in the head

I am in so much fucking pain..

...oh my god..

My stomach is being ripped out of my body right now..

Just kill me..gah


oh god..

Sorting my emotions..

All right..I can do this..because it's my blog and my copeing mechanism and

I'm starting to think that maybe you really did have a good excuse for why you didn't get online..maybe one of your friends was really upset and needed you..maybe it's something good like that..

and if I is...I feel like a real asshole..

But i'm not for one second pretending that what I said doesn't apply to how I feel when you do things like this..

and so i'm not trying to guilt trip you..but i'm just my blog..

so I guess it'll play out however it plays out..

I just hope that when I ask "what happened the other night?" I don't get "I fell asleep" or "I forgot" or "..."

because that would mean i'm right
and I want to be wrong Ed..

Prove me wrong..

Friday, August 18, 2006

I'm starting to think you just don't fucking care.

Mood: Pissed off ass hell
Music: Good day: By The Dresden Dolls

Your an ass.
"I'll talk to you in 20 minutes"
My ass.
It's been two hours since then, so fuck you...

I can only think of one excuse that would make up for this..and I doubt that's it...
I doubt that it's what I think it is, and if I is..i'll apologize..but if it's not

Fuck off, ass.

You were a shitty boyfriend, and you're a shitty friend.
You couldn't even call or get online to tell me you weren't gonna talk..what is that shit? It's not like there aren't computers in every room..

You know what? You suck.

I hope you have an excuse...I really fact i'm rooting for you..
But I doubt you do.
Because that's how you are..

So here it is..the song..the song that makes me get over you..everytime I hear it..
I've even highlighted the most important lines..because I know if I don't, you won't even bother to look at it..and don't forget, i've written more after the song lyrics..which I hand typed out myself...because that's how upset you make me..

Suck on this bitch.

So you don't wanna hear about my good day? You don't wanna hear about how I am getting on, with all the things that I can get done. So you don't wanna hear about my good day. You have better things to do then to hear me say; god it's been lovely day, everythings been going my way, I took out the trash today and i'm on fire.

So you don't wanna hear about my good friends, you don't have the guts to take the truth and consequence. Success is in the eye of the beholder, and it's looking even better over your cold shoulder

You don't think about the bridges you are burning, and i'm burning.

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego, I have finally made my piece as far as you and me go..but i'd like to have you over to see the place..i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.

Ever since you went away, hey i'm on fire.
I'm on fire
I'm on -fire-
*BIG insturmental break*


Eddie...i'm so sick of your fucking shit...I really am..
All i'm asking for you to to do what you say you'll hard is that?
Our friendship must not mean all that much to you..huh..
I must not mean all that much to you..

you know what...

It's all good...
I don't need you anyway..

I just wish I could have the pleasure of your friendship..but I guess i'm not good enough for that..


Thursday, August 17, 2006

Let me try it like this..

If I had a million dollars..I'd buy the singer from Death Cab.
Just so I could ask him to sing to me whenever I need to hear him.."
Plus I think he's adorable.

New plan..I will save myself until I get to have sex with the singer from death cab.

.........maybe not....

Anyways..Work ..omg...I am working my ass off..

It''ll be have open a bank'll be good for me.

All of my "going away to college" friends are gone...but it's okay..because i'll just call them all the time..

I won't loose them..or jillian and jackie...or you...for that matter

I won't loose anyone.

I don't know why I couldn't just tell you that..I don't want you "to not talk to me for awhile" because that doesn't help..what I should have just told you is that I need to just establish a relationship with you, whatever that new relationship may be..and stick with it..that way I can go though whatever emotional cycle I need to and eventually okay..

...I should have said that..

Gah..I can't wait to start college...

I need some social interaction.
I feel pretty good though...

It's still hard...not having you..

but it's okay...

and it's gonna be okay..

You were so good to me...and I connected with you..

I hope that doesn't go away..
I hope that the best..of us..doesn't go away..

I wonder if you got your part...

I get to go to tech on monday...I was like..."awesome"'s still leyden..but so's Chris..and it's ..awesome
I am a little nervous about telling him that I didn't go to GA..but hey..isn't the fact that i'm gonna show up..telling him? I know he'll understand..but he'll probably give me a are looks..

Who's that girl you took pictures of today? Do you like her? ...yeah i'm nosey..


I'm pretty i'm gonna go to be..

hopefully you really do read my blog...and if you do then hopefully we'll talk soon..a two sided conversation would be pretty nice..haha..

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

oh no..I feel a relapse coming on...

I've moved from Hurt to pissed-off and now I think i'm moving from pissed-off to denial...
Not good.

unless after denial comes acceptance..where is the acceptance phase?
Will I get there soon?
By the end of the month maybe?

...I wish he would just come back.. any way shape or form...
because this disappearing from my world not going over so hott..

I should probably stop putting points on his best buy card..I should probably email the phone back..I should probably just leave everything alone..

Why can't I?
Why did he hurt me so bad?
Does he even still care about me?
When will I fucking move on..

So...I heard this song..reminded me of my situation..

...I gotta go to work.

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you
and when you go go go go
I know It never ends (Never ends)

I'm wishing you
You feel the same and just come back to me

When it's over
Can I still come over?
And when it's over
Is it really over?

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way?
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I'm dropping my bad'd be proud

I moved too fast, tried to heal too fast..

I tried so hard to be okay...but i'm not.
I'm not okay...i'm just not.

I don't love anyone.

I can't love anyone.

I don't really like myself all that much..and i'm not really much of person right now..

I never wanted to go to Georgia..but I never wanted to stay here either..and that's the plainly as I can put it..

I would have been cool with either one..

I did love Eddie. Now I don't know..actions say so much about your personality..and I don't know if I could ever love the person that Eddie is ..right now..which doesn't matter anyway because i'll probably never talk to him again.

I don't cry anymore...I just get tears that well up in the back of my eyes..maybe one or two fall..but not as's terrible..I feel like that..spunk that I had is fadeing ...I guess you were a big part of keeping that alive..and I just didn't know it..

I'm hopeing this phase will pass...i'm hopeing i'll realize that I'm just depressed because everyone is leaving and I have nothing to do..

I was serious when I told Amanda that she's the only one of us that's getting out of this shit-ass town..

*deep breath*

Does anyone know me?
Do I even know myself?

When am I going to fucking start COLLEGE

...I think that's what I need...


Monday, August 14, 2006

There's beauty in the break down..

So you know that speaking plainly thing? Yeah...I think i'm gonna try that..just for a moment.
..Today was not a good day in the life of -me-
Today was shitty.
Jill and Jackie (and emily) left...
..which wouldn't have been so bad except I now associate "leaving" with only one thing
Brett's leaving on the 17th..but he's already gone anyway..
Amanda's fucking rock..
Begovich left..
And it's just like...too much..
It was too much for me today.. associate all that leaving with Eddie.

No more pretending or lying. I miss Eddie. I miss talking to him, and laughing at his sarcastic whitty sometimes overly bold jokes..I miss his personality..I miss the way he can make me feel so ...happy..

You know what sucks? I feel like I don't have a unique personality..maybe that's because everyone around me is SO unique...I don't know..maybe I am unique...i'm not sure..

a good friend of mine was feeling suicidal yesterday...and I freaked out on the person...I mean like seriously yelling at them for the way they felt...I don't know why I did that...I think it was because I want to feel suicidal but I can't...because of all the people I know i'd hurt..and it pissed me off that someone that I personally would love to have the life of...felt so low...

I feel bad for yelling...but at the same time I don't...

Amanda and I were talking...about how i'm single now...and I told her...that it freaks me out that I don't have a goal anymore...eddie was a goal that I set for myself...whether it was to make it two more months so that I could see him...or to wait three years so that I could leave here...I was always setting a goal..and he was always my excuse to do that...and now that excuse is gone..and i'm afraid that i'll fall into a rhytmn that I don't really want to be in...because I don't have a goal for myself..

I don't want to loose myself...

I'm Alexandra ...and I have awesome potential...

...and I don't want to waste it..

I also miss loving someone...I have all these people that love me...but I don't really love anyone..not in the way that I loved eddie...I don't have someone that I really -want- like -desire- like -desire passionately- to make love to... Eddie was the only person I ever really WANTED to be under, or on or all over...and now I don't have anyone...and i'm so sad...because I feel like my ability to love like that is broken...because of fear...because of pain...because of longing.. I feel like it's broken...

and I don't know how to fix it..

I'm so afraid that i'll never heal right...that i'll never be okay....

...that i'll always be alone..

...that I won't find someone that makes me as happy as eddie did...

...I'm so fucking afraid.. like I wasn't a good day for all...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

and i'm asking myself..why i'm still writing..

and so i'm thinking a lot...

Eddie's gone, and I don't know if he's ever coming back..

and I don't think it matters right now...

Even though...I thought he was my friend..

We all get decieved sometimes..

Rebounds...I don't want to rebound..

I'm scared. I'm scared that something great won't be as great as something that was..great..

But how will I know if what was great was even great if I don't try something else that's potentially great aswell...I mean that great thing could have only been will I know unless I try?

Slowly...I'm...i'm walking through quicksand here..

I have so much to think life, my future, my body, my emotions...

and i'm this sand...

and what sucks the most is that there are these...wonderful people waiting to pull me out when my head goes under too far...but i'm afraid to ask for their help..

urgh..analogies...why don't I just speak plainly..

Okay...let's try that...

Why did this happen to me?
Why am I where I am right now?
How will I ever know all that could have been?
Why do I care what could have been?
Why am I moving on so fast?

....Why am I asking so many questions...

...I should just go with it..

Friday, August 11, 2006

And all that could have been..

I have something I should be doing right now...but i've got these thoughts in my head
And I need to write them down...get them out...something..

I don't know where i'm going...

I was so happy with where my life was...with who I was with...and who I wasn't..

and now i'm afraid of the change that's comming..

I'm afraid of the realization that i'm not in love with eddie anymore..

that those feelings..those smells..that sense of touch and ..sound and all of the way that it not how it will be

Because of the change...

You think it'll be a certain way forever..

but the wind changes all the time...

and i'm not saying it's a bad thing...don't get me wrong...i'm just saying...i'm nervous...because what if the "high" that i'll get with where I am now...isn't as good as the high I had before..

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

College here I come!!

So I registered today, and I really feel better..I've been going up and down a lot lately..and I think that what I need is to life..

By next june i'll be in an apartment, or a condo...or somewhere that isn't my house..I hope. I hope it happens..because the plan is awesome..and I'm so sick of awesome plans going to shit in the last few weeks before they're supposed to happen..

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, by my wonderful cousin, who is the shit..

I also have another date...I think...I...don't know if it's a date so I shouldn't say that..

Other than that..everything's going well...I put new pictures up on myspace..

So here is my scedule:

Monday, Wenesday, and Friday:
Intro to Sociology : 9:00am- 9:50
Intro to Philosophy: 10:00am- 10:50
Principles of Effective Speaking: 11:00- 11:50
Hour Lunch Break!!!
Astronomy: 1:00pm-2:25pm

Done for the day

No class on Thursdays!!

American Sign Language: 5:30pm- 10:05pm

So you know..i'm really happy...because I got everything I wanted in terms of which classes i'm taking, and I got them at the times I wanted ..yeah..

and the theatre cordinator is the instructor for all my liberal arts courses that's pretty fuckin sweet's gonna be awesome...

.....How could I have wanted anything else?


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Concert Crazy

I have seen so many concerts in the last week...I thought I'd get sick of if, but I didn't not for one second.

What an awesome way to end the summer.

I was watching like the 20th concert in a row..and I was really thinking, while looking at the stage when it hit me...that I can't imagine anything making me as happy has theatre..

So it is...technical or not, doesn't matter..

I'm not pretending like I don't have two years... but I think it's good for me to say out loud where I am in my thinking..

I don't want to be that person..who doesn't go as far as she could because of some stupid reason.

I'm better than that.

Boys..they're everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I think one day i'll look at someone and think "I want him" ...and then it shall be done..

I'm pretty much trying to keep my hopes high...

...Because I just want to be happy..

...Alone or with someone...doesn't matter..

so's the list of bands I saw :
Blue october
Panic! At the disco
The Raconteurs
Violent Femmes
Death Cab For Cutie

Coheed and Cambria
Kill Hannah
Dresden Dolls

The Frames
Ben Kweller
30 seconds to mars
The Shins
She wants revenge
Queens of the Stone Age
Broken Social Scene
Red Hott chili peppers

Violent Femmes

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I want to start over..

...I want to be okay...

I want to forget everything that I had..

I want to okay...with where I am..

I want to fast forward, why can't this summer be over..

....I want my life to fucking start....

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life

Let go..jump in...what're you waiting for..

Don't cry. Do not cry. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. You weren't meant to be with him, he never really -loved- you...he doesn't really know you. It's impossible to know someone 800 miles away. It was about security. It wasn't real. He was never really real..and you don't matter to him.. Your just a girl, he knew once..Your gone, he's gone, it's gone...Your here now, in chicago, where your meant to be, so just be here, just live here, find someone else, your attractive, you'll find someone else, it'll all work out..he's not what you want anyway, you fight all the time, he's not a good match for you, he let you go, you wanted to go, you were in love with someone else anyway, so let it go, just let it go...stop thinking about that what if's because they don't exsist, learn how to fall asleep alone, learn how to yourself, find yourself, love yourself..let it go, just let it's his lose, it's his'll be happier, he'll be happier, he is weren't meant to be together, he doesn't want you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't want you, there are people out there that do, that will love you better, more fully, with more effort, find those people, let those people find you, let him go, let him go, let ...him...go...he lives in Georgia, he's meant to be in Georgia, let the pain go DAMMIT, LET THE PAIN GO..STOP DRINKING, STOP HURTING, STOP..JUST STOP!!!! JUST GET OVER IT. Just get over it, over him..over it...over all the mistakes...everyone makes mistakes...let it go

...just let it go


....Do not cry. Don't cry. It's not worth it. You won't get won't help anything..

just sleep...


....sleep it off....

Let it go.
Let go.

I feel like just typing at random

Man..I think i'm hurting right now...I mean...I know I am...I just don't know why...I'm not unhappy...I'm just...hurt...and trying to heal..

It's weird.

I want to watch Elizabethtown so bad...but I know it will make me cry, and so...I can't...and I just keep watching it over and over again in my head.

I like Hooka...I think i'm good at it...not that it's something you can be good at..but you know what I mean...I enjoy it...and I really like Sheesha's coffee house...I think it's my new spot...its's calming...

It's better than drinking wine coolers so that I can fall asleep...

I only had one outburst today...and was when someone said I should switch to T-mobil...and that I was stupid for having verison...I wanted to scream and yell on and on about how it isn't my fault Eddie left me 20 days before the rest of my life..and that I'm not switching my plan until I have to because this is not the way it was supposed to be and blah blah blah...but I just let it go...and saved it for posting here...

I think he hurt me really my core..

I'm not an idiot ...I saw it comming...I wouldn't ...come...

But what can I do?
Move on.
Move along.
"and even when your hope is gone move along move along like I know yah do"
-all american rejects-

I'm excited about lollapalooza...i'm not excited about being hot...I heard amanda threw up at sixflags...I don't want to throw up..

Brett took me off his friends list...I don't know what that means...I don't know if that means anything...I'll wait...I'll just keep waiting...he's hurting me too...slowly...he's leaving me...

I like Habisscuss flavored tobacco better than apple..

Nothing I want out of my life is currently acceptable...
and I need to accept that..

....I'll get back to you..

Man...I'm exhausted...and hurting...