Monday, January 23, 2012

Spring semester..

Okay, putting all the cancer troubles on hold and just thinking normally for a moment.

Spring semester has started and right off the bat I feel exhausted and without the energy needed to complete everything that has to be done. I'm combating this exhaustion with exercise and a better diet to start. I have four months until Samantha's wedding and even though my dress fits me fine..I want better than fine. Any weight loss is awesome. I do have a goal set in mind but if I don't get there I won't be crushed.

I don't have a lot else. I'm too busy for my own good and it's pushing me to become a sloth during the times I don't have to do anything. I hate that.

I desperately want to be healthy.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I need a pause button for life.

My stomach's been hurting really bad the last three days.
I'm kinda worried.
I'm sure it's just a side effect from working 60 hours a week and going to school full time.

I love working because it means more money and more time with friends. I just hate the way my body has been feeling lately.

I think if I drastically change the way I am eating I might be able to work things out. Salads and yogurt. Once a week minimum at the gym.

I just wish I could sleep for a week. I desperately need a vacation. As soon as this semesters over I know I'll be feeling a lot better.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Just live your life...

...No telling where it will take you.

Brett left for California yesterday. It feels bittersweet.

I have big dreams and big hopes for him. Probably as big as the dreams he has for himself. I think that happens when two people are as close as we are. Brett is the single most important thing I found through-out my four years of High School.

Almost ten years ago.

I still remember that first year. Thinking he was so attractive. Watching him walk. Getting butterflies when he would talk to me, or touch me. I remember the middle too. Working past 10pm every night. Wanting our piece for speech team to be better than perfect. Knowing that we had what it took. All of a sudden I knew how to walk like him. I had it too, that ability to give others butterflies.

Now we're on to this part- which I won't call the end. End of an era perhaps, but not the end. He still has the walk, but the whole package is so much more than just that. Forget butterflies, now he'll just knock you on your ass with his awesomeness. It's too big for Chicago. He's getting out, going where he's useful, going where the big boys are. To be a star. He has everything it takes to make it. All he needs now is the right person to notice.

...and here I am.

Surprisingly enough- I don't have much to complain about. I don't feel deserted. I don't feel lost or alone without him. Our friendship is too epic for that. If anything I am glad for the distance because I can focus. I need to focus on myself, on where I'm headed. I need to walk on my own. So that I have something to offer.

I want a version of the greatness that Brett is moving towards, one that is tailored to my own hopes and dreams. I never want to fear the need to do what it takes.

I feel proud and envious of him. He is forging a path in the right direction. I wonder how many of our group of friends will follow in his footsteps.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Life the live you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Thoughts on Sexuality

Yesterday was "Freedom of sexuality day" and not only did I spend a great deal of time thinking about and being grateful for my own sexuality, but I did a lot of thinking about sexuality as it applies to my family.

My grandfather (on my father's side) is a homosexual man.

He lived in a time when homosexually was shunned and people were forced to bury their true nature or hide it from the world, and in most cases both methods were necessary. He married my grandmother for the sake of appearances and had 6 children, including my father. Their family suffered greatly from his choice and to this day my aunt's and uncle's are some of the most damaged people I know.

It's difficult to imagine that if my grandfather had lived in today's time period, my father would never have been born and therefore I wouldn't exist either. I am the product of a flawed way of thinking. I owe my existence to an era of time in which Gays were persecuted and forced to deny their nature.

There is much more to this story, but just that fact alone is enough.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Old goals and new goals

So much going on with classes and work that I just haven't had enough time to sit down and write.

I have totally fallen in love with Loyola. My professors are amazing and I am so happy to be a part of the student body. The Campus is beautiful, the lake is always in view and even though it's getting colder I don't mind.

I know I made the right choice. For myself for my family and for my future.

Now all that's let is to keep working hard on getting my body in shape. May 2oth is my deadline.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

How do you measure..

525,600 minutes..

How do you measure a year? How about love? Measure in love, seasons of love.

The truth is that I'm still dealing with the crisis that my family has been put through this last month. I feel that things are going back to normal, but there is still a lot of emotional pain. Therapy is helping, the gym is helping, but I still feel it.

Suicide is never an easy thing to get over. My family is strong, and I know we'll move forward...but are we too strong? Will we forget about the seriousness of the situation? Will we move too fast? Not talk about the real issues? Two steps forward is no good if you just take three steps back in the end.

We're about to go our separate ways in the next two weeks. Will we forget about the importance of each other when we part back to college and work?

All I can really have is hope, and faith. Faith in my family, and hope that we will be stronger than we were in the past.