Monday, February 28, 2011

Bye Bye Fat-Ass!

My entire life food has been an addiction. Being Italian hasn't helped at all, but when your really get down to the point, it's no one's fault but my own that I am the way I am.

It is my intention to make a change to that. Today. My birth is a bit less than two months away. I want to be at LEAST 20 pounds lighter by then.

I have stocked my fridge with 3 different types of fish. I'm making chicken and spinach for dinner tonight. Eating fish for the day two times a week, chicken three days and beef/pork/lamb to make up the difference. Doing low carbohydrates as well, and working out three days a week.

I think this is the trick, because this is what I haven't been doing on a regular basis for the last 4 months.

I also intend to use this now as a place to record my pain, frustration, happiness, diet choices and the like as I attempt to drop this weight.

After the first 20 pounds I'm going to re-evaluate and go for another 20, hopefully before October. Wish me luck, I'm sure that I'm going to need it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Living my own fairy tale..

For anyone who doesn't already know, Mike works nights. Sometimes there are weeks in a row where he's at work during the night, and I have to choose to either not sleep, or sleep alone. It's never easy, because there really is nothing like sleeping next him.

A lot of the time I choose to watch sappy romance movies in order to feel closer to him. Anything goes, from "The notebook" to "P.S I love you" the result of which is always me crying in my apartment alone, missing him.

It might seem completely ridiculous or pathetic to you, but that's just me. My story is just as deep and affectionate as any movie I could watch, but it has the added bonus of being mine oh mine.

There was this early summer evening years ago where Mike and I stumbled upon a stage in the middle of grant park. It was a big black stage that some sort of band must have been using earlier that day or something. We had it all to ourselves, and we sat there and interviewed each other. It was a moment where I found myself losing track of time, all I wanted to do was be with him.

All I ever want is to appreciate being with him. Sometimes we're together and don't say anything at all, sometimes we can't stop talking. I wish we would talk more currently, I know we have the same goals and would be nicer if we could work together to achieve them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Starting over..

I'm on my new laptop, a present from mike for valentines day. Having technology under my finger tips has inspired me to make some changes to my blog, so I hope you like what I ended up with.

A week or so ago, my uncle had a heart attack. It effected me more than I thought it would, and it has really motivated me to get my own stuff together. When the hospital analyzed his blockage they said that it was caused from smoking.

He's doing okay, you can tell in his voice that he's been effected by the experience. I think as the days go on it continues to become a reality to him that he almost died and that nothing will be the same from now on.

I don't want to lose anyone in my life, but losing my uncle would be one of the worst things that could happen. He's like an ocean liner, if he went down he'd take a lot of people with him. My mother for one, and grandmother, his girls and his ex wives. We would all be lost in the water, drowning and cold...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Taking a break from cleaning my apartment to share some thoughts. I wish energy was something that came natural to me, but it seems like more and more I have to will myself out of bed or off of the sofa in order to get anything done.

I've been following a video blogger that mike turned me onto, and it's made me think about my life a lot more. She's so funny, quirky and interesting. I wish people saw me the way she is seen. I supposed you have to be a bit more put together than I am for that to happen though.

I feel like if I could just actualize my self image, life would fall into line with what I picture a lot more easily. Is that wishful thinking, I don't know, but I don't want to live my entire life striving to achieve something and never actually get there. On my wedding day will I still way over 2oo pounds and have to compromise on looking and feeling the way that I thought I would?

I think this applies to everything in my life. Will I compromise on the house I want to live in, the job I want to do, the people I want to make friends with, the sites I want to see?

I know it all starts with me, with some tiny light inside of myself that needs to shine brightly and burn strongly in order to propel me in the direction I want to go, but I can't help feeling that my light is sputtering, and perhaps at times not burning at all.

How do I motivate myself? How do I hold onto the things that I have and move toward the things that I want?

I don't want to fail myself, and I don't want to fail Mike, and I feel like I am. I can see it there in his eyes..a loss of something that used to be there before, and it makes me feel sick. How could this person who used to be so taken with me look at me the way he does now.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My art history teacher drives me crazy. She laughs. In the middle of her sentence it's like all of a sudden she decided what she's saying is funny, and she laughs through the rest of whatever she was saying. It pisses me off like none other. Why are the great artists of the past funny? Why are beautiful works of art, be it christian or biblical, funny? Oh.Wait. They AREN'T.

We should be in awe of these great works. We should have passion and be compelled to discuss them further, burst into tears while looking at them, but don't laugh. Please...

Yoga has been good. My teacher said i'm a woman..hearing that was really great.

I'm feeling less depressed. Getting up and moving around has helped a lot. I feel like I have a date with happiness, this saturday Alex is driving down and we're going to the interpol show...and I'm just hoping I can get my apartment clean and my mood up in time. Stock the house with a bit of food too maybe..rustle up some money for a drink or two at the show.

I miss you. I wish you were here to see a movie with me or eat food. I wish I could talk with you in person. It's funny because people spend so much of their time talking looking into the middle distance or out a window or something...we don't make eye contact enough.

Mike and I are going to have asian helper for dinner, and then I have work. Hopefully I can get a nap in before then...also a workout after yoga. Still having the weird dreams. Hmm..maybe I should start a dream journal...

Friday, February 04, 2011

I'm overdue, but I want to make this short and sweet.

There's a blizzard on, and i'm sick.

sweet, and short.