Saturday, September 30, 2006

Well, this is going rather well..

Okay, so I have a problem dealing with change...
I admit it....

Okay, so i'm drinking to much..
I admit it...

Okay, so i'm hanging on to things I would be better letting go of..
I admit it..

Okay, so i'm hurting people around me..
I admit it.

I've managed to make a fool out of myself in front of all the people the beginning of all this "wanted me"

The truth of the matter is that I don't know how to give you all what you want, because I haven't the slightest idea what I want.

The only thing I know is that I want to be happy.

Eddie doesn't love me..and i'm not too sure that he ever did..and that hurts like hell..and everytime that you kiss me or touch hurts even more..because that's real..and I don't know if what I felt with him ever was...

I want him to just be I can move on with my life..

I want to move on with my life..

Friday, September 29, 2006

I want to be a kennedy

I want to be a big heartbreaker
Live fast and for real
and you can follow it in the papers.

A distant friend of mine has cancer...she told me awhile ago and I didn't tell anyone, as it was her wish..

and now I can finally post about it..publically..

...It hit me like a ton of bricks....

Something like this could happen to any of us...

I love you Carla..that probably doesn't make any sense to you...but I love you for your strength..your resilience..and your amazing attitude towards life..

All of the people I love could die at any moment..and I don't think I think about that nearly as much as I should.

Why do we fight?
Why do we hate?
Why do we waste our time hurting one another? could be over in a moment..

.....I want to make the most out of my life..
I care for so many people...I love so many people...

So i'm not wasteing my time anymore..

A girl was shot in a school shooting two days ago...someone just walked into her school and shot her..

This world is not safe...and we are all so lucky to be here..
so let's start showing some more of that graditude...

You know..the past doesn't matter..
What happened to get me here doesn't matter
I'm thankful for all the good experiences
I've learned from all the bad..

and i'm
..nothing else matters.

i'll be brave tonight
either live or die
i'll be brave tonight
standing tall and bright

And if I had my chance i'd never let you go..

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Love is a battlefield

It's not a why do I feel like it is?

I feel like missa has all this power and at any moment she could say or do something that would end it all, and i'd be left alone..just because she doesn't "feel" like being with me..'s overwhelming..

I'm afraid to make progress because it might lead to pain..

...everything is a route to potential heartbreak...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


I had a huge long blog planned out doesn't matter now..

...A girl named emily was killed in a shooting at her school in colorado today..she was on speech..

all of a sudden nothing else matters..

...My life is meaningless..


Sunday, September 24, 2006

I want a girl with lips like morphine

Missa Baby:

I fucking love you.
and it's not all about the cock...
It's just not..

Because if it was I wouldn't be in love with that gorgeous stomach of yours
or your beautiful face...
or your ass...

You get the idea...

Be with with me until you can't stand me anymore..and then hang on awhile longer until you love me again..

Help me raise my me live my life..

I'm empty without you gorgeous..

I don't know how you worked your way into my life..but you did..and now your here..and if you leave....i'm gonna freak out..

and I swear to god i'll show you all of soon as I feel like the time is right..
I swear on my soul..

and I love you too buby..
(and your cock) shhhhh...

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Getting over you will be the hardest thing i''ve ever done..

I was thinking of you..
and then I wasn't.

Your face popped into my head
and then it was gone.

Last night I went out with my friends...and I had an awesome time..despite emily throwing things at my head...other then that it was awesome..everyone I loved was around me..and I realized that...I'm getting tired of being hung up on you..

It's kinda getting..boring...and useless..

I think about children...and your face is no where to be found..infact if I think of children..I at some point think about how lucky I am ..not to be having yours...I don't see myself building a family with you...

I think about love...and...your face...if it dim..and almost unrecognizable..
You don't really love the way that is compatable for me..

and all these realizations make me tired..
they makes me realize...

that your gone..

...and i'm happy..

...and getting really sick of telling myself I lost something..

because the truth is that..I didn't..

...I gained so much more..

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Will you still care about me when i'm not in love with you anymore..

You know what's crazy?

I looked at my girlfriend today and despite the fact that I was crying and chain smoking and thinking about screaming out really realy loud...I thought she was the most beautiful person i've ever seen...

I laid with my boyfiend tonight..I laid...with my head on his stomach..watching my favorite (okay 2nd favorite, I couldn't betray LOST) Tv show...and I was totally content..for once I didn't care if my phone rang or not.

I love my boyfriend. I love my girlfriend.
I love my life.

and everyday it's easier and easier for me to say goodbye to my past..

...and hello to my future..

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


I need to talk to you for a second..'s really difficult for me to talk to you face to face about things that are bothering me because..I guess i'm nervous..about hurting your feelings more then anything'm just gonna write it out..and hope that you understand...and understand that I know where your coming from..because I do..know where your coming from...I just want you to know how I feel..

I want our relationship to be in it's first is for me..
I wouldn't walk around naked in front of you..and know..
and I wouldn't show you certain parts of my body unless we were gonna... know...

Honey...what i'm saying here is that..I want it to be..special when we're naked or when we're looking at each other..and it's harder for me to think it's special when I see you naked like that..

...I hope you understand what i'm saying..

..I just want it to be..special ..for me..when were doing things..

so...if you could try to be a little more..modest..boxers would be fine..that's why we bought them...

..I hope i'm not asking too much of you..
and if we could just..let it be like this...for awhile..until I get comfortable with you...

...I hope you understand..

Monday, September 18, 2006

what would you say if..

I told you that i'm not who you think I am?
I told you it isn't going to be easy for you to get inside my pants?
I told you that I second guess every aspect of my like every second of every day?
I told you that sometimes I can't breathe?
I told you that most of the time my mind is somewhere else?

What would you say?
What would you do?

I'm over stressed...I'm thinking to much..i'm feeling too much...i'm on the verge of ..something ..and I don't know what..i'm not feeling well..i'm not thinking straight..i'm not..okay..

I think I want to be a buddhist...


I know no one really believes me..but it doesn't matter...I think it's what I want..

Sunday, September 17, 2006

It's hot..and I'm still tired..

There's a fly under the window..and it's making noise and bugging me..

I had so much to say before I actually started writing..shit..umm..

I watched the last made me cry really hard..Zach Braff is so's a really good movie..

I still miss someone..actually I miss a lot of people...

My life has changed so hurts to think about it..

I don't know..i'm getting worn out..AGAIN...but Grey's Anatomy starts soon..

You know what it is? I have no vacation away from EVERYTHING...I'm all alone up here...and I don't know what to do about that...i've never had to stay in one place..and now I I have to be...still..

I'm disappointed in Eddie for not being as strong as I thought he was....but then again..maybe I should have seen that coming..


I'm so ...tired..of being here...

I wanna drive..and drive...until I can actually breathe....
I can't breathe..


Friday, September 15, 2006

We won't discuss this..

you can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking

but it's just the temperature
then again if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's just the way the operation made me

So..I'm not doing all that well currently.
You are hurting me
All of you
...Or maybe ...

....Maybe i'm hurting myself...

It's probably the latter..

Your words hurt.
Your looks hurt.
The way you touch me hurts
Everything hurts.

I'm empty and alone right now..

and everyone single one of you are using me to fill some selfish place inside you that's empty..and i'm getting really sick of it...

...No one really cares how I feel...
No one realy cares what I want..
...No one -really- cares
About me.

Because if you did..
You wouldn't rush me..
You wouldn't push or pull..
....You wouldn't be scared to see me..
You wouldn't do and say things with me
that you wont -always- be able to do

I am taking time for myself whether you want me to or not..
Whether you believe that I am or not

It's my life..
It's my FUCKING sanity...
So let me take care of myself
Because if you dont
I'm going to loose myself..


...excuse me...

I'll be awhile..

Thursday, September 14, 2006

We'll float on good news is on the way..

God i'm tired..

I can feel the period looming over my head..gross..

I have to work the jewel in franklin huh?

I can't wait for saturday..Emily's party is going to be the -shit-
I plan on just letting everything out..

it'll be good for me..

so anyways..I think i'm taking a vacation this christmas..

Sunday, September 10, 2006

My nose is so stuffy

gah..I hate having a stuffy nose..gah!

I'm still avoiding hands are really dry...this is kinda random..

Eddie hasn't called me..I wonder what he's up to...

...hmm..I'll do that quiz now..

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I drank to much..

I hate when I do that thing where I drink a lot because I wanna disappear..

Sorry Lissa, sorry Steve..I just..couldn't do it today...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's coking me up...

"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.

Only one of you will really understand this blog..
But all of you will think you will.

I have a feeling..
Like everything will end up okay..
Like I will be happy in the end.

I don't know where were going..
I dont really care..

This is going to sound weird:
I trust you..
Even though I never have before..
Maybe i'm at the bottom..
Maybe It's because I have nothing left to lose
I have a lot to lose..

Reguardless..You have my trust..
Something you've asked for ..for so long..
and I could never give you.

It's funny...
You didn't ask for it..
But yet i'm giving it to you..

...I guess it's because i'm neurotic..

So sue me..

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

It's gonna be a long night..

I'm under stress..

Fucking unneeded stress...

I'm coupling two totally different things togeather in my head..and the result is that I feel like i'm going to be or already have been raped...fucked up? yeah I know..trying actually being inside my body thinks something is seriously wrong here..

I dont know what to do...I don't know what to say..

um...I'm sorry I feel this way?
I'm sorry it's hard for me to be around you lately..
I'm sorry I shake on the inside when you touch me
I'm sorry we have this set back...because it's my fault too..

I...honestly don' t know what to say...

We'll try again...when I convince myself that you haven't let me down...

I'm sick...but I don't know what's wrong...yuck
I get these adrenaline rushs of energy and then i'm dead for the rest of the sucks

Why are you doing this body?


Did you know..Death threats cause stress

I'm having some trouble sleeping...umm...I don't want to be cut up into pieces...I don't want to be raped either for that matter...

The door's open....normally we don't leave the door open..but it's cool out tonight..and all the windows are open too..

and I'm aware that i'm putting myself under more stress then is needed, but I can't help's a terrifying thought..especially thinking about how much I fucked with his head over the last 3 weeks...

...I don't know...i'm making myself sick over the whole thing..and I know i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight...I don' t know what to do...

I'm distant..I feel sick...I'm hot..I just don't feel like doing..anything...not even sleeping..

gah...bad night..bad..bad night..

Why would you say that to someone? I mean..why? What would have to be wrong with you to threaten someone like that..jesus...


I'm gonna a corner somewhere...

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Burn it down 'til the embers smoke on the ground..

~and start anew when your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue~

I love death fucking much...

I feel like eddie wants to fight with me...everytime he calls we end up arguing over our past...and I suppose that's because if it had gone any other way we might still be togeather..and I think ..we..can't let that go...

...there's this huge "what if"...and nothing to do except let it go...

...He doesn't want to see one I know thinks I should see I guess it's not a good idea...but you know...I want to see him for closure more than anything else...just to be standing there next to him so I can think "oh okay..yeah....I got it.." in my head..I dont know..

I'm kinda getting sick of fighting with him about stupid shit that I don't even really care about anymore, but he makes me feel like I was terrible person ..for three years of my life..and I didn't even know am I supposed to react to feeling that way?

...but yeah...switching gears

Sexually..i'm pretty fucked up right now..I know consciously that I wasn't used..that he generally cares about me..I know all that...but my body doesn't...i'll be fine..i'll be fine, i'll be fine, i'll be fine...

Me and Missa are doing really well...I love you gorgeous..I love you.

...other than that..I think i'm getting sick..I don't know what's wrong with me..but I don't feel all that well....we'll see how that goes..

Okay...homework...astronomy...right after I talk Mike down..

What my life is like..

Sitting on ferris wheel's watching fireworks with my girlfriend..

Being cooked mac and cheese by my boyfriend and not having to do anything but eat..

Sitting in cars talking about the future..

Making out in cars while thinking about the future oh so previously talked about..

Singing "Basket ball jones" annoyingly at 3am while working next to my girlfriend just to see her reaction...

Cuddling...Hugging..Foot massages..back massages...constant massages in general...

My gorgeous GORGEOUS girlfriend...who could be a goddess if such a thing exsists..

Two wops...haha...two wops...who fit together so well it's almost a joke..

Some quotes:

"And then you guys can start making lots of puppies that she can take care of"-Me
*Everyone laughs*
"....Fuck you guys.."-Me

"One day i'm gonna be talking to you, and holding your hand..and your gonna have a beer in your other hand..the one your forced to wave around while you talk, and your gonna spill it everywhere"-Steve

"...and I like your...toes...their bubbley"-Missa

"What? They give you free emergency contraceptive? Missa! Amanda gets FREE emergency contraceptive!!"-Me
"Amanda, you gotta give us like 5 boxes of that shit"-Missa
"Ten boxes!"-Me
"Okay" -Amanda
"NO, we aren't joking amanda" -Me and Missa

"Don't screw this up!"- Mooney

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I am going to cut my nose off..

So..after working 11 hours yesterday cleaning up some other merchandizers horrible mess of a reset lissa and I have decided to get their name's and addresses and slow send those bitches a vitamin at a they'll remember what they did to us..

Fuckin incompatant people..piss me off...

AND I WANT TO WATCH LOST!!! ..on a serious not I feel pretty fuckin good about my life right now...i'm so amazing!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Macro-Vent session

All right...I gotta get it out.
I am NEVER shopping at F.Y.E again...those fuckin bastards...
Here's the story:

I live a good 45 mins away from the I call out there today after my last class and the conversation goes as follows:
Me: "Hi, I'm wondering is you guys are selling Lost: Season 2"
Worker: "As a matter a fact we are, their right in front of me"
Me: "Great, can you put a copy on hold under the name Ally for me?"
Worker: " I sure can, when will you be here to pick it up?"
Me: "I'll actually be there in about 30 mins"
Worker: "All-right, we'll see you then"

So I walk into the store and intend to be given my fucking copy of Lost: Season 2
But no.

He said to me "I have it right here, but it doesn't come out until tuesday"
*jaw drops*
Me: Excuse me...I called and you said they were on sale
Him: "I'm sorry theres nothing I can do for you"
*Jaw drops farther*
Me: But...I just from like an hour to get here..
Him: "I'm sorry..there's nothing I can do for you"

and then lissa pulled me out of the store.

Mother fuckers.

So is what I wanted to say to you FYE man:

I am a college student who only has a few nerdy pleasures inbetween class, sex, eating and sleeping. I have been counting down the days until I get to watch my favorite TV show on repeat while doing homework, having sex, eating and sleeping. I called you, and you lied to me. How hard is it for you to do your fucking job? Honestly? Your a fucking dumbass who has no concern for anyone else but yourself and your money... I'm so pissed at you...and I will never EVER forgive you, You ruined my day. I don't care what your reasons for lying to me were, you've hurt me emotionally...and we can never EVER be friends. Asshole. that I got that out I feel a lot better.
But I will never shop there again. Ever.


Side note: I was so upset after the inital shock that I was forced to go to hot topic and buy 16 and 14 gage earings...which cost me 32.00 I think F.Y.E should reimburse me the 35 dollars for my pain and suffering. Dammit.

Why do you think your the only one getting hurt in this situation?

I keep hurting people..

All I want to do is be happy..
I need force right now..
I need to be very submissive..
I need someone to take me, and wrap me up, or throw me down..or -whatever- and force me to be happy..

Because if you leave it to me..if you let me run the show...I'll end up hurting everyone in the cast out of fear that I don't know how to direct..

that's just how it is right now..
I'm sorry I can't be what you want melissa...but i'm just me.. damaged as that might be..