Saturday, June 25, 2011

To the man who raped my friend..

I don't know who you are. I've only seen you maybe once, in passing, but the truth of the matter is that I don't think anyone really knows who you are. Only you. Only you really know what it was that propelled you to take advantage of my friend. Only you know if you've done it to other woman, weaker woman. Woman you find walking on the side of the road. Prostitutes who might have lost their way in life and can't find any other solution. Do you rape them too? Do you kill them? Are you this person? Is it possible that you could have just raped my friend by mistake? That this whole thing could really have been a misunderstanding on your part, a mistake in verbal cues that you thought you heard or felt? I really don't think so. I think you are one hundred percent the rapist you were with her in the bathroom stall.

When you went home and looked at your daughter, twenty three years old and the same age as my friend, did you think to yourself that somewhere a pervert like you might take advantage of her the way you did that night? I hope you did, and hope if you didn't that you do. I hope the thought that people like you might pray on your daughter creeps into your mind and haunts you uncontrollably until you can no longer stand it and are forced to some measure of insane reaction.

The things you said and did to my friend and inexcusable. You are a disgrace to your people, and more over to the human race. Your only saving grace, if there is any at all for you, is that my friend is strong beyond measure. She is intrepid and she will carry on. Sometime in the future she'll be able to live through a day without remembering how you used her up. How you broke down the barriers in her mind until she finally gave into you. A rapist of the highest caliber. If you are the lion on the savannah, I hope you don't see it coming when you fall into the stampede of zebras that will surely come your way. I hope your carcass is left to rot in the burning sun.

Life will find a way to return what you have done threefold, and while I am certain that I won't be there to see it when it happens, someone will. You. In those moments I hope you are forced to think about what you've done.

If nothing else, when the tail of Minos wraps itself around your body in hell and sends you past the lust ring straight to the bottom circle, the Malebolge, where the panderers and seducers like yourself suffer I hope you experience perpetual pain and fear for all of eternity.

Rot. You demon, in hell where you belong.
People like yourself deserve nothing less.

Monday, June 20, 2011

We should never let go.

A little less than a week ago, I was in the shower when I fainted. The next day I felt dizzy numerous times throughout the day. I thought sleep would help, but it didn't. I woke up to a spinning room, something I've never experienced before and hands down one of the most frightening things to ever happen to me.

I've never experienced vertigo the way I have this last week. I've never had to take Dramamine in order to keep food down. I thought I was dying.

I know I should have gone to the doctor, but I didn't. I don't have insurance, I'm only awake at night, and I was scared they would tell me I have a brain tumor.

The vertigo seems to have abated, as of now it's been two days vertigo free.

First I thought it might be my diet, but I take supplements everyday, and I always drink protein shakes. Now I'm thinking it was an inner ear infection that resolved itself.

Either way, it really made me think about how fragile life is.

It's important to hold on to those things that are the most precious to you.

"So take this heart of mine. You've taken it a hundred thousands times.
But this time, I'm going to take it with me." - Blue October

Monday, June 13, 2011

Laundry and a complete sense of self

Laundry is such a pain in the ass.

I'm trying to keep myself awake. I still have a lot to do before sleep finds me.

I've been feeling great lately. I've totally adjusted to the pescatarian diet, and I've actually been feeling well enough to exercise. Mike and I have been running three times a week, and I'm truly starting see the changes in my body. I'm getting leaner, stronger and my cardiovascular health is improving drastically.

I thought I would miss meat a lot more than I am. I actually feel better without it, I don't have any cravings at all. If anything, I have a taste for chicken tiki masala, but that's it.

“Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn. You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak! Bury an animal, and nothing happens but decay.”- George Bernard Shaw

The only regrets I have as of late are not spending enough time alone with myself and not getting out enough to do the things I plan to. I put a lot on my plate, so to speak, and only ever finish about 1/3 of it all. I would like to finish everything. It's a goal I'm setting for myself.

Some time this week I hope to make use of the new grill Mike and I bought at the world market. It's so cute, and I think grilling up some salmon and veggies lakeside will be such a nice treat for the both of us. We're really getting closer, if that's possible after 4 years. Running together is really helping. I see my future in his eyes and it feels so great.

I can smell the world in the air, and it smells fulfilling.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

When there's a burning in your heart..don't be alarmed.

Mike is on a camping trip with his father and cousins, and I am alone for the weekend.

It's Saturday, and my mother slept over last night. Partially because I'm ill, and partially because I don't know how to be alone. That is something I would like to work on tonight and tomorrow. Being comfortable being alone with myself. I'm detached from who I am and I would like to reconnect with myself.

I want to get a handle of the things I want out of life currently. Make a list of things I want to do this summer and goals I have for the immediate future.

I'm a little nervous to spend time with myself.

So many ways to experience life, and one of my favorite ways has always been through music. A band that has always helped me experience life this way is Death Cab for Cutie.

"When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow"