Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

2:40 pm

okay...I've completely lost it.

100% gone crazy.

I could wait forever.
I would wait forever.
I will wait...as long as it takes...

I don't think it's possible for me to ever have a love like the one I had with Eddie.
Yeah..sometimes it was terrible..
Yeah..sometimes I wasn't even in love with him..

...But at least it was fuckin real.

And if I have to wait forever to get back to that..

...I will.

100% insane right now.

Maybe i'll find someone better.
I don't want someone better..
...not right now, not at this second

I want Eddie.

Even if it's just for a fucking second...

I want that FUCKING FEELING IN MY GODDAMN STOMACH.
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING DURING SEX
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING JUST BEING AROUND THE PERSON.

I WANT TO FUCKING LOVE SOMEONE!!!!!

....I'm tired...i'm so fucking tired of not loving anyone..

The truth? The honest to god truth?
The only time I feel love is when i'm on the phone with him..

and even then...it's this faded memory of what I used to have.
He's right...he's absolutely right when he says i'm hanging on..

I fucking am.
I am hanging on with every muscle in my body..

because if I let go..

....that means i'm alone...

and I hate being alone..
alone hurts
alone makes me write blogs like this..

....I need to be underneath someone who fucking loves me..
...who I love back.

Even if it's just one more time..before I die..

and I dont even care how fucked up I am right now
I dont care.




Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

Where am I in terms of getting over Eddie?
Well..

I know he isn't coming back. I know that.
I know that even if he came back, it's not time for us to be together.

I still love him..i'm still in love with him..
...it's different that full on lust...but it's still..lustful...

He's my friend.

He's my best friend.

..and all I really want is to enjoy being his friend...
and maybe sometimes have sex...

I've learned that having sex with someone doesn't automatically mean you love them.
My mistake.

But when you find that person that you sleep with..because you love them..

..it's so good.

That you only meant well (well of course you did)
That's it all for the best (oh yeah you know it is)
That's it's just what we need (who decided this)