Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I'm struggling desperately to stay happy..if you haven't noticed.

Mood: My head hurts
Music: Supernatural Blonde By: Marvelous Three

Well I started this story in the middle of the page, I remembered the lines and forgot my age. When somebody said my attitude was snottey. That's when you called, "take it out tonight" We'll catch a late night movie and a late night flight, i'll be getting real drunk and making fun of everybody.

Ain't nobody gonna get me down, something must be going around.

You can stick the sign up your ass- The one that says it won't last. My sugarbuzz is growing higher and higher everyday.

Your sarcasm cuts like a knife, but i'll have the time of my life, because my sugarbuzz is growing higher and higher, everday.


You can do this, you can stay happy...you can stay happy.
.Stay.Happy. Stay.Happy.Stay.Happy.

A tip I learned from my social worker:

I am having a good day. I am having a good day. I am having a good day.

I am having a good day.

Monday, February 27, 2006

..I wish I could ask time to stop..just for awhile..

I've stopped moving, I'm looking around and no one is stopping. The world is moving without me and i'm screaming "STOP STOP, I'm not ready to keep going!!"

I want to stop time.

Because I'm not ready to leave you..

Sunday, February 26, 2006

...I'm riding the highs and digging the lows..Because at least I feel .Alive...

Time: 10:30pm
Mood: Tranquil
Norah Jones: Sunrise

I'm the girl who falls -up- the stairs.

Today I remembered why Midnight Blue is my favorite color. I was walking out of work and I was suddenly bathed in this..Blue..Light. It was almost indescribable..(but i'll attempt it anyway), color in my world seems dull lately..my eyes don't usually notice beautiful colors when i'm outside..when I watch T.V yes..but that doesn't count..I'm talking about the world that surrounds me...and it's gray..and gross..and I hate that about Illinois. But the blue..that..blue, reflecting on my skin like that..it was..awesome.

The worst type of lie is the one you don't know about.

Half of my mind thinks I need to just suck it up and say "It happens" ..but if you want to know the truth? I hate "It happens" because I hate accepting that things just "happen" especially when you had the power to stop it from "happening" ...I strongly dislike that saying..

I am original.

Half of my mind thinks that i'm not, and that I never will be.

I like chocolate mocha better than white chocolate...but I couldn't figure that out until I finally ordered coffee on my own.

I love my friends for who they are.

.Melissa. Brett. Steve.Emily.Stephanie.Jessica.Bobby.Jonny.Joe.

That's who they are.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

...and all the scars of the never's and maybe's die..

Last night I got online to check my diary website for what I didn't know would be the last time. A week or so ago, my diary hosting site broke. The manager of the site sent the drive away to try and have all the entries from the millions of users recovered. The attempt failed. I lost four years worth of entries.

Some people would say that happened for a reason. I'm getting ready to move away to college in four months..and perhaps it's fate that I lost every entry I ever made about the past.

Some people would say that..in the grand scheme of things...loosing my entries is very ..small..

I disagree.

But I can let this go...I'm not sitting in a corner rocking back and fourth or anything......anymore.


Who am I?

I'm a girl. I have lived..more than some. I have also lived less than some...but the fact still stands. I have lived.

I've been engrossed in the darkness of life. I've been physically and emotionally abused. I've loved people who didn't love me back..i've loved people who have used me. I have used people. I have been used. I've made my mistakes.

but for some reason..i've made more good decisions then bad... and I've come to this point.
...where i'm happy.

...So life continues...and I will continue to write about it.

...I strive to be like that baby. Peaceful. Innocent. Happy.

and this is the place where I will discuss all of my failed and sucessful attempts at my personal attempt for peace of mind.