Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How do you speak freely when you know someone is listening?

Mike thinks that it's weird for me to keep these things. He says that I should burn them, throw them out, lock them up in a box and put them away..something..

Alex and I burned a few things, and it made me feel better, but it hasn't stopped the nightmares. I wrote a letter, and lit it on fire over sage..

I felt better..for awhile.

To me the idea of throwing these things out is useless..I mean..they are perfectly good things, useful, entertaining...why should I just throw them away?

I can't remember the name of his car..the G6...I think it was something like fiona..or falinia...something.

I worry that he is going to walk up to my front door one day, and demand something from me...or point a gun at me and pull the trigger.

I know that I probably don't need to be paranoid like that..but I am...I have this fear that he might try to kill me...out of some blame that I ruined his life, his marriage...something..

To hear him on the phone that way...talking about needing a really freaked me out. I don't put a lot of stock into religion..and to hear someone putting every once of faith into religion like that...was really fucking weird. It was the first step in realizing that I didn't truly know this person.

I know that him and I are probably much more alike then I want to admit. If life is as forgiving as I think it is, he's probably thinking the same things about me...probably just happy to be left in tact...probably feeling like the victim of someone's terrible game..

..that's how I feel...

Like I was lucky to get out with my life in sanity in tact..

Like I'm even more blessed and lucky to still have my friends, my family, and my lover.

I hope that he is happy. He's probably working his ass far as I could tell, he was in quite a lot of debt...that has to suck. I decided not to go after the 500 dollars he owes my mother...I wouldn't get anything, and it wouldn't be worth it anyway. You're Welcome.

...I just want the nightmares to stop...but i'll settle for them to just be less lucid. If I could wake up and know where I am right away, that would be amazing. I don't want to get up and look at the floor to see if it's hardwood or hospital tile...I want to just trust that it's the fluffy carpet of our bedroom.

Sometimes I really do feel like I'm being haunted. My thoughts feel like they've been put there...inserted into my brain so that I have no control over what I think and when I think it.

..and to know that it's happening to Mike to...that hurts so bad...I can't begin to tell you what it does to me to see him upset and know that i'm the cause of it..

I just want to push forward..

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Glide, a rock concert experience

I just got back from this rock concert that i've been waiting for for like a month, and I was so incredibly pleased. I took my cousin, and I think that she really enjoyed it as luck would have it, I totally forgot my camera. It's funny to me, that sometimes not having the camera makes the experience so much more memorable to you. I remember the way that the place looked and smelt way more then I would if I had been behind that lens the whole time.

Mike and I danced. We haven't danced in a very long time. Jennifer said that we looked adorable, and that made me feel really good.

You know what else made me feel really good? The fact that I was out on a saturday night, with my boyfriend and one of my best friends, at a kick ass show in the middle of chicago.

Living life.