Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I find it really funny that my father called me today. Yesterday I was telling mike how I'm finished wanting his help, his approval and his love. He has not contacted me in months, even though he's now living and working a mere 20 minutes from where I live.

I started thinking maybe Vince had it right, maybe its useless to try to force something that was never there to begin with..and I decided I don't want to try to shove him into a box he'll never fit in.

..and then he calls me today. It's like he felt the unleash of my emotions and knew he better call because it's now or never.

I didn't answer. I don't think I'm going to. He can leave a message if he wants to speak with me, because from now on I'm screening. Screening my emotions and stilling my heart against his "almost" love.

This beef and cheese nonsense is almost over, and I'm going to pursue Loyola and the gym hard, I'm going to flesh out my body and my mind until I'm happy with what I see in the mirror.

It's Yule today..something special is supposed to be happening, but unfortunately I didn't work out the foresight or desire to work through that ahead of time.

Sometimes I don't mind letting what fades away go...like my relationship with Samantha or Brett, my relationship with my Dad or holidays like Yule...
..I have my family, and he's taking a shower in the other room. I don't mind spending every day on the sofa with him resting his head between my legs. It's awesome in that place, and I don't care what the world thinks about me.

My friends give me that...Masella does, and so does Joe...a place where I know I'm protected and nurtured from the outer judgements and persecutions of others, and it's nice in that place too.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Only justin from blue october knows my pain. Why can't he actually hold me the way he does in my dreams.

Strip club. I thought i'd be okay with it until I realized that you were getting private dances. More intimate, more wrong. I'm probably a hypocrite, but I don't care. It struck a massive jealously cord inside my stomach. I can't look at you, I want to rip your throat out.

Obviously it's very animalistic.

Meanwhile, i'm pretty much done with beef and cheese. I want this week to end, I want to have a nice christmas with my family, and then I want to start to get back to my normal life. My gym, and all.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I disappearing into the snow.

I find myself sitting on the futon after a long time, mike in the bedroom, far too often.

I changed it up last night. Slept in the bed.

I really do want to have a dinner for Yule. I was thinking about making a big pasta dish. Or chicken? I don't know..I was thinking of what it would look like, candles all lit, people sitting and talking, maybe I'd pass around a bowl of questions. Alcohol. I wonder if Samantha would come out. I'd really like that.

I want to do it..but i'm scared it will be a bust.

Maybe I won't do it...maybe i'll just continue to disappear. It's easier.

I need to get my car fixed, do the laundry, finish Christmas shopping, and take care of myself a bit more.

...and maybe connect with my boyfriend..if he'll let me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So im feeling massively overrun. Completely in complete and totally lost. Dont worry, im okay with it.
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Monday, December 06, 2010

Getting back into work today. I think i'm going to go in after all the drama has commenced. I'm just finished with all that nonsense.

Nonsense in general it starting to become something that sends me in the other direction. I'm tired of people not saying what they mean or what they feel.

More over..I need to worry about myself, and my family. That's what the few precious days of time off has shown me. My fiance', my mother and my brothers are the most important people in my life right now...christmas is coming, and christmas eve is going to be at my place, something i've looked forward to for a long time. I want to be prepared. A christmas tree, maybe a wreath and some lights...good food cooking in the kitchen and candles lit all over my apartment..and presents.

I don't have a lot of money to spare this year, and what money I do have needs to go to the people who matter the most.

I've heard countless people stating reasons why I won't be getting a present from them this year. I want them to know, it's fine by me, and I hope they understand that it goes both ways.

I'm thinking about myself, and I'm thinking about my family, and that's the most imporant thing right now, for my happiness my sanity and my dignity.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

The snow looks more beautiful on the lake and around my building than I could have possibly hoped for. I can't wait to get a tree and decorate my apartment a little.

I spent the day in bed though.

I was hiding away today. I was not ready to brave streets and drivers and employees and parents today.

Plus Anne of Green Gables was on TV...okay okay I know what you're thinking, that I'm a total dweeb..and you're right, I am. I don't care, because Anne of Green Gables ROCKS. (For those who have no clue what I'm talking about, it's an old school movie based off of a book written 100 years ago about a girl who lives in this beautiful countryside at the turn of the century. It's little house on the prairie for grownups.

So tonight I'm making dinner for my mom. Something i've wanted to do for a long time, but haven't been able to because of the state of my apartment and my life. Rosemary and lemon chicken with a side of broccoli and cheese as well as some tomato Parmesan pasta and the kicker- fresh baked biscuits. She is going to freak. Plus I got a bottle of champagne. The best, Korbel.

Something about treating others makes me feel so good inside.

I'm really enjoying the holiday season. I'm not letting it rush past me this time. I'm slowing down and letting it just happen.

...I was thinking of inviting a small group of friends over for Yule..

Thursday, December 02, 2010

I woke up to the phone buzzing, and I wasn't really sure where I was this morning. I knew I was cold, and that my throat was in pain...I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes, trying to acclimate to ...my life, I guess? After a couple of minutes I was able to get my body up and into the bathroom.

That's when the pain started, in my calves and arms. My wrist in particular. I shouldn't have climbed so high in the storage unit yesterday, shouldn't have thrown that box thinking it wouldn't come back down on me. Shouldnt have tried to take care of everything by myself...

I wrapped myself in every scarf I could find, and put my coat and boots on to move my car.

Don't worry, no ticket on my car..no flat tire or anything..just me in the cold by the lake this morning. Even with the cold wind stinging my face the lake still looks beautiful. I still can't take my eyes away, even after 7 months.

I was remembering the first day..when we walked along the lake path down by lake shore drive...how the water was a sky blue instead of the ice gray it was this morning, how you could smell it's sweet scent in the air, and feel the weight of it. How we debated the pros and cons of the apartment, and what it would be like to live in a place next to such a force.

Things are colder now, the lake seemed oddly quiet today..and as I walked back into the apartment I couldn't help but think about how I didn't know it was going to be this hard.

We prevail...and just because a job might end or a bills might pile up does not mean we can't push through. You've shown me that numerous times...so I believe we can prevail when it comes to us..to our relationship. I love talking to you...your fast paced descriptions of life and all its contents. I love how articulate you are...you're like my own Robert downy jr. I love that you've learned to match me in fights. You don't curl into that shell anymore, you dominate with opinion and sincerity.

I wish you would show the same force in other relationships, because you shouldn't take shit from anyone.

I want to show you everything in London..I want to show you the tower, and walk the bridge with you. We can take a day and go see Shakespeare's house if you wanted too, there is so much...and I really want it to happen..maybe we could aim for June?

Northlake weighs you down..those shitty suburbs where everything seems so breakable and expensive. I wish I could stay in the boarders of the city more often, I wish I could appreciate my apartment and burn incence and cook today..

..but there are responsibilties waiting for me...and it's almost time to wake you up.