..Everything will be all right, Everything will be all right..
5 o'clock this morning, and i'm smack in the middle of a really really bad thunderstorm.
One that's involving my fucked up life, and the other that involves the wheather.
I have a message on my phone where my new ex-boyfriend is telling me he's contemplating suicide (again) only this time he's seeing monsters that are yelling at him and ..doing other monster like things.
Great.
Steve is in a lot of pain because of his eyes, and he's every other thought in my head now..is he okay, should I be over there..ect
I'm tired, more tired then i've ever been..
Everything is on me, every decision I make is souly mine, every person I hurt, every person I make happy is based on the decisions I make..and it's too much..
I hurt someone really bad..and I honest to god didn't mean to ..
It wouldn't have mattered what I did in the situation..I would have hurt someone.
Suicide...I pushed someone to suicide..
I have to live with that.
I'm incredibily fucked up right now..
I'm not really sure how much farther I can fall..and I haven't even started college yet..
This is awesome.
You love the things I say I'll do The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you You take away when I give in My life My pride is broken
Everytime I have a problem my retort is "I'm not even supposed to be here"
Well I am here.
So I'm not saying that anymore.
I am here, and I WANT to be here..so i'm not leaning on a future that was never going to happen anymore.
The clock ticks life away.
Look at me..i'm so pathetic...stuggling to hang on to something, anything that will make me happy for a moment.
I used him...not conciously..but reguardless..I used him...
God.
I was a kid when I met eddie, a child, a girl..I didn't know what I was doing..and it was all passion
I grew up.
Now love is more practical..more realistic, less story-book...with spurts of passion..
I have to take a man I love to the doctor today..and all I know right now is that ..that's real..that's life..
I know that Three people have a stronger base then two people..
I know that mike and I would have ended up just like Eddie and I ...only I would have been the coward..from the beginning..and I couldn't hurt him like that..so I stopped it before it wasn't too late.
I know that I want a future that will make me happy..I want to have a child with someone, I want to have good sex once and awhile..I want to help make dinner..I want to watch movies in the living room..I want a big bed with a canopy like lissa likes...
I want to make all of that..
I want it more than I want anything or anyone else.
So i'm in this. Let's do it.
Something just happened to me..Eddie just disappeared. From my thoughts from my life from..me..
I felt it. Right now.
I want to stand up
I want to let go.
I'm so much older then I can take.
And my affection..well it comes and goes.
5 o'clock this morning, and i'm smack in the middle of a really really bad thunderstorm.
One that's involving my fucked up life, and the other that involves the wheather.
I have a message on my phone where my new ex-boyfriend is telling me he's contemplating suicide (again) only this time he's seeing monsters that are yelling at him and ..doing other monster like things.
Great.
Steve is in a lot of pain because of his eyes, and he's every other thought in my head now..is he okay, should I be over there..ect
I'm tired, more tired then i've ever been..
Everything is on me, every decision I make is souly mine, every person I hurt, every person I make happy is based on the decisions I make..and it's too much..
I hurt someone really bad..and I honest to god didn't mean to ..
It wouldn't have mattered what I did in the situation..I would have hurt someone.
Suicide...I pushed someone to suicide..
I have to live with that.
I'm incredibily fucked up right now..
I'm not really sure how much farther I can fall..and I haven't even started college yet..
This is awesome.
You love the things I say I'll do The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you You take away when I give in My life My pride is broken
Everytime I have a problem my retort is "I'm not even supposed to be here"
Well I am here.
So I'm not saying that anymore.
I am here, and I WANT to be here..so i'm not leaning on a future that was never going to happen anymore.
The clock ticks life away.
Look at me..i'm so pathetic...stuggling to hang on to something, anything that will make me happy for a moment.
I used him...not conciously..but reguardless..I used him...
God.
I was a kid when I met eddie, a child, a girl..I didn't know what I was doing..and it was all passion
I grew up.
Now love is more practical..more realistic, less story-book...with spurts of passion..
I have to take a man I love to the doctor today..and all I know right now is that ..that's real..that's life..
I know that Three people have a stronger base then two people..
I know that mike and I would have ended up just like Eddie and I ...only I would have been the coward..from the beginning..and I couldn't hurt him like that..so I stopped it before it wasn't too late.
I know that I want a future that will make me happy..I want to have a child with someone, I want to have good sex once and awhile..I want to help make dinner..I want to watch movies in the living room..I want a big bed with a canopy like lissa likes...
I want to make all of that..
I want it more than I want anything or anyone else.
So i'm in this. Let's do it.
Something just happened to me..Eddie just disappeared. From my thoughts from my life from..me..
I felt it. Right now.
I want to stand up
I want to let go.
I'm so much older then I can take.
And my affection..well it comes and goes.
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