Monday, August 14, 2006

There's beauty in the break down..

So you know that speaking plainly thing? Yeah...I think i'm gonna try that..just for a moment.
..Today was not a good day in the life of -me-
Today was shitty.
Jill and Jackie (and emily) left...
..which wouldn't have been so bad except I now associate "leaving" with only one thing
Eddie.
Brett's leaving on the 17th..but he's already gone anyway..
Amanda's leaving...Amanda...my fucking rock..
Begovich left..
And it's just like...too much..
It was too much for me today..
...to associate all that leaving with Eddie.

No more pretending or lying. I miss Eddie. I miss talking to him, and laughing at his sarcastic whitty sometimes overly bold jokes..I miss his personality..I miss the way he can make me feel so ...happy..

You know what sucks? I feel like I don't have a unique personality..maybe that's because everyone around me is SO unique...I don't know..maybe I am unique...i'm not sure..

a good friend of mine was feeling suicidal yesterday...and I freaked out on the person...I mean like seriously yelling at them for the way they felt...I don't know why I did that...I think it was because I want to feel suicidal but I can't...because of all the people I know i'd hurt..and it pissed me off that someone that I personally would love to have the life of...felt so low...

I feel bad for yelling...but at the same time I don't...

Amanda and I were talking...about how i'm single now...and I told her...that it freaks me out that I don't have a goal anymore...eddie was a goal that I set for myself...whether it was to make it two more months so that I could see him...or to wait three years so that I could leave here...I was always setting a goal..and he was always my excuse to do that...and now that excuse is gone..and i'm afraid that i'll fall into a rhytmn that I don't really want to be in...because I don't have a goal for myself..

I don't want to loose myself...

I'm Alexandra ...and I have awesome potential...

...and I don't want to waste it..

I also miss loving someone...I have all these people that love me...but I don't really love anyone..not in the way that I loved eddie...I don't have someone that I really -want- like -desire- like -desire passionately- to make love to... Eddie was the only person I ever really WANTED to be under, or on or all over...and now I don't have anyone...and i'm so sad...because I feel like my ability to love like that is broken...because of fear...because of pain...because of longing.. I feel like it's broken...

and I don't know how to fix it..

I'm so afraid that i'll never heal right...that i'll never be okay....

...that i'll always be alone..

...that I won't find someone that makes me as happy as eddie did...

...I'm so fucking afraid..

...so like I said...today wasn't a good day for me...at all...






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