Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I need a pause button for life.

My stomach's been hurting really bad the last three days.
I'm kinda worried.
I'm sure it's just a side effect from working 60 hours a week and going to school full time.

I love working because it means more money and more time with friends. I just hate the way my body has been feeling lately.

I think if I drastically change the way I am eating I might be able to work things out. Salads and yogurt. Once a week minimum at the gym.

I just wish I could sleep for a week. I desperately need a vacation. As soon as this semesters over I know I'll be feeling a lot better.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Just live your life...

...No telling where it will take you.

Brett left for California yesterday. It feels bittersweet.

I have big dreams and big hopes for him. Probably as big as the dreams he has for himself. I think that happens when two people are as close as we are. Brett is the single most important thing I found through-out my four years of High School.

Almost ten years ago.

I still remember that first year. Thinking he was so attractive. Watching him walk. Getting butterflies when he would talk to me, or touch me. I remember the middle too. Working past 10pm every night. Wanting our piece for speech team to be better than perfect. Knowing that we had what it took. All of a sudden I knew how to walk like him. I had it too, that ability to give others butterflies.

Now we're on to this part- which I won't call the end. End of an era perhaps, but not the end. He still has the walk, but the whole package is so much more than just that. Forget butterflies, now he'll just knock you on your ass with his awesomeness. It's too big for Chicago. He's getting out, going where he's useful, going where the big boys are. To be a star. He has everything it takes to make it. All he needs now is the right person to notice.

...and here I am.

Surprisingly enough- I don't have much to complain about. I don't feel deserted. I don't feel lost or alone without him. Our friendship is too epic for that. If anything I am glad for the distance because I can focus. I need to focus on myself, on where I'm headed. I need to walk on my own. So that I have something to offer.

I want a version of the greatness that Brett is moving towards, one that is tailored to my own hopes and dreams. I never want to fear the need to do what it takes.

I feel proud and envious of him. He is forging a path in the right direction. I wonder how many of our group of friends will follow in his footsteps.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Life the live you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Thoughts on Sexuality

Yesterday was "Freedom of sexuality day" and not only did I spend a great deal of time thinking about and being grateful for my own sexuality, but I did a lot of thinking about sexuality as it applies to my family.

My grandfather (on my father's side) is a homosexual man.

He lived in a time when homosexually was shunned and people were forced to bury their true nature or hide it from the world, and in most cases both methods were necessary. He married my grandmother for the sake of appearances and had 6 children, including my father. Their family suffered greatly from his choice and to this day my aunt's and uncle's are some of the most damaged people I know.

It's difficult to imagine that if my grandfather had lived in today's time period, my father would never have been born and therefore I wouldn't exist either. I am the product of a flawed way of thinking. I owe my existence to an era of time in which Gays were persecuted and forced to deny their nature.

There is much more to this story, but just that fact alone is enough.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Old goals and new goals

So much going on with classes and work that I just haven't had enough time to sit down and write.

I have totally fallen in love with Loyola. My professors are amazing and I am so happy to be a part of the student body. The Campus is beautiful, the lake is always in view and even though it's getting colder I don't mind.

I know I made the right choice. For myself for my family and for my future.

Now all that's let is to keep working hard on getting my body in shape. May 2oth is my deadline.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

How do you measure..

525,600 minutes..

How do you measure a year? How about love? Measure in love, seasons of love.

The truth is that I'm still dealing with the crisis that my family has been put through this last month. I feel that things are going back to normal, but there is still a lot of emotional pain. Therapy is helping, the gym is helping, but I still feel it.

Suicide is never an easy thing to get over. My family is strong, and I know we'll move forward...but are we too strong? Will we forget about the seriousness of the situation? Will we move too fast? Not talk about the real issues? Two steps forward is no good if you just take three steps back in the end.

We're about to go our separate ways in the next two weeks. Will we forget about the importance of each other when we part back to college and work?

All I can really have is hope, and faith. Faith in my family, and hope that we will be stronger than we were in the past.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Goodbye Mike Masella.

The truth is that I've been thinking about what to say on this matter for a long time. At times I've been almost tortured by the fact that I could push someone away who knew me so thoroughly, inside and out.

I've contemplated about who I truly am as a person. The actions, both good and bad that I have taken and where the road I've walked has led me.

I find that I am finally tranquil.

Today I heard these words and realized that sometimes the best thing for everyone is to just let go, and move on. I knew I would do it in my own time. I just didn't know how to say;

Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right, because we were never meant for do or die

I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better,
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Thinking about you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another, who doesn't always make you want to cry.

Please know that I love you so,
I loved you enough to let you go.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Only you can heal inside.

When it comes to love..I don't understand the greater part of how it works. When I look at someone like Michael, and try to understand how he can love me so unconditionally, so compassionately and with so much forgiveness it starts to make me tear up.

How can people exist that can love you so entirely? So unwaveringly?

I lump myself together with the masses of people who get overwhelmed and obsessed with too much of their own desires and goals to truly care for someone else. I know if there was a hell, I would end up there. I know that if sinners are separate from the rest, I am grouped with the sinners.

I have done horrible things in my life, without any care for the women, men and children I might
have hurt on the way.

I have not walked a righteous path. I blame no one for my actions.

But I do want to gain insight into why I am the way that I am. What is it that makes me decide to act the way that I do?

I used to think it was an overwhelming fear of death. I would concentrate endlessly on the fact that life is too short not to take risks. I never wanted to look back on my life and say "I wish I had done that."

..I'm getting to the point where life is too short to act the way I always have.

It's too short to lose the one person who puts all his faith into my heart.

I don't want to walk through life feeling like I'm a bad person. I don't want to feel so comfortable with the burning mass of sinners. The nightcrawlers. The wretched.

How do I attain absolution? Do I need absolution before I can begin walking a more righteous path or can I just start down that road today, right now at this moment?

What is certain is that I am tired of making mistakes. I am tired of hurting the one's I love the most. I don't want to sabotage the healthy relationships that I have.

I said I wanted a healthy relationship with a male who knows boundaries and loves me as a friend. Alex walked into my life and gave me that without asking for anything but my friendship in return. He's everything that Masella could never have been. He's everything that I need to satisfy myself, and he's not going anywhere.

I need to let myself be satisfied.

"Only you, can heal your life. Only you can heal inside."

Anathema gets right to the heart of the solution. Thank you to Lady A for showing be this song, for Alex for loving it as much as I do, and for whoever listens to it for taking the time.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

To the man who raped my friend..

I don't know who you are. I've only seen you maybe once, in passing, but the truth of the matter is that I don't think anyone really knows who you are. Only you. Only you really know what it was that propelled you to take advantage of my friend. Only you know if you've done it to other woman, weaker woman. Woman you find walking on the side of the road. Prostitutes who might have lost their way in life and can't find any other solution. Do you rape them too? Do you kill them? Are you this person? Is it possible that you could have just raped my friend by mistake? That this whole thing could really have been a misunderstanding on your part, a mistake in verbal cues that you thought you heard or felt? I really don't think so. I think you are one hundred percent the rapist you were with her in the bathroom stall.

When you went home and looked at your daughter, twenty three years old and the same age as my friend, did you think to yourself that somewhere a pervert like you might take advantage of her the way you did that night? I hope you did, and hope if you didn't that you do. I hope the thought that people like you might pray on your daughter creeps into your mind and haunts you uncontrollably until you can no longer stand it and are forced to some measure of insane reaction.

The things you said and did to my friend and inexcusable. You are a disgrace to your people, and more over to the human race. Your only saving grace, if there is any at all for you, is that my friend is strong beyond measure. She is intrepid and she will carry on. Sometime in the future she'll be able to live through a day without remembering how you used her up. How you broke down the barriers in her mind until she finally gave into you. A rapist of the highest caliber. If you are the lion on the savannah, I hope you don't see it coming when you fall into the stampede of zebras that will surely come your way. I hope your carcass is left to rot in the burning sun.

Life will find a way to return what you have done threefold, and while I am certain that I won't be there to see it when it happens, someone will. You. In those moments I hope you are forced to think about what you've done.

If nothing else, when the tail of Minos wraps itself around your body in hell and sends you past the lust ring straight to the bottom circle, the Malebolge, where the panderers and seducers like yourself suffer I hope you experience perpetual pain and fear for all of eternity.

Rot. You demon, in hell where you belong.
People like yourself deserve nothing less.

Monday, June 20, 2011

We should never let go.

A little less than a week ago, I was in the shower when I fainted. The next day I felt dizzy numerous times throughout the day. I thought sleep would help, but it didn't. I woke up to a spinning room, something I've never experienced before and hands down one of the most frightening things to ever happen to me.

I've never experienced vertigo the way I have this last week. I've never had to take Dramamine in order to keep food down. I thought I was dying.

I know I should have gone to the doctor, but I didn't. I don't have insurance, I'm only awake at night, and I was scared they would tell me I have a brain tumor.

The vertigo seems to have abated, as of now it's been two days vertigo free.

First I thought it might be my diet, but I take supplements everyday, and I always drink protein shakes. Now I'm thinking it was an inner ear infection that resolved itself.

Either way, it really made me think about how fragile life is.

It's important to hold on to those things that are the most precious to you.

"So take this heart of mine. You've taken it a hundred thousands times.
But this time, I'm going to take it with me." - Blue October

Monday, June 13, 2011

Laundry and a complete sense of self

Laundry is such a pain in the ass.

I'm trying to keep myself awake. I still have a lot to do before sleep finds me.

I've been feeling great lately. I've totally adjusted to the pescatarian diet, and I've actually been feeling well enough to exercise. Mike and I have been running three times a week, and I'm truly starting see the changes in my body. I'm getting leaner, stronger and my cardiovascular health is improving drastically.

I thought I would miss meat a lot more than I am. I actually feel better without it, I don't have any cravings at all. If anything, I have a taste for chicken tiki masala, but that's it.

“Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn. You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak! Bury an animal, and nothing happens but decay.”- George Bernard Shaw

The only regrets I have as of late are not spending enough time alone with myself and not getting out enough to do the things I plan to. I put a lot on my plate, so to speak, and only ever finish about 1/3 of it all. I would like to finish everything. It's a goal I'm setting for myself.

Some time this week I hope to make use of the new grill Mike and I bought at the world market. It's so cute, and I think grilling up some salmon and veggies lakeside will be such a nice treat for the both of us. We're really getting closer, if that's possible after 4 years. Running together is really helping. I see my future in his eyes and it feels so great.

I can smell the world in the air, and it smells fulfilling.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

When there's a burning in your heart..don't be alarmed.

Mike is on a camping trip with his father and cousins, and I am alone for the weekend.

It's Saturday, and my mother slept over last night. Partially because I'm ill, and partially because I don't know how to be alone. That is something I would like to work on tonight and tomorrow. Being comfortable being alone with myself. I'm detached from who I am and I would like to reconnect with myself.

I want to get a handle of the things I want out of life currently. Make a list of things I want to do this summer and goals I have for the immediate future.

I'm a little nervous to spend time with myself.

So many ways to experience life, and one of my favorite ways has always been through music. A band that has always helped me experience life this way is Death Cab for Cutie.

"When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Life goes on

I feel like I need to digitally blow the dust off this blog and sit down and actually write an update about my life.

I went to a party tonight, in honor of Kyle's graduation from college, and it was really nice talking with people I didn't know, making new friends and catching up with old ones. Like Eddie, I have haven't see him in a loooong time but we were able to pick up right where we left off, which I love. It was so nice to hear about his life, and that he still thinks about me. I know I think about him. There is something about our time together or the type of people we are that makes us just keeping coming back to each other, even when it's something as small as "I know we're both at this party and just talked for an hour, but how are you doing, need another drink?"

Joanne is going to be a great new friend, I can already tell, and it's going to be great to add yet another psychology major to the group. Her and Regina are going to be major collaborators for my career. Can't wait for that Sox's game.

All in all I think I did Mike proud tonight. I know I'm not too hard on the eyes, and that I'm easy going when it comes to conversation and I think most of his friends took to me well.

There was one particular part of the evening that I was happy to have happen. The first time I said my career choice out loud to a group of people. "So what do you do Ally?" "ah well, I'm in college working towards becoming a Sex Therapist." I got a couple eye brow raises and later a few people asked me some interesting questions, but I was so glad to have the courage to say it out loud.

I knew when I said it out loud those few months ago that it was the right fit for me, I know its something I'll be awesome at. When you know, you know. I guess that explains my obsession with obsession and my drive to know everything I can about sex, fetishes and the taboo taboos.

On that subject, if you haven't checked it out yet you can still read more about my own personal taboo journey by clicking here.

The Pescatarian diet is working out better than I could have hoped for, a bottle of Iron supplements and I won't have anymore worries. I know I'm not going to be the fat maid of honor, and it makes me feel good. Well it's either that or all the leafy green veggies. Something is definitely boosting my happiness lately.

Loving work, gearing up for classes and spending the extra money redecorating the apartment and saving for New Orleans. New friends coming in, lots of sites to see. Life is good and I can't complain.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I've got a lot to think about, oh yeah.

Tomorrow is a very important date for me. It will mark 6 months until New Orleans Halloween 2011. It means times to get into shape, time to start saving money, planning costumes and getting everything else in order.

What happened in the deep south recently with all those tornadoes and devastation weighs heavy on my heart, and I plan to make a donation to the AL red cross to do my part in helping these people rebuild.

I'm stepping out tomorrow as an individual on the way to a new life. Loyola starts August 1st, and for this and New Orleans I want to be the best me that I can be.

The two jobs are working out, and the increase in money is helping tremendously.

Also- only 3 more days until Blue October!!!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

This just in..

I have a netflix addiction.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Music is the poetry of the air..

Met with my boss today, picked up my hand held work computer, and had lunch while she walked me through a bunch of stuff. It all still seems a little foreign, but I'm sure I'll pick it up fast.

Tomorrow starts the first of the 10 day workout stretch. I'm a little nervous it's going to wear me out and wear me down, but I know that now is the time.

This will be good to help me prepare for the breast cancer walk I'm doing with my mother, closer to summer. It's only a 3 mile, but it still means a lot to me. I'm walking for my Aunt who is currently going through her second battle with breast cancer. My mother is walking to remember her friend Christine who died of cancer.

I have to do my taxes this weekend. I'm hoping to make a thing of it, me mike and my mom all around the table at my grandma's..that's how we did it last year. Maybe I'll take more of an active interest in learning what exactly I'm doing.

It also looks like I'll be visiting Anna in Michigan sometime in May. I'm really excited about that mini vacation and about spending quality time with some girls. It will be nice to not have to deal with boy drama...even though I never thought I'd have to put those two words together hahaha

All of a sudden I remembered this moment with Sam...we were sitting outside at grant park watching the Muse concert, they were singing starlight, and she helped me stand up off the slippery grass. It was raining lightly but went really well with the song.

I will never forget those three days. What fun it was and how young we were.

I think I want to go to Lollapalooza this year..wear cute dresses, sit on the grass..maybe smoke some as well..and just listen to the music. That sounds like a dream.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

The clock ticks down..

Samantha asked me last night over dinner at her apartment, to be her maid of honor. I can't even begin to describe how honored I am to be asked to stand up at her wedding. For the last 10 years I've been a witness to her life and her to mine. We've had ups and downs, like any friendship, but when I think about it, we've been mostly up and seldom down. The distance between us over the past year or so has been a good thing, and I think we've come out strong. It was good to be able to take a step back and be reminded that people change, and grow. I know she has, and I know I have, and I'm starting to really enjoy the people we've become.

This is one more reason why it is important to me to lose the weight. I want to be the version of myself that exists in my head when everyone sees me take that walk down the aisle as a maid of honor for one of the most important people in my life. I'm going to keep my hair long and my spirits high as I work toward my goals. I lost 10 pounds last month, which is a definite beginning. Another 10 this month will put me right on track.

I've been eating multiple small meals a day, 5 or 6, and I feel that this is really helping to keep my metabolism working and stop any excess food from becoming stored fat.

My cousin Jennifer, as well as Haley and a handful of other people have inspired me. If they can do this, so can I, if only I can stay focused. Stay focused Ally.

In the next couple days, Mike and I are going to check out gyms that are closer to the apartment to double my options of where and when I can work out. I want to start getting in 3 to 4 workouts a week.

Mike and I talked about doing a 10 day program that helps kick start your body, it's a workout a day for 10 days straight and it seems vigorous, but I can't imagine a better time to do it than this month, when I can devote the time and energy it is surely going to demand.

Starting this new job is a reminder that New Orleans is approaching and with the news of this third Witches Ball before Endless night, there is even more at stake. Rooming with Abby and Brad will be taking a lot of pressure off the money, and not having to support poor ass friends will be a load off as well, and an added bonus to costumes and souvenirs, but still my mind is starting it's freak-out mode.

How can I modify my old costume for the Anne Rice ball, and can I create a Steam Punk (Pirate) costume that will work for both the Witches ball and Endless night? What is Mike going to wear? Should we do a couples costume again for rock out our individuality? Perhaps the biggest question of all, what am I going to do with my hair and makeup?!

The clock is ticking down. Hopefully I can put some of these questions to ease on my birthday with Joe and Ecktor, both two people whom I would love to see down there with me this year, as well as Tommy again, especially if he's willing to drive again, no way we're flying.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

On your mark, set...

Almost finished with the on-boarding process of this job. Passed the drug test, now I just have to complete the physical, and then start making some money. Double what I'm making right now. I'm actually glad that this company has such a serious on-boarding process. (Even though they cut a chunk of hair out of my head.) I was thinking about it, and half of the people I know wouldn't be able to get past the drug test. Crazy.

I think my coat might come in the mail today. I'm so freaking excited about it. This is the beginning of changing my wardrobe. One piece at a time until I accomplish the look I'm moving towards.

Come August when I start Loyola, my goal is to be some seriously hot stuff. As long as I keep with the working out and making enough money this summer to change my style, I know I can get there. I will get there.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pausing to take stock

Okay. I had a good kick in the ass yesterday. The end of a friendship sincerely knocked me on my ass. Sometimes the people you think have your back are the ones who end up shoving you down the stairs. I'm here to say that I've pulled myself up and dusted myself off. I'm giving a heavy shrug and an "oh well" to this issue and moving forward.

Sometimes it's good to count your blessings.

Some of mine?

I have a handful of close relationships that mean the world to me and I'm learning to
cherish them more every day.

I landed two stellar jobs and start as a junior at an incredible private university in August.

I'm attractive to the opposite sex. Not a fat fuck on the road to a heart attack because everything I eat is either microwaved or from a fast food place.

I have a killer boyfriend who will stick with me through anything and let me come to him with any issue to work through. He loves me unconditionally, what more could I ask from him?

Yeah, when you look at it, it would appear I have pretty much everything a twenty something girl living in Chicago could possibly want or need.

And it keeps getting better.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Horse of a different color

Hopefully today will be a productive kind of day. I'd like to get my oil changed on my car, it's 2,000 miles overdue. I'd also really like to stop by Loyola to submit some paperwork for both Mike and I for the August semester.

I'm beating around the bush about the bigger issue here. Masella is done with me. I blew him out, so to speak. I do that from time to time. I make my friends hate me, I push them past their limit until they can't stand to be around me for one more second. It would seem I did that here.

I broke his heart. Led him on for way too long. Strung him along by a rope until he was finally able to cut through it and run in the opposite direction.

I do have one thing to say about this. Good for him.

I was toxic for him, and I'm happy he has finally been able to detach himself from me. I think it will ultimately be for the best. Our breakup (almost 5 years ago) was horrible. I played the "its just not the right time for us" card, and I think it led him to believe that one day I would change my mind about who I wanted to be, and be with. That was so disgustingly wrong on my part that I'm sick just typing the words.

The thing is, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of horrible things I've done and said to him to twist his brain around to believing that one day I would change my mind.

I should have treated him like an ex from the second I walked away from the relationship, not as a friend. Even if that's what he's been to me the entire time. A best friend that I leaned on constantly.

What have I learned from this? A lot I think, don't fuck with peoples emotions. Don't play around and blur the lines between friendship and love. Give back patience, time and attention to my friends. Keep up certain boundaries with the opposite sex.

All right..hopefully the bored readers have excused themselves from this boringness and therefore will not be partaking of my next section of news.

I have made a new blog dedicated to my sexual relationship with Michael. Why you ask? It's kind of a long and hard story. Shorthand: I am a masochist. Have been one my entire life. I'm quite interested in exploring where this will take me and Michael now that he's agreed to give it a try. Don't get any big ideas people, we're moving slow and starting off easy. For the sake of art though, I have created a place to get the most erotic moments of this down on "paper" so to speak, in case I need the "footage" for a story or script later on. You can flow through to my blog of the accounts here.

That's all I have in terms of updates for this week. I still have 13 pounds to lose by my birthday, but I did buy the tickets, so it's certain that Michael and I will be celebrating in style with my true love, Justin of Blue October! Hopefully I'll fit into my, hot as hell, Goth plaid pink dress by then.

Friday, March 18, 2011

A word to the wise

After the Northwestern demonstration and my growing mistrust and loathing of the media, I started asking myself a lot of questions about how I feel about sex. Sex and relationships, different types of sex, sex toys and anything else having to do with intimacy.

I fell into a black hole of thought, each thought pulling me deeper into myself to explore other questions. Some people aren't liking the answers I'm coming up with to these questions. Some people are not comfortable with the person I'm choosing to become, and here's what I want to say; this is my journey not yours. Stop making be feel like there is a right and wrong answer to everything in life.

There are so many innate truths i've been hiding myself from for so long, and I don't want to do it anymore. I won't pretend that working myself to death and killing all thought and desire makes me "who I really am" I won't pretend that I am this way because I have "too much time on my hands"...and trying to force me to do that is just wrong.

I'm me, and it's dark. I'm me and it's freaky and kinky and wild.

Deal with it, like I have to.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Morning Report..

There isn't too much going with me this week. Nothing too much on my mind or anything like that. I'm concentrating hard on losing the weight through dieting. I plan to start up the gym hard on Tuesday. Almost two weeks on the diet has helped me acclimate, so I should be able to handle the workout.

I've lost 8 pounds so far, with another 12-15 to go because April 18th, and who knows, maybe I can be under 190 before May 4th and the Blue October concert, that would be awesome.

Samantha came for a visit a couple days ago, and it was really fun. I made us salmon and salad, and everyone seemed to like it a lot. We just talked about everything. She looks great and it made me feel great to spend some time with her. I can't wait to see her apartment and everything.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Northwestern Human Sexuality

A number of days ago, Northwestern University held a live discussion in their Human Sexuality class. Two people from the BDSM community were invited into the classroom to speak about their experiences. The discussion took an interesting turn when the speakers decided to do a live demonstration in order to demonstrate to the class that A) female orgasms are possible and B) that for some members of the BDSM community, unconventional sex acts are the only way they can come to orgasm.

The media has completely blown up this story, and NW has responded by claiming that what happened in this classroom was wrong. There is an investigation being done and the teacher might lose his job.

I find these reactions absolutely ridiculous. America is freaking out because students in a human sexuality class learned about human sexuality? Many of the students in the class will go on to become sex therapists and marriage counselors, and need to learn everything they can about different sexual aspects of life.

Students in the class were warned several times that it was going to be a graphic demonstration and that it was optional to attend. So with numerous warnings and the freedom to opt out of seeing something you might not want to how can we figure that there was anything wrong happening?

In my human sexuality class, at a community college, we watched numerous "porn" videos in order to learn and discuss different aspects of sexuality. At one point we watched woman inserted into violent contraptions that caused pain to their heads, their arms, and legs (I'm talking about contraptions so foul they resembled something out of the movie SAW) and then be stimulated vaginally. As a psychology major and member of the psychological community I'm not understanding how that was acceptable, but this demonstration at NW isn't? Please. Students at University have been studying theses things for years.

If this professor loses his job or the way we study human sexuality is regulated in anyway because America is full of uptight and prude parents who can't handle their children learning about the real aspects of sex and how it applies to society I am going to lose my temper. I am going to protest. The freedom to learn is the most important thing to me as a student, and to have that freedom put down or regulated in anyway would be a breaking point for me. It will not stand.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

A clothing eulogy of nostalgic times..

Recently I've been working hard to become focused on weight loss and a healthy diet. I am trying to change a huge aspect of my life, and one that change does not come to easily. Years of over-eating, stress eating and putting on the pounds are hard to undo in a matter of months, and I understand it's going to take time.

Last year I wanted nothing more than to drop weight for my trip to New Orleans, and it was crushing to only making 25% of my goal, but I took it, and was thankful it was better than nothing. This year is different. I will not stand for less than reaching my goal before New Orleans. I am determined to shape myself into the person I know I am on the inside in the next coming months.

Part of being ready and dedicated to change is being able to let go of the past, so in a small way (well...large way to me, but small in the midst of it all) I started to put the past behind myself yesterday by going through my wardrobe and donating clothing that is too old or not in style with my personality anymore. It was hard, I won't lie. I donated pieces of clothing that I've been holding onto for upwards of 5 years. Even those pieces you keep because you say "One day I'll fit into this again", I donated those too.

It was liberating when I put the two garbage bags full of clothing into the trunk of my car, and then dropped them off to be donated. Saying goodbye to the past and taking a step towards finding my center feels good, it feels right.So in remembrance of those articles of clothing that symbolized landmark events in my life, I have created this post to give them a proper burial, if you will.

This first outfit is one that I purchased and wore over seas in London and Scotland. I remember wearing the green pants on my first trip on the "underground" (their public transportation system, like our L) when we visited the Hard Rock Cafe. The shirt I purchased at a gift shop by the river Thames. The inside of the letting shows pictures of different places of interest in London, like the second N with the "London eye". I wore this outfit all through my first year of college and eventually become to heavy to wear the pants, which aren't really in style anymore, and the shirt picked up stains here and there, one of which was a big white paint stain from technical theater. RIP London outfit, and thanks for the good times.

The second outfit is comprised to two pieces I wouldn't normally wear together. The top is one that I wore during high school, almost a decade ago. The buttons down the front seem to go on forever, and I used to wear it on dates and during numerous plays. The skirt I borrowed from my good friend Jessica and then later negotiated keeping. I wore it during Speech and Performance competitions and later to job interviews and work at Hickory farms. Both pieces still fit me today, but the memories have actually gotten too painful to continue wearing either.

These last shirts all mark milestones in my life. My unhappy shirt goes straight back to my "goth" days before even high school. I remember wearing it around Eddie (My first boyfriend) and to family parties as well. Also as a farewell shirt every time I would leave from another trip to GA. I loved and hated this shirt at the same time. The "Fall Out Boy" shirt I bought at my first concert (I know FOB was my first concert, eeeewww) which coincidentally was the first time I realized I had feelings for Michael. I believed we all were able to go to that concert because Brett scored extra tickets and then had an emergency or something and couldn't go. I got to hold Mike's had at one point, and boy did he look HOT in his blue and white leather jacket, even if he was more interested in Kaleen that night.

The black shirt with the buttons down the side goes back to freshman year. I don't fit in it anymore, which drives me crazy. I wore that shirt during a play I helped outside of school called "Dog Brain" and then later on dates in Chicago. I never once felt unattractive in it, and letting it go was really hard because in a way it felt like admitting that I'm not anymore. Finally, the green shirt with the skyline on it that says "death cab for cutie" I wore on my 18th birthday party which I held at a hookah bar. Samantha, Mike, and Mike, Peter, Joe, Becca, Anna, Riebana and John were all there that night. It was one of the last times that group of people would ever be all together again. It's really tattered now, but will always remind me of fun times.

It feels good to let go of these items and move on towards the future. I wonder what memories my new wardrobe will bring. I wonder what items I'll pick to represent who I am. Let me give one final RIP to all my outfits. I wore them well, I wore them out, and I'm ready to say goodbye to them all.

Now, onward to better things, more stylish articles of clothing that fit me properly and show off the weight that I've lost and will continue to lose!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Bye Bye Fat-Ass!

My entire life food has been an addiction. Being Italian hasn't helped at all, but when your really get down to the point, it's no one's fault but my own that I am the way I am.

It is my intention to make a change to that. Today. My birth is a bit less than two months away. I want to be at LEAST 20 pounds lighter by then.

I have stocked my fridge with 3 different types of fish. I'm making chicken and spinach for dinner tonight. Eating fish for the day two times a week, chicken three days and beef/pork/lamb to make up the difference. Doing low carbohydrates as well, and working out three days a week.

I think this is the trick, because this is what I haven't been doing on a regular basis for the last 4 months.

I also intend to use this now as a place to record my pain, frustration, happiness, diet choices and the like as I attempt to drop this weight.

After the first 20 pounds I'm going to re-evaluate and go for another 20, hopefully before October. Wish me luck, I'm sure that I'm going to need it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Living my own fairy tale..

For anyone who doesn't already know, Mike works nights. Sometimes there are weeks in a row where he's at work during the night, and I have to choose to either not sleep, or sleep alone. It's never easy, because there really is nothing like sleeping next him.

A lot of the time I choose to watch sappy romance movies in order to feel closer to him. Anything goes, from "The notebook" to "P.S I love you" the result of which is always me crying in my apartment alone, missing him.

It might seem completely ridiculous or pathetic to you, but that's just me. My story is just as deep and affectionate as any movie I could watch, but it has the added bonus of being mine oh mine.

There was this early summer evening years ago where Mike and I stumbled upon a stage in the middle of grant park. It was a big black stage that some sort of band must have been using earlier that day or something. We had it all to ourselves, and we sat there and interviewed each other. It was a moment where I found myself losing track of time, all I wanted to do was be with him.

All I ever want is to appreciate being with him. Sometimes we're together and don't say anything at all, sometimes we can't stop talking. I wish we would talk more currently, I know we have the same goals and dreams...it would be nicer if we could work together to achieve them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Starting over..

I'm on my new laptop, a present from mike for valentines day. Having technology under my finger tips has inspired me to make some changes to my blog, so I hope you like what I ended up with.

A week or so ago, my uncle had a heart attack. It effected me more than I thought it would, and it has really motivated me to get my own stuff together. When the hospital analyzed his blockage they said that it was caused from smoking.

He's doing okay, you can tell in his voice that he's been effected by the experience. I think as the days go on it continues to become a reality to him that he almost died and that nothing will be the same from now on.

I don't want to lose anyone in my life, but losing my uncle would be one of the worst things that could happen. He's like an ocean liner, if he went down he'd take a lot of people with him. My mother for one, and grandmother, his girls and his ex wives. We would all be lost in the water, drowning and cold...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Taking a break from cleaning my apartment to share some thoughts. I wish energy was something that came natural to me, but it seems like more and more I have to will myself out of bed or off of the sofa in order to get anything done.

I've been following a video blogger that mike turned me onto, and it's made me think about my life a lot more. She's so funny, quirky and interesting. I wish people saw me the way she is seen. I supposed you have to be a bit more put together than I am for that to happen though.

I feel like if I could just actualize my self image, life would fall into line with what I picture a lot more easily. Is that wishful thinking, I don't know, but I don't want to live my entire life striving to achieve something and never actually get there. On my wedding day will I still way over 2oo pounds and have to compromise on looking and feeling the way that I thought I would?

I think this applies to everything in my life. Will I compromise on the house I want to live in, the job I want to do, the people I want to make friends with, the sites I want to see?

I know it all starts with me, with some tiny light inside of myself that needs to shine brightly and burn strongly in order to propel me in the direction I want to go, but I can't help feeling that my light is sputtering, and perhaps at times not burning at all.

How do I motivate myself? How do I hold onto the things that I have and move toward the things that I want?

I don't want to fail myself, and I don't want to fail Mike, and I feel like I am. I can see it there in his eyes..a loss of something that used to be there before, and it makes me feel sick. How could this person who used to be so taken with me look at me the way he does now.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

My art history teacher drives me crazy. She laughs. In the middle of her sentence it's like all of a sudden she decided what she's saying is funny, and she laughs through the rest of whatever she was saying. It pisses me off like none other. Why are the great artists of the past funny? Why are beautiful works of art, be it christian or biblical, funny? Oh.Wait. They AREN'T.

We should be in awe of these great works. We should have passion and be compelled to discuss them further, burst into tears while looking at them, but don't laugh. Please...

Yoga has been good. My teacher said i'm hyperflexable...awesome...as a woman..hearing that was really great.

I'm feeling less depressed. Getting up and moving around has helped a lot. I feel like I have a date with happiness, this saturday Alex is driving down and we're going to the interpol show...and I'm just hoping I can get my apartment clean and my mood up in time. Stock the house with a bit of food too maybe..rustle up some money for a drink or two at the show.

I miss you. I wish you were here to see a movie with me or eat food. I wish I could talk with you in person. It's funny because people spend so much of their time talking looking into the middle distance or out a window or something...we don't make eye contact enough.

Mike and I are going to have asian helper for dinner, and then I have work. Hopefully I can get a nap in before then...also a workout after yoga. Still having the weird dreams. Hmm..maybe I should start a dream journal...

Friday, February 04, 2011

I'm overdue, but I want to make this short and sweet.

There's a blizzard on, and i'm sick.

sweet, and short.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I messed up my shoulder at the gym. I saw the number on the scale and freaked, then over worked myself to try to compensate, but the truth of the matter is that you don't achieve changed quickly. True change takes time and effort, almost as much if not more than the effort you put in to get where you currently are.

It's about self discipline, of which I know almost nothing. I hate that about myself. Why is it that I always take more than I should because I know there will be more? I eat until I'm full, I spend money that I don't have, I sleep more than I need ect ect.

I want to try to have more focus, be more disciplined and shoot myself like an arrow at the target of things that I want.

I wish I could be more beneficial in my relationship with Mike. I wish I made more money and had more energy. Is it a bad sign that we haven't had sex in a month? Why aren't we more intimate with each other? How much of not being intimate has to do with the fact that I hate my body? Again. Does he hate his? Mine?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I felt fat, like really fat. At the gym I found out that I gained 5 more pounds instead of losing anything. I hated myself. My face got all ready during my work out. I don't know how I let it get this bad or why I let myself go this much. I want to get it back, I want to get my appetite under control.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm a stress eater for sure. I feel like I have this addiction and it's slowly killing my body. I don't want to be this way. I want to be fit.

In other terrible news I found out today that my building was sold to people who don't even live in the area. Grrreat. Things are going to be changing and this place i've been so lucky to live in might just go to pot.

I'm walking a tight rope here, I don't know how long I can keep going before I slip. No wonder I want to sleep it all away so badly.

The best part of my day, if there was one is when I listened to the waves of the pacific ocean during yoga and did some deep downward facing dog poses. That or the gym with Lauren where I hopefully worked off some of the major deposits I've been putting in my fatass account lately.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pizza/pasta/tacos this weekend.

I guess i've just become a lot more depressed since a certain someone moved away from me, and Joe won't talk to me for more than 3 mins at a time.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

well, the first day of classes went well, but my schedule is all messed up now.

I woke up at 5:30am this morning...I don't know how i'm going to stay up all night. Drugs, probably, and good music.

I'm doing laundry and watching the bears game right now (it's a massacre so far) and then I have to do my mother's hair before going home. I'm hoping I can take a shower and whatnot before work.

My dreams have been odd as of late..lots of zombie apocalypse and sex going on, I like it better when I sleep during the day. It has been nice to see the sun though.

I feel like I'm falling back into step with the person I see in my mind, the one I want to be in real life. If I could continue losing weight that would be great.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I started classes today, looks like every Tuesday and Thursday will mean getting up early to be at class at 8am. Early meaning 6am. I asked my boss not to schedule me on Monday's and Wednesday's, so that I can get to sleep early, but what I forgot was that I might have to suffer working on a day I went to class. I don't know what that's going to feel like.

Classes were okay, my art history is at 8am..we're studying med-evil to modern art and I'm hoping to gain enough of an understanding to purchase some nice painting for the apartment. My yoga class is okay, its very full, but i'm sure some people will drop out, and it's also not what i'm used to, it being Hatha yoga, and me having an Kundalini base...I hope I can appreciate it for what it has to offer...that class is at 11am

..after yoga I pick up Lauren from her house and make the trip over to the gym. Its nice to have someone to work out with, and it's nice to have the time set aside simply for working out. I hope that if I go regularly during the semester, at the end i'll be in better shape. I don't know if two days a week is enough. Maybe i'll try to go on sundays too.

I was supposed to have dinner with brett yesterday, but missed it because I was sleeping. I feel terrible about that.

Tonight Mike and I are going with his brother Nick and Debbie to go see the premiere of an live action Anime movie called Gantz...I hope it's good. Then on the way home Mike and I are going to stop into Late Bar to supposed this month's VSC...

I hope it isn't too cold tonight...NPR said it could hit -25...and as i'm finishing up this blog I can already feel the temperature dropping outside.

I'm missing a certain someone, and when I passed their street off of Mannheim I had to remind myself that I couldn't just pick them up for lunch if I felt like it, because they're in stupid Bloomington.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Moving forward..

I had a good night tonight. I went out with mike and two of his friends. Got some pizza, went to a bar and had some drinks. It was good, and I enjoyed myself, but I realized something when the night was coming to a close.

Things are beginning to shift a bit for mike and I, the rhythm of hanging out with my friends and doing things is shifting to hanging out with his friends. I'm happy for him that this is happening, because for a long time he's needed the company of the people he wanted to be close with, and after a long time it's finally happening.

But I'm sad for myself too, because it seems that the people I thought meant something to my life are all going in different directions. Samantha is long gone, she doesn't text or call, she has a new husband and a new life, and it's never occured to her to come back to see whats up, or call when she's in town or answer my phone calls.

..and now Masella is leaving? How am I going to deal with that? The one person I counted on to be there when I needed them isn't going to be there. I know it's something that's been a long time coming. Don't put your stock into a single man who has feelings for you right? They're eventually going to move on. Even though I knew it couldn't last forever, I'm scared for what the future is going to bring. He's the guy that understood my quirks when even my other friends didn't. He's the one who knew my dark side and liked it, wouldn't mind letting me cry or talk a mile a minute or laugh hysterically or be incredibly pissed off. He let me be myself around him.

Who the fuck am I going to be able to show myself to now?

Joe? Lauren? Someone I haven't met?

What friends do the future hold for me? Will people not like what they see in me? Was Masella too forgiving? Too tolerant? Too loving?

Am I ready for the world?

I'm not ready to lose the one friend that ever gave a damn, even if it was because he was in love with me. What does it mean that he doesn't find it the least bit hard to get up and go? That he's wanted for so long to run in the other direction?

I don't know where I go from here, and as the door is closing on this chapter of my life I can't help but feel like I'm alone in a dark room...all those monsters under the bed are now starting to creep out and all the demons I stuffed in the closet are trying to get free.