Friday, October 24, 2008

Boyfriends Bread winners and starting wives.

I've been thinking on my best friend lately. I didn't really realize how much i'm thinking about her until I didn't need to do it anymore. I worry about her all the time, about her happiness, her sanity, and just...her overall well being I guess. I love my Samantha very much..and this past month or two has been a couple hard ones. I can't believe that James would just walk out of her life without blinking an eye.

The worst is that I feel like I could have..should have..done more. I saw the warning signs. He came to me a couple times and told me how frustrated he was..and looking back on it all I shouldn't have tried to talk him down myself, I shouldn't have agreed with him so much, I should have just confronted Samantha about it, but I was angry and upset and scared for her..and I didn't think about what could happen.

I think that everything we go through in life leads us down a road that we are either ultimately happy with, or not. It's so interesting to me that you could look back at times and say to youself "I'm happy for all the shitty things that happened to me, because they brought me to you." But..other times you look back and you're just depressed about where you are now. Is that a paradox? Why are we so accepting of the bad things when were at a happy time and place in our lives? Why doesn't my life work like that? It never really matters where I am or what i'm doing, I always long to return to the points of my life that happened before. I feel as though if I could rewind my life back to a point and live it up to the present again, the exact same way I would take that as soon as I could, because getting here was half the fun. Maybe I was just lucky in life. I love all of the people that i've met so far. I love all the men, all the women, all the elders and vampires, and teachers and books and movies and sports. I would love to do it all again.

Why is that?

I would do anything for Samantha, and i'm really proud of myself for not ranting about this earlier, because I knew that would have ultimately shown that I truely wasn't okay with what was happening, but now that it's all wrapped up I feel safe to talk about my past emotions during the situation...How could she even consider dating Steve? I thought there was some kind of law that you don't date your best friend's ex boyfriend? Are there limits to that law? Is it that there has to be an offical title of -boyfriend- on it? How would she have felt if I wanted to date her Cesar? I just...I don't know how I feel about the whole thing that happened. I think that I forgive her, I think that she must have really been very lonely to have thought about it..I hope that she was anyway. I hope in my heart that she wouldn't backstab me like that..I mean..there were nights where I had to tell myself that there are worse things that could happen then her sleeping with steve......her sleeping with Brett. I couldn't handle all. I think I would have seriously flipped a lid if it had been Brett in Steves place. Which I guess is a good sign. It means that Steve doesn't really mean anything to me other then the past memories I have of him in my mind, and I know now that people change..The people I still know from highschool are very different people now. Steve just changed from who is more quickly then the other people I know..

I know that it probably came out as one big rant on the subject..but in the end, if they really had hit it off and fallen in love with each other, I would have sucked it up , not without some seriously crying and soul searching, but in the end, I think I would have been okay.

Does that count as Karma hitting me in the ass? Is the Karma just back building? Was there a crisis averted? Will my boyfriend break up with me tomorrow for the sake of balance?

I guess we'll have to wait and see..

Cosmetology school blows so much ass. I will cry seriously happy tears when it's all over. This is what prison feels like. I want to put out there into the universe...please universe..if there is a single human being like me in the world, please send them to cosmetology school and please send them to MY cosmetology school to help push me through the rest of my hell.