Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sausage Egg Mcmuffin..

Why does my family call them sausage egg mcmuffins when we get them from Burger King?
I don't feel as tired as I have. I'm sure tech isn't going to make it any easier for me.

Eddie and I ..are nervous. *Smiles*

God damn periods.

Brett tore up the script. Then he put it back together.

I just got this image of Eddie and I riding somewhere in his hunter green jensen. Yes. As soon as he finishes it.
Those feelings, of unattractiveness, and icky-blahness...are fading away, because my boyfriend is fucking awesome at making me feel better, when he tries, and he does try.

He's going to have a good last week. I am going to be considerate.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

...My addictive

I'm exhausted.

I was thinking..about how I'm working so much..for eddie and myself..

...I hope he appreciates me.

...Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door...

I'm pissed.

"I'm just a girl, just a person, just a human-being trying to live. I think it's ridiculous when people try to make my life harder than it already is, and I try my hardest not to make anyone else's life harder than theirs already is."

..Ridiculous was the perfect word.

I have to work tomorrow, to pay for the plane ticket that will take me to the man who is currently taking care of his two -very- drunk bestfriends. What a good guy.

Almost one am..

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

...God bless the daylight, and the sugary smell of spring-time...

When every thursday
I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.

You hold me closer than anyone will ever get.

The tulips have bloomed. They're everywhere. Nothing but tulips, everywhere. I love them.

Sometimes i'm stupid. Sometimes I'm wasteful. Sometimes i'm ingnorant and stubborn and selfish and sometimes i'm a lot of things. Please remember that that's why you love me.

Our script, is becoming Brett's script.
Brett is becoming nothing more best an acquantience type of way..

I don't know where i'm going, and at the same time I know exactly where i'm going.
College theatre wouldn't put up with my bullshit.
I'm so thankful for Chris. I'm not sorry I pushed my way to Assistant Stage Manager. No one else was willing to fight me for it, is that my fault?

I don't have school tomorrow.

...Over all i'm happy....i'm content...i'm ...okay.

Just in time for my period, which should be here anyday now..

Sunday, April 23, 2006

...You own the place, where all my thoughts go hideing...

Because of you, I'm running out of reasons to cry.

Feelings fade away..I've fallen in and out of love with a lot of people in a short time. One feeling has stayed though, the one I have for you. Your my boyfriend. Your my boyfriend. Your -my- boyfriend.

I love you, and I can hardly wait. For May, For June, and finally, For August.

...God I can't wait for August.

I love you.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Someone sedate me.

*breathes heavy* (No, i'm seriously breathing heavy)

I can't stop. I have way to many freaking friends, I don't know where they all came from.

Where did you all come from?
So i'm pretty much just enjoying my life right now.

Excuse me I gotta go enjoy it.

I just wish there was more time in my day for sleep

Thursday, April 20, 2006

...Please don't make me cry...

Oh you humor me today,calling me out to play...
Please don't make me cry, Please don't make me cry.
I'm just like you, I know you know, I'm just like you....
....So leave me alone....

Why do I want what I can't have?

...Well that's easy. Because I can't have it.

"I love him."
"Eddie. You love Eddie. Eddie."
"Good, that's what I thought you meant."
"I love you too.."

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Freeze Frame.

So you guys probably noticed the "story-like" memory I wrote about the first night Eddie and I spent at his new house..

I have these memories that are perfectly clear in my mind, and so..i'm writing them down..for whenever you see a blog entitled "freeze frame" there you'll be something like that.

So..without further ado..(because I know your all DYING to know what the inside of my brain looks like)

A crowded room outside of a theatre. The girl stands next to who she thinks is her closest friend, talking about things that had happened earlier that day. Someone over hears a word in their conversation. “Witchcraft”. A new conversation is started, people are introduced, glances are exchanged. A new girl, with long blonde hair, and blue eyes joins the conversation. The room is quickly becoming more and more crowded. The smell of coffee from a thermos in the corner of the room drifts about, and the cold wind from the Chicago streets outside floods in whenever someone new enters. The blonde-haired girl is being examined, interviewed, perhaps even studied by the other two. The moment in time will be quickly forgotten as soon as the theatre doors are opened, but it will forever mark the moment in time where I met who I would later call, the best friend I have ever known.

...My heart's a battle ground...

...and you hold your ground better than anyone else.

It's right that I should be working on Easter.
I'd rather work.

On tuesday I can buy Brett cigarette's. I might have one myself, just because.
I might have one today..i've been stressed out lately.

Why do people make the world so much harder than it already is..I dislike those people. That's all I have to say about that.

Theres no beanie baby pug....

This has been kinda random..*shrug* oh well.

Friday, April 14, 2006

...single frames forever frozen in the 3d Imax of my mind...

Its night, the darkness is laid over the area softly as if it were a blanket. The air is cool, with just a hint of crisp, and it’s clear like you’ve never imagined. There is no presence of smoke or chemicals, just grass and sky and, night.A girl walks quietly with her bag to the door of the house; she glances upwards but keeps walking. If she were to stop she would be frozen, staring wide-eyed at the amazing stars above her. She climbs the stairs and enters the house. It’s dark, soft, quiet, and new. A hand holds hers in the darkness and leads her to a room. The bags are put down and the light is turned on. The room is warm. The bed in the corner is familiar, and the girl walks over to it and sits down. Immediately she feels comfortable, safe and happy. Although she is in a room she’s never seen, she is home. She looks around at the room, and tries her hardest to take it all in, the paint, the chair, the closet, the bathroom- he’s looking at her. Nervous. She looks away. The light is turned off and she’s lying on the bed. His arms embrace her and she is overcome with emotion that expresses itself in a slight tremble that can be felt by the man on top of her. The tremble slowly fades away as he continues to hold her. He runs his hands down her arms, and then he kisses her. The emotion rises, becomes unbearable, and a drop quietly falls from her eye in the darkness, followed by a slow stream of tears.
A content-ness you could never imagine. A love you have never felt. A moment I had waited for, for months. I cried in that darkness, silently. You never knew. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. No one makes me feel the way you do. I have never felt as fully loved as I did in those moments.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

A random thought

...I'm living in a world surrounded by lines..and i'm crossing a lot...i'm standing on a lot...i'm..surrounded by ...lines..

and i'm not sure if I'm worried about what's on the other side..

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

...I'm tired..

I feel like i'm living my life in 5 min incraments..everytime my alarm clock went off this morning a different thought passed through my head..

I wish he would remember that I have the same fears about comming there that he does. I wish I could share my fears and worries and everything with him..but I can wait..

Waiting will probably do me good anyway..

...I just wish I didn't feel like he ..wasn't my boyfriend.

Because I miss my boyfriend.

Monday, April 10, 2006

...Sometimes the system goes on the fringe and the whole thing just turns out wrong...

Mood: contemplative
Music: Bad day by: Daniel Powter

Someone told me today that i'm a good person, and that there are people out there who love me. Someone told me that there are people who will love me that I might not know right now.

Good advice from someone who wouldn't let go of my hand. I probably would have started crying if they had. At that moment, where I would have definately lost it if they'd let go, they squeezed harder.

Thank you.

Someone else didn't say anything, they just drove, and played Tenacious D, and that was enough. They didn't have to drive around the town fifteen times while I just looked out the window and thought, but they did. They didn't have to offer me cookies, but they did.

Thank you.

There are so many people in my life that go above and beyond what I deserve of them.

Whelp. I never was a patient person, but I don't really have a choice here.
I'm just waiting, maybe for the end of what should be.... the beginning.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

...I've got troubles Lord, but not today, because they're gonna wash away..

Melissa spilled orange juice on my pants at breakfast today. We were driving home and I thought to myself "It's a good thing I didn't wear my pajama pants"..then I realized that if I HAD worn my PJ pants we would have left my house earlier and gotten to the restaurant earlier and ..she probably wouldn't have made that hand motion that knocked over the glass because of where we would have been in our conversation...

So..then I started thinking about how everything that happens to me is by whole life could be different if I hadn't done one little thing..and that little thing could be anything...

Now i'm afraid that i'll do little thing..that will forever change my destiny..

"You know, it's actually amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic"

Where is my control? It could all be over...and I have no control ..

Saturday, April 08, 2006

...I hope I know when the time is right..

Why aren't the tears actually falling? They're just there, behind my eyes, making me constantly aware of the fact that I hardly have control over the emotions my body is feeling.

Yay for writing a whole entry and then erasing it because of a split-second decision!

I don't know what to say that wont make it sound like i'm blameing him or myself and ...we ..promised that we wouldn't place blame are the facts;

I'm not happy. I think I might be able to find someone who treats me..better.
I want to be treated better. I deserve to be treated better.

...I want it to be -him- who is doing the better treating..

...But maybe that just isn't possible.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

...This has been said so many times that i'm not sure if it matters...

If you really loved me then, if even for a brief moment, you'd be able to see through my eyes.

..Maybe we never stood a chance, and i'm not sure if it matters..

...Even though your so close to me, your still so distant, and I can't bring you back...

Stop hurting me. Just stop.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

...I set my thoughts to far off destinations...

Mood: Okay
Music: Death cab for cutie: When soul meets body they my have a chance, of finding a place where they're far more suited than here..

I hung out with my friends today, we took pictures with my left over film, and built walls for the set of the show in a month. We laughed, and if felt good..laughing..and hiccuping and burping, and laughing and eating..we ate at denny's..myself, Emily C, Jessica and September.

They're all great.

Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.

I walked into school today, and the first person I saw was Brett, I almost ran into him and without missing a beat he goes "Loser" ...I had a good day...we sat next to each other during the assembly and talked the whole made me feel good..

I wrote a letter today, and maybe I shouldn't have written it..but I need something..and maybe it is because of my period, I don't know..but I'm hopeing that i'll find it..whatever it is..

I was listening to this song..and it made me think of Ed..

..I do believe it's true, that there are road left for both of our shoes..but if this silence takes you than I hope it takes me too..

Monday, April 03, 2006

..I'm unhappy

I dont remember the last time I was this's engulfed me. ...probably not good to wallow in this emotion for too long.. ....but it's raining.. ...I don't want to be here. I miss you eddie.

*starts crying* it's funny...when I type eddie I have a very clear picture of him..and everything that encompasses him...

I wonder how long i'll feel like this.


This afternoon everything smelt like the bakery down the street..I can't get the smell of cookies out of my nose.

I had an overall good day I..guess...

I was bored most of it, but I got a whole 2 seconds in the flexed arm hang..and I ate at lunch..and I read more of my book..and I got to see Mike, and Melissa..and Brett..even though were doing that "i'm not gonna look at you until you look at me" thing..I fell asleep in study hall..I had a mark on my face when I woke up...

underneath all of it...I'm sad

I woke up this morning, and I sat up in my bed for like 10 mins with an ache in my chest that wouldn't go away..there was not thought in my head..except for "how the hell am I gonna do this?" the hell am I gonna do this?

,,,very slowly.