Thursday, March 30, 2006

Umm..Thursday..I think?

I don't know why I don't know what day it is..I have a horrible awareness that I leave in two days..

I really don't want to go home..

But I kinda do. I want to stay..but I want to stay in my own room, in Eagle Village..with my own friends, and my own classes..

and yeah..

I think I made my decision...I don't know what changed my mind, I don't know how I realized it..There wasn't a moment where I just "knew"....

wait.....*looks around*....this is that moment. I just ...know..

This is where I belong.

This is where I can, my life.. it's just up to Eddie..Dammit why did I have to decide first..

It feels*sigh*

....I hope everything works itself out..I hope I don't get home and go "well shit" I hope everything goes perfect..I hope...I hope I can keep this awesome feeling of goodness..

...I just hope.

I went to an interior design class with jenny, I had so much fun, she is so nice..she really is a good friend. Were both kinda selfish..but we have a lot in common, like our love lives, and our horny-ness and the fact that we don't really care what other people think...but do...and other stuff..she's great. It's too bad she's not gonna be here next year..i'll cry...

My Eddie's been great..I don't even mind the farting anymore.

Tomorrow we leave for his house..has this really been a week? Oh my god..

In a few mins i'm leaving to meet eddie at lake-side for lunch..

...why is everything so perfect?

...oh man.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


I am having a good day.

I decided I like lake-side (it's a cafeteria) better than landrom. The water is awesome to look at while you eat (it's by a lake) and the food, though not as good as landrom as most people say, is in my opinion better.

I like it here, a lot.

Last night I cried so hard, it was bad. I had a migrane and Carla wouldn't stop screaming, it was like 2:30 in the morning. The screaming wasn't annoying through any fault of her own, but it was just my not wanting to hear someone reach an un-godly high pitch (omg i've never heard anyone scream so loud in my life..and I baby-sit TWINS) at that late at night. I had this horrible migrane..and I was a bad experience. Please don't misunderstand what happened, I wasn't upset with her or anything..I just..couldn't handle the loud noise. I went outside and just cried it off..a police officer asked me if I was okay (awesome that they have security) and it was fine..eventually.

The heart to heart I was scared of having with eddie went a billion times worse then I wanted it to. I didn't word my thoughts the right way, I ended up looking weak..feeling weak..and the worst part is I hurt him..which wasn't my intention..

...and all of this was made worse because it was almost 3 am..

I want to touch him, kiss him, make him understand how sorry I am for hurting him..but I have to wait..

I think I might take a nap.

I give this day an A+ so far. *smile* and tomorrow looks bright as well..

Monday, March 27, 2006

Monday's events

I've decided the only way to be able to make a final decision is if I document every thought least as much as I can, and then go back and read it all when i'm back home.

Today I woke up, and I felt good, waking up in eddie's room..although..eddie had left.

It was pretty much all good until Carla and Eddie came in, and Eddie started ignoring me ..lunch was not good, but I could get used to it. The people are hysterical, I like them a lot..most of them..I don't know.

I still don't know..

and a little later we are going to Political Science and then his rehersal..and then monday will be pretty much over..

...I wish this nervousness would go away...I'll keep changing my color everytime I update..

Feel Free to comment.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I deleted it.

Because I don't know if I want you to know all my fears about this..

that's what it was full of..fears.

and the fact that I really had to pee..

I'm mad at myself. I'm throwing all my doubts and fears onto my bestfriend, and making her stay clear headed..making her be strong..

...thanks lissa...keep checking for updates.

...I'm ugly.

Monday, March 20, 2006

...Well my heart know's me better then I know myself, so i'ma let it do all the talking..

Mood: Gloomy
Music: Free Bird: By lynard Skynard

I had a fight with Eddie last night. Well technically this morning, but that's not important.
What's important is that I had a profound realization.

I don't treat people the way they deserve to be treated.

I guess i've been hinting towards this realization for just hadn't hit me. I haven't liked myself for a really long time..and this is why. I know it.

I said so many mean things to eddie last night..(he was mean to me too, but that's not the point) The point is that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter how wrong I think he is.

So; New start. I'm not going to be mean to people. I'm not going to argue, or yell or fight.

Wish me luck.

....he hurt me..really the way.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

...A lot of people get confused and they bruise Real easy when it comes to love...

Music: Black horse and the Cherry tree
Mood: Moodless

The daily things, that keep us all busy, are confusing me. Maybe somethings are that simple. Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on.

Reguardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all. Nothing's like before.

I was looking online today, and I found this survey on my homepage, it said "Is it time for you to break up?" So I clicked on it, and scrolled through briefly, The only bolded headline that I can remember seeing is "Is your mate ruleing your life with extreme jealousy?"

...*uncomfortable laugh*


I'm nervous..SO nervous. But you already know lets talk about something you don' t know.

If I make every mistake in the world..eventually i'll get to a point where i'll be perfect..and I wont hurt you at all.
Because i'm sick of hurting you.

How will I ever make it up to you?

I apologize a lot..but I have a lot of things to apologize for..

So I'm setting myself up to be people I don't really care about, by people that I could care less what they think of me.

..and yet i'm nervous.

That lust that i've been feeling...for everything and gone. I'm back to just wanting to see my boyfriend.

and I made it through it without condeming myself to thats good.

Mood: Energized

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

..and you will wait too long, he will be gone..


Haven't done it in awhile..

Nine..that's a heck of a lot smaller than twenty-three..I'm happy.

My boyfriend holding me, My boyfriend kissing me, My boyfriend telling me i'm beautiful...My boyfriend..I'm so excited.

I'm so excited.

Friday, March 10, 2006

...Die young and save yourself...

I'm completely fucked up right now, in a weird kinda way.

I'm so sane it's insane. I'm going insane.

I want something, and i've no clue what it is.

This is a really weird emotion..

...I wish someone could save me..

...but none of you understand.

...fuck off.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

...If I stay too long i'll probably break down and cry...

Mood: Trying not to be Lathargic
Music: Sweet child o' mine By: Guns and Roses

I've found myself looking at fat people. I look at they're ugly. I know I know, it's horrible, so sue me. Their fat..and I can't stop staring. I've been asking my friends "Do I look like that?" .."No ..seriously, do I look like that?". I'm done with it.

If I have to ask, there's a problem. No more. I want my body back.

...So i'm on a quest to get it. ...I am however, vaguely aware that i'm not eating enough I need to fix that.

My mom threw George out the window of the car....while we were going fifty. (George is a rubber duck). But it's okay, because we went back for he's got scratches..and he'll have a bandage on for awhile..but he's pullling through.

I like where I am in my life..although I may not appear to..

I've been having nightmares...horrible don't believe me? You don't understand how bad? Last night I had one about being raped by ugly men..not just one man, I said men.


I don't know why...probably because i'm insane.

That's about it..I miss my boyfriend everytime I breathe...I'm pretty tired of school..and I just want to be where I wanna go..but i'm okay with the fact that i'm not there..

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I'm coming to find you, if takes me all night.

Mood: Spongey
Music: Everything will be all right By: The Killers

I'm soaking up any emotion that's around me. I'm a sponge.

I'm really really tired.

The number is 23, and it's killing me. I want the number to be 1.

I've been really insecure lately....I've been feeling ugly.
It's probably my period.

Lissa, this is for you:
We'll all float on anyway. We'll float on, good news is on the way, and all float on okay, and we'll all float on all right, don't you worry we'll all float on, all right don't worry, we'll all float on. Even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float on all right.