Wrapped up in my security blanket

Did you know I have a security blanket?
Literally. A blanket.

...well I do.

I don't bring it out that often, mostly when i'm depressed.
I've been known to actually take it to school.

High school...i'm doing pretty well with the college classes.

I've got it on right now..i'm pretty sure that means i'm depressed, but I don't really know what's making me sad.

I think it's the Death cab for cutie..

I'm listening to this song "Marching bands of Manhattan"
This song is really beautiful.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,
just like a faucet that drips and there is comfort in the sound.
And whether you think it's half empty or half full,
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown."

I love this song.

I have so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming. I should just do it, but I'm tired..and I don't want too, and that's really the thing, I don't want to.

I just want to be in the car with Brett, at the park, making love quietly while it snows outside.

I just want to be sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, feeling safe, feeling taken care of, feeling isolated from all the real shit in my life.

Real shit, like the fact that when Brett comes out here agian, I'm going to tell him that i'm in love with him, that I want to be with him in whatever way he'll let me.

Real shit like the fact that I have all these finals, and I just want to pass my classes, that's all I want, is just to not loose it at the last minute like I always do.

Real shit. Like my life. My life that I keep hiding from.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be trapped, I just want to be me..
I can't really remember the last time I was me, and not me and someone else.

I know what people think when I say that i'm in love. They think I'm just in love with the idea, of being in love. I never was really good at the whole relationship thing. I know this..and the truth of it is, I don't really want a relationship, not right now..

I'm not over the shitty ass mistakes I made in the last one.

But I want to love someone, with my whole heart. That desire has never left me.

I want it to be Brett. I want it to be him, because it's impossible, because it's not right down the street, because he doesn't want me.

..and I will always want what I think I can't have. I want to be surprised at the fact that I might actually get it, despite all odds. That is the best kind of love, the type you don't think you deserve, but really deep down know you do.

I'm tired of waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment when my life starts. It's a feeling deep in my chest that i'm waiting to be ignited.

"Why do you love me?"
"Because you make me come alive."

You can think that i'm a child if you want, but these are the thoughts of a mature women. I've been around the block, given..I might have had my security blanket over my shoulders...but i've been there, i've been low and i've been high..

and right now..I just want to be something.