Monday, July 31, 2006

I have this good friend...his name is Eddie..

He left me, and there's nothing I can do about it...

My father's voice is in my head..the way he makes everything so simple, and he's telling me that if we are meant to be, Eddie and I will find each other again..

But how do two people find each other when they're eight hundred miles away?

I've never been one to have faith..but that's all I can do..

...Have faith that he wont find someone as good as me?
...Have faith that as we grow and turn and mature we'll still love each other?
...Have faith that I wont find someone as good as him?

...Faith is the hardest thing for me to have...

I can't stop imagining this other women..who I don't even know yet...underneath him...ontop of love with him...

It's not something i've ever been through..and i'm scared of how much it's going to hurt..

I guess all I can really do now is be his friend..and wait...and ....wait...

There were a lot of times when I thought I wasn't in love with eddie..and frankly...there were a lot of times when I ...wasn't..inlove with him...but I always loved him..

I guess this is the beginning of a very long road...I can't really see the end of it...and I don't really know who's walking it with me...

I hope that Eddie and I end up together...that would make me happy..

but I have to realize that it might not...probably won't...happen...

*closes my eyes*



Maybe sometime this week it'll happen...

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Live right now, and just be yourself..

...It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else...

Mood: Tranquil
Music: Jimmy eat world: The middle

College!!! YAY!!! no, seriously YAY!!!

I did it, i'm doing it, i'm going to get it done...and that makes me really happy..

So i'm going to use this time to..become me..not that i'm not -me- right now...I'm just going to become more clearly get it..

I'm happy...which is wierd because sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be happy...but I am..I'm not still sad...I get sad sometimes...but most of the time I'm happy...and i'm happy that i'm happy..

Brett is an asshole..(*gasp* I'm posting that in a blog on myspace *gasp*)

Yeah, he's an asshole who couldn't even make time to be my friend...when I needed him most...yeah..that's really shitty and an asshole thing to do..

but you know what? It doesn't matter...because all that really matters right the people I care about..


Garden State:
But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

Friday, July 28, 2006

I think I hurt my neck..

I passed out last night, while I was getting my tattoo..

I'm really mad at myself, because I thought I would be okay..and I feel like I made a scene..and I wasn't trying to..

I was just like "I..need to sit down" and then I did and then all of a sudden WHAM -out-

...I'm so mad at myself...

Tattoo came out nice though...

"Trying to make some sense of it all, but I see that it makes no sense at all."

Wrapped around my left ankle..

I'm already in love with it, it belongs there...

I called Eddie when I woke up and calmed down a was sort of a dumb thing to do, call your ex-boyfriend after you pass out...but I needed to talk to like...a family member...and he was the closest thing to me for a really long I just..needed to hear "Your okay" from someone who...

ah fuck it, I called him OKAY no big deal.

So anyway..

Placement tests today...I really don't want head hurts...and I have no money..because I tipped mike like 80 bucks...because I love him and he's awesome...

so yeah...I'm tired now..Like really tired...maybe a shower will wake me up...

I'm gonna go do that, cuz I smell..

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Okay...I'm going to vent for a minute and then i'm going to let it go...

This god-damn mother-fucking ipod. First of all, it was a perfectly good ipod and it's not my fault it broke. I bought him it, he loved it, he broke it.. so...why did I offer to fix it in the first place? Why? Why did I ACTUALLY fix it? What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be out of my fucking mind. Seriously. *Screams*

You know why?

Because for some reason, I needed to apologize...for fucking up our relationship so royally. I needed to apologize for my behavior the last month we were together, for how insane I was..I needed to say "here, take this, because i'm still incredibily in love with you and I need to buy you something expensive, even though your an asshole who stepped on my heart.."

Because I want to say all those things but can't....because I don't want him to forget about me...about the good things...about the ...time we spent together..

Because I am so afraid that I threw away the best man i'll ever be with...

because for some reason I wasn't fucking good enough...I'm not fucking good enough... so mad...and upset...and hurt...

because he got everything he wanted from me...and I get...nothing...

I feel -lucky- i'm still on his myspace, i'm lucky that i'm number eight...I feel like it's a Gift that he still talks to I've done something wrong

because I believe i've done something wrong...and I can't figure out what...

Because i'm fucking insane.

....I can feel myself at a cross road...and I can either go down or up...and I'm not going down...I refuse to go down.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

There's this quote...

Mood: Healing.
Music: Cosy in the Rocket From: Grey's Anatomy

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." I don't like chemisty...but it's still a good quote..

I've been transformed...A major part of my life is over...almost...and i'm moving on..

and i'm good with that.

You know..I'm not looking for a long term relationship...I'm not looking for it...but..who knows?
Who knows what the future holds..

I feel bad...

Eddie gave me something last night...I'm so glad I called him..because he really helped me...Just like he always has..

and now I can do this...I can stand up on both of my own legs...and face whatever this future holds...

I love Eddie Key. I always always will...but it's okay that he left..

Because he needed to, and he's needed to for awhile..

I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for...I hope he lives a really fun, happy life..

and I hope I do too..

I hope that one day, Eddie will visit me, and we'll go to some awesome band or museum in the city and we'll both have an awesome the great friends I know we can be..

I got my closure...and i'm good to go now..

I just hope that he'll be okay...

I hope that you'll be okay Eddie, babe.

and i'm here for you, whenever you need me.

Have fun!

Friday, July 21, 2006

I will touch the sun or I will die...trying...

Mood: Tearful
Music: Just the voice of my memories..clouding my head with insercurites

In the spirit of tradition, I am going to get my eyebrow pierced. I've wanted it for awhile..but have never gotten around to getting it...If I don' t like it, I can just take it out..

I knew a girl once who took her toungue ring out after two days of enormous pain, because she figured out that it wasn't..the right time...or it didn't look good on her...something like that..

*sigh*..I also knew this guy...who took out this girl..from his heart...after three (almost three) years of keeping her there...

...I guess he figured out that she didn't look good there...or something like that.

I'm having a little trouble withdrawing from GSU...this school of my dreams...that would have allowed me to do so much...that now i'm not ready to attend.

We all have set backs..maybe this is just a set back, and i'll find another school...or something..

My heart is so broken right now, and my head is so clouded...

I just need sort this all out..

I'm not the kind of person that just gives up...even after three years of the same person giving..the minimum...or at times giving nothing at all...I filled that void with friends, other guys..with bad habits...

...bad habits die hard I guess.

I'm glad to see he hasn't taken me off of his friends list, just moved me the bottom..where I belong..

where i've belonged for three years....but he just..never got around to moving me..

This pain will subside..I know that..

The habits i've formed...will slowly fade away...that urge to reach for the phone in the morning..and at night..that'll go away

even if I have to cry into melissa chest for months...

I've called on my friends...

I find it funny...he called on his friends to talk about his problems with our relationship all the time..and I never said anyone...I just kept it inside and hoped that I could fix the problem on my own..

and now i've surrounded myself with hold me up when it feels like I can't rub my shoulders when my body is covered with whisper "shh baby" in my ear at 4am when I wake up comment on my myspace so many times that all the pervious messages of the past are pushed away...

I found a bracelet at the bowling says "hope" on it...and it orange..the color of healing...I put it on..and took off an old bracelet from the past...

...I'm using the remaining money from my graduation to fix this goddamn Ipod..this thing he wanted so much..this thing that broke after a week of use...

Story of my life. I'll fix it, one more time...and then I'll leave it be...

There's the beautiful painting of icarus's fall from's done by an artist named Bruegel...
Icarus falls in the bottom right hand corner of the painting and he's drowing...and noone in the painting notices...or I guess...cares enough to help him...

I'm not like the sense that...I'll get back up...I'll build better wings then my father could, and I'll take off...right for the sun...with wings that wont melt this time...

I'll get over it...

....Eddie will get over it...

Maybe we'll be friends somewhere down the line...or maybe we'll never see each other again...

....but as for me...there's says it on my wrist ..and i'll hold on to that hope...of better things...and of fadeing pain...

until I can build some stronger wings...and fly towards that sun..

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Mood: calm and clear headed
Music: Wait By: Get Set Go

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear, wait till the sun gets here, and you will wait too long, he will gone. Wait. Wait till the sun shines through, wait till the sky is blue, and you will wait too long, he will be gone.

Eddie left me.

Two in the morning, I got a call..

Apparently we aren't compatable.

Well, you didn't have to tell me that. I know that opposites attract.

When I tried to explain to Eddie, that I was attracted to our uncompatable(ness), when I told him that I feel like he completed me, and when I asked him not to leave before we actually had a go of it...a real life go...I was hit with "I can't"...

Okay...he can't. Okay...I get it.

I got it.

I went into shock...real life shock. I was sitting with my feet in a very pretty foutain, and I was in complete shock. I think I would have sat there for a lot longer than I did if melissa hadn't moved me..

I went through my phases...I cried..alot. I tried to hurt myself. I got angry. Really angry (okay, i'm still angry) and then it was gone...and the calm came..

I've done a lot of thinking these last 12 hours..and I have my conclusion, I have my closure (no thanks to eddie..who has given me..well...none )..and here it is..

I know how to love. I am an awesome lover. I don't always have the right thing to say, and I don't always have the right reaction to certain situations...but I am none the less, and awsome lover.

I would have done it..As my father told me, I would have pullled that "trigger" and moved down to Georgia for the man I loved, for the man who I thought loved me..Why? Why would I have done that, despite everyone's objections, despite all the money??

Because I know how to love.

Because Eddie Calvin Key was the love of my life, and my rock. He would have made so many things possible for me. I've always wanted to travel, and I've always wanted to study somewhere where my studies were all i'd have to concentrate on...unfortunatley that isn't going to be possible least not for awhile..

Just so it's clear, to everyone..I am not going to Georgia, not because of the fact that Eddie left me, but because of the fact that, Eddie left me. Don't get it? That's okay. It's because the person that would have helped me out down there, the person who would have helped me when I needed help...has broken my heart. Has proven that he is a coward, and a man who..just..isn't love.

Did we end on good terms? No, no we did not. Maybe if he had chosen not to forsake me, maybe if he had been a little nicer, and a little more understanding of what he was would be okay, and I would still be going..But it didn't happen that way...I was hit with a lot of truth's "I never wanted you to come to my college, for two reasons..ect ect" followed by a lot of "I can't" and "No"..

Like I closure..

So i'm least for the time being..until I can become financially secure enough not to have to relay on my mother...(who has told me that eddie has not only broken one heart, but two..her's)

I don't really know what's to become of american dream has been shattered..

and now it appears I will have to make my own..


One thing i'm certain of though...I'm gonna be just fine. It isn't my fault that my partner wasn't ready, didn't want to continue, didn't want me anymore. That's not my fault. I'm good at loving someone, if I can only get the chance..

So i'll wait...for that "Mr. Right"...and hopefully he'll come along one day..and that picture of Eddie and My the back of my mind...hopefully that will fade...and i'll heal without a limp...

...we'll see...

Regaurdless...i'll get over it...somehow..

Wait. Wait till the signs are right, wait till the perfect time, and he will be gone.
He will be gone...
He will be...gone...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I think my heart might explode ...


Why are you playing with my emotions like this?!
Are we friends?

I don't have time. I have NO TIME. SO WHY? WHY!!
Why are you wasting it, huh?

Just tell me, just please tell me how you really feel...are you using me for cigarettes, or do you like riding around in your car with me? Is it just because you don't have anyone else to go to eat with, or do you like our conversations?

Was it just work that made you my speech partner, or did you really like working with me?

I grew up with you Brett, you said it yourself, YOU called us "just two kids, growing up together" where has that spirit gone?

Because the truth is...I only wanna spend my time's all I to be in your car, and not have to think...about how much I want to be in your car

So don't leave me hanging like this..

If you don't want me, if you don't want my friendship...

Then let me go..

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Painting on canvas bags...

I wish I could stay in this summer for the rest of my life.
Sometimes what's happening in my life washes over me like a waterfall and i'm sitting there stunned with a muffled "Al, are you okay? Alex? Al?" in the background..
What am I supposed to do about that?

Melissa and I are getting matching tattoo's. I put a period at the end of that sentence because it's final, were doing it, and i'm happy as hell about my decision. The tattoo is going to say "Lost without you" and the words are going to wrap around our left ankle...(this might be subject to change..but most likely not..because we've hand shaken on it)

Brett..ah brett...*sigh* brett...*grumble* brett...Brett
Where are you when I need you? It's like..your never there when I need you, and your always around when I don't need you..but then right after you leave I realize that I needed you, and Still jerkface..

Stop using me.

I'm gonna start pulling my hair out stick around

Monday, July 10, 2006

I just realized

I just realized that it kinda looks like I idolize eddie...if you read all my blogs..

Who am I? Am I this person? This person who picks their boyfriend's college..have I fucking sold my soul to GSU, because that's what I feel like..I can't leave there...I can't undo what i'm doing..

If I stay there I would have to finish two years...or the time would be worthless, and i'm not sure that I can do that..

Pick triton, Pick triton Ally, do it DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh god, sweet jesus what the fuck am I doing?

It's not too late, I can still back out..i'll have only lost three years, and about 3,ooo dollars...I can back out...

and i'm thinking, it would be so awesome right now, if my life just ended, and I didn't have to make this fucking decision...

I mean..i'm not really in eddie's life anyway, and he only "kinda" wants me to be there..and it's looking like he wants to teach overseas...and basically it's looking like he hasn't planned me into his life anyway..

so me stepping out of it would be easy...right?
I'm having a hard time here..dealing with the fact that i'm leaving my friends, and my brett and my melissa...

Missa...I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I'm so sorry i've been putting you second...because i'm leaving you too...and we should do something
not a movie not something where we can't talk...because I need to talk to you

Your my best friend, my BEST friend..

...If eddie could just ..say make me feel like i'll be okay..then maybe i'll be okay..
Because brett and melissa can tell me it's going to be okay all they want..but that it's going to help...

Saturday, July 08, 2006


I'm such an idiot!!!!

That's kinda how I feel about's the first layer of how I feel..and then after that it goes to like

What am I going to do, when I can't do this anymore?

and then I get kinda emotional about the whole thing..because the thing is making me happy

Let me elaborate on the happy. It's making me incomparably happy, as in NOTHING makes me happier

and then I go back to GOD I'M SUCH AN IDIOT

.....What am I going to do, when I can't do this anymore?

....Our relationship is changing, it's getting so much better.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Have you ever seen a human heart?

It looks like a fist wrapped in blood.

You've ruined my life.
You'll get over it.

When i'm not there you look for me.

Why isn't love enough...


It's not safe out there.
Oh, and it's safe in here?

Monday, July 03, 2006

The part that sucks the most..

I'll never match that one person that my boyfriend is in love with the most...
and that sucks spite of everything...

....I know i'm still in love with him.

And I can push and push all I want...but in the end..if I keep pushing, he's still gonna be gone..

...the difference is that if it's because I pushed him away..then i'll have no one to blame except myself..

and I'm just as good as Carla..

...we all idolize people..most of the time it's people that we can't's completely normal..

And just because when I was faced with the option of having that thing I always wanted...having that "what if"....poorly...doesn't mean he will...react poorly that is..

...oh fuck it.
There's nothing I can do but love the bastard.
...and hope that no one else will be willing to put up with his shit.
*crosses fingers*

...because he'd leave me..

...and then i'd be stuck in fucking...georgia.

...oh boy.