Friday, April 13, 2007

What? I'm still alive? No shit.

What do you do when you reach that point where you stop caring if you're alive or dead? When they're both the same thing to you?

Dangerous situations stop mattering..

..I could get hurt..
..I don't care.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

To you..

I wish I could find someone who understood my fetish and worked with me so that I didn't have to be alone..

..because I feel so my life..

Friday, March 16, 2007

It's safe here..

I wish I had the guts to tell you everything i'm really thinking..

I wish I could give you an ultimatum..

I wish I had the guts to just leave you, knowing you'd come back..

But the truth?

Ultimatums are tools for people who think they have it in the bag..

...and you are anything but in my bag..

I'm too afraid to tell you that I want all or none of you..because you might leave..and if you leave

i'll fall apart..because the only thing I really want is to be able to love you..

My happiness lies in your hands..and if it were up to'd let me be with you..

I wanted to tell you tonight..when you said you were lonely..

...That this is your fault. You did this to us. You and I were seconds away from being a real

team, and having what we worked so hard for, for three years. You split us up, and now we're

both alone, and missing something. So don't tell me you're lonely, because the truth of the

matter is that you're just upset you don't have someone in you're life.

I on the other hand, have to live everyday knowing that you were the one person I loved, and

you don't want me anymore.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every

day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every

day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now,

40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can

do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

My life..

Our heat's the fuck does that happen?

I'm freezing my god damn ass off..

What is happening to my life?

I want to get an apartment with Sam, but at the same time I really don't because then i'll be stuck here..and I don't want to be stuck here..ever..

I wanna leave, I wanna just go..I've only been back for a week and i'm already losing it..

This is not the kind of life I want..

..I think I might actually kill myself..

Monday, February 26, 2007


So I've realized that i'm not over you

and that there's nothing I can do about it..

..and now I dont know what to do about the fact that you don't want me could you just..not want me..

I've thought and thought inside and out..about a person..

...and I think i'm pretty awesome..

I'm not the most attractive person in the world..but.

..neither are you..

I thought we were a good pair...

I just miss you very...very much..

I wanna see you so bad..I would give anything..


I miss you..

...I wish you missed me..

We're human beings..we don't have that much time..and when it's up..we're just going to look

back..I don't want to regret..

I know I love much..and I just don't want to be forced into saying goodbye to someone..

I feel this way about..

You would probably say i'm young..i'll find someone else..

but the truth is..I don't WANT someone else..because no one makes me feel the way you do..

..there's so much I can't do anything many things I won't be able to change your mind about..

...and it's the worst pain I know

..To know that i'll never ..because you were so amazing

..I miss your hands on my body..and the way it felt when I would lay on top of you..I miss your

family..I miss your land..feeling like I could talk to you about anything in the world

Do you miss me at all?
Do you think of all?

What about us..about the good?

If you do..why don't you tell me that..ever?...I want to hear it..

I miss your bed in the dark..I miss how good it felt not to be in my own

...but none of this matters to you..and you probably didn't even make it this far..

Friday, February 23, 2007

jesus fucking christ

I hate my nose screw.

It's like..what could have possibly made my day worse? What could possibly make it worse for

me before my vacation? MY FUCKING NOSE SCREW FELL OUT!!

Jesus Christ, I'm so frustrated..

I've been talking to myself for like an hour...

trying to pump myself up

"you wanna be a doctor, you can do this"

"it's just a nose screw"

"You rock Al, YOU ROCK, you can do this!!"

...I can't do this..i've been screwing a million different ways and it's not going in GAHHHHHH

So I finally grabbed a regular earring like you put in your ear..and I jammed it in there

Fuck this shit, i'm going to bed.. nose is so red..and raw..

Fuck screws..I want my ring NOW.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Did you ever feel..


I decided that i'm not going to forsake this blog anymore..

Myspace is all well and good, but this is my journal..this is where I can be me..
The people who really love me will be good enough to know the link here..

Today was a terrible day..
I cried myself to sleep last night, and woke up with crusty stuff on my eyes,

I hate that.

I had the most stupid lab of my life, the freakin' cheek cell lab that i've done at least a 100 times..

I shouldn't have even gone, it so wasn't worth it..

Things got a little better when Mike (big mike) and I went out to eat

and then things fell hard, really hard..when my card didn't work..
What the fuck?

That's the third time in a month..

You need to understand something about my past first;

I come from a family where sometimes we just wouldn't have cash..

We'd buy a weeks worth of Grocery's and get to the cashier to find out

that our check didn't work..and we'd have to leave everything..right there..

So in conclusion..I have issues with my card not working..because it makes me feel poor
Like I should be apologizing..

Right this second..I have over 200 in my why?
Why didn't it work?

Why did I have to be embarrassed in front of a man I like?

I didn't smoke though,

So if nothing else, it proved that I can be strong..

My face really hurts

Mike and I sat there for 3 and 1/2 hours playing Gin, talking, and making

lists of final fantasy characters..and you know..he reminds me of home..

I like this new layout, and I think i'll keep it for awhile..wanna hear a story?


So when I went to see Eddie, we got to spend three days at his house..all alone..
and there were times when I got to just sit outside, in the middle of the

winter..and it wasn't cold, it was just perfect, and I got to look out on his

land..and how beautiful it was..and I could close my eyes..and just

It actually took my head awhile to stop spinning, but eventually, I could

close my eyes and just let myself meditate, and then opening my eyes on that amazing land with those amazing stars..

..I realize now that I wouldn't live any other way..
I can't wait until my trip to U of I
I can't wait..

I close my eyes, and see London, Scotland, Georgia, Indiana..all the places i've been

..and I know that I am not supposed to stay in one place..

I think part of the reason Eddie was so perfect for me was because he was

a reminder of everything I wanted, and everywhere I wanted to be..

I understand why he left..I'm just one person..
and people like us are not supposed to have just one person.. least not now anyway..

I think my head is seriously bruised..

I want to buy the movie "What dreams may come"

I do in fact think it's time for sleep..

I'll leave you with this..though..

"I want somebody to share the rest of my life
Share my inner most thoughts
and my intimate details"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Not writing makes me go insane..

I am all alone..

everyone who wanted to leave..left..and now I am all alone..

the only person who might understand me is Em, because she tried to leave, but didn't get far enough away, and now she's just as fucked as I am..which is why we make a good pair..I think..

I told Eddie I wanted to see him...which I do..and when he said he didn't have the time, I pretty much told him i'm going crazy..and then he signed off..and I cried..

It's not even really about Eddie..

It's about getting out of here..far far away from here..

I hate it here...I hate everything about here..

Dominic punched me in the face today...

I am trapped...and i'm losing my dreams...

they slip through my fingers more every day..

I just..want to be..anywhere but here..

I want a home...I want a home of my own

Where is my happiness?
How do I find it?

I don't need a shrink...because I know i'm not crazy..

Anyone would agree with me that I live in a shit-hole..


oh god...someone help me...

I can't breathe..

and I don't know how to get back to the place where I could..

I need taking care of..because I can't do this by myself anymore..

...someone hold me...or at least knock me out..

I wish this pain would just knock me out..

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

fuck valentines day

I just thought i'd say it in advance, because i'm probably going to be too depressed to say it on the actual day..

Fuck you Valentine's Day.

I will be trying my hardest not to think of him on that day..and it probably won't work..and he'll probably end up being the only thing I DO think about ..and so..fuck the ass..


Three years went by way to fast...and Time goes by too slow now..

Monday, January 29, 2007

a little about me..

A lot has happened the last few ..weeks..and I finally had the nerve to sit down..and think about it all..I think that if you read'll understand me a little better..and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me..for things that I might have said or done that caused you pain..

When Eddie and I broke up, I was smashed to the ground. All of my plans were ruined, all of my heart was broken. The worst thing that I did during my healing process was pretending to be all right.

I jumped almost seamlessly from Eddie to Melissa and Steve, I wasn't ready for the change, at all, and I started picking out every little thing that wasn't Eddie. I missed Eddie. I thought about him constantly, every second of every day. I tried to hide it, but it didn't work.

The first time I had sex with someone else I was traumatized, I thought that it would help me, I hoped that I would feel better, like I moved on..I didn't. I just felt empty and as though I had lost something.

Brett saw that I was broken, more so then I had ever been before, and he saw the stupidity in my actions. I was attracted to the fact that he saw through my facade, my lies, and the mask that I had put up...he told me that it was ok to cry, it was ok to long or pine or whatever the hell I needed to do..

So I stopped pretending that my life was all right..that I was all right..

I should also put a note in here that at this time I was struggling very heavily with my love for my best friend. Although I was crushed that my plans for Georgia had failed there were certain things I found joy in, like the fact that I wasn't going to be leaving my best friend, it made me happy. I loved her. It wasn't until later that I realized that all she was trying to do was take care of me, in every way that she could, so much so that perhaps she offered up her boyfriend to me so that I wouldn't have to feel so any rate...I could love her back the way that she loved me, and I was so blinded by the pain of the breakup that I didn't see all of the good things that she was doing for me.

Melissa and Steve were a symbol of a different life, they were a mistake that I had already made, and moved on from. Yes, we had all grown, but to me they still stayed as a symbol of what I thought was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Eddie. What I did to him in the past, the first time I met Melissa and Steve...what I did hurt him more then anything else, and was the worst I have ever hurt another human being.

So I looked for someone, anyone else, I was still so afraid to be alone, but I didn't want to be with two people that reminded me of my worst mistakes. That's when I collided with Mike. His hand felt good on my shoulder, his words made me momentarily forget about my pain..and he looked kind of like Eddie.

I made myself believe that if I hurt this person it wouldn't matter, because he was an artist, he was looking for pain, for writing would be all right..

I have since realized that it was wrong, and apologized. He remains my friend, for reasons a bit unknown. We match, him and I, in a way that seems to make the pain in my life fade but not disappear.

But I still wasn't truly happy. Once again, Brett saw this, and the stupidity in it, and I fell just a little harder for the fact he could see through my wrong turns.

I finally settled on just being alone. I still missed Eddie, and maybe he started to miss me too, even though its more likely that he was just lonely. For whatever reason, we decided to see each other.

I'm still not certain on whether or not this was a mistake. I know that its sent me a little more then over the edge, but I also know that it renewed my faith in men, and helped me to remember my goals in life, and for this reason, I wouldn't take it back. Also the sex was amazing, so there's that too.

When I came home from Georgia, I was so much more broken then I had been before, there was no pretending this time. I really was broken. My insecurity's rose to the surface, my fear of being alone, my loneliness, my home life, my intelligence, my beauty, my friendships, my ability to reason and love and be was all put to the test, and it was all far too much for me to handle.

I freaked...worse then I have ever freaked in my life..there were no tears, just pain..and fear..

At first I put up the mask. "I'm all right, better then you actually." I ended up just coming off as a slut. I talked about sex a lot more then I should have, because I wanted to look confident. The people I loved started to leave, and I couldn't understand why. The last shred of my dignity went into making love to Brett before he left. I wanted to feel beautiful just one more time. I wanted to feel loved, just one more time. I wanted to feel something, anything, else.

Once he left I couldn't pretend anymore. I was like an addict going through a serious withdrawal, from what I don't know..but I started to everything in excess. Smoking, drinking, even pot. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be happy, or numb. When people asked me for help I pushed them away because I wasn't ready to help them, I wasn't even ready to help myself.

I wanted to die.

I went to sleep every single day for a week hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

...that's where I was at last week.

A handful of people that I care about stopped talking to me. Perhaps they were sick of my lies, my mask, or maybe they just had too much going on in their lives. It could be that like with me, before, I am a reminder to them of a bad time in their life. I would understand any of those reasons, but the sad fact is that I don't know the reason...maybe I do, in my heart.

My life is hard, but so is everyone else's.

So what brings us together?

..Hopefully it's the ability to stop and realize that, we are all each other has in this life...friends are hard to come by..

Will my group be kind enough to forgive me? Intelligent enough to realize that I have grown?

........I do not know...

I am ready, finally, after close to seven months, to let the mistakes of my past move forward with my life..

I can't look at pictures of Eddie and I without crying, without seeing all that could have been, and all that will never be..the that now I can accept that this is the way it is..and will be..

I only have myself..and what I make out of my own life.

...and..that's all I wanted to say..

Sunday, January 28, 2007

i'm just a walking my dog

I'm starting to question my sanity..
I feel like i'm acting insane..
I know that I am...

...I'm acting on impulse..because I am so deeply hurt...
...but I think I made a really big step today..
Today I decided that nothing is worth being this hurt over..
...nothing is worth being this fucked up..

So i'm just letting it go..

I have decided that I'm moving soon as possible.

I don't just say it for nothing..I really mean it when I say "I won't be here then..."
I don't plan on being here...

I'm not gonna lie, a certain situation fucked me up, really bad...and I'm about to get it out.
A good friend of mine dropped a load of secrets in my lap one day while I was driving, and it fucked my head up so bad for a really long time.. made me think about questions I'd never thought about before..

"What makes a friendship?"
"Under what circumstances do you keep a secret from someone you care about?"
"When is enough, really enough."
"How far do you go for someone you love?"

I think I've answered all of the questions..and I feel a lot more confident about me.
It feels good, in case you're wondering.

Over the past week i've said some fucked up a lot of people..
I'm not gonna lie...a lot of the time I was stoned..

I feel bad about all of the stuff I said..
I'm only sorry about a handful of things.

I think that once your around a group of people for so long..they start to believe that you can't change..I feel like my friends started to believe that I was incapable of change..because they were all changing so fast..

...I change too..

Uh...I should probably clear some stuff up..
but i'm not gonna...

All I know for sure is the following:

I am confident with myself and where I am going, and no one is going to take that away from me anymore.
I know who a handful of my true friends are, and I intend to spend time with those people.
I am not sorry for the things that I have done, I may question the way that I've done them, but i'm not sorry that they were done.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


I had a really insecure wasn't fun..

I climbed the wall at Dick's..only made it half way to the top..
I know it's because I psyched myself out..and because i'm out of shape..and because I pretty much tried to attack it..

it's okay..but it didn't really help the situation..

I also felt ugly ugly...I felt fat..and also like my clothes looked awkward on me..and then I felt awkward..

Which led to me feeling ...incapable with myself and my abilities I put on makeup..but it didn't get any better..

It didn't get better until I called Ed...and cried..and then he talked about how awesome he was and how i'm kinda..awesome too..but not AS awesome..and his ego made me feel better...sorta..

I guess I felt more confident..which was good because then I went out with Sam for coffee..and found out she's probably going to get back together with Brad..I'm happy for her...but it made me sad..because I have no love..

Then I went out with Emily to the hookah bar..and we stayed there until it closed..we were there for like ..4. hours or something outrageous like that..we just talked..about everything..mainly my past...and my childhood and hers and such...and we chilled with Ehab for awhile..which was cool...and we decided on the hookah we're gonna buy for the apartment..which led to a list of things we're gonna buy...which was fun..and reassuring...Emily in general is reassuring..which is why I think I like being around her so much..she pushes me..she's blunt when i'm stupid about things..and I like that..a lot..

I'm excited about my hair...I hope it looks good..I'm gonna get another tattoo and a nose piercing too...rock..

The one thing that's really up my ass right now is that my mother said she's pay my phone bill for me..and then she...didn't..but said she now it's like 100 instead of 50.....i'm really angry...especially because if this mistake means I don't get my 400 dollar security deposit back..i'm going to kill someone...


I'd really like to get this apartment with Emily and Laura Currie...I like them both..and I think it would be the best atmosphere for me to be in right now..we're all three people that are going places but like to party as the apartment would be....colorful..and clean at the same time..and they're girls so I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping with them when I was drunk..which is awesome..

I don't know..just my thoughts..
I got my check today...It made me feel so much better..

Melissa...and I...are pretty far as like..knowing each other is concerned..
I really did like what I saw of TJ...except for the driving of course..I respect her decision..and I'll let her's cool..

...Just that...we aren't going to be as close as we were in the past..because TJ is nothing like me..and I kinda felt like he was pretty ..there's that..

Plus...I'm single...and Lissa's ...not..which is kinda..not good..she doesn't understand where i'm coming from...and I don't understand where she's coming from..

It's in general...not..good...

Don't get me wrong..i'm not saying I don't want to be friends with her..i'm just saying..things are happening..and we're drifting...which has made me realize that this relationship I had with my "best friend" wasn't really what I thought it's more of a friendship of convenience then an actual..respect for the other person's life...I'll always love her..but she's more of a sister then a'll tell my brother Vince things..but not..everything..because I feel like certain things he just wouldn't understand..or would judge me for saying..

Plus..I can't really get over the fact that she bottled everything up from me..and then just unloaded it one day while I was driving..

I understand why she did it...I just..can't get over it...right now.. yeah...thats probably what I really came here to write about....and now i'm pretty tired because that was emotional...

Friday, January 19, 2007

I want to be a girl..

I want to create an image for myself..I want a style..I want a look..

I want to feel pretty all the time..
I want people to know who I am by looking at me

I really do all of these things

..I'm getting my hair done on Thursday..

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

how many more of these types of blogs?

Healthy relationships..that's what i'm into right now.

That's what i'm looking for..
I want to be around people that bring out the best of

I feel bad for you if you're not on that list of people but you know what?
I'm not sorry.

I'm vain, I'm shallow and i'm selfish..

and if you don't like it fuck you life is about ME

One more thing..

There are our society..I've become aware of this lately..and the unspoken rule of courtesy is that you don't show public displays of's rude..
and it makes me uncomfortable too..


Saturday, January 13, 2007


I am constantly reminded of the biggest mistake of my life..

I should just stop trying to fix my life..
Sometimes I think I should just give into this..

It's a long shot that he'll take me back..
and it's a long shot that he'll actually fall in love with me..

but they are the only two men I feel anything towards..

I need somebody new..

I need someone to sweep me off my feet

Monday, January 08, 2007

no one reads this anyway

No one reads this anymore I might as well pour my heart out..

Eddie I love you...I will always love you..
6 months since you fell out of love with me..and i'm still waiting..

A whole 4 days where we did nothing but talk about how I needed to move on..
and i'm still waiting..

EDDIE- you are the best thing that's ever happened to my life..
You bring me so much makes me speechless sometimes..

Your the only person I want..and I know...I know what I said..I know I said i'd try...and I am..I will..try harder..but in this this ..tiny little moment..

I would just like to say...that i'm sorry for my mistakes..
I'm sorry I was such a shitty fucking person..
I'm sorry I ruined our relationship..

*starts crying*

I'm sorry I cheated..I'm so sorry..I'm so so sorry..

I would give anything..anything..
I will miss you forever..

I'll miss your smell..your smile..your touch..

I'm crazy..I know I am..
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize what I had..
I'm sorry i'm not perfect..
I'm not good enough, pretty enough..stable enough..for you to love me back..

I want you to be proud of me..
I'm changing my life..

I'm not a cheater anymore..

...never again..

And I REFUSE to surround myself with people who are.

Be proud my love..
and know that I miss you..

God I hope this helps..I hope writing this down helps..

I want it out of my system..

I want to move on..because I dont want to become creepy..

...I guess what i'm saying here is..goodbye..I will always love you...and i'm sorry..for everything I did..