Sunday, December 31, 2006

Horny ass hell..

I am horny.

I want some fucking crazy sex.

I want..pain..I want..insanity..


Saturday, December 30, 2006

.. i'm one day into this..
I'm fucking insane..

When this is all over I am going to very hard..
I wasn't quite sure what would happen..but I am being used...deliciously used..
and it's by the one person I thought I would hate forever..
..and I can't help it...

He has my heart..he has my heart..
How is this supposed to end?
When I go back to the airport will I be handed my heart back and given a pat on the back and a "thanks for the sex al"

..I dont wan't to talk about this because the more I do the more I am certain it is a grave mistake that I am making, and the more I realize how big of a mistake this is..the more I want to stop doing it.. but I can't..

I've worked so hard to get here..and now...if feels like I haven't gone..anywere

He started it...I wasn't gonna make a move..he made it first...these five words keep repeating over and over again in my head .....dont give him your heart....

..I miss my Eddie.. and with all the shit going on in my fucking life..the thought of just maybe...having someone one wants to be alone..but me especially right now.. I dont want to be alone! ...I dont want this heartbreak

I dont want this heartbreak....

Friday, December 29, 2006

I can't remember

I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end.

My life is fucked up.

I know this...

I also know that there is one person who's life is far more fucked then mine is..
..she just doesn't know it yet..

I'm worried. Really worried.

She is gonna get her heartbroken or worse...
and there is nothing I can do to help her..
because she doesn't care what I have to say..

..because if she did she'd fucking talk to me.

Everyone keeps telling me to say how I feel..


..what the fuck is that shit about..

I thought we were one person..remember? REMEMBER? That's what you said.


Sunday, December 24, 2006

I love them but..

I love my family to death but...

Right now they are being so incredibily annoying.
I'm really tired..and really worn out from's christmas eve..I just want to go home..

I miss talking to Eddie..

I'm really nervous about this trip..

I know what's going to happen..
I'm going to cry

I hate crying..

Okay..i'm a little drunk ..right now..

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

doctors take the pain away

I went to the doctor today

I feel so much better
..She said everything looks fine

I look fine.

It's the first time i've felt normal in a long time
Like a normal teenage girl

I like that..

I'm not having unprotected sex anymore.
I promise myself.

I will try not to have unprotected sex anymore.

My blood pressure is perfect, I feel good about everything
The stess is melting away
Christmas is coming

..and Eddie hasn't made me feel like shit in two days!!
Because I haven't talked to him.


Maybe it is..just that simple.

There's this one person..that has been making me feel special lately..
but's a secret..

Saturday, December 16, 2006

My own personal fall out..

Eddie. I'm happy for you, you asshole.
Even though you weren't there for me to back me up with my dreams,
I'm still happy for you.

Even though it was more important to chill with Carla and Ian when I was going to drive myself into oncoming traffic..

I'm still happy for you.

I'm your own personal ego booster..fuck off
I'm still happy for you

You'll be a perfect doctor,
Maybe just a little bad on the bedside manner..
*Gives you the middle finger*

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Note to self...

Carla had a good idea, i'm stealing it:

I like hearing my brother's laugh, it makes my day.

Melissa has the coolest siblings i've ever met, ever.

I miss Voodoo, if this trip is terrible, seeing that cat will be worth it.

I will not break out, no, not happening, my face will listen to me.

I can't wait to be done with classes.

Laura is my oldest friend, and i'll always try to respect her.

In nineteen days I will let go of all the personal shit even if it kills me.

I will let the fact that I blew it with the most beautiful women i've ever known go..okay..i'll try to let it go..

I will except the fact that more then one person is going to use my car.

I will not smoke hookah every single day.

I will try my hardest not to become insane when talking to Eddie.

When I forgive someone I will stick to it.

I miss watching Lost.

I will try to watch what I eat, and I will drink more water.

...okay..i'm good for now..

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Wrapped up in my security blanket

Did you know I have a security blanket?
Literally. A blanket.

...well I do.

I don't bring it out that often, mostly when i'm depressed.
I've been known to actually take it to school.

High school...i'm doing pretty well with the college classes.

I've got it on right now..i'm pretty sure that means i'm depressed, but I don't really know what's making me sad.

I think it's the Death cab for cutie..

I'm listening to this song "Marching bands of Manhattan"
This song is really beautiful.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,
just like a faucet that drips and there is comfort in the sound.
And whether you think it's half empty or half full,
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown."

I love this song.

I have so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming. I should just do it, but I'm tired..and I don't want too, and that's really the thing, I don't want to.

I just want to be in the car with Brett, at the park, making love quietly while it snows outside.

I just want to be sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, feeling safe, feeling taken care of, feeling isolated from all the real shit in my life.

Real shit, like the fact that when Brett comes out here agian, I'm going to tell him that i'm in love with him, that I want to be with him in whatever way he'll let me.

Real shit like the fact that I have all these finals, and I just want to pass my classes, that's all I want, is just to not loose it at the last minute like I always do.

Real shit. Like my life. My life that I keep hiding from.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be trapped, I just want to be me..
I can't really remember the last time I was me, and not me and someone else.

I know what people think when I say that i'm in love. They think I'm just in love with the idea, of being in love. I never was really good at the whole relationship thing. I know this..and the truth of it is, I don't really want a relationship, not right now..

I'm not over the shitty ass mistakes I made in the last one.

But I want to love someone, with my whole heart. That desire has never left me.

I want it to be Brett. I want it to be him, because it's impossible, because it's not right down the street, because he doesn't want me.

..and I will always want what I think I can't have. I want to be surprised at the fact that I might actually get it, despite all odds. That is the best kind of love, the type you don't think you deserve, but really deep down know you do.

I'm tired of waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment when my life starts. It's a feeling deep in my chest that i'm waiting to be ignited.

"Why do you love me?"
"Because you make me come alive."

You can think that i'm a child if you want, but these are the thoughts of a mature women. I've been around the block, given..I might have had my security blanket over my shoulders...but i've been there, i've been low and i've been high..

and right now..I just want to be something.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Dont look at my legs...

so ..yeah.. I was wondering where this would fit into my life..

when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive but, you see,
it's more productive than if i were to be happy

you might say it's self-destructive but,
you see, i'd kick the bucket sixty times
before i'd kick the habit

i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline i've tried everything

You're (your) only concerned with your hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading
makes me want to give myself a beating....

So..dont look at my fucking legs anytime soon.