Thursday, January 27, 2011

I messed up my shoulder at the gym. I saw the number on the scale and freaked, then over worked myself to try to compensate, but the truth of the matter is that you don't achieve changed quickly. True change takes time and effort, almost as much if not more than the effort you put in to get where you currently are.

It's about self discipline, of which I know almost nothing. I hate that about myself. Why is it that I always take more than I should because I know there will be more? I eat until I'm full, I spend money that I don't have, I sleep more than I need ect ect.

I want to try to have more focus, be more disciplined and shoot myself like an arrow at the target of things that I want.

I wish I could be more beneficial in my relationship with Mike. I wish I made more money and had more energy. Is it a bad sign that we haven't had sex in a month? Why aren't we more intimate with each other? How much of not being intimate has to do with the fact that I hate my body? Again. Does he hate his? Mine?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Today I felt fat, like really fat. At the gym I found out that I gained 5 more pounds instead of losing anything. I hated myself. My face got all ready during my work out. I don't know how I let it get this bad or why I let myself go this much. I want to get it back, I want to get my appetite under control.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm a stress eater for sure. I feel like I have this addiction and it's slowly killing my body. I don't want to be this way. I want to be fit.

In other terrible news I found out today that my building was sold to people who don't even live in the area. Grrreat. Things are going to be changing and this place i've been so lucky to live in might just go to pot.

I'm walking a tight rope here, I don't know how long I can keep going before I slip. No wonder I want to sleep it all away so badly.

The best part of my day, if there was one is when I listened to the waves of the pacific ocean during yoga and did some deep downward facing dog poses. That or the gym with Lauren where I hopefully worked off some of the major deposits I've been putting in my fatass account lately.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pizza/pasta/tacos this weekend.

I guess i've just become a lot more depressed since a certain someone moved away from me, and Joe won't talk to me for more than 3 mins at a time.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

well, the first day of classes went well, but my schedule is all messed up now.

I woke up at 5:30am this morning...I don't know how i'm going to stay up all night. Drugs, probably, and good music.

I'm doing laundry and watching the bears game right now (it's a massacre so far) and then I have to do my mother's hair before going home. I'm hoping I can take a shower and whatnot before work.

My dreams have been odd as of late..lots of zombie apocalypse and sex going on, I like it better when I sleep during the day. It has been nice to see the sun though.

I feel like I'm falling back into step with the person I see in my mind, the one I want to be in real life. If I could continue losing weight that would be great.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I started classes today, looks like every Tuesday and Thursday will mean getting up early to be at class at 8am. Early meaning 6am. I asked my boss not to schedule me on Monday's and Wednesday's, so that I can get to sleep early, but what I forgot was that I might have to suffer working on a day I went to class. I don't know what that's going to feel like.

Classes were okay, my art history is at 8am..we're studying med-evil to modern art and I'm hoping to gain enough of an understanding to purchase some nice painting for the apartment. My yoga class is okay, its very full, but i'm sure some people will drop out, and it's also not what i'm used to, it being Hatha yoga, and me having an Kundalini base...I hope I can appreciate it for what it has to offer...that class is at 11am

..after yoga I pick up Lauren from her house and make the trip over to the gym. Its nice to have someone to work out with, and it's nice to have the time set aside simply for working out. I hope that if I go regularly during the semester, at the end i'll be in better shape. I don't know if two days a week is enough. Maybe i'll try to go on sundays too.

I was supposed to have dinner with brett yesterday, but missed it because I was sleeping. I feel terrible about that.

Tonight Mike and I are going with his brother Nick and Debbie to go see the premiere of an live action Anime movie called Gantz...I hope it's good. Then on the way home Mike and I are going to stop into Late Bar to supposed this month's VSC...

I hope it isn't too cold tonight...NPR said it could hit -25...and as i'm finishing up this blog I can already feel the temperature dropping outside.

I'm missing a certain someone, and when I passed their street off of Mannheim I had to remind myself that I couldn't just pick them up for lunch if I felt like it, because they're in stupid Bloomington.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Moving forward..

I had a good night tonight. I went out with mike and two of his friends. Got some pizza, went to a bar and had some drinks. It was good, and I enjoyed myself, but I realized something when the night was coming to a close.

Things are beginning to shift a bit for mike and I, the rhythm of hanging out with my friends and doing things is shifting to hanging out with his friends. I'm happy for him that this is happening, because for a long time he's needed the company of the people he wanted to be close with, and after a long time it's finally happening.

But I'm sad for myself too, because it seems that the people I thought meant something to my life are all going in different directions. Samantha is long gone, she doesn't text or call, she has a new husband and a new life, and it's never occured to her to come back to see whats up, or call when she's in town or answer my phone calls.

..and now Masella is leaving? How am I going to deal with that? The one person I counted on to be there when I needed them isn't going to be there. I know it's something that's been a long time coming. Don't put your stock into a single man who has feelings for you right? They're eventually going to move on. Even though I knew it couldn't last forever, I'm scared for what the future is going to bring. He's the guy that understood my quirks when even my other friends didn't. He's the one who knew my dark side and liked it, wouldn't mind letting me cry or talk a mile a minute or laugh hysterically or be incredibly pissed off. He let me be myself around him.

Who the fuck am I going to be able to show myself to now?

Joe? Lauren? Someone I haven't met?

What friends do the future hold for me? Will people not like what they see in me? Was Masella too forgiving? Too tolerant? Too loving?

Am I ready for the world?

I'm not ready to lose the one friend that ever gave a damn, even if it was because he was in love with me. What does it mean that he doesn't find it the least bit hard to get up and go? That he's wanted for so long to run in the other direction?

I don't know where I go from here, and as the door is closing on this chapter of my life I can't help but feel like I'm alone in a dark room...all those monsters under the bed are now starting to creep out and all the demons I stuffed in the closet are trying to get free.