Monday, January 29, 2007

a little about me..

A lot has happened the last few ..weeks..and I finally had the nerve to sit down..and think about it all..I think that if you read'll understand me a little better..and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me..for things that I might have said or done that caused you pain..

When Eddie and I broke up, I was smashed to the ground. All of my plans were ruined, all of my heart was broken. The worst thing that I did during my healing process was pretending to be all right.

I jumped almost seamlessly from Eddie to Melissa and Steve, I wasn't ready for the change, at all, and I started picking out every little thing that wasn't Eddie. I missed Eddie. I thought about him constantly, every second of every day. I tried to hide it, but it didn't work.

The first time I had sex with someone else I was traumatized, I thought that it would help me, I hoped that I would feel better, like I moved on..I didn't. I just felt empty and as though I had lost something.

Brett saw that I was broken, more so then I had ever been before, and he saw the stupidity in my actions. I was attracted to the fact that he saw through my facade, my lies, and the mask that I had put up...he told me that it was ok to cry, it was ok to long or pine or whatever the hell I needed to do..

So I stopped pretending that my life was all right..that I was all right..

I should also put a note in here that at this time I was struggling very heavily with my love for my best friend. Although I was crushed that my plans for Georgia had failed there were certain things I found joy in, like the fact that I wasn't going to be leaving my best friend, it made me happy. I loved her. It wasn't until later that I realized that all she was trying to do was take care of me, in every way that she could, so much so that perhaps she offered up her boyfriend to me so that I wouldn't have to feel so any rate...I could love her back the way that she loved me, and I was so blinded by the pain of the breakup that I didn't see all of the good things that she was doing for me.

Melissa and Steve were a symbol of a different life, they were a mistake that I had already made, and moved on from. Yes, we had all grown, but to me they still stayed as a symbol of what I thought was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Eddie. What I did to him in the past, the first time I met Melissa and Steve...what I did hurt him more then anything else, and was the worst I have ever hurt another human being.

So I looked for someone, anyone else, I was still so afraid to be alone, but I didn't want to be with two people that reminded me of my worst mistakes. That's when I collided with Mike. His hand felt good on my shoulder, his words made me momentarily forget about my pain..and he looked kind of like Eddie.

I made myself believe that if I hurt this person it wouldn't matter, because he was an artist, he was looking for pain, for writing would be all right..

I have since realized that it was wrong, and apologized. He remains my friend, for reasons a bit unknown. We match, him and I, in a way that seems to make the pain in my life fade but not disappear.

But I still wasn't truly happy. Once again, Brett saw this, and the stupidity in it, and I fell just a little harder for the fact he could see through my wrong turns.

I finally settled on just being alone. I still missed Eddie, and maybe he started to miss me too, even though its more likely that he was just lonely. For whatever reason, we decided to see each other.

I'm still not certain on whether or not this was a mistake. I know that its sent me a little more then over the edge, but I also know that it renewed my faith in men, and helped me to remember my goals in life, and for this reason, I wouldn't take it back. Also the sex was amazing, so there's that too.

When I came home from Georgia, I was so much more broken then I had been before, there was no pretending this time. I really was broken. My insecurity's rose to the surface, my fear of being alone, my loneliness, my home life, my intelligence, my beauty, my friendships, my ability to reason and love and be was all put to the test, and it was all far too much for me to handle.

I freaked...worse then I have ever freaked in my life..there were no tears, just pain..and fear..

At first I put up the mask. "I'm all right, better then you actually." I ended up just coming off as a slut. I talked about sex a lot more then I should have, because I wanted to look confident. The people I loved started to leave, and I couldn't understand why. The last shred of my dignity went into making love to Brett before he left. I wanted to feel beautiful just one more time. I wanted to feel loved, just one more time. I wanted to feel something, anything, else.

Once he left I couldn't pretend anymore. I was like an addict going through a serious withdrawal, from what I don't know..but I started to everything in excess. Smoking, drinking, even pot. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be happy, or numb. When people asked me for help I pushed them away because I wasn't ready to help them, I wasn't even ready to help myself.

I wanted to die.

I went to sleep every single day for a week hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

...that's where I was at last week.

A handful of people that I care about stopped talking to me. Perhaps they were sick of my lies, my mask, or maybe they just had too much going on in their lives. It could be that like with me, before, I am a reminder to them of a bad time in their life. I would understand any of those reasons, but the sad fact is that I don't know the reason...maybe I do, in my heart.

My life is hard, but so is everyone else's.

So what brings us together?

..Hopefully it's the ability to stop and realize that, we are all each other has in this life...friends are hard to come by..

Will my group be kind enough to forgive me? Intelligent enough to realize that I have grown?

........I do not know...

I am ready, finally, after close to seven months, to let the mistakes of my past move forward with my life..

I can't look at pictures of Eddie and I without crying, without seeing all that could have been, and all that will never be..the that now I can accept that this is the way it is..and will be..

I only have myself..and what I make out of my own life.

...and..that's all I wanted to say..

Sunday, January 28, 2007

i'm just a walking my dog

I'm starting to question my sanity..
I feel like i'm acting insane..
I know that I am...

...I'm acting on impulse..because I am so deeply hurt...
...but I think I made a really big step today..
Today I decided that nothing is worth being this hurt over..
...nothing is worth being this fucked up..

So i'm just letting it go..

I have decided that I'm moving soon as possible.

I don't just say it for nothing..I really mean it when I say "I won't be here then..."
I don't plan on being here...

I'm not gonna lie, a certain situation fucked me up, really bad...and I'm about to get it out.
A good friend of mine dropped a load of secrets in my lap one day while I was driving, and it fucked my head up so bad for a really long time.. made me think about questions I'd never thought about before..

"What makes a friendship?"
"Under what circumstances do you keep a secret from someone you care about?"
"When is enough, really enough."
"How far do you go for someone you love?"

I think I've answered all of the questions..and I feel a lot more confident about me.
It feels good, in case you're wondering.

Over the past week i've said some fucked up a lot of people..
I'm not gonna lie...a lot of the time I was stoned..

I feel bad about all of the stuff I said..
I'm only sorry about a handful of things.

I think that once your around a group of people for so long..they start to believe that you can't change..I feel like my friends started to believe that I was incapable of change..because they were all changing so fast..

...I change too..

Uh...I should probably clear some stuff up..
but i'm not gonna...

All I know for sure is the following:

I am confident with myself and where I am going, and no one is going to take that away from me anymore.
I know who a handful of my true friends are, and I intend to spend time with those people.
I am not sorry for the things that I have done, I may question the way that I've done them, but i'm not sorry that they were done.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


I had a really insecure wasn't fun..

I climbed the wall at Dick's..only made it half way to the top..
I know it's because I psyched myself out..and because i'm out of shape..and because I pretty much tried to attack it..

it's okay..but it didn't really help the situation..

I also felt ugly ugly...I felt fat..and also like my clothes looked awkward on me..and then I felt awkward..

Which led to me feeling ...incapable with myself and my abilities I put on makeup..but it didn't get any better..

It didn't get better until I called Ed...and cried..and then he talked about how awesome he was and how i'm kinda..awesome too..but not AS awesome..and his ego made me feel better...sorta..

I guess I felt more confident..which was good because then I went out with Sam for coffee..and found out she's probably going to get back together with Brad..I'm happy for her...but it made me sad..because I have no love..

Then I went out with Emily to the hookah bar..and we stayed there until it closed..we were there for like ..4. hours or something outrageous like that..we just talked..about everything..mainly my past...and my childhood and hers and such...and we chilled with Ehab for awhile..which was cool...and we decided on the hookah we're gonna buy for the apartment..which led to a list of things we're gonna buy...which was fun..and reassuring...Emily in general is reassuring..which is why I think I like being around her so much..she pushes me..she's blunt when i'm stupid about things..and I like that..a lot..

I'm excited about my hair...I hope it looks good..I'm gonna get another tattoo and a nose piercing too...rock..

The one thing that's really up my ass right now is that my mother said she's pay my phone bill for me..and then she...didn't..but said she now it's like 100 instead of 50.....i'm really angry...especially because if this mistake means I don't get my 400 dollar security deposit back..i'm going to kill someone...


I'd really like to get this apartment with Emily and Laura Currie...I like them both..and I think it would be the best atmosphere for me to be in right now..we're all three people that are going places but like to party as the apartment would be....colorful..and clean at the same time..and they're girls so I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping with them when I was drunk..which is awesome..

I don't know..just my thoughts..
I got my check today...It made me feel so much better..

Melissa...and I...are pretty far as like..knowing each other is concerned..
I really did like what I saw of TJ...except for the driving of course..I respect her decision..and I'll let her's cool..

...Just that...we aren't going to be as close as we were in the past..because TJ is nothing like me..and I kinda felt like he was pretty ..there's that..

Plus...I'm single...and Lissa's ...not..which is kinda..not good..she doesn't understand where i'm coming from...and I don't understand where she's coming from..

It's in general...not..good...

Don't get me wrong..i'm not saying I don't want to be friends with her..i'm just saying..things are happening..and we're drifting...which has made me realize that this relationship I had with my "best friend" wasn't really what I thought it's more of a friendship of convenience then an actual..respect for the other person's life...I'll always love her..but she's more of a sister then a'll tell my brother Vince things..but not..everything..because I feel like certain things he just wouldn't understand..or would judge me for saying..

Plus..I can't really get over the fact that she bottled everything up from me..and then just unloaded it one day while I was driving..

I understand why she did it...I just..can't get over it...right now.. yeah...thats probably what I really came here to write about....and now i'm pretty tired because that was emotional...

Friday, January 19, 2007

I want to be a girl..

I want to create an image for myself..I want a style..I want a look..

I want to feel pretty all the time..
I want people to know who I am by looking at me

I really do all of these things

..I'm getting my hair done on Thursday..

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

how many more of these types of blogs?

Healthy relationships..that's what i'm into right now.

That's what i'm looking for..
I want to be around people that bring out the best of

I feel bad for you if you're not on that list of people but you know what?
I'm not sorry.

I'm vain, I'm shallow and i'm selfish..

and if you don't like it fuck you life is about ME

One more thing..

There are our society..I've become aware of this lately..and the unspoken rule of courtesy is that you don't show public displays of's rude..
and it makes me uncomfortable too..


Saturday, January 13, 2007


I am constantly reminded of the biggest mistake of my life..

I should just stop trying to fix my life..
Sometimes I think I should just give into this..

It's a long shot that he'll take me back..
and it's a long shot that he'll actually fall in love with me..

but they are the only two men I feel anything towards..

I need somebody new..

I need someone to sweep me off my feet

Monday, January 08, 2007

no one reads this anyway

No one reads this anymore I might as well pour my heart out..

Eddie I love you...I will always love you..
6 months since you fell out of love with me..and i'm still waiting..

A whole 4 days where we did nothing but talk about how I needed to move on..
and i'm still waiting..

EDDIE- you are the best thing that's ever happened to my life..
You bring me so much makes me speechless sometimes..

Your the only person I want..and I know...I know what I said..I know I said i'd try...and I am..I will..try harder..but in this this ..tiny little moment..

I would just like to say...that i'm sorry for my mistakes..
I'm sorry I was such a shitty fucking person..
I'm sorry I ruined our relationship..

*starts crying*

I'm sorry I cheated..I'm so sorry..I'm so so sorry..

I would give anything..anything..
I will miss you forever..

I'll miss your smell..your smile..your touch..

I'm crazy..I know I am..
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize what I had..
I'm sorry i'm not perfect..
I'm not good enough, pretty enough..stable enough..for you to love me back..

I want you to be proud of me..
I'm changing my life..

I'm not a cheater anymore..

...never again..

And I REFUSE to surround myself with people who are.

Be proud my love..
and know that I miss you..

God I hope this helps..I hope writing this down helps..

I want it out of my system..

I want to move on..because I dont want to become creepy..

...I guess what i'm saying here is..goodbye..I will always love you...and i'm sorry..for everything I did..