Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I find it really funny that my father called me today. Yesterday I was telling mike how I'm finished wanting his help, his approval and his love. He has not contacted me in months, even though he's now living and working a mere 20 minutes from where I live.

I started thinking maybe Vince had it right, maybe its useless to try to force something that was never there to begin with..and I decided I don't want to try to shove him into a box he'll never fit in.

..and then he calls me today. It's like he felt the unleash of my emotions and knew he better call because it's now or never.

I didn't answer. I don't think I'm going to. He can leave a message if he wants to speak with me, because from now on I'm screening. Screening my emotions and stilling my heart against his "almost" love.

This beef and cheese nonsense is almost over, and I'm going to pursue Loyola and the gym hard, I'm going to flesh out my body and my mind until I'm happy with what I see in the mirror.

It's Yule today..something special is supposed to be happening, but unfortunately I didn't work out the foresight or desire to work through that ahead of time.

Sometimes I don't mind letting what fades away go...like my relationship with Samantha or Brett, my relationship with my Dad or holidays like Yule...
..I have my family, and he's taking a shower in the other room. I don't mind spending every day on the sofa with him resting his head between my legs. It's awesome in that place, and I don't care what the world thinks about me.

My friends give me that...Masella does, and so does Joe...a place where I know I'm protected and nurtured from the outer judgements and persecutions of others, and it's nice in that place too.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Only justin from blue october knows my pain. Why can't he actually hold me the way he does in my dreams.

Strip club. I thought i'd be okay with it until I realized that you were getting private dances. More intimate, more wrong. I'm probably a hypocrite, but I don't care. It struck a massive jealously cord inside my stomach. I can't look at you, I want to rip your throat out.

Obviously it's very animalistic.

Meanwhile, i'm pretty much done with beef and cheese. I want this week to end, I want to have a nice christmas with my family, and then I want to start to get back to my normal life. My gym, and all.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I disappearing into the snow.

I find myself sitting on the futon after a long time, mike in the bedroom, far too often.

I changed it up last night. Slept in the bed.

I really do want to have a dinner for Yule. I was thinking about making a big pasta dish. Or chicken? I don't know..I was thinking of what it would look like, candles all lit, people sitting and talking, maybe I'd pass around a bowl of questions. Alcohol. I wonder if Samantha would come out. I'd really like that.

I want to do it..but i'm scared it will be a bust.

Maybe I won't do it...maybe i'll just continue to disappear. It's easier.

I need to get my car fixed, do the laundry, finish Christmas shopping, and take care of myself a bit more.

...and maybe connect with my boyfriend..if he'll let me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So im feeling massively overrun. Completely in complete and totally lost. Dont worry, im okay with it.
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Monday, December 06, 2010

Getting back into work today. I think i'm going to go in after all the drama has commenced. I'm just finished with all that nonsense.

Nonsense in general it starting to become something that sends me in the other direction. I'm tired of people not saying what they mean or what they feel.

More over..I need to worry about myself, and my family. That's what the few precious days of time off has shown me. My fiance', my mother and my brothers are the most important people in my life right now...christmas is coming, and christmas eve is going to be at my place, something i've looked forward to for a long time. I want to be prepared. A christmas tree, maybe a wreath and some lights...good food cooking in the kitchen and candles lit all over my apartment..and presents.

I don't have a lot of money to spare this year, and what money I do have needs to go to the people who matter the most.

I've heard countless people stating reasons why I won't be getting a present from them this year. I want them to know, it's fine by me, and I hope they understand that it goes both ways.

I'm thinking about myself, and I'm thinking about my family, and that's the most imporant thing right now, for my happiness my sanity and my dignity.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

The snow looks more beautiful on the lake and around my building than I could have possibly hoped for. I can't wait to get a tree and decorate my apartment a little.

I spent the day in bed though.

I was hiding away today. I was not ready to brave streets and drivers and employees and parents today.

Plus Anne of Green Gables was on TV...okay okay I know what you're thinking, that I'm a total dweeb..and you're right, I am. I don't care, because Anne of Green Gables ROCKS. (For those who have no clue what I'm talking about, it's an old school movie based off of a book written 100 years ago about a girl who lives in this beautiful countryside at the turn of the century. It's little house on the prairie for grownups.

So tonight I'm making dinner for my mom. Something i've wanted to do for a long time, but haven't been able to because of the state of my apartment and my life. Rosemary and lemon chicken with a side of broccoli and cheese as well as some tomato Parmesan pasta and the kicker- fresh baked biscuits. She is going to freak. Plus I got a bottle of champagne. The best, Korbel.

Something about treating others makes me feel so good inside.

I'm really enjoying the holiday season. I'm not letting it rush past me this time. I'm slowing down and letting it just happen.

...I was thinking of inviting a small group of friends over for Yule..

Thursday, December 02, 2010

I woke up to the phone buzzing, and I wasn't really sure where I was this morning. I knew I was cold, and that my throat was in pain...I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes, trying to acclimate to ...my life, I guess? After a couple of minutes I was able to get my body up and into the bathroom.

That's when the pain started, in my calves and arms. My wrist in particular. I shouldn't have climbed so high in the storage unit yesterday, shouldn't have thrown that box thinking it wouldn't come back down on me. Shouldnt have tried to take care of everything by myself...

I wrapped myself in every scarf I could find, and put my coat and boots on to move my car.

Don't worry, no ticket on my car..no flat tire or anything..just me in the cold by the lake this morning. Even with the cold wind stinging my face the lake still looks beautiful. I still can't take my eyes away, even after 7 months.

I was remembering the first day..when we walked along the lake path down by lake shore drive...how the water was a sky blue instead of the ice gray it was this morning, how you could smell it's sweet scent in the air, and feel the weight of it. How we debated the pros and cons of the apartment, and what it would be like to live in a place next to such a force.

Things are colder now, the lake seemed oddly quiet today..and as I walked back into the apartment I couldn't help but think about how I didn't know it was going to be this hard.

We prevail...and just because a job might end or a bills might pile up does not mean we can't push through. You've shown me that numerous times...so I believe we can prevail when it comes to us..to our relationship. I love talking to you...your fast paced descriptions of life and all its contents. I love how articulate you are...you're like my own Robert downy jr. I love that you've learned to match me in fights. You don't curl into that shell anymore, you dominate with opinion and sincerity.

I wish you would show the same force in other relationships, because you shouldn't take shit from anyone.

I want to show you everything in London..I want to show you the tower, and walk the bridge with you. We can take a day and go see Shakespeare's house if you wanted too, there is so much...and I really want it to happen..maybe we could aim for June?

Northlake weighs you down..those shitty suburbs where everything seems so breakable and expensive. I wish I could stay in the boarders of the city more often, I wish I could appreciate my apartment and burn incence and cook today..

..but there are responsibilties waiting for me...and it's almost time to wake you up.

Monday, November 29, 2010

So I'm thinking "yeah whateva" today.

I know I should care more about my mall, I know the system wants me to be so scared that I shove the training down their throats. Not me. Not anymore. I'm a realistic person, and I'm not going to be run by unrealistic ideas or what someone else wants me to do.

I've been thinking about skipping town. A lot.

That monster of a girl who comes out when feeling threatened...she's peeking out today.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Pausing for a moment to write down some thoughts.

Jenny from work scares the shit out of me. I haven't gone up against anyone in quite sometime. All my friends are guys, so I've managed to lay low on the drama scale. Then there comes this girl from work. She's put words in my mouth, bitched about me behind my back, ect ect.

I don't know how to proceed here. My mind is telling me to just ignore it, just freeze and make the minimum amount of attention..but I still feel scared.

I'm sure there's strength inside me, an animal ready to attack at the very moment I feel threatened. I don't know if I want to let her out of the cage...for now I will take the path of least conflict and hope that most of my friends will be able to work it out for themselves that I'm not whatever she might say that I am..

In other news I've decided that Monday means back on the diet train. I still want to lost 15 pounds by Christmas, my gift to myself. I know I can do, and starting Monday I'm going to give it my best shot.

I'm happy to have cleaned the apartment. The front room still needs some work...maybe I'll be able to get to that tonight...and laundry.

Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time in the fantastical world and not enough in real life. It probably isn't good to float on clouds for too long I don't want to drift back down to earth to find that because I wasn't paying close enough attention I let the things that matter most just slip away from me.

It has come to my attention that I have no idea what I'm doing. I am BARELY making my way through this life. I'm sure as hell not taking a conventional approach, and the reason I've managed to make it this far is because mike provides for me.

...sometimes I look at him, brushing his teeth or looking for a clean pair of pants and I hate myself for letting him work so hard. I look at him so tired and barely alive and hate myself for taking everything from him and not giving enough back.

It really wasn't his responsibility to clean the apartment. He pays the bills. The least I can do is make sure he has a clean home and clean clothing to come home to. That and maybe a hot meal. AT LEAST.

I would probably do well to remember that.

Make the appointment at Loyola Ally.

I don't want to owe anything to anyone.

That's a goal i'm setting for myself. To become 100% self sufficient.

...but in the immediate future i'll settle with just not forgetting to say thank you to those who provide for me.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Today was the perfect day. Why? Because of you. I got to be with you almost all day. You fed me excellent food, joked around with me all day, and the sex. Amazing.

I wish you could know how entirely I am yours. My entire heart and soul are wrapped up in you.

Thank you, thank you for taking me today.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

My personal trainer mentioned today that I am the type of person who tends to let things build up to a boiling point. I could not help thinking about how dead right that statement is for me. I've been over eating since I got back from New Orleans.

New Orleans...this trip that was supposed to mark a changed Alexandria, a more self actualized me...turned out to be a bust in every way. I did not make my flight, illustrating that I'm not a person of punctuality. I made a decision to invite a friend without thinking about what that would entail. I cried instead of taking a deep breath and attempting to solve the problem rationally.

In truth I am no where near the finished product I view in my head as a completed "me" and New Orleans was a rude awakening to that fact.

Since getting back I've felt down, and I have been struggling to pick myself back up. I'm depressed, more than I have ever been before. It has nothing to do with the world around me, and everything to do with how disappointed I consistently am with the actions I choose within my world. I do not make myself proud.

I cry myself to sleep a lot. Okay- all the time, especially if Mike's not there with me. It does not seem to matter how hard I try during the day. No matter how many smiles I force or how much energy I build up, at the end of the day when I lay my head on that pillow at night, I don't like the person I am, and my stomach sinks with the thought of having to wake up and do it all over again.

Sometimes I wish I could live in the blackness.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I feel this slow creeping numbness, and it scares me. I push against it, more and more drastically because I want to feel something, but if I don't back off and slow down..if I don't stop, someone is going to get hurt.

I know in my heart that the best way to regain feeling, and emotion is to break from every stimulus and then slowly reintegrate everything.

You don't touch me for days, but when you finally rest your hand on the back of my neck, or slide your fingers under my shirt to undress me, I'm on fire. No one does that to my body the way you do. No one knows how to make me blush inside.

I want to find a way to make more time. I want to watch you sleep in peace, with out the hanging fear that you'll have to wake at any minute. I want you to feel clean, relaxed and at peace. I want to do anything and everything in my power to make you comfortable.

I complained, and you tried harder. I told you what I wanted, and you kept yourself up longer to give it to me. I don't know what I did to deserve your undying devotion, but I'm thankful for it. It brings me to my knees when you're not looking. Let me give it back to you. Tell me all your undisclosed desires. Let me make it right.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Thought I would take some time to write a real blog.

My dad is supposed to be here in chicago all week. I called him yesterday, but he still hasn't called. How hard is it to call? Even if it's just to say he's too busy to do something.

The whole thing pisses me off because I know he'll play the "you never called me" card.

I still need to make an appointment at Loyola. I'm gearing myself up for that.

I was thinking of putting together a small Salon at my house with 10 or so people and some drinks and food. Just an evening to talk with each other, maybe pass around a bowl of ice breaker questions. Could be fun to have some people together at least once this winter. Lady A used to throw these types of parties, and I find myself missing them greatly. Bars are okay, but nothing like having the quiet relaxed atmosphere of a living room with candles lit and good conversation.

I feel a lot like the song "Firework" by Katy Perry at this point in my life.
Make me feel like I'm only girl in the world.

Take me to France.

Take me...somewhere.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

I sat down to write this blog, and I wasn't quite sure what to talk about. I rattled on to myself about relationships and problems and things I want to vent out, but in the end I thought to myself, "ambition". I don't want to continually wallow in the problems. They're there, and probably always will be, and sure maybe they're worse then ever, but I don't want to concentrate on that.

I want to think about where I want to go.

New Orleans didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, because I haven't been turning out the way I'd hoped.

Become more sociable, that's a goal of mine for sure.

Become and maintain an active lifestyle is another.

The big one, the one I am most afraid of falling through, is to finish school.

I have a dream for myself, and for my life, and I believe in that dream very strongly, but I haven't seen myself move toward that dream in a long time. I used to be this bull headed creature who plowed towards what I wanted with strength and confidence, I'm much more like the ram now, with the same momentum but no direction. I'm hitting walls left and right because I don't have the foresight to aim for the door and break out of the room.

I'd like more focus, and more stability....well, perhaps I have enough stability, and what I really need it to just believe it exists.

Faith in those around me, and trust in the world.

I'd like to visit the Baha'i temple sometime soon, and eat more Indian Food. I really like Indian food.

That's a wrap for now, I'd like to end it on a good note.