Saturday, October 24, 2009

This warp speed thing is happening...I feel like we're traveling in slipstream..or the moment before..where your body is being propelled forward so fast that it appears slow.

..I don't know what's going to happen...and I feel a little bit like i'm losing control of it..

...Do you want to be with other woman?

I know I fucking suck as a girlfriend...but please don't cheat on me...I really do love you more than life itself.

....I wish you could believe me.

I wish I could look into your heart and know for sure if you love me, or if you're just playing me until you find that perfect girl...

...I can be your perfect girl...Please Please Please give me that more time..

I won't screw it up this time around.

You are worth it.
You are the best man.
I lovedjew.

....I really wouldn't have come back if I didn't..

Saturday, October 17, 2009

What happened to my saturday?

I woke up feeling like everything that happened yesterday...all the drama I perpetuated was so stupid and idiotic.

I don't know why I do the things I do...bottom line is that I love Mike..

...I'm sorry to say that I think it all happened because I was bored.

Okay...hard and true fact....I am a bitch. A Bitch.

I looked around at my life...and although I like so many aspects of what I can not be denied that the way I function in my environment is quite selfish. I undermine people..I fuck them over, use them abuse them..

I did lead Steve on...why? Because it was Hot.

But nothing is hotter then where the night ended up going...nothing is hotter then ending up with the man I love and lust for..

I ...want to control myself..but I'm so young...I also want to let myself free. It's a weird situation that needs a comfortable medium.

Dancing would help.
Dancing and Drinking, and having fun...outside...with others.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Nightmares and Dreamscrapes

I feel like this is all fleeting.

I'm driving myself crazy over Joe. I didn't want to say it out loud...I don't know if I can say it out loud. I'm going crazy. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he okay? ...even as I'm writing it I realize that it's nonsense. Who cares? What does it matter? What would it do for me?

Nothing...this is so stupid..

Maybe the real problem is that my boyfriend doesn't trust me for shit. I feel like I have no trust no freedom, and that he's going to leave me at any second.

I know I deserve this....I deserve this...I deserve this..

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be a good person.
Most of the time I feel like everyone in my family hates or could care less about me.

Mike is the only family I have. Why am I constantly threatening that?

Would therapy help?
Maybe I should get some religion.
Some serious religion..


I am so scared that I am going to fuck up my life beyond repair..I'm scared that Mike will stop loving me.

..I don't think I could cope with either of those things.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Lately everyday is exactly the same

I'm getting that thing where I start to dislike the routine of my life. Not my life per-say, but the way that everything is exactly the same everyday...nothing ever changes.

Halloween is coming up, I'm hoping for a break from the looks like Mike and I might be heading over to Iowa, to see Riebana and Jon...I really really really hope that plays out, because I miss them, and I really need a break...and a road trip :)

Not that my car would make it...urgh...the battery is acting funny...sometimes my car doesn't want to start...hopefully it just needs to acclimate to the cold weather.

My mind is still that case you're wondering. Only I've upgraded my weapons and shit...i'm trying to take on the nightmares head on...

On another note, I'm totally addicted to Twilight, the New Moon book in particular. Jennifer should read it. Because she'd love it.

...Nov 20th...