Sunday, October 29, 2006

so i'm a bit upset

Time: 5:56pm

So...I feel..icky..

We're really over..
Why did I buy birthday presents..

Oh shit.

I don't want to be this girl..

I don't want to be this girl anymore..

I guess this is my giving up song?
You win..babe..

We can split germany right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take berlin and we'll call it even

you call it over and i call you psycho
significant other?
just say we were lovers!
And we'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Disgused as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted
I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business
and speak when I'm spoken to

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud, I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked!

And if we should see one another in passing
Aespite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
(there must be some kind of mistake)

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on unamerican

My place may be taken, but make no mistake
I can say without shame That you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding No safe covers
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do

Friday, October 27, 2006

Am I just tired..or am I tired?

I'm tired.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I know what's gonna eventually happen, I can feel it

I'm gonna wear myself out and whatever pieces are left will be picked up by someone

...and i'll just be with them..

a broken person..

Honestly I don't know
maybe i'll push through this..

maybe I wont..

It's a weird time in my life currently

Every thing ..all my emotions are so scrambled and bleh..

Maybe i'll learn how to let go..

right now i'm just tired..

Tired..of everything.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

God I feel for you..

Long weekend..

Thursday: 3 hour drive to see "Blue Man Group" and then a 3 hour drive back
Friday: Class and then "Dresden Dolls" concert
Saturday: Carving Pumpkins and then "Too Much Light"

I am seriously tired.
and my head hurts..

....I have way too good of a life..

Denny's at 3 in the morning...ha..I could barely stay awake long enough to eat my fries..

I miss Amanda..

Lissa and I have been bickering..
Maybe we're just not off our periods yet..

It doesn't matter..we love each other..

As far as my love life goes...

At Too Much Light they asked everyone who was in a relationship to stand at one point and I thought about standing, I even started to..and then I sat...and you know? I was okay with that..

Because I'd rather not get hurt at all..

Alone is good.

...I think I can do this alone thing...

...Especially with Eddie....keeping me


I told him yesterday...

"You broke my heart, and then you saw the pieces of it hit the floor and you got scared, so you picked them up, and now your holding them in your hand..."

...but holding them in the wrong way is gonna make my heart heal funny...

I can already feel that happening.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I need a shower

I need a shower

I realized that I can just type and my blog automatically turns the font to white.
That's the shit.

I think I pretty much have normality back,
I feel a lot better.

Stupid period.


That breakdown was pretty bad though..
I don't know how i'm gonna clean up this mess i've made..

*harder sigh*

There are three colleges in IL that I can go to for interpreting school..
and Columbia..

I'm leaning towards Columbia because it's a university..
I think I might look around in other states..but the language is different
So it would be better for me if I stayed here..

I have a least one more year at Triton though..

Man I need a shower..

I forgave Mike..
Maybe that wasn't the best idea..
It'll play out..


Eddie is a headache I give myself..

I should just not worry about him..
I'm just..not...gonna worry about him..
He'll be fine..

He'll find happiness..
and as soon as he does..
I'll let go.

It's probably better this way..
I've found that if someone waits for you
They really do love you.

So..we'll see how that goes..

Wherever this road takes me..I know happiness is at the end of it..

...I hope...I hope happiness is at the end of it..

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I forgot to say

I'm sorry..

For whatever that's worth..i'm sorry that I just walked away the way I did.

For some reason I thought neither of you would understand why..
But you do..

Thank you for understanding..

I don't know what my plan is ..

right now i'm just...waiting..

waiting for something to happen with my emotions.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

2:40 pm

okay...I've completely lost it.

100% gone crazy.

I could wait forever.
I would wait forever.
I will long as it takes...

I don't think it's possible for me to ever have a love like the one I had with Eddie.
Yeah..sometimes it was terrible..
Yeah..sometimes I wasn't even in love with him..

...But at least it was fuckin real.

And if I have to wait forever to get back to that..

...I will.

100% insane right now.

Maybe i'll find someone better.
I don't want someone better..
...not right now, not at this second

I want Eddie.

Even if it's just for a fucking second...



....I'm tired...i'm so fucking tired of not loving anyone..

The truth? The honest to god truth?
The only time I feel love is when i'm on the phone with him..

and even's this faded memory of what I used to have.
He's right...he's absolutely right when he says i'm hanging on..

I fucking am.
I am hanging on with every muscle in my body..

because if I let go..

....that means i'm alone...

and I hate being alone..
alone hurts
alone makes me write blogs like this..

....I need to be underneath someone who fucking loves me..
...who I love back.

Even if it's just one more time..before I die..

and I dont even care how fucked up I am right now
I dont care.

Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

Where am I in terms of getting over Eddie?

I know he isn't coming back. I know that.
I know that even if he came back, it's not time for us to be together.

I still love him..i'm still in love with him..'s different that full on lust...but it's still..lustful...

He's my friend.

He's my best friend.

..and all I really want is to enjoy being his friend...
and maybe sometimes have sex...

I've learned that having sex with someone doesn't automatically mean you love them.
My mistake.

But when you find that person that you sleep with..because you love them..'s so good.

That you only meant well (well of course you did)
That's it all for the best (oh yeah you know it is)
That's it's just what we need (who decided this)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Pain killer..

I like this new blog..

...I think we'll do it like this for awhile..

Saturday, October 14, 2006


I've just hit a fence
I blacked out before I hit it..
on 25th ave..
I'm not..telling anyone..

Maybe the circumstances of my life are a bit more serious then i'd like to admit..

The dust has only just begun to fall...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Better pack your bags and run
Or stay until the job is done
Baby you could sit and hope
That providence will fray the rope
And sink like a stone
Or go it alone

There will consequences that come along with breaking up with the person who was previously my best friend.
There will be consequences that come with hurting her feelings.
There will be consequences that come from deciding to pick the same classes of the person your attempting to be in a relationship with..

There isn't much chance of coming out clean.

....but...I can breathe..
I'm not worried about my emotions anymore
..And if loosing her is a consequence of living the way I want to
...then I have to do that..

It hurts...really bad..
the thought of not having her in my life at all...
That hurts.

but it doesn't hurt as bad as it would if I forced myself to be happy.. I know i'm doing the right thing..
The right thing for me..
for my sanity.

I need to be ...single..
I need to look around..
To shop around..
to go to a real college..

To be a real person.

Just one peron.
Not a 1/3 of a person..

If no one understand that..okay.
Because I do..

and I think that's all that matters..

And isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
Isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
For you...

And isn't it enough to prove today's the day?
Isn't it enough to prove today's the day?

Friday, October 13, 2006

It'll play out however it plays out.. it is..

I'm not ready.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not happy.

So..i'm gonna work on those things first, if that's okay with you..

I'm tired of not caring about how I feel..

not anymore.

I will not push my emotions aside anymore, to try and make someone else happy..
I just can't do that anymore..

It hurts my body...and you know what?

That was okay for awhile..because I was making you happy (steve)
but...I can't get hurt anymore..I don't like forcing myself to do something because people are telling me it's the right move..

I'm gonna figure out what the right move is for myself, if that's okay with you..

I'm sorry to you Steve..i'm sorry for emblishing the truth..
but you seemed so confident that you loved me..and that was..overwhelming..especially for someone who had just come out of a relationship...and didn't feel loved..

I let myself get caught up in the fact that you said you would take care of me..that you said you would never leave me..that you made all these promises...and I was so caught up that I wasn't even thinking of my own emotions...but i'll tell you the truth...

I don't really know you..
and I don't know if I can love you..

because I dont know if I can love anyone right now..

I know people only care about their own emotions..and I know there must be an ocean of thoughts spinning around in your head..and I can understand that..but eventually..I hope you'll forgive me for lying...
I just wanted you to be happy..

and I thought your promises would be enough..but they just aren't...and i'm so sorry..

..and to Melissa..

I can't make you happy..not in the way you want me to..
I'm not that least...i'm not right now..
I'm still in love with Eddie..and it's gonna take some time for that to fade..
I'm still in love with Brett...and that's gonna have to play out..

I'm sorry if you feel like I led you on..
But like I said...I did what I thought you wanted..and I thought my happiness would just..follow..
but it didn't.


I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to think..
I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to feel...

I'm not happy...and I'm not making either of you happy..

I'm not healthy..and I'm just going to end up hurting both of you if you force me to stay any longer..

I'm so sorry..for any pain you're feeling..for any anger..

If you think I cheated you out of something i'll make it up to you however you want me too..

...okay...that's...pretty much it..

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill

Monday, October 09, 2006

... the desire to scream will turn into silent tears if you wait long enough...

I've been falling into these holes lately. I cry for the death of my past. The fadeing of my memories. I can't remember how it smelt. I can't remember what it looked like..I remember how I felt..but what is that worth..I feel things everyday. All these people do all this talking, about what we've lost..what we think we have..

It's all bullshit.

I'm going to die one day..
and no matter how much i've lived
I will never have really lived.

"You will never be more beautiful then you are now,
we will never be here again.
Everything is more beautiful,
Because we're doomed"

"What do you want Al?"
"I want it to not hurt anymore.."

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

"I want something?"
"The soundtrack to The Last Kiss"

This is the straw, final straw
in the Roof of my mouth
as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry
doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it at the time

"He'd get me anything I needed.."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. It's like..he's everything I could ever need in a relationship"
"What about what I want?"

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

"We're all striving to get back to something that we had once..
but I can't even remember what it felt like when I was there.."
"But you know it was great."
"Was it?"

Sunday, October 01, 2006

October here I come!


I love October so much!!
I have two concerts to go to for sure, six flags
and sex

Lots of sex
I like sex
Especially when I love the people i'm having it with

I have a good good feeling about this month
I forsee good things

I forsee healing
and love
And sex
and life

I am so looking forward to this shit