Friday, July 29, 2011

Goodbye Mike Masella.

The truth is that I've been thinking about what to say on this matter for a long time. At times I've been almost tortured by the fact that I could push someone away who knew me so thoroughly, inside and out.

I've contemplated about who I truly am as a person. The actions, both good and bad that I have taken and where the road I've walked has led me.

I find that I am finally tranquil.

Today I heard these words and realized that sometimes the best thing for everyone is to just let go, and move on. I knew I would do it in my own time. I just didn't know how to say;

Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right, because we were never meant for do or die

I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better,
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Thinking about you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another, who doesn't always make you want to cry.

Please know that I love you so,
I loved you enough to let you go.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Only you can heal inside.

When it comes to love..I don't understand the greater part of how it works. When I look at someone like Michael, and try to understand how he can love me so unconditionally, so compassionately and with so much forgiveness it starts to make me tear up.

How can people exist that can love you so entirely? So unwaveringly?

I lump myself together with the masses of people who get overwhelmed and obsessed with too much of their own desires and goals to truly care for someone else. I know if there was a hell, I would end up there. I know that if sinners are separate from the rest, I am grouped with the sinners.

I have done horrible things in my life, without any care for the women, men and children I might
have hurt on the way.

I have not walked a righteous path. I blame no one for my actions.

But I do want to gain insight into why I am the way that I am. What is it that makes me decide to act the way that I do?

I used to think it was an overwhelming fear of death. I would concentrate endlessly on the fact that life is too short not to take risks. I never wanted to look back on my life and say "I wish I had done that."

..I'm getting to the point where life is too short to act the way I always have.

It's too short to lose the one person who puts all his faith into my heart.

I don't want to walk through life feeling like I'm a bad person. I don't want to feel so comfortable with the burning mass of sinners. The nightcrawlers. The wretched.

How do I attain absolution? Do I need absolution before I can begin walking a more righteous path or can I just start down that road today, right now at this moment?

What is certain is that I am tired of making mistakes. I am tired of hurting the one's I love the most. I don't want to sabotage the healthy relationships that I have.

I said I wanted a healthy relationship with a male who knows boundaries and loves me as a friend. Alex walked into my life and gave me that without asking for anything but my friendship in return. He's everything that Masella could never have been. He's everything that I need to satisfy myself, and he's not going anywhere.

I need to let myself be satisfied.

"Only you, can heal your life. Only you can heal inside."

Anathema gets right to the heart of the solution. Thank you to Lady A for showing be this song, for Alex for loving it as much as I do, and for whoever listens to it for taking the time.