Thursday, August 31, 2006

Stuck in my head..and my heart aswell

I had a problem with just giving over to trust...I fought it..and it eventually bit me in the ass...and now I don't know what to do about that..I should probably just let it go..start over...and that wouldn't be so hard except that...i've lost something...someone...who was so amazing..for all of his faults..

How do I let that go?

...I don't know...
I don't know how to heal..

Someone help me..

This is a war
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
I hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for
Holding on to your grudge
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love

We're consentrated on falling apart
We were contenders, now throwing the fight
I just want to believe...I just want to us

So let it go
This is the grace only we can bestow
This is the price you pay for loss of control
This is the break in the bend
This is the closest of calls
This is the reason you're alone
This is the rise and fall

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Sign language is the coolest class in the entire world! Whoop.
That's all.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

umm..excuse me ..

I need some space.
I need all of the people that "like me" to back the fuck off for two seconds so I can breathe..I can't breathe..I feel like i'm being smoothered

...Give me some space...I don't know who I am or what I want yet..

..There. That feels better.

Monday, August 28, 2006 hard...what?

I love all my classes..except sociology..

Astronomy is currently my favorite...philosopy and public speaking are close seconds..

Haven't started sign language i'm not sure where that falls

It's work though...a lot of work...I just read 25 pages of ...nothing..bleck

I'm not really having that good of a day to tell you the truth..
I should be..

I got a lap top..and my classes are good...and everything is seemingly fine..'s not.
I'm shaking underneath...

I'm bloody shaking..

I saw steve 'o today...and he was like "Al..never thought i'd be seeing you at TRITON"


umm...I pretty sure i'm relapsing..because of a stupid comment someone who doesn't even know me said..that's not healthy..


*looks around*

...*walks away from the computer*

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I need you so much closer..

I tried writing..and nothing is coming out right... It's all way to complex for me to make sense of read the lyrics and i'll tell you why

Because these are my thoughts..don't write them off just because someone else published them better then I could..dammit.


And so it is Just like you said it would be Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is The shorter story No love, no glory
And so it is
Just like you said it should be We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is The colder water
Did I say that I love you?
Did I say that I want toLeave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you...
'Til I find somebody new
- The Blower's Daugther

Please don't make me cry
Please don't make me cry
I'm just like you, I know you know
I'm just like you, so leave me alone

I wonder, why cant you see
You’re just not near enough like me
With your telescope eyes, metal teeth
I can’t be seen with you, you see
Please don't make me cry


These streets Turn me inside out
Everything shines But leaves me empty still
And I'll burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I'll change my world for you
I'll stay with you

I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you, turn me toward the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?
- Smashing Pumpkins

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do About you now


Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through
- All American Rejects

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
And she will be loved
She will be loved
-Maroon 5


She shines In a world full of ugliness.
She matters when everything is meaningless.
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty.
She tries to get away.

Sometimes, it's just that nothing seems worth saving.

I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.

He reads the minds of all the people as they pass him by,hoping someone can see.
If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me.

I won't let you fall apart
It's something I have to do.
I was there, too,before everything else,I was like you.

-Nine inch nails

Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out
She was a day Tripper
A one way ticket

Tired to please her
but she only played one night stands
She's a day tripper
and it took me so long
to find out
What I found out.
-The Beatles

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Whatever this phase is..I'm pretty sure I don't like it

..Everything will be all right, Everything will be all right..

5 o'clock this morning, and i'm smack in the middle of a really really bad thunderstorm.
One that's involving my fucked up life, and the other that involves the wheather.

I have a message on my phone where my new ex-boyfriend is telling me he's contemplating suicide (again) only this time he's seeing monsters that are yelling at him and ..doing other monster like things.


Steve is in a lot of pain because of his eyes, and he's every other thought in my head he okay, should I be over there..ect

I'm tired, more tired then i've ever been..

Everything is on me, every decision I make is souly mine, every person I hurt, every person I make happy is based on the decisions I make..and it's too much..

I hurt someone really bad..and I honest to god didn't mean to ..

It wouldn't have mattered what I did in the situation..I would have hurt someone.

Suicide...I pushed someone to suicide..
I have to live with that.

I'm incredibily fucked up right now..

I'm not really sure how much farther I can fall..and I haven't even started college yet..
This is awesome.

You love the things I say I'll do The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you You take away when I give in My life My pride is broken

Everytime I have a problem my retort is "I'm not even supposed to be here"
Well I am here.
So I'm not saying that anymore.

I am here, and I WANT to be i'm not leaning on a future that was never going to happen anymore.

The clock ticks life away.

Look at me..i'm so pathetic...stuggling to hang on to something, anything that will make me happy for a moment.

I used him...not conciously..but reguardless..I used him...


I was a kid when I met eddie, a child, a girl..I didn't know what I was doing..and it was all passion

I grew up.

Now love is more practical..more realistic, less story-book...with spurts of passion..

I have to take a man I love to the doctor today..and all I know right now is that ..that's real..that's life..

I know that Three people have a stronger base then two people..

I know that mike and I would have ended up just like Eddie and I ...only I would have been the coward..from the beginning..and I couldn't hurt him like I stopped it before it wasn't too late.

I know that I want a future that will make me happy..I want to have a child with someone, I want to have good sex once and awhile..I want to help make dinner..I want to watch movies in the living room..I want a big bed with a canopy like lissa likes...

I want to make all of that..
I want it more than I want anything or anyone else.

So i'm in this. Let's do it.

Something just happened to me..Eddie just disappeared. From my thoughts from my life
I felt it. Right now.

I want to stand up
I want to let go.
I'm so much older then I can take.
And my affection..well it comes and goes.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Why do we hurt people that never hurt us..

Mood: Exhausted
Music: We will become silhouettes by: Postal Service

I know that a lot of people have been reading my blog lately...and that's cool..

..but I tend to write for an audience when I know that people are reading..

...This blog is different.
This one is for me.

So Mike and I have crashed and burned.
I wasn't ready.
I'm not..ready..

..and I just...

...I made a mistake..

I feel like such a shitty fucking person. I am going to hurt someone..because I wasn't clear..because I led him on..because I ...just...


Eddie wants to make this whole "getting over each other" thing seem like a fucking race...well..guess what?
I'm dropping out.

Fuck it.

I know i'm not okay.

But I know this: I will be. plan:

Be single...sort of ...for awhile..until I can heal enough to where I'm not hurting a relationship with the people I really want to be with..

No more racing, no more stupid more..

It's about me now..and my happiness..

I know where I want to end up..
Now I just have to get myself emotionally stable enough to get there

I'm so sorry to mike...i'm so ..fucking sorry...
I didn't know..
My brain didn't know..and i'm so sorry.. was never my was never my intention..

Missa...I love you so much..your my other complete don't compliment, you must know that..and i'm sorry I hurt you..i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry..

I just need more time..

I thought I was ready..

....wait for me..wait just a little longer..and I promise everything is going to be okay..

Steve..I do love you..I love you for all your commitment..all your energy that you put into me..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it..thank you so much..

Thank you both ...for following me..for letting me go crazy..for forgiving me when I hurt you..

...Your both right, and I know you will take time to get over a three year routine..

but the bottom line is that I want to change that routine..I have the desire..I just have to make it happen

...I haven't been the best person lately..
I've been rather selfish with my emotions..
I'm working on it...

Thank you all for your patience..

..Just a little more time...
..Stick by my side..please

I love you both so much.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

and i'll be happy for you, when it's your turn..

Mood: jumbled
Music: Potion for Foxes By: Rilo Kiley

The talking leads to touching and the touching leads to sex..and then there is no mystery left..and i'm bad i'm bad news..i'm just bad news bad news bad news.. here I go..

Mike and I are togeather
Boyfriend and girlfriend..


All right...*deep breath*

I am so fucking scared.

The bottom line is that he makes me happy, I make him happy, and we wanna make that go somewhere..
He's really respectful of my need to move that's good..

so's gonna be slow moving..

Hopefully we won't crash and burn..

stick around..

Monday, August 21, 2006

I get back up and I do it again

Mood: a little tired and a little nervous
Music: Why do you love me By: Garbage

So I found someone..

Yesterday was the one month anniversery of my life as a single person..and of course I freaked out and started loosing it..just like I always I called Eddie..and he was helping..I think..a little..and then his phone died..and I started sobbing..pretty hard..

and I called Mike..

and when he told me he was busy I said "nevermind" ..but he didn't take that as an answer..and ..then..he was there with me..

and the weird thing is...I wanted him to be there..

I've liked Mike for a long time..
I feel like I really connect with him..

I don't think this is a rebound...I had my rebound...I had two of them..
I think this is..genuine

I don't know where him and I will go..I don't know how far or for how long..
But I know that no matter what happens ..I won't hurt him..
Because I will not hurt people anymore.

I just want interaction, connection, love, playfulness, emotion..

I just want life..
so if the opportunity to connect with someone who is avalible comes along...and i'm avalible to take it..i'm gonna take it..

I'm scared- I'm scared as hell..
Eddie broke me.
I feel like I fixed myself with scotch tape..

Now I have to see if it holds.. and I think the best way to do that is to move really slow..
really...really slow..

" I don't know what i'm doing...but I think i'm all-in"
Him: "Then i'm all-in too"

Sunday, August 20, 2006

..and then I fell asleep in the woods..

Mood: rested
Music: I will follow you into the dark By: Death Cab for Cutie

Me: "But...How will I be able to trust you?"
Him: "Because, I will take a key *takes imaginary key from pocket" and unlock my chest "unlocks chest", and then I will take out my heart and hand it to you *does so* and hope that you don't break it.."
Me: "oh my god..did you just say that??"
Him: "*laughs* yeah.."
Me: *Pause* ...we should be writing this down" I wrote it down...

and i'm thinking about everything we said..and it makes me feel really good..
we should go one night..and drive..until we can see the stars...I would like that..

I never expected to feel like this again..where did you come from..and is it safe to fall in..because I think i'd like falling in..

Me: "A friend of mine told me that you should follow your heart. It doesn't matter what other people are doing...the one's closest to your heart will forgive you."
Him: "Al..that was me..just a little while ago"
Me: " it was.."

I'm a war of head verses heart and it's always this way; My head is weak and my heart always speaks before I know what it will say..

I'm pretty scared right now..because I have ambitions..and I really ...don't want to read too much into them..

Go slow..

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Someone shoot me in the head

I am in so much fucking pain..

...oh my god..

My stomach is being ripped out of my body right now..

Just kill me..gah


oh god..

Sorting my emotions..

All right..I can do this..because it's my blog and my copeing mechanism and

I'm starting to think that maybe you really did have a good excuse for why you didn't get online..maybe one of your friends was really upset and needed you..maybe it's something good like that..

and if I is...I feel like a real asshole..

But i'm not for one second pretending that what I said doesn't apply to how I feel when you do things like this..

and so i'm not trying to guilt trip you..but i'm just my blog..

so I guess it'll play out however it plays out..

I just hope that when I ask "what happened the other night?" I don't get "I fell asleep" or "I forgot" or "..."

because that would mean i'm right
and I want to be wrong Ed..

Prove me wrong..

Friday, August 18, 2006

I'm starting to think you just don't fucking care.

Mood: Pissed off ass hell
Music: Good day: By The Dresden Dolls

Your an ass.
"I'll talk to you in 20 minutes"
My ass.
It's been two hours since then, so fuck you...

I can only think of one excuse that would make up for this..and I doubt that's it...
I doubt that it's what I think it is, and if I is..i'll apologize..but if it's not

Fuck off, ass.

You were a shitty boyfriend, and you're a shitty friend.
You couldn't even call or get online to tell me you weren't gonna talk..what is that shit? It's not like there aren't computers in every room..

You know what? You suck.

I hope you have an excuse...I really fact i'm rooting for you..
But I doubt you do.
Because that's how you are..

So here it is..the song..the song that makes me get over you..everytime I hear it..
I've even highlighted the most important lines..because I know if I don't, you won't even bother to look at it..and don't forget, i've written more after the song lyrics..which I hand typed out myself...because that's how upset you make me..

Suck on this bitch.

So you don't wanna hear about my good day? You don't wanna hear about how I am getting on, with all the things that I can get done. So you don't wanna hear about my good day. You have better things to do then to hear me say; god it's been lovely day, everythings been going my way, I took out the trash today and i'm on fire.

So you don't wanna hear about my good friends, you don't have the guts to take the truth and consequence. Success is in the eye of the beholder, and it's looking even better over your cold shoulder

You don't think about the bridges you are burning, and i'm burning.

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego, I have finally made my piece as far as you and me go..but i'd like to have you over to see the place..i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.

Ever since you went away, hey i'm on fire.
I'm on fire
I'm on -fire-
*BIG insturmental break*


Eddie...i'm so sick of your fucking shit...I really am..
All i'm asking for you to to do what you say you'll hard is that?
Our friendship must not mean all that much to you..huh..
I must not mean all that much to you..

you know what...

It's all good...
I don't need you anyway..

I just wish I could have the pleasure of your friendship..but I guess i'm not good enough for that..


Thursday, August 17, 2006

Let me try it like this..

If I had a million dollars..I'd buy the singer from Death Cab.
Just so I could ask him to sing to me whenever I need to hear him.."
Plus I think he's adorable.

New plan..I will save myself until I get to have sex with the singer from death cab.

.........maybe not....

Anyways..Work ..omg...I am working my ass off..

It''ll be have open a bank'll be good for me.

All of my "going away to college" friends are gone...but it's okay..because i'll just call them all the time..

I won't loose them..or jillian and jackie...or you...for that matter

I won't loose anyone.

I don't know why I couldn't just tell you that..I don't want you "to not talk to me for awhile" because that doesn't help..what I should have just told you is that I need to just establish a relationship with you, whatever that new relationship may be..and stick with it..that way I can go though whatever emotional cycle I need to and eventually okay..

...I should have said that..

Gah..I can't wait to start college...

I need some social interaction.
I feel pretty good though...

It's still hard...not having you..

but it's okay...

and it's gonna be okay..

You were so good to me...and I connected with you..

I hope that doesn't go away..
I hope that the best..of us..doesn't go away..

I wonder if you got your part...

I get to go to tech on monday...I was like..."awesome"'s still leyden..but so's Chris..and it's ..awesome
I am a little nervous about telling him that I didn't go to GA..but hey..isn't the fact that i'm gonna show up..telling him? I know he'll understand..but he'll probably give me a are looks..

Who's that girl you took pictures of today? Do you like her? ...yeah i'm nosey..


I'm pretty i'm gonna go to be..

hopefully you really do read my blog...and if you do then hopefully we'll talk soon..a two sided conversation would be pretty nice..haha..

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

oh no..I feel a relapse coming on...

I've moved from Hurt to pissed-off and now I think i'm moving from pissed-off to denial...
Not good.

unless after denial comes acceptance..where is the acceptance phase?
Will I get there soon?
By the end of the month maybe?

...I wish he would just come back.. any way shape or form...
because this disappearing from my world not going over so hott..

I should probably stop putting points on his best buy card..I should probably email the phone back..I should probably just leave everything alone..

Why can't I?
Why did he hurt me so bad?
Does he even still care about me?
When will I fucking move on..

So...I heard this song..reminded me of my situation..

...I gotta go to work.

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you
and when you go go go go
I know It never ends (Never ends)

I'm wishing you
You feel the same and just come back to me

When it's over
Can I still come over?
And when it's over
Is it really over?

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way?
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I'm dropping my bad'd be proud

I moved too fast, tried to heal too fast..

I tried so hard to be okay...but i'm not.
I'm not okay...i'm just not.

I don't love anyone.

I can't love anyone.

I don't really like myself all that much..and i'm not really much of person right now..

I never wanted to go to Georgia..but I never wanted to stay here either..and that's the plainly as I can put it..

I would have been cool with either one..

I did love Eddie. Now I don't know..actions say so much about your personality..and I don't know if I could ever love the person that Eddie is ..right now..which doesn't matter anyway because i'll probably never talk to him again.

I don't cry anymore...I just get tears that well up in the back of my eyes..maybe one or two fall..but not as's terrible..I feel like that..spunk that I had is fadeing ...I guess you were a big part of keeping that alive..and I just didn't know it..

I'm hopeing this phase will pass...i'm hopeing i'll realize that I'm just depressed because everyone is leaving and I have nothing to do..

I was serious when I told Amanda that she's the only one of us that's getting out of this shit-ass town..

*deep breath*

Does anyone know me?
Do I even know myself?

When am I going to fucking start COLLEGE

...I think that's what I need...


Monday, August 14, 2006

There's beauty in the break down..

So you know that speaking plainly thing? Yeah...I think i'm gonna try that..just for a moment.
..Today was not a good day in the life of -me-
Today was shitty.
Jill and Jackie (and emily) left...
..which wouldn't have been so bad except I now associate "leaving" with only one thing
Brett's leaving on the 17th..but he's already gone anyway..
Amanda's fucking rock..
Begovich left..
And it's just like...too much..
It was too much for me today.. associate all that leaving with Eddie.

No more pretending or lying. I miss Eddie. I miss talking to him, and laughing at his sarcastic whitty sometimes overly bold jokes..I miss his personality..I miss the way he can make me feel so ...happy..

You know what sucks? I feel like I don't have a unique personality..maybe that's because everyone around me is SO unique...I don't know..maybe I am unique...i'm not sure..

a good friend of mine was feeling suicidal yesterday...and I freaked out on the person...I mean like seriously yelling at them for the way they felt...I don't know why I did that...I think it was because I want to feel suicidal but I can't...because of all the people I know i'd hurt..and it pissed me off that someone that I personally would love to have the life of...felt so low...

I feel bad for yelling...but at the same time I don't...

Amanda and I were talking...about how i'm single now...and I told her...that it freaks me out that I don't have a goal anymore...eddie was a goal that I set for myself...whether it was to make it two more months so that I could see him...or to wait three years so that I could leave here...I was always setting a goal..and he was always my excuse to do that...and now that excuse is gone..and i'm afraid that i'll fall into a rhytmn that I don't really want to be in...because I don't have a goal for myself..

I don't want to loose myself...

I'm Alexandra ...and I have awesome potential...

...and I don't want to waste it..

I also miss loving someone...I have all these people that love me...but I don't really love anyone..not in the way that I loved eddie...I don't have someone that I really -want- like -desire- like -desire passionately- to make love to... Eddie was the only person I ever really WANTED to be under, or on or all over...and now I don't have anyone...and i'm so sad...because I feel like my ability to love like that is broken...because of fear...because of pain...because of longing.. I feel like it's broken...

and I don't know how to fix it..

I'm so afraid that i'll never heal right...that i'll never be okay....

...that i'll always be alone..

...that I won't find someone that makes me as happy as eddie did...

...I'm so fucking afraid.. like I wasn't a good day for all...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

and i'm asking myself..why i'm still writing..

and so i'm thinking a lot...

Eddie's gone, and I don't know if he's ever coming back..

and I don't think it matters right now...

Even though...I thought he was my friend..

We all get decieved sometimes..

Rebounds...I don't want to rebound..

I'm scared. I'm scared that something great won't be as great as something that was..great..

But how will I know if what was great was even great if I don't try something else that's potentially great aswell...I mean that great thing could have only been will I know unless I try?

Slowly...I'm...i'm walking through quicksand here..

I have so much to think life, my future, my body, my emotions...

and i'm this sand...

and what sucks the most is that there are these...wonderful people waiting to pull me out when my head goes under too far...but i'm afraid to ask for their help..

urgh..analogies...why don't I just speak plainly..

Okay...let's try that...

Why did this happen to me?
Why am I where I am right now?
How will I ever know all that could have been?
Why do I care what could have been?
Why am I moving on so fast?

....Why am I asking so many questions...

...I should just go with it..

Friday, August 11, 2006

And all that could have been..

I have something I should be doing right now...but i've got these thoughts in my head
And I need to write them down...get them out...something..

I don't know where i'm going...

I was so happy with where my life was...with who I was with...and who I wasn't..

and now i'm afraid of the change that's comming..

I'm afraid of the realization that i'm not in love with eddie anymore..

that those feelings..those smells..that sense of touch and ..sound and all of the way that it not how it will be

Because of the change...

You think it'll be a certain way forever..

but the wind changes all the time...

and i'm not saying it's a bad thing...don't get me wrong...i'm just saying...i'm nervous...because what if the "high" that i'll get with where I am now...isn't as good as the high I had before..

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

College here I come!!

So I registered today, and I really feel better..I've been going up and down a lot lately..and I think that what I need is to life..

By next june i'll be in an apartment, or a condo...or somewhere that isn't my house..I hope. I hope it happens..because the plan is awesome..and I'm so sick of awesome plans going to shit in the last few weeks before they're supposed to happen..

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, by my wonderful cousin, who is the shit..

I also have another date...I think...I...don't know if it's a date so I shouldn't say that..

Other than that..everything's going well...I put new pictures up on myspace..

So here is my scedule:

Monday, Wenesday, and Friday:
Intro to Sociology : 9:00am- 9:50
Intro to Philosophy: 10:00am- 10:50
Principles of Effective Speaking: 11:00- 11:50
Hour Lunch Break!!!
Astronomy: 1:00pm-2:25pm

Done for the day

No class on Thursdays!!

American Sign Language: 5:30pm- 10:05pm

So you know..i'm really happy...because I got everything I wanted in terms of which classes i'm taking, and I got them at the times I wanted ..yeah..

and the theatre cordinator is the instructor for all my liberal arts courses that's pretty fuckin sweet's gonna be awesome...

.....How could I have wanted anything else?


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Concert Crazy

I have seen so many concerts in the last week...I thought I'd get sick of if, but I didn't not for one second.

What an awesome way to end the summer.

I was watching like the 20th concert in a row..and I was really thinking, while looking at the stage when it hit me...that I can't imagine anything making me as happy has theatre..

So it is...technical or not, doesn't matter..

I'm not pretending like I don't have two years... but I think it's good for me to say out loud where I am in my thinking..

I don't want to be that person..who doesn't go as far as she could because of some stupid reason.

I'm better than that.

Boys..they're everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I think one day i'll look at someone and think "I want him" ...and then it shall be done..

I'm pretty much trying to keep my hopes high...

...Because I just want to be happy..

...Alone or with someone...doesn't matter..

so's the list of bands I saw :
Blue october
Panic! At the disco
The Raconteurs
Violent Femmes
Death Cab For Cutie

Coheed and Cambria
Kill Hannah
Dresden Dolls

The Frames
Ben Kweller
30 seconds to mars
The Shins
She wants revenge
Queens of the Stone Age
Broken Social Scene
Red Hott chili peppers

Violent Femmes

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I want to start over..

...I want to be okay...

I want to forget everything that I had..

I want to okay...with where I am..

I want to fast forward, why can't this summer be over..

....I want my life to fucking start....

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life

Let go..jump in...what're you waiting for..

Don't cry. Do not cry. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. You weren't meant to be with him, he never really -loved- you...he doesn't really know you. It's impossible to know someone 800 miles away. It was about security. It wasn't real. He was never really real..and you don't matter to him.. Your just a girl, he knew once..Your gone, he's gone, it's gone...Your here now, in chicago, where your meant to be, so just be here, just live here, find someone else, your attractive, you'll find someone else, it'll all work out..he's not what you want anyway, you fight all the time, he's not a good match for you, he let you go, you wanted to go, you were in love with someone else anyway, so let it go, just let it go...stop thinking about that what if's because they don't exsist, learn how to fall asleep alone, learn how to yourself, find yourself, love yourself..let it go, just let it's his lose, it's his'll be happier, he'll be happier, he is weren't meant to be together, he doesn't want you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't want you, there are people out there that do, that will love you better, more fully, with more effort, find those people, let those people find you, let him go, let him go, let ...him...go...he lives in Georgia, he's meant to be in Georgia, let the pain go DAMMIT, LET THE PAIN GO..STOP DRINKING, STOP HURTING, STOP..JUST STOP!!!! JUST GET OVER IT. Just get over it, over him..over it...over all the mistakes...everyone makes mistakes...let it go

...just let it go


....Do not cry. Don't cry. It's not worth it. You won't get won't help anything..

just sleep...


....sleep it off....

Let it go.
Let go.

I feel like just typing at random

Man..I think i'm hurting right now...I mean...I know I am...I just don't know why...I'm not unhappy...I'm just...hurt...and trying to heal..

It's weird.

I want to watch Elizabethtown so bad...but I know it will make me cry, and so...I can't...and I just keep watching it over and over again in my head.

I like Hooka...I think i'm good at it...not that it's something you can be good at..but you know what I mean...I enjoy it...and I really like Sheesha's coffee house...I think it's my new spot...its's calming...

It's better than drinking wine coolers so that I can fall asleep...

I only had one outburst today...and was when someone said I should switch to T-mobil...and that I was stupid for having verison...I wanted to scream and yell on and on about how it isn't my fault Eddie left me 20 days before the rest of my life..and that I'm not switching my plan until I have to because this is not the way it was supposed to be and blah blah blah...but I just let it go...and saved it for posting here...

I think he hurt me really my core..

I'm not an idiot ...I saw it comming...I wouldn't ...come...

But what can I do?
Move on.
Move along.
"and even when your hope is gone move along move along like I know yah do"
-all american rejects-

I'm excited about lollapalooza...i'm not excited about being hot...I heard amanda threw up at sixflags...I don't want to throw up..

Brett took me off his friends list...I don't know what that means...I don't know if that means anything...I'll wait...I'll just keep waiting...he's hurting me too...slowly...he's leaving me...

I like Habisscuss flavored tobacco better than apple..

Nothing I want out of my life is currently acceptable...
and I need to accept that..

....I'll get back to you..

Man...I'm exhausted...and hurting...