Sunday, September 21, 2008

Thinking about my wedding..

My cousin Anthony was married today, to a beautiful, wonderful woman that I adore..and everyone was there to see it..all of my 2nd great aunts and uncles, my mom and so many others..and if had me thinking..I wonder if all of those same people will be at my wedding..I wonder if they'll laugh and celebreate and be happy for me..I wonder if i'll get money and gifts and be lavished...I'm sure I will..I just..I wonder if it will be in the same ways as anthony..I wonder if the same people who love him will love me as much.. I wonder a million things..will my cousins from cali actually care enough to make the trip out there? Will my father make it awkward..

..I know that no matter how small my turn out is, I will be happy..because I get to spend that one day with mike, if no one else..and I guess that's how I know he's the right one for me..if I get to spend the day with him, it was a good day..period..doesn't matter what happens...

I just..want it to be perfect.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Near Death Experiences..

I feel like something inside of me has changed incredibily..A real car accident..accident..the fact that it was an accident doesn't change doesn't take the bruises away, it doesn't take away the fact that I could have been killed, or worse..could have killed someone..

..This is the closest i've ever come to death, and the worst part about it is that yesterday I was sitting in Samantha's living room with Anna and Mike talking about what people think in their moment's before death..

..From what I know now..they probably don't think much of anything, unless they can distinguish that they're dying, which I could barely do..I guess if you're able to realize that in the next few moments, it's probably going to be over for you, then you have time to think..but for was like a split second where I knew that I was going to die, and then all of a sudden, I was thinking about how much the airbag hurt..

I think that I'm finding out a lot about who cares for me and who doesn't. The way that people reacted really put a lot in prespective for for example..Brett was completely stunned, and wouldn't stop staring at me..a normal reaction I think...but..Sam...Sam called Mike and asked if he wanted to go for coffee while they waited for me to finish things up with the police..

...Whoa....I'm still not really sure how i'm feeling about that..I..need time..

I've been seriously thinking..about how I want to run, and work out a lot more..I want to be able to seriously work with my body, and feel the kind of pain that feels good after, because you know that it's helped make you better..because this kind of pain sucks..The kind of pain where you're hurt..and healing..

It's really weird..watching Will and Grace right now, eating dinner with my family, ice cream..I think that on some level..I'm about to re experience everything in my life..through eyes that have seen how quickly death can take those experiences away..

...I'm going to pray for myself, that I make it through this night, this week and for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die...I want children, I want marriage, I want..everything..

..I hope that I have time.