Friday, October 24, 2008

Boyfriends Bread winners and starting wives.

I've been thinking on my best friend lately. I didn't really realize how much i'm thinking about her until I didn't need to do it anymore. I worry about her all the time, about her happiness, her sanity, and just...her overall well being I guess. I love my Samantha very much..and this past month or two has been a couple hard ones. I can't believe that James would just walk out of her life without blinking an eye.

The worst is that I feel like I could have..should have..done more. I saw the warning signs. He came to me a couple times and told me how frustrated he was..and looking back on it all I shouldn't have tried to talk him down myself, I shouldn't have agreed with him so much, I should have just confronted Samantha about it, but I was angry and upset and scared for her..and I didn't think about what could happen.

I think that everything we go through in life leads us down a road that we are either ultimately happy with, or not. It's so interesting to me that you could look back at times and say to youself "I'm happy for all the shitty things that happened to me, because they brought me to you." But..other times you look back and you're just depressed about where you are now. Is that a paradox? Why are we so accepting of the bad things when were at a happy time and place in our lives? Why doesn't my life work like that? It never really matters where I am or what i'm doing, I always long to return to the points of my life that happened before. I feel as though if I could rewind my life back to a point and live it up to the present again, the exact same way I would take that as soon as I could, because getting here was half the fun. Maybe I was just lucky in life. I love all of the people that i've met so far. I love all the men, all the women, all the elders and vampires, and teachers and books and movies and sports. I would love to do it all again.

Why is that?

I would do anything for Samantha, and i'm really proud of myself for not ranting about this earlier, because I knew that would have ultimately shown that I truely wasn't okay with what was happening, but now that it's all wrapped up I feel safe to talk about my past emotions during the situation...How could she even consider dating Steve? I thought there was some kind of law that you don't date your best friend's ex boyfriend? Are there limits to that law? Is it that there has to be an offical title of -boyfriend- on it? How would she have felt if I wanted to date her Cesar? I just...I don't know how I feel about the whole thing that happened. I think that I forgive her, I think that she must have really been very lonely to have thought about it..I hope that she was anyway. I hope in my heart that she wouldn't backstab me like that..I mean..there were nights where I had to tell myself that there are worse things that could happen then her sleeping with steve......her sleeping with Brett. I couldn't handle all. I think I would have seriously flipped a lid if it had been Brett in Steves place. Which I guess is a good sign. It means that Steve doesn't really mean anything to me other then the past memories I have of him in my mind, and I know now that people change..The people I still know from highschool are very different people now. Steve just changed from who is more quickly then the other people I know..

I know that it probably came out as one big rant on the subject..but in the end, if they really had hit it off and fallen in love with each other, I would have sucked it up , not without some seriously crying and soul searching, but in the end, I think I would have been okay.

Does that count as Karma hitting me in the ass? Is the Karma just back building? Was there a crisis averted? Will my boyfriend break up with me tomorrow for the sake of balance?

I guess we'll have to wait and see..

Cosmetology school blows so much ass. I will cry seriously happy tears when it's all over. This is what prison feels like. I want to put out there into the universe...please universe..if there is a single human being like me in the world, please send them to cosmetology school and please send them to MY cosmetology school to help push me through the rest of my hell.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Thinking about my wedding..

My cousin Anthony was married today, to a beautiful, wonderful woman that I adore..and everyone was there to see it..all of my 2nd great aunts and uncles, my mom and so many others..and if had me thinking..I wonder if all of those same people will be at my wedding..I wonder if they'll laugh and celebreate and be happy for me..I wonder if i'll get money and gifts and be lavished...I'm sure I will..I just..I wonder if it will be in the same ways as anthony..I wonder if the same people who love him will love me as much.. I wonder a million things..will my cousins from cali actually care enough to make the trip out there? Will my father make it awkward..

..I know that no matter how small my turn out is, I will be happy..because I get to spend that one day with mike, if no one else..and I guess that's how I know he's the right one for me..if I get to spend the day with him, it was a good day..period..doesn't matter what happens...

I just..want it to be perfect.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Near Death Experiences..

I feel like something inside of me has changed incredibily..A real car accident..accident..the fact that it was an accident doesn't change doesn't take the bruises away, it doesn't take away the fact that I could have been killed, or worse..could have killed someone..

..This is the closest i've ever come to death, and the worst part about it is that yesterday I was sitting in Samantha's living room with Anna and Mike talking about what people think in their moment's before death..

..From what I know now..they probably don't think much of anything, unless they can distinguish that they're dying, which I could barely do..I guess if you're able to realize that in the next few moments, it's probably going to be over for you, then you have time to think..but for was like a split second where I knew that I was going to die, and then all of a sudden, I was thinking about how much the airbag hurt..

I think that I'm finding out a lot about who cares for me and who doesn't. The way that people reacted really put a lot in prespective for for example..Brett was completely stunned, and wouldn't stop staring at me..a normal reaction I think...but..Sam...Sam called Mike and asked if he wanted to go for coffee while they waited for me to finish things up with the police..

...Whoa....I'm still not really sure how i'm feeling about that..I..need time..

I've been seriously thinking..about how I want to run, and work out a lot more..I want to be able to seriously work with my body, and feel the kind of pain that feels good after, because you know that it's helped make you better..because this kind of pain sucks..The kind of pain where you're hurt..and healing..

It's really weird..watching Will and Grace right now, eating dinner with my family, ice cream..I think that on some level..I'm about to re experience everything in my life..through eyes that have seen how quickly death can take those experiences away..

...I'm going to pray for myself, that I make it through this night, this week and for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die...I want children, I want marriage, I want..everything..

..I hope that I have time.