Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I feel like everything happens for a reason.

I don't normally feel like that.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

This warp speed thing is happening...I feel like we're traveling in slipstream..or the moment before..where your body is being propelled forward so fast that it appears slow.

..I don't know what's going to happen...and I feel a little bit like i'm losing control of it..

...Do you want to be with other woman?

I know I fucking suck as a girlfriend...but please don't cheat on me...I really do love you more than life itself.

....I wish you could believe me.

I wish I could look into your heart and know for sure if you love me, or if you're just playing me until you find that perfect girl...

...I can be your perfect girl...Please Please Please give me that more time..

I won't screw it up this time around.

You are worth it.
You are the best man.
I lovedjew.

....I really wouldn't have come back if I didn't..

Saturday, October 17, 2009

What happened to my saturday?

I woke up feeling like everything that happened yesterday...all the drama I perpetuated was so stupid and idiotic.

I don't know why I do the things I do...bottom line is that I love Mike..

...I'm sorry to say that I think it all happened because I was bored.

Okay...hard and true fact....I am a bitch. A Bitch.

I looked around at my life...and although I like so many aspects of what I can not be denied that the way I function in my environment is quite selfish. I undermine people..I fuck them over, use them abuse them..

I did lead Steve on...why? Because it was Hot.

But nothing is hotter then where the night ended up going...nothing is hotter then ending up with the man I love and lust for..

I ...want to control myself..but I'm so young...I also want to let myself free. It's a weird situation that needs a comfortable medium.

Dancing would help.
Dancing and Drinking, and having fun...outside...with others.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Nightmares and Dreamscrapes

I feel like this is all fleeting.

I'm driving myself crazy over Joe. I didn't want to say it out loud...I don't know if I can say it out loud. I'm going crazy. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he okay? ...even as I'm writing it I realize that it's nonsense. Who cares? What does it matter? What would it do for me?

Nothing...this is so stupid..

Maybe the real problem is that my boyfriend doesn't trust me for shit. I feel like I have no trust no freedom, and that he's going to leave me at any second.

I know I deserve this....I deserve this...I deserve this..

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be a good person.
Most of the time I feel like everyone in my family hates or could care less about me.

Mike is the only family I have. Why am I constantly threatening that?

Would therapy help?
Maybe I should get some religion.
Some serious religion..


I am so scared that I am going to fuck up my life beyond repair..I'm scared that Mike will stop loving me.

..I don't think I could cope with either of those things.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Lately everyday is exactly the same

I'm getting that thing where I start to dislike the routine of my life. Not my life per-say, but the way that everything is exactly the same everyday...nothing ever changes.

Halloween is coming up, I'm hoping for a break from the looks like Mike and I might be heading over to Iowa, to see Riebana and Jon...I really really really hope that plays out, because I miss them, and I really need a break...and a road trip :)

Not that my car would make it...urgh...the battery is acting funny...sometimes my car doesn't want to start...hopefully it just needs to acclimate to the cold weather.

My mind is still that case you're wondering. Only I've upgraded my weapons and shit...i'm trying to take on the nightmares head on...

On another note, I'm totally addicted to Twilight, the New Moon book in particular. Jennifer should read it. Because she'd love it.

...Nov 20th...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How do you speak freely when you know someone is listening?

Mike thinks that it's weird for me to keep these things. He says that I should burn them, throw them out, lock them up in a box and put them away..something..

Alex and I burned a few things, and it made me feel better, but it hasn't stopped the nightmares. I wrote a letter, and lit it on fire over sage..

I felt better..for awhile.

To me the idea of throwing these things out is useless..I mean..they are perfectly good things, useful, entertaining...why should I just throw them away?

I can't remember the name of his car..the G6...I think it was something like fiona..or falinia...something.

I worry that he is going to walk up to my front door one day, and demand something from me...or point a gun at me and pull the trigger.

I know that I probably don't need to be paranoid like that..but I am...I have this fear that he might try to kill me...out of some blame that I ruined his life, his marriage...something..

To hear him on the phone that way...talking about needing a really freaked me out. I don't put a lot of stock into religion..and to hear someone putting every once of faith into religion like that...was really fucking weird. It was the first step in realizing that I didn't truly know this person.

I know that him and I are probably much more alike then I want to admit. If life is as forgiving as I think it is, he's probably thinking the same things about me...probably just happy to be left in tact...probably feeling like the victim of someone's terrible game..

..that's how I feel...

Like I was lucky to get out with my life in sanity in tact..

Like I'm even more blessed and lucky to still have my friends, my family, and my lover.

I hope that he is happy. He's probably working his ass far as I could tell, he was in quite a lot of debt...that has to suck. I decided not to go after the 500 dollars he owes my mother...I wouldn't get anything, and it wouldn't be worth it anyway. You're Welcome.

...I just want the nightmares to stop...but i'll settle for them to just be less lucid. If I could wake up and know where I am right away, that would be amazing. I don't want to get up and look at the floor to see if it's hardwood or hospital tile...I want to just trust that it's the fluffy carpet of our bedroom.

Sometimes I really do feel like I'm being haunted. My thoughts feel like they've been put there...inserted into my brain so that I have no control over what I think and when I think it.

..and to know that it's happening to Mike to...that hurts so bad...I can't begin to tell you what it does to me to see him upset and know that i'm the cause of it..

I just want to push forward..

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Glide, a rock concert experience

I just got back from this rock concert that i've been waiting for for like a month, and I was so incredibly pleased. I took my cousin, and I think that she really enjoyed it as luck would have it, I totally forgot my camera. It's funny to me, that sometimes not having the camera makes the experience so much more memorable to you. I remember the way that the place looked and smelt way more then I would if I had been behind that lens the whole time.

Mike and I danced. We haven't danced in a very long time. Jennifer said that we looked adorable, and that made me feel really good.

You know what else made me feel really good? The fact that I was out on a saturday night, with my boyfriend and one of my best friends, at a kick ass show in the middle of chicago.

Living life.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Hello you beautiful, unused dusty blog you!

I'm so sorry that you've been neglected and left all alone. I'm here now.

I'm going to be uploading some of my art soon. I'm taking a drawing class. This is my last semester before moving on know, a REAL college. Not that I'm not liking community college, I am, I've really found a home there.