Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Why do we hurt people that never hurt us..

Mood: Exhausted
Music: We will become silhouettes by: Postal Service

I know that a lot of people have been reading my blog lately...and that's cool..

..but I tend to write for an audience when I know that people are reading..

...This blog is different.
This one is for me.

So Mike and I have crashed and burned.
I wasn't ready.
I'm not..ready..

..and I just...

...I made a mistake..

I feel like such a shitty fucking person. I am going to hurt someone..because I wasn't clear..because I led him on..because I ...just...

shit.

Eddie wants to make this whole "getting over each other" thing seem like a fucking race...well..guess what?
I'm dropping out.

Fuck it.

I know i'm not okay.

But I know this: I will be.


So..new plan:

Be single...sort of ...for awhile..until I can heal enough to where I'm not hurting a relationship with the people I really want to be with..

No more racing, no more stupid fights...no more..

It's about me now..and my happiness..

I know where I want to end up..
Now I just have to get myself emotionally stable enough to get there

I'm so sorry to mike...i'm so ..fucking sorry...
I didn't know..
My brain didn't know..and i'm so sorry..

...god..it was never my intention....it was never my intention..

Missa...I love you so much..your my other half..you complete me..you don't compliment, you complete..you must know that..and i'm sorry I hurt you..i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry..

I just need more time..

I thought I was ready..

....wait for me..wait just a little longer..and I promise everything is going to be okay..

Steve..I do love you..I love you for all your commitment..all your energy that you put into me..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it..thank you so much..

Thank you both ...for following me..for letting me go crazy..for forgiving me when I hurt you..

...Your both right, and I know you are...it will take time to get over a three year routine..

but the bottom line is that I want to change that routine..I have the desire..I just have to make it happen

...I haven't been the best person lately..
I've been rather selfish with my emotions..
I'm working on it...

Thank you all for your patience..

..Just a little more time...
..Stick by my side..please

I love you both so much.

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