Wednesday, May 31, 2006

...My life takes talent...

Innocence is never going to happen for me.
...and i've decided that I don't want it anymore...

This marks the beginning of me bathing in the delicious misery that is my life.

The Dark, Naughty, Messy, Unspoken, promiscuous, Painful, Selfishness...

Okay...To be truthful, I've been bathing in it for awhile, but now I'm swimming to the deep end of this pool...

So watch, as I attempt to swim in this water, without drowning.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

...All my friends drive a low rider...

The low rider is a little higher.

Time: Noon
Mood: Relaxed

So. I had an awesome time last night. I'm pretty sure I was a little irritating, a little loud, a little horny, a little truthful, a LOT stupid..(I know that's not gramatically correct) ..but I enjoyed myself

My favorite part of the night, and the part i'm going to share with you, because I think it sums up everything is as follows..

I was sitting on the floor, jessica was on the sofa, emily was dancing, and melissa was laughing, when I reached over and pulled off jessica's sock. I laughed about it for the rest of the night. She couldn't find it, and I was pretty sure i'd eaten it- until we folded all the blankets this morning. I thought it was the most clever thing i'd done up until that point in my life.

And that was the night...

So now i'm going to clean up, take a shower, do the show, go to the cast party...and have a good time doing it all.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

...If everything could ever feel this real forever..

Promise not to stop when I say when?

I miss you eddie. I miss you and it's starting to hurt. That "head about to explode" feeling is starting and I can't take it.

I love you.

Thank you for taking care of me when you can, and sometimes when you can't.
Thank you for being patient.
Thank you for giving me all your heart, and trusting me not to break it.

...I'm not going to break it.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

...and you need this, and I want to give it to you...

...and i thought this time i'd be somewhat true..

Mood: Compliant

I'm nihilistic.
Eat and be eaten.
Manipulate and be Manipulated (and dont get upset if your manipulated).
Fuck and get fucked.

Who cares if I am a slut? Fuck you, you don't know me.

I hate everyone.

I am a horrible human-being and I know it.
And I don't really care.
And that's how I feel right now.

So fuck off.

If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now, There's too many places I haven't seen
And if I stayed here with you, now Things just wouldn't be the same
Well I'm as free as a bird now, And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change. And a bird you can not change.
Lord knows
I can't change

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Letting those things go..

Maybe it's best to remind myself that he's with me.
I mean..I shouldn't feel -that- threatened.
...because he's -my- boyfriend.

And that says something.

Eddie isn't the type of person to stay with someone that makes him miserable. He would have left by now.

So the fact that he's still here means that he really does WANT to be here.

So i've just got to let those..things..go.
How do I let them go?

Friday, May 05, 2006

...and so it is..

I really...botched things up...I'm so mad at myself.

Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to make any decisions at all, and that life would just carry me everywhere. I hate forgetting the feelings that pushed me to make a choice. I hate being stuck in one place at a time.

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I hate not being able to love two people, three people, four, five, six, seven...I hate that sometimes I love more than the one person I know i'll spend the rest of my life with. I wish I could be surrounded by beauty all the time.

I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes...

I wish I had the freedom to really express myself. I wishI didn't have to feel so alone all the time. I wish someone would say something to me, the way they do in the movies. I wish I knew what was going to happen.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

...I'll remember to forget about you...

Mood: Pissy do to the menstrual condition.
Music: Panic, Eisley, Cash, whatever.

Please leave all overcoats, canes, and top-hats with the doorman, from that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed....If everything goes according to plan...then i'm the new cancer, never looked better.... and you can't stand it.

I almost started crying during my English AP exam. I was trying so hard, and I realized how bad I really wanted a good grade, and how little effort I had put into it..and I really upset.

I was pissy today. Really bad. I felt a general loathing for just about everyone. I'm really tired of doing this show every single fucking day.

I'm so tired.

Worried about Brett. He didn't take the AP test and he hasn't called me or answered his phone. ..I'm worried.

I'm having some doubts about Georgia. Some serious doubts. I said that I wouldn't let one person change my mind, and I don't want to, but she's so...not me...and the fact that he hangs around with her worries me. I dont seem to be like..any...of his friends...and I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea. I'm also trying not to make any decisions that will push me towards changing my mind. I know there are things I could do that..wouldn't help this situation.

If I told eddie any of this right now, he'd probably think that I was looking for a reason to break up with him...but It's seriously not that. I'm nervous because i'm realizing that Eddie and I don't have the same lives, or friends.

I'm gonna miss my friends so bad. I already miss jessica, and emily. It hurts in the pit of my stomach..and for that thought alone makes me happy that I live at the theatre.

When I think about leaving Melissa I can't breathe.

I just...have been asking myself a lot...Is it worth it?

Maybe I'm just addicted to the way he makes me feel..Maybe nothing can really be this perfect.

...Maybe i'm not really meant to be happy.

I miss the way Brett smells. That was random.

I'm gonna take a shower...probably cry a bit..and them sleep..

.....oh...I know this is stupid, but I really wish someone could just take me away..Like the way a good song does when you turn it up so far that you can feel it in your chest, and nothing else in the world exsists but you...and the song...

Monday, May 01, 2006


I miss my boyfriend.
Everytime I see a jeep.
Everytime I see his shirt in my closet.
When I take a shower.
Hear his voice.
See his picture.
Think about him.

I miss my boyfriend.

I remember everything. The way he toches me. The look in his eyes when he's looking at my face. His arm and hands and..

I'm being sappy....sorry..