Thursday, March 31, 2011

On your mark, set...

Almost finished with the on-boarding process of this job. Passed the drug test, now I just have to complete the physical, and then start making some money. Double what I'm making right now. I'm actually glad that this company has such a serious on-boarding process. (Even though they cut a chunk of hair out of my head.) I was thinking about it, and half of the people I know wouldn't be able to get past the drug test. Crazy.

I think my coat might come in the mail today. I'm so freaking excited about it. This is the beginning of changing my wardrobe. One piece at a time until I accomplish the look I'm moving towards.

Come August when I start Loyola, my goal is to be some seriously hot stuff. As long as I keep with the working out and making enough money this summer to change my style, I know I can get there. I will get there.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pausing to take stock

Okay. I had a good kick in the ass yesterday. The end of a friendship sincerely knocked me on my ass. Sometimes the people you think have your back are the ones who end up shoving you down the stairs. I'm here to say that I've pulled myself up and dusted myself off. I'm giving a heavy shrug and an "oh well" to this issue and moving forward.

Sometimes it's good to count your blessings.

Some of mine?

I have a handful of close relationships that mean the world to me and I'm learning to
cherish them more every day.

I landed two stellar jobs and start as a junior at an incredible private university in August.

I'm attractive to the opposite sex. Not a fat fuck on the road to a heart attack because everything I eat is either microwaved or from a fast food place.

I have a killer boyfriend who will stick with me through anything and let me come to him with any issue to work through. He loves me unconditionally, what more could I ask from him?

Yeah, when you look at it, it would appear I have pretty much everything a twenty something girl living in Chicago could possibly want or need.

And it keeps getting better.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Horse of a different color

Hopefully today will be a productive kind of day. I'd like to get my oil changed on my car, it's 2,000 miles overdue. I'd also really like to stop by Loyola to submit some paperwork for both Mike and I for the August semester.

I'm beating around the bush about the bigger issue here. Masella is done with me. I blew him out, so to speak. I do that from time to time. I make my friends hate me, I push them past their limit until they can't stand to be around me for one more second. It would seem I did that here.

I broke his heart. Led him on for way too long. Strung him along by a rope until he was finally able to cut through it and run in the opposite direction.

I do have one thing to say about this. Good for him.

I was toxic for him, and I'm happy he has finally been able to detach himself from me. I think it will ultimately be for the best. Our breakup (almost 5 years ago) was horrible. I played the "its just not the right time for us" card, and I think it led him to believe that one day I would change my mind about who I wanted to be, and be with. That was so disgustingly wrong on my part that I'm sick just typing the words.

The thing is, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of horrible things I've done and said to him to twist his brain around to believing that one day I would change my mind.

I should have treated him like an ex from the second I walked away from the relationship, not as a friend. Even if that's what he's been to me the entire time. A best friend that I leaned on constantly.

What have I learned from this? A lot I think, don't fuck with peoples emotions. Don't play around and blur the lines between friendship and love. Give back patience, time and attention to my friends. Keep up certain boundaries with the opposite sex.

All right..hopefully the bored readers have excused themselves from this boringness and therefore will not be partaking of my next section of news.

I have made a new blog dedicated to my sexual relationship with Michael. Why you ask? It's kind of a long and hard story. Shorthand: I am a masochist. Have been one my entire life. I'm quite interested in exploring where this will take me and Michael now that he's agreed to give it a try. Don't get any big ideas people, we're moving slow and starting off easy. For the sake of art though, I have created a place to get the most erotic moments of this down on "paper" so to speak, in case I need the "footage" for a story or script later on. You can flow through to my blog of the accounts here.

That's all I have in terms of updates for this week. I still have 13 pounds to lose by my birthday, but I did buy the tickets, so it's certain that Michael and I will be celebrating in style with my true love, Justin of Blue October! Hopefully I'll fit into my, hot as hell, Goth plaid pink dress by then.

Friday, March 18, 2011

A word to the wise

After the Northwestern demonstration and my growing mistrust and loathing of the media, I started asking myself a lot of questions about how I feel about sex. Sex and relationships, different types of sex, sex toys and anything else having to do with intimacy.

I fell into a black hole of thought, each thought pulling me deeper into myself to explore other questions. Some people aren't liking the answers I'm coming up with to these questions. Some people are not comfortable with the person I'm choosing to become, and here's what I want to say; this is my journey not yours. Stop making be feel like there is a right and wrong answer to everything in life.

There are so many innate truths i've been hiding myself from for so long, and I don't want to do it anymore. I won't pretend that working myself to death and killing all thought and desire makes me "who I really am" I won't pretend that I am this way because I have "too much time on my hands"...and trying to force me to do that is just wrong.

I'm me, and it's dark. I'm me and it's freaky and kinky and wild.

Deal with it, like I have to.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Morning Report..

There isn't too much going with me this week. Nothing too much on my mind or anything like that. I'm concentrating hard on losing the weight through dieting. I plan to start up the gym hard on Tuesday. Almost two weeks on the diet has helped me acclimate, so I should be able to handle the workout.

I've lost 8 pounds so far, with another 12-15 to go because April 18th, and who knows, maybe I can be under 190 before May 4th and the Blue October concert, that would be awesome.

Samantha came for a visit a couple days ago, and it was really fun. I made us salmon and salad, and everyone seemed to like it a lot. We just talked about everything. She looks great and it made me feel great to spend some time with her. I can't wait to see her apartment and everything.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Northwestern Human Sexuality

A number of days ago, Northwestern University held a live discussion in their Human Sexuality class. Two people from the BDSM community were invited into the classroom to speak about their experiences. The discussion took an interesting turn when the speakers decided to do a live demonstration in order to demonstrate to the class that A) female orgasms are possible and B) that for some members of the BDSM community, unconventional sex acts are the only way they can come to orgasm.

The media has completely blown up this story, and NW has responded by claiming that what happened in this classroom was wrong. There is an investigation being done and the teacher might lose his job.

I find these reactions absolutely ridiculous. America is freaking out because students in a human sexuality class learned about human sexuality? Many of the students in the class will go on to become sex therapists and marriage counselors, and need to learn everything they can about different sexual aspects of life.

Students in the class were warned several times that it was going to be a graphic demonstration and that it was optional to attend. So with numerous warnings and the freedom to opt out of seeing something you might not want to how can we figure that there was anything wrong happening?

In my human sexuality class, at a community college, we watched numerous "porn" videos in order to learn and discuss different aspects of sexuality. At one point we watched woman inserted into violent contraptions that caused pain to their heads, their arms, and legs (I'm talking about contraptions so foul they resembled something out of the movie SAW) and then be stimulated vaginally. As a psychology major and member of the psychological community I'm not understanding how that was acceptable, but this demonstration at NW isn't? Please. Students at University have been studying theses things for years.

If this professor loses his job or the way we study human sexuality is regulated in anyway because America is full of uptight and prude parents who can't handle their children learning about the real aspects of sex and how it applies to society I am going to lose my temper. I am going to protest. The freedom to learn is the most important thing to me as a student, and to have that freedom put down or regulated in anyway would be a breaking point for me. It will not stand.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

A clothing eulogy of nostalgic times..

Recently I've been working hard to become focused on weight loss and a healthy diet. I am trying to change a huge aspect of my life, and one that change does not come to easily. Years of over-eating, stress eating and putting on the pounds are hard to undo in a matter of months, and I understand it's going to take time.

Last year I wanted nothing more than to drop weight for my trip to New Orleans, and it was crushing to only making 25% of my goal, but I took it, and was thankful it was better than nothing. This year is different. I will not stand for less than reaching my goal before New Orleans. I am determined to shape myself into the person I know I am on the inside in the next coming months.

Part of being ready and dedicated to change is being able to let go of the past, so in a small way (well...large way to me, but small in the midst of it all) I started to put the past behind myself yesterday by going through my wardrobe and donating clothing that is too old or not in style with my personality anymore. It was hard, I won't lie. I donated pieces of clothing that I've been holding onto for upwards of 5 years. Even those pieces you keep because you say "One day I'll fit into this again", I donated those too.

It was liberating when I put the two garbage bags full of clothing into the trunk of my car, and then dropped them off to be donated. Saying goodbye to the past and taking a step towards finding my center feels good, it feels right.So in remembrance of those articles of clothing that symbolized landmark events in my life, I have created this post to give them a proper burial, if you will.

This first outfit is one that I purchased and wore over seas in London and Scotland. I remember wearing the green pants on my first trip on the "underground" (their public transportation system, like our L) when we visited the Hard Rock Cafe. The shirt I purchased at a gift shop by the river Thames. The inside of the letting shows pictures of different places of interest in London, like the second N with the "London eye". I wore this outfit all through my first year of college and eventually become to heavy to wear the pants, which aren't really in style anymore, and the shirt picked up stains here and there, one of which was a big white paint stain from technical theater. RIP London outfit, and thanks for the good times.

The second outfit is comprised to two pieces I wouldn't normally wear together. The top is one that I wore during high school, almost a decade ago. The buttons down the front seem to go on forever, and I used to wear it on dates and during numerous plays. The skirt I borrowed from my good friend Jessica and then later negotiated keeping. I wore it during Speech and Performance competitions and later to job interviews and work at Hickory farms. Both pieces still fit me today, but the memories have actually gotten too painful to continue wearing either.

These last shirts all mark milestones in my life. My unhappy shirt goes straight back to my "goth" days before even high school. I remember wearing it around Eddie (My first boyfriend) and to family parties as well. Also as a farewell shirt every time I would leave from another trip to GA. I loved and hated this shirt at the same time. The "Fall Out Boy" shirt I bought at my first concert (I know FOB was my first concert, eeeewww) which coincidentally was the first time I realized I had feelings for Michael. I believed we all were able to go to that concert because Brett scored extra tickets and then had an emergency or something and couldn't go. I got to hold Mike's had at one point, and boy did he look HOT in his blue and white leather jacket, even if he was more interested in Kaleen that night.

The black shirt with the buttons down the side goes back to freshman year. I don't fit in it anymore, which drives me crazy. I wore that shirt during a play I helped outside of school called "Dog Brain" and then later on dates in Chicago. I never once felt unattractive in it, and letting it go was really hard because in a way it felt like admitting that I'm not anymore. Finally, the green shirt with the skyline on it that says "death cab for cutie" I wore on my 18th birthday party which I held at a hookah bar. Samantha, Mike, and Mike, Peter, Joe, Becca, Anna, Riebana and John were all there that night. It was one of the last times that group of people would ever be all together again. It's really tattered now, but will always remind me of fun times.

It feels good to let go of these items and move on towards the future. I wonder what memories my new wardrobe will bring. I wonder what items I'll pick to represent who I am. Let me give one final RIP to all my outfits. I wore them well, I wore them out, and I'm ready to say goodbye to them all.

Now, onward to better things, more stylish articles of clothing that fit me properly and show off the weight that I've lost and will continue to lose!