Friday, October 13, 2006

It'll play out however it plays out..

Okay..here it is..

I'm not ready.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not happy.

So..i'm gonna work on those things first, if that's okay with you..

I'm tired of not caring about how I feel..

not anymore.

I will not push my emotions aside anymore, to try and make someone else happy..
I just can't do that anymore..

It hurts...it hurts my body...and you know what?

That was okay for awhile..because I was making you happy (steve)
but...I can't get hurt anymore..I don't like forcing myself to do something because people are telling me it's the right move..

I'm gonna figure out what the right move is for myself, if that's okay with you..

I'm sorry to you Steve..i'm sorry for emblishing the truth..
but you seemed so confident that you loved me..and that was..overwhelming..especially for someone who had just come out of a relationship...and didn't feel loved..

I let myself get caught up in the fact that you said you would take care of me..that you said you would never leave me..that you made all these promises...and I was so caught up that I wasn't even thinking of my own emotions...but i'll tell you the truth...

I don't really know you..
and I don't know if I can love you..

because I dont know if I can love anyone right now..

I know people only care about their own emotions..and I know there must be an ocean of thoughts spinning around in your head..and I can understand that..but eventually..I hope you'll forgive me for lying...
I just wanted you to be happy..

and I thought your promises would be enough..but they just aren't...and i'm so sorry..

..and to Melissa..

I can't make you happy..not in the way you want me to..
I'm not that person..at least...i'm not right now..
I'm still in love with Eddie..and it's gonna take some time for that to fade..
I'm still in love with Brett...and that's gonna have to play out..

I'm sorry if you feel like I led you on..
But like I said...I did what I thought you wanted..and I thought my happiness would just..follow..
but it didn't.

I AM NOT READY TO PLAN OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I AM NOT READY TO BE FAITHFUL TO JUST ONE PERSON.


I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to think..
I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to feel...

I'm not happy...and I'm not making either of you happy..

I'm not healthy..and I'm just going to end up hurting both of you if you force me to stay any longer..

I'm so sorry..for any pain you're feeling..for any anger..

If you think I cheated you out of something i'll make it up to you however you want me too..

...okay...that's...pretty much it..


Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill

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