Moving forward..

I had a good night tonight. I went out with mike and two of his friends. Got some pizza, went to a bar and had some drinks. It was good, and I enjoyed myself, but I realized something when the night was coming to a close.

Things are beginning to shift a bit for mike and I, the rhythm of hanging out with my friends and doing things is shifting to hanging out with his friends. I'm happy for him that this is happening, because for a long time he's needed the company of the people he wanted to be close with, and after a long time it's finally happening.

But I'm sad for myself too, because it seems that the people I thought meant something to my life are all going in different directions. Samantha is long gone, she doesn't text or call, she has a new husband and a new life, and it's never occured to her to come back to see whats up, or call when she's in town or answer my phone calls.

..and now Masella is leaving? How am I going to deal with that? The one person I counted on to be there when I needed them isn't going to be there. I know it's something that's been a long time coming. Don't put your stock into a single man who has feelings for you right? They're eventually going to move on. Even though I knew it couldn't last forever, I'm scared for what the future is going to bring. He's the guy that understood my quirks when even my other friends didn't. He's the one who knew my dark side and liked it, wouldn't mind letting me cry or talk a mile a minute or laugh hysterically or be incredibly pissed off. He let me be myself around him.

Who the fuck am I going to be able to show myself to now?

Joe? Lauren? Someone I haven't met?


What friends do the future hold for me? Will people not like what they see in me? Was Masella too forgiving? Too tolerant? Too loving?

Am I ready for the world?

I'm not ready to lose the one friend that ever gave a damn, even if it was because he was in love with me. What does it mean that he doesn't find it the least bit hard to get up and go? That he's wanted for so long to run in the other direction?

I don't know where I go from here, and as the door is closing on this chapter of my life I can't help but feel like I'm alone in a dark room...all those monsters under the bed are now starting to creep out and all the demons I stuffed in the closet are trying to get free.