Friday, July 21, 2006

I will touch the sun or I will die...trying...

Mood: Tearful
Music: Just the voice of my memories..clouding my head with insercurites

In the spirit of tradition, I am going to get my eyebrow pierced. I've wanted it for awhile..but have never gotten around to getting it...If I don' t like it, I can just take it out..

I knew a girl once who took her toungue ring out after two days of enormous pain, because she figured out that it wasn't..the right time...or it didn't look good on her...something like that..

*sigh*..I also knew this guy...who took out this girl..from his heart...after three (almost three) years of keeping her there...

...I guess he figured out that she didn't look good there...or something like that.

I'm having a little trouble withdrawing from GSU...this school of my dreams...that would have allowed me to do so much...that now i'm not ready to attend.

We all have set backs..maybe this is just a set back, and i'll find another school...or something..

My heart is so broken right now, and my head is so clouded...

I just need time...to sort this all out..

I'm not the kind of person that just gives up...even after three years of the same person giving..the minimum...or at times giving nothing at all...I filled that void with friends, other guys..with bad habits...

...bad habits die hard I guess.

I'm glad to see he hasn't taken me off of his friends list, just moved me down..to the bottom..where I belong..

where i've belonged for three years....but he just..never got around to moving me..

This pain will subside..I know that..

The habits i've formed...will slowly fade away...that urge to reach for the phone in the morning..and at night..that'll go away

even if I have to cry into melissa chest for months...

I've called on my friends...

I find it funny...he called on his friends to talk about his problems with our relationship all the time..and I never said anything...to anyone...I just kept it inside and hoped that I could fix the problem on my own..

and now i've surrounded myself with friends...to hold me up when it feels like I can't walk...to rub my shoulders when my body is covered with chills...to whisper "shh baby" in my ear at 4am when I wake up sobbing...to comment on my myspace so many times that all the pervious messages of the past are pushed away...

I found a bracelet at the bowling alley...it says "hope" on it...and it orange..the color of healing...I put it on..and took off an old bracelet from the past...

...I'm using the remaining money from my graduation to fix this goddamn Ipod..this thing he wanted so much..this thing that broke after a week of use...

Story of my life. I'll fix it, one more time...and then I'll leave it be...

There's the beautiful painting of icarus's fall from grace...it's done by an artist named Bruegel...
Icarus falls in the bottom right hand corner of the painting and he's drowing...and noone in the painting notices...or I guess...cares enough to help him...

I'm not like Icarus...in the sense that...I'll get back up...I'll build better wings then my father could, and I'll take off...right for the sun...with wings that wont melt this time...

I'll get over it...

....Eddie will get over it...

Maybe we'll be friends somewhere down the line...or maybe we'll never see each other again...

....but as for me...there's hope...it says it on my wrist ..and i'll hold on to that hope...of better things...and of fadeing pain...

until I can build some stronger wings...and fly towards that sun..


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