Sunday, November 21, 2010

My personal trainer mentioned today that I am the type of person who tends to let things build up to a boiling point. I could not help thinking about how dead right that statement is for me. I've been over eating since I got back from New Orleans.

New Orleans...this trip that was supposed to mark a changed Alexandria, a more self actualized me...turned out to be a bust in every way. I did not make my flight, illustrating that I'm not a person of punctuality. I made a decision to invite a friend without thinking about what that would entail. I cried instead of taking a deep breath and attempting to solve the problem rationally.

In truth I am no where near the finished product I view in my head as a completed "me" and New Orleans was a rude awakening to that fact.

Since getting back I've felt down, and I have been struggling to pick myself back up. I'm depressed, more than I have ever been before. It has nothing to do with the world around me, and everything to do with how disappointed I consistently am with the actions I choose within my world. I do not make myself proud.

I cry myself to sleep a lot. Okay- all the time, especially if Mike's not there with me. It does not seem to matter how hard I try during the day. No matter how many smiles I force or how much energy I build up, at the end of the day when I lay my head on that pillow at night, I don't like the person I am, and my stomach sinks with the thought of having to wake up and do it all over again.

Sometimes I wish I could live in the blackness.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I feel this slow creeping numbness, and it scares me. I push against it, more and more drastically because I want to feel something, but if I don't back off and slow down..if I don't stop, someone is going to get hurt.


I know in my heart that the best way to regain feeling, and emotion is to break from every stimulus and then slowly reintegrate everything.

You don't touch me for days, but when you finally rest your hand on the back of my neck, or slide your fingers under my shirt to undress me, I'm on fire. No one does that to my body the way you do. No one knows how to make me blush inside.


I want to find a way to make more time. I want to watch you sleep in peace, with out the hanging fear that you'll have to wake at any minute. I want you to feel clean, relaxed and at peace. I want to do anything and everything in my power to make you comfortable.

I complained, and you tried harder. I told you what I wanted, and you kept yourself up longer to give it to me. I don't know what I did to deserve your undying devotion, but I'm thankful for it. It brings me to my knees when you're not looking. Let me give it back to you. Tell me all your undisclosed desires. Let me make it right.

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