Things..

I had a really insecure day..it wasn't fun..

I climbed the wall at Dick's..only made it half way to the top..
I know it's because I psyched myself out..and because i'm out of shape..and because I pretty much tried to attack it..

it's okay..but it didn't really help the situation..

I also felt ugly today..like..really ugly...I felt fat..and also like my clothes looked awkward on me..and then I felt awkward..

Which led to me feeling ...incapable with myself and my abilities ..so I put on makeup..but it didn't get any better..

It didn't get better until I called Ed...and cried..and then he talked about how awesome he was and how i'm kinda..awesome too..but not AS awesome..and his ego made me feel better...sorta..

I guess I felt more confident..which was good because then I went out with Sam for coffee..and found out she's probably going to get back together with Brad..I'm happy for her...but it made me sad..because I have no love..

Then I went out with Emily to the hookah bar..and we stayed there until it closed..we were there for like ..4. hours or something outrageous like that..we just talked..about everything..mainly my past...and my childhood and hers and such...and we chilled with Ehab for awhile..which was cool...and we decided on the hookah we're gonna buy for the apartment..which led to a list of things we're gonna buy...which was fun..and reassuring...Emily in general is reassuring..which is why I think I like being around her so much..she pushes me..she's blunt when i'm stupid about things..and I like that..a lot..

I'm excited about my hair...I hope it looks good..I'm gonna get another tattoo and a nose piercing too...rock..

The one thing that's really up my ass right now is that my mother said she's pay my phone bill for me..and then she...didn't..but said she did..so now it's like 100 instead of 50.....i'm really angry...especially because if this mistake means I don't get my 400 dollar security deposit back..i'm going to kill someone...

..anyway..

I'd really like to get this apartment with Emily and Laura Currie...I like them both..and I think it would be the best atmosphere for me to be in right now..we're all three people that are going places but like to party as well...so the apartment would be....colorful..and clean at the same time..and they're girls so I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping with them when I was drunk..which is awesome..

I don't know..just my thoughts..
I got my check today...It made me feel so much better..

Melissa...and I...are pretty much..dead..as far as like..knowing each other is concerned..
I really did like what I saw of TJ...except for the driving of course..I respect her decision..and I'll let her go...it's cool..

...Just that...we aren't going to be as close as we were in the past..because TJ is nothing like me..and I kinda felt like he was pretty judgmental..so ..there's that..

Plus...I'm single...and Lissa's ...not..which is kinda..not good..she doesn't understand where i'm coming from...and I don't understand where she's coming from..

It's in general...not..good...

Don't get me wrong..i'm not saying I don't want to be friends with her..i'm just saying..things are happening..and we're drifting...which has made me realize that this relationship I had with my "best friend" wasn't really what I thought it was...it's more of a friendship of convenience then an actual..respect for the other person's life...I'll always love her..but she's more of a sister then a friend..like..i'll tell my brother Vince things..but not..everything..because I feel like certain things he just wouldn't understand..or would judge me for saying..

Plus..I can't really get over the fact that she bottled everything up from me..and then just unloaded it one day while I was driving..

I understand why she did it...I just..can't get over it...right now..

...so yeah...thats probably what I really came here to write about....and now i'm pretty tired because that was emotional...