A lot has happened the last few ..weeks..and I finally had the nerve to sit down..and think about it all..I think that if you read this..you'll understand me a little better..and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me..for things that I might have said or done that caused you pain..
When Eddie and I broke up, I was smashed to the ground. All of my plans were ruined, all of my heart was broken. The worst thing that I did during my healing process was pretending to be all right.
I jumped almost seamlessly from Eddie to Melissa and Steve, I wasn't ready for the change, at all, and I started picking out every little thing that wasn't Eddie. I missed Eddie. I thought about him constantly, every second of every day. I tried to hide it, but it didn't work.
The first time I had sex with someone else I was traumatized, I thought that it would help me, I hoped that I would feel better, like I moved on..I didn't. I just felt empty and as though I had lost something.
Brett saw that I was broken, more so then I had ever been before, and he saw the stupidity in my actions. I was attracted to the fact that he saw through my facade, my lies, and the mask that I had put up...he told me that it was ok to cry, it was ok to long or pine or whatever the hell I needed to do..
So I stopped pretending that my life was all right..that I was all right..
I should also put a note in here that at this time I was struggling very heavily with my love for my best friend. Although I was crushed that my plans for Georgia had failed there were certain things I found joy in, like the fact that I wasn't going to be leaving my best friend, it made me happy. I loved her. It wasn't until later that I realized that all she was trying to do was take care of me, in every way that she could, so much so that perhaps she offered up her boyfriend to me so that I wouldn't have to feel so empty...at any rate...I could love her back the way that she loved me, and I was so blinded by the pain of the breakup that I didn't see all of the good things that she was doing for me.
Melissa and Steve were a symbol of a different life, they were a mistake that I had already made, and moved on from. Yes, we had all grown, but to me they still stayed as a symbol of what I thought was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Eddie. What I did to him in the past, the first time I met Melissa and Steve...what I did hurt him more then anything else, and was the worst I have ever hurt another human being.
So I looked for someone, anyone else, I was still so afraid to be alone, but I didn't want to be with two people that reminded me of my worst mistakes. That's when I collided with Mike. His hand felt good on my shoulder, his words made me momentarily forget about my pain..and he looked kind of like Eddie.
I made myself believe that if I hurt this person it wouldn't matter, because he was an artist, he was looking for pain, for writing material..it would be all right..
I have since realized that it was wrong, and apologized. He remains my friend, for reasons a bit unknown. We match, him and I, in a way that seems to make the pain in my life fade but not disappear.
But I still wasn't truly happy. Once again, Brett saw this, and the stupidity in it, and I fell just a little harder for the fact he could see through my wrong turns.
I finally settled on just being alone. I still missed Eddie, and maybe he started to miss me too, even though its more likely that he was just lonely. For whatever reason, we decided to see each other.
I'm still not certain on whether or not this was a mistake. I know that its sent me a little more then over the edge, but I also know that it renewed my faith in men, and helped me to remember my goals in life, and for this reason, I wouldn't take it back. Also the sex was amazing, so there's that too.
When I came home from Georgia, I was so much more broken then I had been before, there was no pretending this time. I really was broken. My insecurity's rose to the surface, my fear of being alone, my loneliness, my home life, my intelligence, my beauty, my friendships, my ability to reason and love and be social...it was all put to the test, and it was all far too much for me to handle.
I freaked...worse then I have ever freaked in my life..there were no tears, just pain..and fear..
At first I put up the mask. "I'm all right, better then you actually." I ended up just coming off as a slut. I talked about sex a lot more then I should have, because I wanted to look confident. The people I loved started to leave, and I couldn't understand why. The last shred of my dignity went into making love to Brett before he left. I wanted to feel beautiful just one more time. I wanted to feel loved, just one more time. I wanted to feel something, anything, else.
Once he left I couldn't pretend anymore. I was like an addict going through a serious withdrawal, from what I don't know..but I started to everything in excess. Smoking, drinking, even pot. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be happy, or numb. When people asked me for help I pushed them away because I wasn't ready to help them, I wasn't even ready to help myself.
I wanted to die.
I went to sleep every single day for a week hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
...that's where I was at last week.
A handful of people that I care about stopped talking to me. Perhaps they were sick of my lies, my mask, or maybe they just had too much going on in their lives. It could be that like with me, before, I am a reminder to them of a bad time in their life. I would understand any of those reasons, but the sad fact is that I don't know the reason...maybe I do, in my heart.
My life is hard, but so is everyone else's.
So what brings us together?
..Hopefully it's the ability to stop and realize that, we are all each other has in this life...friends are hard to come by..
Will my group be kind enough to forgive me? Intelligent enough to realize that I have grown?
........I do not know...
I am ready, finally, after close to seven months, to let the mistakes of my past go...to move forward with my life..
I can't look at pictures of Eddie and I without crying, without seeing all that could have been, and all that will never be..the difference....is that now I can accept that this is the way it is..and will be..
I only have myself..and what I make out of my own life.
...and..that's all I wanted to say..
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