Did you ever feel..

5:04am

I decided that i'm not going to forsake this blog anymore..

Myspace is all well and good, but this is my journal..this is where I can be me..
The people who really love me will be good enough to know the link here..

Today was a terrible day..
I cried myself to sleep last night, and woke up with crusty stuff on my eyes,

I hate that.

I had the most stupid lab of my life, the freakin' cheek cell lab that i've done at least a 100 times..

I shouldn't have even gone, it so wasn't worth it..

Things got a little better when Mike (big mike) and I went out to eat

and then things fell hard, really hard..when my card didn't work..
What the fuck?

That's the third time in a month..

You need to understand something about my past first;

I come from a family where sometimes we just wouldn't have cash..

We'd buy a weeks worth of Grocery's and get to the cashier to find out

that our check didn't work..and we'd have to leave everything..right there..

So in conclusion..I have issues with my card not working..because it makes me feel poor
Like I should be apologizing..

Right now..at this second..I have over 200 in my account..so why?
Why didn't it work?

Why did I have to be embarrassed in front of a man I like?

I didn't smoke though,

So if nothing else, it proved that I can be strong..

My face really hurts

Mike and I sat there for 3 and 1/2 hours playing Gin, talking, and making

lists of final fantasy characters..and you know..he reminds me of home..

I like this new layout, and I think i'll keep it for awhile..wanna hear a story?


okay..

So when I went to see Eddie, we got to spend three days at his house..all alone..
and there were times when I got to just sit outside, in the middle of the

winter..and it wasn't cold, it was just perfect, and I got to look out on his

land..and how beautiful it was..and I could close my eyes..and just ..be...

It actually took my head awhile to stop spinning, but eventually, I could

close my eyes and just let myself meditate, and then opening my eyes on that amazing land with those amazing stars..

..I realize now that I wouldn't live any other way..
I can't wait until my trip to U of I
..Tomorrow..
I can't wait..

I close my eyes, and see London, Scotland, Georgia, Indiana..all the places i've been

..and I know that I am not supposed to stay in one place..

I think part of the reason Eddie was so perfect for me was because he was

a reminder of everything I wanted, and everywhere I wanted to be..

I understand why he left..I'm just one person..
and people like us are not supposed to have just one person..

..at least not now anyway..

I think my head is seriously bruised..

I want to buy the movie "What dreams may come"

I do in fact think it's time for sleep..

I'll leave you with this..though..

"I want somebody to share the rest of my life
Share my inner most thoughts
and my intimate details"