Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

2:40 pm

okay...I've completely lost it.

100% gone crazy.

I could wait forever.
I would wait forever.
I will wait...as long as it takes...

I don't think it's possible for me to ever have a love like the one I had with Eddie.
Yeah..sometimes it was terrible..
Yeah..sometimes I wasn't even in love with him..

...But at least it was fuckin real.

And if I have to wait forever to get back to that..

...I will.

100% insane right now.

Maybe i'll find someone better.
I don't want someone better..
...not right now, not at this second

I want Eddie.

Even if it's just for a fucking second...

I want that FUCKING FEELING IN MY GODDAMN STOMACH.
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING DURING SEX
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING JUST BEING AROUND THE PERSON.

I WANT TO FUCKING LOVE SOMEONE!!!!!

....I'm tired...i'm so fucking tired of not loving anyone..

The truth? The honest to god truth?
The only time I feel love is when i'm on the phone with him..

and even then...it's this faded memory of what I used to have.
He's right...he's absolutely right when he says i'm hanging on..

I fucking am.
I am hanging on with every muscle in my body..

because if I let go..

....that means i'm alone...

and I hate being alone..
alone hurts
alone makes me write blogs like this..

....I need to be underneath someone who fucking loves me..
...who I love back.

Even if it's just one more time..before I die..

and I dont even care how fucked up I am right now
I dont care.




Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

Where am I in terms of getting over Eddie?
Well..

I know he isn't coming back. I know that.
I know that even if he came back, it's not time for us to be together.

I still love him..i'm still in love with him..
...it's different that full on lust...but it's still..lustful...

He's my friend.

He's my best friend.

..and all I really want is to enjoy being his friend...
and maybe sometimes have sex...

I've learned that having sex with someone doesn't automatically mean you love them.
My mistake.

But when you find that person that you sleep with..because you love them..

..it's so good.

That you only meant well (well of course you did)
That's it all for the best (oh yeah you know it is)
That's it's just what we need (who decided this)

Pain killer..

Okay..
well..
I like this new blog..

...I think we'll do it like this for awhile..

well..

I've just hit a fence
I blacked out before I hit it..
on 25th ave..
I'm not..telling anyone..

Maybe the circumstances of my life are a bit more serious then i'd like to admit..

The dust has only just begun to fall...

Saturday, October 14, 2006


Better pack your bags and run
Or stay until the job is done
Baby you could sit and hope
That providence will fray the rope
And sink like a stone
Or go it alone

There will consequences that come along with breaking up with the person who was previously my best friend.
There will be consequences that come with hurting her feelings.
There will be consequences that come from deciding to pick the same classes of the person your attempting to be in a relationship with..

There isn't much chance of coming out clean.

....but...I can breathe..
I'm not worried about my emotions anymore
..And if loosing her is a consequence of living the way I want to
...then I have to do that..

It hurts...really bad..
the thought of not having her in my life at all...
That hurts.

but it doesn't hurt as bad as it would if I forced myself to be happy..
....so I know i'm doing the right thing..
The right thing for me..
for my sanity.


I need to be ...single..
I need to look around..
To shop around..
to go to a real college..

To be a real person.

Just one peron.
Not a 1/3 of a person..


If no one understand that..okay.
Because I do..

and I think that's all that matters..


And isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
Isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
For you...

And isn't it enough to prove today's the day?
Isn't it enough to prove today's the day?

It'll play out however it plays out..

Okay..here it is..

I'm not ready.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not happy.

So..i'm gonna work on those things first, if that's okay with you..

I'm tired of not caring about how I feel..

not anymore.

I will not push my emotions aside anymore, to try and make someone else happy..
I just can't do that anymore..

It hurts...it hurts my body...and you know what?

That was okay for awhile..because I was making you happy (steve)
but...I can't get hurt anymore..I don't like forcing myself to do something because people are telling me it's the right move..

I'm gonna figure out what the right move is for myself, if that's okay with you..

I'm sorry to you Steve..i'm sorry for emblishing the truth..
but you seemed so confident that you loved me..and that was..overwhelming..especially for someone who had just come out of a relationship...and didn't feel loved..

I let myself get caught up in the fact that you said you would take care of me..that you said you would never leave me..that you made all these promises...and I was so caught up that I wasn't even thinking of my own emotions...but i'll tell you the truth...

I don't really know you..
and I don't know if I can love you..

because I dont know if I can love anyone right now..

I know people only care about their own emotions..and I know there must be an ocean of thoughts spinning around in your head..and I can understand that..but eventually..I hope you'll forgive me for lying...
I just wanted you to be happy..

and I thought your promises would be enough..but they just aren't...and i'm so sorry..

..and to Melissa..

I can't make you happy..not in the way you want me to..
I'm not that person..at least...i'm not right now..
I'm still in love with Eddie..and it's gonna take some time for that to fade..
I'm still in love with Brett...and that's gonna have to play out..

I'm sorry if you feel like I led you on..
But like I said...I did what I thought you wanted..and I thought my happiness would just..follow..
but it didn't.

I AM NOT READY TO PLAN OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I AM NOT READY TO BE FAITHFUL TO JUST ONE PERSON.


I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to think..
I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to feel...

I'm not happy...and I'm not making either of you happy..

I'm not healthy..and I'm just going to end up hurting both of you if you force me to stay any longer..

I'm so sorry..for any pain you're feeling..for any anger..

If you think I cheated you out of something i'll make it up to you however you want me too..

...okay...that's...pretty much it..

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill

... the desire to scream will turn into silent tears if you wait long enough...

I've been falling into these holes lately. I cry for the death of my past. The fadeing of my memories. I can't remember how it smelt. I can't remember what it looked like..I remember how I felt..but what is that worth..I feel things everyday. All these people do all this talking, about what we've lost..what we think we have..

It's all bullshit.

I'm going to die one day..
and no matter how much i've lived
I will never have really lived.

"You will never be more beautiful then you are now,
we will never be here again.
Everything is more beautiful,
Because we're doomed"

"What do you want Al?"
"I want it to not hurt anymore.."

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

"I want something?"
"What?"
"The soundtrack to The Last Kiss"
"Okay"

This is the straw, final straw
in the Roof of my mouth
as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry
doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it at the time

"He'd get me anything I needed.."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. It's like..he's everything I could ever need in a relationship"
"But..."
"What about what I want?"

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

"We're all striving to get back to something that we had once..
but I can't even remember what it felt like when I was there.."
"But you know it was great."
"Was it?"

October here I come!

WHEE!!

I love October so much!!
I have two concerts to go to for sure, six flags
and sex

Lots of sex
I like sex
Especially when I love the people i'm having it with

I have a good good feeling about this month
I forsee good things

I forsee healing
and love
And sex
and life

I am so looking forward to this shit

BEYAHHHH!!!

Well, this is going rather well..

Okay, so I have a problem dealing with change...
I admit it....

Okay, so i'm drinking to much..
I admit it...

Okay, so i'm hanging on to things I would be better letting go of..
I admit it..

Okay, so i'm hurting people around me..
I admit it.

I've managed to make a fool out of myself in front of all the people who..at the beginning of all this "wanted me"

The truth of the matter is that I don't know how to give you all what you want, because I haven't the slightest idea what I want.

The only thing I know is that I want to be happy.

Eddie doesn't love me..and i'm not too sure that he ever did..and that hurts...it hurts like hell..and everytime that you kiss me or touch me....it hurts even more..because that's real..and I don't know if what I felt with him ever was...

I want him to just be happy..so I can move on with my life..

I want to move on with my life..

I want to be a kennedy

I want to be a big heartbreaker
Live fast and for real
and you can follow it in the papers.

A distant friend of mine has cancer...she told me awhile ago and I didn't tell anyone, as it was her wish..

and now I can finally post about it..publically..


...It hit me like a ton of bricks....

Something like this could happen to any of us...

I love you Carla..that probably doesn't make any sense to you...but I love you for your strength..your resilience..and your amazing attitude towards life..

All of the people I love could die at any moment..and I don't think I think about that nearly as much as I should.

Why do we fight?
Why do we hate?
Why do we waste our time hurting one another?

....it could be over in a moment..

.....I want to make the most out of my life..
I care for so many people...I love so many people...

So i'm not wasteing my time anymore..

A girl was shot in a school shooting two days ago...someone just walked into her school and shot her..

This world is not safe...and we are all so lucky to be here..
so let's start showing some more of that graditude...

You know..the past doesn't matter..
What happened to get me here doesn't matter
I'm thankful for all the good experiences
I've learned from all the bad..

and i'm here..now..
..nothing else matters.

i'll be brave tonight
either live or die
i'll be brave tonight
standing tall and bright

And if I had my chance i'd never let you go..

Love is a battlefield

It's not a war..so why do I feel like it is?

I feel like missa has all this power and at any moment she could say or do something that would end it all, and i'd be left alone..just because she doesn't "feel" like being with me..

...it's overwhelming..

I'm afraid to make progress because it might lead to pain..

...everything is a route to potential heartbreak...

whoa..

I had a huge long blog planned out but..it doesn't matter now..

...A girl named emily was killed in a shooting at her school in colorado today..she was on speech..

all of a sudden nothing else matters..

...My life is meaningless..

whoa...

I want a girl with lips like morphine

Missa Baby:

I fucking love you.
and it's not all about the cock...
It's just not..

Because if it was I wouldn't be in love with that gorgeous stomach of yours
or your beautiful face...
or your ass...

You get the idea...

Be with me...be with me until you can't stand me anymore..and then hang on awhile longer until you love me again..

Help me raise my children..help me live my life..

I'm empty without you gorgeous..
empty..

I don't know how you worked your way into my life..but you did..and now your here..and if you leave....i'm gonna freak out..

and I swear to god i'll show you all of this..as soon as I feel like the time is right..
I swear on my soul..

and I love you too buby..
(and your cock) shhhhh...

Getting over you will be the hardest thing i''ve ever done..

I was thinking of you..
and then I wasn't.

Your face popped into my head
and then it was gone.

Last night I went out with my friends...and I had an awesome time..despite emily throwing things at my head...other then that it was awesome..everyone I loved was around me..and I realized that...I'm getting tired of being hung up on you..

It's kinda getting..boring...and useless..

I think about children...and your face is no where to be found..infact if I think of children..I at some point think about how lucky I am ..not to be having yours...I don't see myself building a family with you...

I think about love...and...your face...if it shows....is dim..and almost unrecognizable..
You don't really love the way that is compatable for me..

and all these realizations make me tired..
they makes me realize...

that your gone..

...and i'm happy..

...and getting really sick of telling myself I lost something..

because the truth is that..I didn't..

...I gained so much more..

Will you still care about me when i'm not in love with you anymore..

You know what's crazy?

I looked at my girlfriend today and despite the fact that I was crying and chain smoking and thinking about screaming out really realy loud...I thought she was the most beautiful person i've ever seen...


I laid with my boyfiend tonight..I laid...with my head on his stomach..watching my favorite (okay 2nd favorite, I couldn't betray LOST) Tv show...and I was totally content..for once I didn't care if my phone rang or not.

I love my boyfriend. I love my girlfriend.
I love my life.

and everyday it's easier and easier for me to say goodbye to my past..

...and hello to my future..

Hi..umm..Steve..

I need to talk to you for a second..

Okay..it's really difficult for me to talk to you face to face about things that are bothering me because..I guess i'm nervous..about hurting your feelings more then anything else..so..i'm just gonna write it out..and hope that you understand...and understand that I know where your coming from..because I do..know where your coming from...I just want you to know how I feel..

I want our relationship to be in it's first stages..because..it is for me..
I wouldn't walk around naked in front of you..and so..you know..
and I wouldn't show you certain parts of my body unless we were gonna...
so..you know...

Honey...what i'm saying here is that..I want it to be..special when we're naked or when we're looking at each other..and it's harder for me to think it's special when I see you naked like that..

...I hope you understand what i'm saying..

..I just want it to be..special ..for me..when were doing things..

so...if you could try to be a little more..modest..boxers would be fine..that's why we bought them...

..I hope i'm not asking too much of you..
and if we could just..let it be like this...for awhile..until I get comfortable with you...

...I hope you understand..

what would you say if..

I told you that i'm not who you think I am?
I told you it isn't going to be easy for you to get inside my pants?
I told you that I second guess every aspect of my like every second of every day?
I told you that sometimes I can't breathe?
I told you that most of the time my mind is somewhere else?

What would you say?
What would you do?

I'm over stressed...I'm thinking to much..i'm feeling too much...i'm on the verge of ..something ..and I don't know what..i'm not feeling well..i'm not thinking straight..i'm not..okay..

I think I want to be a buddhist...

no..seriously...

I know no one really believes me..but it doesn't matter...I think it's what I want..

It's hot..and I'm still tired..

There's a fly under the window..and it's making noise and bugging me..

I had so much to say before I actually started writing..shit..umm..

I watched the last kiss..it made me cry really hard..Zach Braff is so amazing...it's a really good movie..

I still miss someone..actually I miss a lot of people...

My life has changed so much..it hurts to think about it..

I don't know..i'm getting worn out..AGAIN...but Grey's Anatomy starts soon..

You know what it is? I have no escape...no vacation away from EVERYTHING...I'm all alone up here...and I don't know what to do about that...i've never had to stay in one place..and now I do...now I have to be...still..

I'm disappointed in Eddie for not being as strong as I thought he was....but then again..maybe I should have seen that coming..

*Sigh*

I'm so ...tired..of being here...

I wanna drive..and drive...until I can actually breathe....
I can't breathe..

I CAN'T BREATHE

We won't discuss this..

you can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking

but it's just the temperature
then again if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
-it's-not-the-way-i'm-meant-to-be-
it's just the way the operation made me

So..I'm not doing all that well currently.
You are hurting me
All of you
...Or maybe ...

....Maybe i'm hurting myself...

It's probably the latter..

Your words hurt.
Your looks hurt.
The way you touch me hurts
Everything hurts.

I'm empty and alone right now..

and everyone single one of you are using me to fill some selfish place inside you that's empty..and i'm getting really sick of it...

...No one really cares how I feel...
No one realy cares what I want..
...No one -really- cares
About me.

Because if you did..
You wouldn't rush me..
You wouldn't push or pull..
....You wouldn't be scared to see me..
You wouldn't do and say things with me
that you wont -always- be able to do

I am taking time for myself whether you want me to or not..
Whether you believe that I am or not

It's my life..
It's my FUCKING sanity...
So let me take care of myself
Because if you dont
I'm going to loose myself..

STOP PLAYING GAMES WITH MY FUCKING HEAD.

...excuse me...

I'll be back..in awhile..

We'll float on good news is on the way..

God i'm tired..

I can feel the period looming over my head..gross..

I have to work today..at the jewel in franklin park..cool huh?

I can't wait for saturday..Emily's party is going to be the -shit-
I plan on just letting everything out..

it'll be good for me..

so anyways..I think i'm taking a vacation this christmas..

My nose is so stuffy

gah..I hate having a stuffy nose..gah!

I'm still avoiding homework..my hands are really dry...this is kinda random..

Eddie hasn't called me..I wonder what he's up to...

...hmm..I'll do that quiz now..

I drank to much..

I hate when I do that thing where I drink a lot because I wanna disappear..

Sorry Lissa, sorry Steve..I just..couldn't do it today...

It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's coking me up...

"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.

Only one of you will really understand this blog..
But all of you will think you will.

I have a feeling..
Like everything will end up okay..
Like I will be happy in the end.

I don't know where were going..
I dont really care..

This is going to sound weird:
I trust you..
Even though I never have before..
Maybe i'm at the bottom..
Maybe It's because I have nothing left to lose
I have a lot to lose..

Reguardless..You have my trust..
Something you've asked for ..for so long..
and I could never give you.

It's funny...
You didn't ask for it..
But yet i'm giving it to you..

...I guess it's because i'm neurotic..

So sue me..

It's gonna be a long night..

I'm under stress..

Fucking unneeded stress...

I'm coupling two totally different things togeather in my head..and the result is that I feel like i'm going to be or already have been raped...fucked up? yeah I know..trying actually being inside my body...my body thinks something is seriously wrong here..

I dont know what to do...I don't know what to say..

um...I'm sorry I feel this way?
I'm sorry it's hard for me to be around you lately..
I'm sorry I shake on the inside when you touch me
I'm sorry we have this set back...because it's my fault too..

I...honestly don' t know what to say...

We'll try again...when I convince myself that you haven't let me down...

I'm sick...but I don't know what's wrong...yuck
I get these adrenaline rushs of energy and then i'm dead for the rest of the day...it sucks

Why are you doing this body?
...eh..



.

Did you know..Death threats cause stress

I'm having some trouble sleeping...umm...I don't want to be cut up into pieces...I don't want to be raped either for that matter...

The door's open....normally we don't leave the door open..but it's cool out tonight..and all the windows are open too..

and I'm aware that i'm putting myself under more stress then is needed, but I can't help it..it's a terrifying thought..especially thinking about how much I fucked with his head over the last 3 weeks...

...I don't know...i'm making myself sick over the whole thing..and I know i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight...I don' t know what to do...

I'm distant..I feel sick...I'm hot..I just don't feel like doing..anything...not even sleeping..

gah...bad night..bad..bad night..

Why would you say that to someone? I mean..why? What would have to be wrong with you to threaten someone like that..jesus...

...Jesus...

I'm gonna go..sit..in a corner somewhere...

Burn it down 'til the embers smoke on the ground..

~and start anew when your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue~

I love death cab..so fucking much...

I feel like eddie wants to fight with me...everytime he calls we end up arguing over our past...and I suppose that's because if it had gone any other way we might still be togeather..and I think ..we..can't let that go...

...there's this huge "what if"...and nothing to do except let it go...

...He doesn't want to see me...no one I know thinks I should see him...so I guess it's not a good idea...but you know...I want to see him for closure more than anything else...just to be standing there next to him so I can think "oh okay..yeah....I got it.." in my head..I dont know..

I'm kinda getting sick of fighting with him about stupid shit that I don't even really care about anymore, but he makes me feel like I was terrible person ..for three years of my life..and I didn't even know it...how am I supposed to react to feeling that way?

...but yeah...switching gears

Sexually..i'm pretty fucked up right now..I know consciously that I wasn't used..that he generally cares about me..I know all that...but my body doesn't...i'll be fine..i'll be fine, i'll be fine, i'll be fine...

Me and Missa are doing really well...I love you gorgeous..I love you.

...other than that..I think i'm getting sick..I don't know what's wrong with me..but I don't feel all that well....we'll see how that goes..

Okay...homework...astronomy...right after I talk Mike down..

What my life is like..

Sitting on ferris wheel's watching fireworks with my girlfriend..

Being cooked mac and cheese by my boyfriend and not having to do anything but eat..

Sitting in cars talking about the future..

Making out in cars while thinking about the future oh so previously talked about..

Singing "Basket ball jones" annoyingly at 3am while working next to my girlfriend just to see her reaction...

Cuddling...Hugging..Foot massages..back massages...constant massages in general...

My gorgeous GORGEOUS girlfriend...who could be a goddess if such a thing exsists..

Two wops...haha...two wops...who fit together so well it's almost a joke..

Some quotes:

"And then you guys can start making lots of puppies that she can take care of"-Me
*Everyone laughs*
"What? WHAT? WHAAAAT"-Me
"....Fuck you guys.."-Me

"One day i'm gonna be talking to you, and holding your hand..and your gonna have a beer in your other hand..the one your forced to wave around while you talk, and your gonna spill it everywhere"-Steve

"...and I like your...toes...their bubbley"-Missa

"What? They give you free emergency contraceptive? Missa! Amanda gets FREE emergency contraceptive!!"-Me
"Amanda, you gotta give us like 5 boxes of that shit"-Missa
"Ten boxes!"-Me
"Okay" -Amanda
"NO, we aren't joking amanda" -Me and Missa

"Don't screw this up!"- Mooney

I am going to cut my nose off..

So..after working 11 hours yesterday cleaning up some other merchandizers horrible mess of a reset lissa and I have decided to get their name's and addresses and slow send those bitches a vitamin at a time...so they'll remember what they did to us..

Fuckin incompatant people..piss me off...

AND I WANT TO WATCH LOST!!!

...no ..on a serious not I feel pretty fuckin good about my life right now...i'm so amazing!

Macro-Vent session

All right...I gotta get it out.
I am NEVER shopping at F.Y.E again...those fuckin bastards...
Here's the story:

I live a good 45 mins away from the store...so I call out there today after my last class and the conversation goes as follows:
Me: "Hi, I'm wondering is you guys are selling Lost: Season 2"
Worker: "As a matter a fact we are, their right in front of me"
Me: "Great, can you put a copy on hold under the name Ally for me?"
Worker: " I sure can, when will you be here to pick it up?"
Me: "I'll actually be there in about 30 mins"
Worker: "All-right, we'll see you then"

So I walk into the store and intend to be given my fucking copy of Lost: Season 2
But no.

He said to me "I have it right here, but it doesn't come out until tuesday"
*jaw drops*
Me: Excuse me...I called and you said they were on sale
Him: "I'm sorry theres nothing I can do for you"
*Jaw drops farther*
Me: But...I just from like an hour to get here..
Him: "I'm sorry..there's nothing I can do for you"

and then lissa pulled me out of the store.

Mother fuckers.

So anyway..here is what I wanted to say to you FYE man:

I am a college student who only has a few nerdy pleasures inbetween class, sex, eating and sleeping. I have been counting down the days until I get to watch my favorite TV show on repeat while doing homework, having sex, eating and sleeping. I called you, and you lied to me. How hard is it for you to do your fucking job? Honestly? Your a fucking dumbass who has no concern for anyone else but yourself and your money... I'm so pissed at you...and I will never EVER forgive you, You ruined my day. I don't care what your reasons for lying to me were, you've hurt me emotionally...and we can never EVER be friends. Asshole.

So...now that I got that out I feel a lot better.
But I will never shop there again. Ever.

Fucker.

Side note: I was so upset after the inital shock that I was forced to go to hot topic and buy 16 and 14 gage earings...which cost me 32.00 ..now I think F.Y.E should reimburse me the 35 dollars for my pain and suffering. Dammit.

Why do you think your the only one getting hurt in this situation?

I keep hurting people..

All I want to do is be happy..
I need force right now..
I need to be very submissive..
I need someone to take me, and wrap me up, or throw me down..or -whatever- and force me to be happy..

Because if you leave it to me..if you let me run the show...I'll end up hurting everyone in the cast out of fear that I don't know how to direct..

that's just how it is right now..
I'm sorry I can't be what you want melissa...but i'm just me..

...as damaged as that might be..

Stuck in my head..and my heart aswell

I had a problem with just giving over to trust...I fought it..and it eventually bit me in the ass...and now I don't know what to do about that..I should probably just let it go..start over...and that wouldn't be so hard except that...i've lost something...someone...who was so amazing..for all of his faults..

How do I let that go?

...I don't know...
I don't know how to heal..

Someone help me..

This is a war
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
I hope you come down with something they can't diagnose,
don't have the cure for
Holding on to your grudge
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love

We're consentrated on falling apart
We were contenders, now throwing the fight
I just want to believe...I just want to believe..in us

So let it go
This is the grace only we can bestow
This is the price you pay for loss of control
This is the break in the bend
This is the closest of calls
This is the reason you're alone
This is the rise and fall

DUDE!

Sign language is the coolest class in the entire world! Whoop.
That's all.

umm..excuse me ..

I need some space.
I need all of the people that "like me" to back the fuck off for two seconds so I can breathe..I can't breathe..I feel like i'm being smoothered

...Give me some space...I don't know who I am or what I want yet..

..There. That feels better.

College..is hard...what?

I love all my classes..except sociology..

Astronomy is currently my favorite...philosopy and public speaking are close seconds..

Haven't started sign language yet..so i'm not sure where that falls

It's work though...a lot of work...I just read 25 pages of ...nothing..bleck

I'm not really having that good of a day to tell you the truth..
I should be..

I got a lap top..and my classes are good...and everything is seemingly fine..

...except..it's not.
I'm shaking underneath...

I'm bloody shaking..

I saw steve 'o today...and he was like "Al..never thought i'd be seeing you at TRITON"

...ouch..

umm...I pretty sure i'm relapsing..because of a stupid comment someone who doesn't even know me said..that's not healthy..

um...shit..

*looks around*

...*walks away from the computer*

I need you so much closer..

I tried writing..and nothing is coming out right... It's all way to complex for me to make sense of ..so ..music..fucking read the lyrics and i'll tell you why

Because these are my thoughts..don't write them off just because someone else published them better then I could..dammit.

Eddie:

And so it is Just like you said it would be Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is The shorter story No love, no glory
And so it is
Just like you said it should be We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is The colder water
Did I say that I love you?
Did I say that I want toLeave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you...
'Til I find somebody new
- The Blower's Daugther

Please don't make me cry
Please don't make me cry
I'm just like you, I know you know
I'm just like you, so leave me alone

I wonder, why cant you see
You’re just not near enough like me
With your telescope eyes, metal teeth
I can’t be seen with you, you see
Please don't make me cry
-Eisley





Melissa:

These streets Turn me inside out
Everything shines But leaves me empty still
And I'll burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I'll change my world for you
I'll stay with you

I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you, turn me toward the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?
- Smashing Pumpkins

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do About you now
-Oasis



Steve:

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along
just to make it through
- All American Rejects


Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
And she will be loved
She will be loved
-Maroon 5


Mike:

She shines In a world full of ugliness.
She matters when everything is meaningless.
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty.
She tries to get away.

Sometimes, it's just that nothing seems worth saving.

I won't let you fall apart.
I won't let you fall apart.

He reads the minds of all the people as they pass him by,hoping someone can see.
If I could fix myself I'd - but it's too late for me.

I won't let you fall apart
It's something I have to do.
I was there, too,before everything else,I was like you.
-Nine inch nails

Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out
She was a day Tripper
A one way ticket
Yeah

Tired to please her
but she only played one night stands
She's a day tripper
and it took me so long
to find out
What I found out.
-The Beatles

Whatever this phase is..I'm pretty sure I don't like it

..Everything will be all right, Everything will be all right..

5 o'clock this morning, and i'm smack in the middle of a really really bad thunderstorm.
One that's involving my fucked up life, and the other that involves the wheather.

I have a message on my phone where my new ex-boyfriend is telling me he's contemplating suicide (again) only this time he's seeing monsters that are yelling at him and ..doing other monster like things.

Great.

Steve is in a lot of pain because of his eyes, and he's every other thought in my head now..is he okay, should I be over there..ect

I'm tired, more tired then i've ever been..

Everything is on me, every decision I make is souly mine, every person I hurt, every person I make happy is based on the decisions I make..and it's too much..

I hurt someone really bad..and I honest to god didn't mean to ..

It wouldn't have mattered what I did in the situation..I would have hurt someone.

Suicide...I pushed someone to suicide..
I have to live with that.

I'm incredibily fucked up right now..

I'm not really sure how much farther I can fall..and I haven't even started college yet..
This is awesome.

You love the things I say I'll do The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you You take away when I give in My life My pride is broken

Everytime I have a problem my retort is "I'm not even supposed to be here"
Well I am here.
So I'm not saying that anymore.

I am here, and I WANT to be here..so i'm not leaning on a future that was never going to happen anymore.

The clock ticks life away.

Look at me..i'm so pathetic...stuggling to hang on to something, anything that will make me happy for a moment.

I used him...not conciously..but reguardless..I used him...

God.

I was a kid when I met eddie, a child, a girl..I didn't know what I was doing..and it was all passion

I grew up.

Now love is more practical..more realistic, less story-book...with spurts of passion..

I have to take a man I love to the doctor today..and all I know right now is that ..that's real..that's life..

I know that Three people have a stronger base then two people..

I know that mike and I would have ended up just like Eddie and I ...only I would have been the coward..from the beginning..and I couldn't hurt him like that..so I stopped it before it wasn't too late.

I know that I want a future that will make me happy..I want to have a child with someone, I want to have good sex once and awhile..I want to help make dinner..I want to watch movies in the living room..I want a big bed with a canopy like lissa likes...

I want to make all of that..
I want it more than I want anything or anyone else.

So i'm in this. Let's do it.


Something just happened to me..Eddie just disappeared. From my thoughts from my life from..me..
I felt it. Right now.


I want to stand up
I want to let go.
I'm so much older then I can take.
And my affection..well it comes and goes.

Why do we hurt people that never hurt us..

Mood: Exhausted
Music: We will become silhouettes by: Postal Service

I know that a lot of people have been reading my blog lately...and that's cool..

..but I tend to write for an audience when I know that people are reading..

...This blog is different.
This one is for me.

So Mike and I have crashed and burned.
I wasn't ready.
I'm not..ready..

..and I just...

...I made a mistake..

I feel like such a shitty fucking person. I am going to hurt someone..because I wasn't clear..because I led him on..because I ...just...

shit.

Eddie wants to make this whole "getting over each other" thing seem like a fucking race...well..guess what?
I'm dropping out.

Fuck it.

I know i'm not okay.

But I know this: I will be.


So..new plan:

Be single...sort of ...for awhile..until I can heal enough to where I'm not hurting a relationship with the people I really want to be with..

No more racing, no more stupid fights...no more..

It's about me now..and my happiness..

I know where I want to end up..
Now I just have to get myself emotionally stable enough to get there

I'm so sorry to mike...i'm so ..fucking sorry...
I didn't know..
My brain didn't know..and i'm so sorry..

...god..it was never my intention....it was never my intention..

Missa...I love you so much..your my other half..you complete me..you don't compliment, you complete..you must know that..and i'm sorry I hurt you..i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry..

I just need more time..

I thought I was ready..

....wait for me..wait just a little longer..and I promise everything is going to be okay..

Steve..I do love you..I love you for all your commitment..all your energy that you put into me..sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it..thank you so much..

Thank you both ...for following me..for letting me go crazy..for forgiving me when I hurt you..

...Your both right, and I know you are...it will take time to get over a three year routine..

but the bottom line is that I want to change that routine..I have the desire..I just have to make it happen

...I haven't been the best person lately..
I've been rather selfish with my emotions..
I'm working on it...

Thank you all for your patience..

..Just a little more time...
..Stick by my side..please

I love you both so much.

and i'll be happy for you, when it's your turn..

Mood: jumbled
Music: Potion for Foxes By: Rilo Kiley

The talking leads to touching and the touching leads to sex..and then there is no mystery left..and i'm bad news..baby i'm bad news..i'm just bad news bad news bad news..

Okay..so here I go..

Mike and I are togeather
Boyfriend and girlfriend..

*nods*

All right...*deep breath*

I am so fucking scared.

The bottom line is that he makes me happy, I make him happy, and we wanna make that go somewhere..
He's really respectful of my need to move slow..so that's good..

so ..it's gonna be slow moving..

Hopefully we won't crash and burn..

stick around..

I get back up and I do it again

Mood: a little tired and a little nervous
Music: Why do you love me By: Garbage

So I found someone..

Yesterday was the one month anniversery of my life as a single person..and of course I freaked out and started loosing it..just like I always do..so I called Eddie..and he was helping..I think..a little..and then his phone died..and I started sobbing..pretty hard..

and I called Mike..

and when he told me he was busy I said "nevermind" ..but he didn't take that as an answer..and ..then..he was there with me..

and the weird thing is...I wanted him to be there..

Truth?
I've liked Mike for a long time..
Truth?
I feel like I really connect with him..

I don't think this is a rebound...I had my rebound...I had two of them..
I think this is..genuine

I don't know where him and I will go..I don't know how far or for how long..
But I know that no matter what happens ..I won't hurt him..

Because I will not hurt people anymore.

I just want interaction, connection, love, playfulness, emotion..

I just want life..
so if the opportunity to connect with someone who is avalible comes along...and i'm avalible to take it..i'm gonna take it..

I'm scared- I'm scared as hell..
Eddie broke me.
I feel like I fixed myself with scotch tape..

Now I have to see if it holds.. and I think the best way to do that is to move really slow..
really...really slow..

Me: " I don't know what i'm doing...but I think i'm all-in"
Him: "Then i'm all-in too"

..and then I fell asleep in the woods..

Mood: rested
Music: I will follow you into the dark By: Death Cab for Cutie

Me: "But...How will I be able to trust you?"
Him: "Because, I will take a key *takes imaginary key from pocket" and unlock my chest "unlocks chest", and then I will take out my heart and hand it to you *does so* and hope that you don't break it.."
Me: "oh my god..did you just say that??"
Him: "*laughs* yeah.."
Me: *Pause* ...we should be writing this down"

...so I wrote it down...

and i'm thinking about everything we said..and it makes me feel really good..
we should go one night..and drive..until we can see the stars...I would like that..


I never expected to feel like this again..where did you come from..and is it safe to fall in..because I think i'd like falling in..

Me: "A friend of mine told me that you should follow your heart. It doesn't matter what other people are doing...the one's closest to your heart will forgive you."
Him: "Al..that was me..just a little while ago"
Me: "Oh..so it was.."

I'm a war of head verses heart and it's always this way; My head is weak and my heart always speaks before I know what it will say..

I'm pretty scared right now..because I have ambitions..and I really ...don't want to read too much into them..

Go slow..

Someone shoot me in the head

I am in so much fucking pain..

...oh my god..

My stomach is being ripped out of my body right now..

Just kill me..gah

owowowowowowowowowowowow
owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

oh god..
*dies*

Sorting my emotions..

All right..I can do this..because it's my blog and my copeing mechanism and my..space..

I'm starting to think that maybe you really did have a good excuse for why you didn't get online..maybe one of your friends was really upset and needed you..maybe it's something good like that..

and if I is...I feel like a real asshole..

But i'm not for one second pretending that what I said doesn't apply to how I feel when you do things like this..

and so i'm not trying to guilt trip you..but i'm just venting..in my blog..

so I guess it'll play out however it plays out..

I just hope that when I ask "what happened the other night?" I don't get "I fell asleep" or "I forgot" or "..."

because that would mean i'm right
and I want to be wrong Ed..

Prove me wrong..

I'm starting to think you just don't fucking care.

Mood: Pissed off ass hell
Music: Good day: By The Dresden Dolls


Your an ass.
"I'll talk to you in 20 minutes"
My ass.
It's been two hours since then, so fuck you...

I can only think of one excuse that would make up for this..and I doubt that's it...
I doubt that it's what I think it is, and if I is..i'll apologize..but if it's not

Fuck off, ass.

You were a shitty boyfriend, and you're a shitty friend.
You couldn't even call or get online to tell me you weren't gonna talk..what is that shit? It's not like there aren't computers in every room..

You know what? You suck.

I hope you have an excuse...I really do..in fact i'm rooting for you..
But I doubt you do.
Because that's how you are..

So here it is..the song..the song that makes me get over you..everytime I hear it..
I've even highlighted the most important lines..because I know if I don't, you won't even bother to look at it..and don't forget, i've written more after the song lyrics..which I hand typed out myself...because that's how upset you make me..

Suck on this bitch.


So you don't wanna hear about my good day? You don't wanna hear about how I am getting on, with all the things that I can get done. So you don't wanna hear about my good day. You have better things to do then to hear me say; god it's been lovely day, everythings been going my way, I took out the trash today and i'm on fire.


So you don't wanna hear about my good friends, you don't have the guts to take the truth and consequence. Success is in the eye of the beholder, and it's looking even better over your cold shoulder

You don't think about the bridges you are burning, and i'm burning.


I picked up the pieces of my broken ego, I have finally made my piece as far as you and me go..but i'd like to have you over to see the place..i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.

Ever since you went away, hey i'm on fire.
I'm on fire
I'm on -fire-
*BIG insturmental break*

*sighs*

Eddie...i'm so sick of your fucking shit...I really am..
All i'm asking for you to do..is to do what you say you'll do...how hard is that?
Our friendship must not mean all that much to you..huh..
I must not mean all that much to you..

you know what...

It's all good...
I don't need you anyway..

I just wish I could have the pleasure of your friendship..but I guess i'm not good enough for that..

Whatever.

Let me try it like this..

If I had a million dollars..I'd buy the singer from Death Cab.
Just so I could ask him to sing to me whenever I need to hear him.."
Plus I think he's adorable.

New plan..I will save myself until I get to have sex with the singer from death cab.

.........maybe not....


Anyways..Work ..omg...I am working my ass off..

It''ll be good..to have money...to open a bank account...it'll be good for me.

All of my "going away to college" friends are gone...but it's okay..because i'll just call them all the time..

I won't loose them..or jillian and jackie...or you...for that matter

I won't loose anyone.

I don't know why I couldn't just tell you that..I don't want you "to not talk to me for awhile" because that doesn't help..what I should have just told you is that I need to just establish a relationship with you, whatever that new relationship may be..and stick with it..that way I can go though whatever emotional cycle I need to and eventually just...be okay..

...I should have said that..

Gah..I can't wait to start college...

I need some social interaction.
I feel pretty good though...

It's still hard...not having you..

but it's okay...

and it's gonna be okay..

You were so good to me...and I connected with you..

I hope that doesn't go away..
I hope that the best..of us..doesn't go away..

I wonder if you got your part...

I get to go to tech on monday...I was like..."awesome"

haha...it's still leyden..but so what...it's Chris..and it's ..awesome
I am a little nervous about telling him that I didn't go to GA..but hey..isn't the fact that i'm gonna show up..telling him? I know he'll understand..but he'll probably give me a look...eh..looks are looks..

Who's that girl you took pictures of today? Do you like her? ...yeah i'm nosey..

anyway...

I'm pretty tired..so i'm gonna go to be..

hopefully you really do read my blog...and if you do then hopefully we'll talk soon..a two sided conversation would be pretty nice..haha..

oh no..I feel a relapse coming on...

I've moved from Hurt to pissed-off and now I think i'm moving from pissed-off to denial...
Not good.

unless after denial comes acceptance..where is the acceptance phase?

Will I get there soon?

By the end of the month maybe?

...I wish he would just come back..
...in any way shape or form...
because this disappearing from my world thing...is not going over so hott..

I should probably stop putting points on his best buy card..I should probably email the phone back..I should probably just leave everything alone..

Why can't I?
Why did he hurt me so bad?
Does he even still care about me?
When will I fucking move on..




So...I heard this song..reminded me of my situation..

...I gotta go to work.



All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you
and when you go go go go
I know It never ends (Never ends)

I'm wishing you
You feel the same and just come back to me

When it's over
Can I still come over?
And when it's over
Is it really over?

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way?
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

I'm dropping my bad habits..you'd be proud

I moved too fast, tried to heal too fast..

I tried so hard to be okay...but i'm not.
I'm not okay...i'm just not.

I don't love anyone.

I can't love anyone.

I don't really like myself all that much..and i'm not really much of person right now..

I never wanted to go to Georgia..but I never wanted to stay here either..and that's the truth..as plainly as I can put it..

I would have been cool with either one..

I did love Eddie. Now I don't know..actions say so much about your personality..and I don't know if I could ever love the person that Eddie is ..right now..which doesn't matter anyway because i'll probably never talk to him again.

I don't cry anymore...I just get tears that well up in the back of my eyes..maybe one or two fall..but not as many..it's terrible..I feel like that..spunk that I had is fadeing ...I guess you were a big part of keeping that alive..and I just didn't know it..

I'm hopeing this phase will pass...i'm hopeing i'll realize that I'm just depressed because everyone is leaving and I have nothing to do..

I was serious when I told Amanda that she's the only one of us that's getting out of this shit-ass town..

*deep breath*

Does anyone know me?
Do I even know myself?

When am I going to fucking start COLLEGE

...I think that's what I need...

College..

There's beauty in the break down..

So you know that speaking plainly thing? Yeah...I think i'm gonna try that..just for a moment.
..Today was not a good day in the life of -me-
Today was shitty.
Jill and Jackie (and emily) left...
..which wouldn't have been so bad except I now associate "leaving" with only one thing
Eddie.
Brett's leaving on the 17th..but he's already gone anyway..
Amanda's leaving...Amanda...my fucking rock..
Begovich left..
And it's just like...too much..
It was too much for me today..
...to associate all that leaving with Eddie.

No more pretending or lying. I miss Eddie. I miss talking to him, and laughing at his sarcastic whitty sometimes overly bold jokes..I miss his personality..I miss the way he can make me feel so ...happy..

You know what sucks? I feel like I don't have a unique personality..maybe that's because everyone around me is SO unique...I don't know..maybe I am unique...i'm not sure..

a good friend of mine was feeling suicidal yesterday...and I freaked out on the person...I mean like seriously yelling at them for the way they felt...I don't know why I did that...I think it was because I want to feel suicidal but I can't...because of all the people I know i'd hurt..and it pissed me off that someone that I personally would love to have the life of...felt so low...

I feel bad for yelling...but at the same time I don't...

Amanda and I were talking...about how i'm single now...and I told her...that it freaks me out that I don't have a goal anymore...eddie was a goal that I set for myself...whether it was to make it two more months so that I could see him...or to wait three years so that I could leave here...I was always setting a goal..and he was always my excuse to do that...and now that excuse is gone..and i'm afraid that i'll fall into a rhytmn that I don't really want to be in...because I don't have a goal for myself..

I don't want to loose myself...

I'm Alexandra ...and I have awesome potential...

...and I don't want to waste it..

I also miss loving someone...I have all these people that love me...but I don't really love anyone..not in the way that I loved eddie...I don't have someone that I really -want- like -desire- like -desire passionately- to make love to... Eddie was the only person I ever really WANTED to be under, or on or all over...and now I don't have anyone...and i'm so sad...because I feel like my ability to love like that is broken...because of fear...because of pain...because of longing.. I feel like it's broken...

and I don't know how to fix it..

I'm so afraid that i'll never heal right...that i'll never be okay....

...that i'll always be alone..

...that I won't find someone that makes me as happy as eddie did...

...I'm so fucking afraid..

...so like I said...today wasn't a good day for me...at all...

and i'm asking myself..why i'm still writing..

and so i'm thinking a lot...

Eddie's gone, and I don't know if he's ever coming back..

and I don't think it matters right now...

Even though...I thought he was my friend..

We all get decieved sometimes..

Rebounds...I don't want to rebound..

I'm scared. I'm scared that something great won't be as great as something that was..great..

But how will I know if what was great was even great if I don't try something else that's potentially great aswell...I mean that great thing could have only been good...how will I know unless I try?

Slowly...I'm...i'm walking through quicksand here..

I have so much to think about...my life, my future, my body, my emotions...

and i'm sinking...quickly...in this sand...

and what sucks the most is that there are these...wonderful people waiting to pull me out when my head goes under too far...but i'm afraid to ask for their help..

urgh..analogies...why don't I just speak plainly..

Okay...let's try that...

Why did this happen to me?
Why am I where I am right now?
How will I ever know all that could have been?
Why do I care what could have been?
Why am I moving on so fast?


....Why am I asking so many questions...

...I should just go with it..

And all that could have been..

I have something I should be doing right now...but i've got these thoughts in my head
And I need to write them down...get them out...something..

I don't know where i'm going...

I was so happy with where my life was...with who I was with...and who I wasn't..

and now i'm afraid of the change that's comming..

I'm afraid of the realization that i'm not in love with eddie anymore..

that those feelings..those smells..that sense of touch and ..sound and all of the way that it was...is not how it will be ...now..

Because of the change...

You think it'll be a certain way forever..

but the wind changes all the time...

and i'm not saying it's a bad thing...don't get me wrong...i'm just saying...i'm nervous...because what if the "high" that i'll get with where I am now...isn't as good as the high I had before..

College here I come!!

So I registered today, and I really feel better..I've been going up and down a lot lately..and I think that what I need is to just..start...college...start..my life..

By next june i'll be in an apartment, or a condo...or somewhere that isn't my house..I hope. I hope it happens..because the plan is awesome..and I'm so sick of awesome plans going to shit in the last few weeks before they're supposed to happen..

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, by my wonderful cousin, who is the shit..

I also have another date...I think...I...don't know if it's a date so I shouldn't say that..

Other than that..everything's going well...I put new pictures up on myspace..

So here is my scedule:

Monday, Wenesday, and Friday:
Intro to Sociology : 9:00am- 9:50
Intro to Philosophy: 10:00am- 10:50
Principles of Effective Speaking: 11:00- 11:50
Hour Lunch Break!!!
Astronomy: 1:00pm-2:25pm

Done for the day

No class on Thursdays!!

Tuesdays:
American Sign Language: 5:30pm- 10:05pm

So you know..i'm really happy...because I got everything I wanted in terms of which classes i'm taking, and I got them at the times I wanted too...so ..yeah..

and the theatre cordinator is the instructor for all my liberal arts courses
..so that's pretty fuckin sweet

...it's gonna be awesome...

.....How could I have wanted anything else?

....seriously.....

Concert Crazy

I have seen so many concerts in the last week...I thought I'd get sick of if, but I didn't not for one second.

What an awesome way to end the summer.

I was watching like the 20th concert in a row..and I was really thinking, while looking at the stage when it hit me...that I can't imagine anything making me as happy has theatre..

So ..theatre it is...technical or not, doesn't matter..

I'm not pretending like I don't have two years... but I think it's good for me to say out loud where I am in my thinking..

I don't want to be that person..who doesn't go as far as she could because of some stupid reason.

I'm better than that.

Boys..they're everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I think one day i'll look at someone and think "I want him" ...and then it shall be done..

I'm pretty much trying to keep my hopes high...

...Because I just want to be happy..

...Alone or with someone...doesn't matter..

so anyway..here's the list of bands I saw :
Blue october
Cursive
Panic! At the disco
Editors
The Raconteurs
Violent Femmes
Death Cab For Cutie

Coheed and Cambria
Wolfmother
Kill Hannah
Dresden Dolls

The Frames
Ben Kweller
30 seconds to mars
The Shins
She wants revenge
Queens of the Stone Age
Broken Social Scene
Red Hott chili peppers





Violent Femmes

I want to start over..

...I want to be okay...

I want to forget everything that I had..

I want to just...be okay...with where I am..

I want to fast forward, why can't this summer be over..

....I want my life to fucking start....


Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life

Let go..jump in...what're you waiting for..

Don't cry. Do not cry. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. You weren't meant to be with him, he never really -loved- you...he doesn't really know you. It's impossible to know someone 800 miles away. It was about security. It wasn't real. He was never really real..and you don't matter to him.. Your just a girl, he knew once..Your gone, he's gone, it's gone...Your here now, in chicago, where your meant to be, so just be here, just live here, find someone else, your attractive, you'll find someone else, it'll all work out..he's not what you want anyway, you fight all the time, he's not a good match for you, he let you go, you wanted to go, you were in love with someone else anyway, so let it go, just let it go...stop thinking about that what if's because they don't exsist, learn how to fall asleep alone, learn how to live...alone...be yourself, find yourself, love yourself..let it go, just let it go...it's his lose, it's his mistake...you'll be happier, he'll be happier, he is happier...you weren't meant to be together, he doesn't want you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't want you, there are people out there that do, that will love you better, more fully, with more effort, find those people, let those people find you, let him go, let him go, let ...him...go...he lives in Georgia, he's meant to be in Georgia, let the pain go DAMMIT, LET THE PAIN GO..STOP DRINKING, STOP HURTING, STOP..JUST STOP!!!! JUST GET OVER IT. Just get over it, over him..over it...over all the mistakes...everyone makes mistakes...let it go

...just let it go
Let ..it...go...

Let...go....

....Do not cry. Don't cry. It's not worth it. You won't get anywhere...it won't help anything..

just sleep...

sleep...

....sleep it off....

Let it go.
Let go.

I feel like just typing at random

Man..I think i'm hurting right now...I mean...I know I am...I just don't know why...I'm not unhappy...I'm just...hurt...and trying to heal..

It's weird.

I want to watch Elizabethtown so bad...but I know it will make me cry, and so...I can't...and I just keep watching it over and over again in my head.

I like Hooka...I think i'm good at it...not that it's something you can be good at..but you know what I mean...I enjoy it...and I really like Sheesha's coffee house...I think it's my new spot...its awesome...it's calming...

It's better than drinking wine coolers so that I can fall asleep...

I only had one outburst today...and was when someone said I should switch to T-mobil...and that I was stupid for having verison...I wanted to scream and yell on and on about how it isn't my fault Eddie left me 20 days before the rest of my life..and that I'm not switching my plan until I have to because this is not the way it was supposed to be and blah blah blah...but I just let it go...and saved it for posting here...

I think he hurt me really bad....like...to my core..

I'm not an idiot ...I saw it comming...I just...hoped..it wouldn't ...come...

But what can I do?
Nothing.
Move on.
Move along.
"and even when your hope is gone move along move along like I know yah do"
-all american rejects-

I'm excited about lollapalooza...i'm not excited about being hot...I heard amanda threw up at sixflags...I don't want to throw up..

Brett took me off his friends list...I don't know what that means...I don't know if that means anything...I'll wait...I'll just keep waiting...he's hurting me too...slowly...he's leaving me...

I like Habisscuss flavored tobacco better than apple..

Nothing I want out of my life is currently acceptable...
and I need to accept that..

....I'll get back to you..

Man...I'm exhausted...and hurting...

I have this good friend...his name is Eddie..

He left me, and there's nothing I can do about it...

My father's voice is in my head..the way he makes everything so simple, and he's telling me that if we are meant to be, Eddie and I will find each other again..

But how do two people find each other when they're eight hundred miles away?

I've never been one to have faith..but that's all I can do..

...Have faith that he wont find someone as good as me?
...Have faith that as we grow and turn and mature we'll still love each other?
...Have faith that I wont find someone as good as him?

...Faith is the hardest thing for me to have...

I can't stop imagining this other women..who I don't even know yet...underneath him...ontop of him....in love with him...

It's not something i've ever been through..and i'm scared of how much it's going to hurt..

I guess all I can really do now is be his friend..and wait...and ....wait...

There were a lot of times when I thought I wasn't in love with eddie..and frankly...there were a lot of times when I ...wasn't..inlove with him...but I always loved him..

I guess this is the beginning of a very long road...I can't really see the end of it...and I don't really know who's walking it with me...

I hope that Eddie and I end up together...that would make me ...so happy..

but I have to realize that it might not...probably won't...happen...

*closes my eyes*

Realize it.......realize......it......


....*sigh*....

Maybe sometime this week it'll happen...

Live right now, and just be yourself..

...It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else...

Mood: Tranquil
Music: Jimmy eat world: The middle

College!!! YAY!!! no, seriously YAY!!!

I did it, i'm doing it, i'm going to get it done...and that makes me really happy..

So i'm going to use this time to..become me..not that i'm not -me- right now...I'm just going to become more clearly me...you get it..

I'm happy...which is wierd because sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be happy...but I am..I'm not still sad...I get sad sometimes...but most of the time I'm happy...and i'm happy that i'm happy..

Brett is an asshole..(*gasp* I'm posting that in a blog on myspace *gasp*)

Yeah, he's an asshole who couldn't even make time to be my friend...when I needed him most...yeah..that's really shitty and an asshole thing to do..

but you know what? It doesn't matter...because all that really matters right now...is..me...and the people I care about..

so WHACHA!

Garden State:
But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.
That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

I think I hurt my neck..

I passed out last night, while I was getting my tattoo..

I'm really mad at myself, because I thought I would be okay..and I feel like I made a scene..and I wasn't trying to..

I was just like "I..need to sit down" and then I did and then all of a sudden WHAM -out-

...I'm so mad at myself...

Tattoo came out nice though...

"Trying to make some sense of it all, but I see that it makes no sense at all."

Wrapped around my left ankle..

I'm already in love with it, it belongs there...

I called Eddie when I woke up and calmed down a little...it was sort of a dumb thing to do, call your ex-boyfriend after you pass out...but I needed to talk to like...a family member...and he was the closest thing to me for a really long time...so I just..needed to hear "Your okay" from someone who...

ah fuck it, I called him OKAY no big deal.

So anyway..

Placement tests today...I really don't want to...my head hurts...and I have no money..because I tipped mike like 80 bucks...because I love him and he's awesome...

so yeah...I'm tired now..Like really tired...maybe a shower will wake me up...

I'm gonna go do that, cuz I smell..

Okay...I'm going to vent for a minute and then i'm going to let it go...

This god-damn mother-fucking ipod. First of all, it was a perfectly good ipod and it's not my fault it broke. I bought him it, he loved it, he broke it.. so...why did I offer to fix it in the first place? Why? Why did I ACTUALLY fix it? What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be out of my fucking mind. Seriously. *Screams*

You know why?

Because for some reason, I needed to apologize...for fucking up our relationship so royally. I needed to apologize for my behavior the last month we were together, for how insane I was..I needed to say "here, take this, because i'm still incredibily in love with you and I need to buy you something expensive, even though your an asshole who stepped on my heart.."

Because I want to say all those things but can't....because I don't want him to forget about me...about the good things...about the ...time we spent together..

Because I am so afraid that I threw away the best man i'll ever be with...

because for some reason I wasn't fucking good enough...I'm not fucking good enough...

I...am so mad...and upset...and hurt...

because he got everything he wanted from me...and I get...nothing...

I feel -lucky- i'm still on his myspace, i'm lucky that i'm number eight...I feel like it's a Gift that he still talks to me...like I've done something wrong

because I believe i've done something wrong...and I can't figure out what...

Because i'm fucking insane.

....I can feel myself at a cross road...and I can either go down or up...and I'm not going down...I refuse to go down.

There's this quote...

Mood: Healing.
Music: Cosy in the Rocket From: Grey's Anatomy


"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

Okay...so I don't like chemisty...but it's still a good quote..

I've been transformed...A major part of my life is ending...is over...almost...and i'm moving on..

and i'm good with that.

You know..I'm not looking for a long term relationship...I'm not looking for it...but..who knows?
Who knows what the future holds..

I feel bad...

Eddie gave me something last night...I'm so glad I called him..because he really helped me...Just like he always has..

and now I can do this...I can stand up on both of my own legs...and face whatever this future holds...

I love Eddie Key. I always always will...but it's okay that he left..

Because he needed to, and he's needed to for awhile..

I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for...I hope he lives a really fun, happy life..

and I hope I do too..

I hope that one day, Eddie will visit me, and we'll go to some awesome band or museum in the city and we'll both have an awesome time...as the great friends I know we can be..

I got my closure...and i'm good to go now..

I just hope that he'll be okay...

I hope that you'll be okay Eddie, babe.

and i'm here for you, whenever you need me.

Have fun!

I will touch the sun or I will die...trying...

Mood: Tearful
Music: Just the voice of my memories..clouding my head with insercurites

In the spirit of tradition, I am going to get my eyebrow pierced. I've wanted it for awhile..but have never gotten around to getting it...If I don' t like it, I can just take it out..

I knew a girl once who took her toungue ring out after two days of enormous pain, because she figured out that it wasn't..the right time...or it didn't look good on her...something like that..

*sigh*..I also knew this guy...who took out this girl..from his heart...after three (almost three) years of keeping her there...

...I guess he figured out that she didn't look good there...or something like that.

I'm having a little trouble withdrawing from GSU...this school of my dreams...that would have allowed me to do so much...that now i'm not ready to attend.

We all have set backs..maybe this is just a set back, and i'll find another school...or something..

My heart is so broken right now, and my head is so clouded...

I just need time...to sort this all out..

I'm not the kind of person that just gives up...even after three years of the same person giving..the minimum...or at times giving nothing at all...I filled that void with friends, other guys..with bad habits...

...bad habits die hard I guess.

I'm glad to see he hasn't taken me off of his friends list, just moved me down..to the bottom..where I belong..

where i've belonged for three years....but he just..never got around to moving me..

This pain will subside..I know that..

The habits i've formed...will slowly fade away...that urge to reach for the phone in the morning..and at night..that'll go away

even if I have to cry into melissa chest for months...

I've called on my friends...

I find it funny...he called on his friends to talk about his problems with our relationship all the time..and I never said anything...to anyone...I just kept it inside and hoped that I could fix the problem on my own..

and now i've surrounded myself with friends...to hold me up when it feels like I can't walk...to rub my shoulders when my body is covered with chills...to whisper "shh baby" in my ear at 4am when I wake up sobbing...to comment on my myspace so many times that all the pervious messages of the past are pushed away...

I found a bracelet at the bowling alley...it says "hope" on it...and it orange..the color of healing...I put it on..and took off an old bracelet from the past...

...I'm using the remaining money from my graduation to fix this goddamn Ipod..this thing he wanted so much..this thing that broke after a week of use...

Story of my life. I'll fix it, one more time...and then I'll leave it be...

There's the beautiful painting of icarus's fall from grace...it's done by an artist named Bruegel...
Icarus falls in the bottom right hand corner of the painting and he's drowing...and noone in the painting notices...or I guess...cares enough to help him...

I'm not like Icarus...in the sense that...I'll get back up...I'll build better wings then my father could, and I'll take off...right for the sun...with wings that wont melt this time...

I'll get over it...

....Eddie will get over it...

Maybe we'll be friends somewhere down the line...or maybe we'll never see each other again...

....but as for me...there's hope...it says it on my wrist ..and i'll hold on to that hope...of better things...and of fadeing pain...

until I can build some stronger wings...and fly towards that sun..

Female seeking...well..seeking...life...

Mood: calm and clear headed
Music: Wait By: Get Set Go

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear, wait till the sun gets here, and you will wait too long, he will gone. Wait. Wait till the sun shines through, wait till the sky is blue, and you will wait too long, he will be gone.

Eddie left me.

Two in the morning, I got a call..

Apparently we aren't compatable.

Well, you didn't have to tell me that. I know that opposites attract.

When I tried to explain to Eddie, that I was attracted to our uncompatable(ness), when I told him that I feel like he completed me, and when I asked him not to leave before we actually had a go of it...a real life go...I was hit with "I can't"...

Okay...he can't. Okay...I get it.

I got it.

I went into shock...real life shock. I was sitting with my feet in a very pretty foutain, and I was in complete shock. I think I would have sat there for a lot longer than I did if melissa hadn't moved me..

I went through my phases...I cried..alot. I tried to hurt myself. I got angry. Really angry (okay, i'm still angry) and then it was gone...and the calm came..

I've done a lot of thinking these last 12 hours..and I have my conclusion, I have my closure (no thanks to eddie..who has given me..well...none )..and here it is..

I know how to love. I am an awesome lover. I don't always have the right thing to say, and I don't always have the right reaction to certain situations...but I am none the less, and awsome lover.

I would have done it..As my father told me, I would have pullled that "trigger" and moved down to Georgia for the man I loved, for the man who I thought loved me..Why? Why would I have done that, despite everyone's objections, despite all the money??

Because I know how to love.

Because Eddie Calvin Key was the love of my life, and my rock. He would have made so many things possible for me. I've always wanted to travel, and I've always wanted to study somewhere where my studies were all i'd have to concentrate on...unfortunatley that isn't going to be possible now..at least not for awhile..

Just so it's clear, to everyone..I am not going to Georgia, not because of the fact that Eddie left me, but because of the fact that, Eddie left me. Don't get it? That's okay. It's because the person that would have helped me out down there, the person who would have helped me when I needed help...has broken my heart. Has proven that he is a coward, and a man who..just..isn't ready...to love.

Did we end on good terms? No, no we did not. Maybe if he had chosen not to forsake me, maybe if he had been a little nicer, and a little more understanding of what he was doing..it would be okay, and I would still be going..But it didn't happen that way...I was hit with a lot of truth's "I never wanted you to come to my college, for two reasons..ect ect" followed by a lot of "I can't" and "No"..

Like I said...no closure..

So i'm staying...here..at least for the time being..until I can become financially secure enough not to have to relay on my mother...(who has told me that eddie has not only broken one heart, but two..her's)

I don't really know what's to become of me...my american dream has been shattered..

and now it appears I will have to make my own..

Okay...

One thing i'm certain of though...I'm gonna be just fine. It isn't my fault that my partner wasn't ready, didn't want to continue, didn't want me anymore. That's not my fault. I'm good at loving someone, if I can only get the chance..

So i'll wait...for that "Mr. Right"...and hopefully he'll come along one day..and that picture of Eddie and My future..in the back of my mind...hopefully that will fade...and i'll heal without a limp...

...we'll see...

Regaurdless...i'll get over it...somehow..

Wait. Wait till the signs are right, wait till the perfect time, and he will be gone.
He will be gone...
He will be...gone...

I think my heart might explode ...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Why are you playing with my emotions like this?!
Are we friends?
ARE WE FRIENDS OR NOT BRETT?!

I don't have time. I have NO TIME. SO WHY? WHY!!
Why are you wasting it, huh?

Just tell me, just please tell me how you really feel...are you using me for cigarettes, or do you like riding around in your car with me? Is it just because you don't have anyone else to go to eat with, or do you like our conversations?

Was it just work that made you my speech partner, or did you really like working with me?

I grew up with you Brett, you said it yourself, YOU called us "just two kids, growing up together"...so where has that spirit gone?

Because the truth is...I only wanna spend my time with..you..that's all I want...is to be in your car, and not have to think...about how much I want to be in your car

So don't leave me hanging like this..

If you don't want me, if you don't want my friendship...

Then let me go..
...Please..

Painting on canvas bags...

I wish I could stay in this summer for the rest of my life.
Sometimes what's happening in my life washes over me like a waterfall and i'm sitting there stunned with a muffled "Al, are you okay? Alex? Al?" in the background..
What am I supposed to do about that?

Melissa and I are getting matching tattoo's. I put a period at the end of that sentence because it's final, were doing it, and i'm happy as hell about my decision. The tattoo is going to say "Lost without you" and the words are going to wrap around our left ankle...(this might be subject to change..but most likely not..because we've hand shaken on it)

Brett..ah brett...*sigh* brett...*grumble* brett...Brett
Where are you when I need you? It's like..your never there when I need you, and your always around when I don't need you..but then right after you leave I realize that I needed you, and Still do..you jerkface..

Stop using me.

I'm gonna start pulling my hair out soon..so stick around

I just realized

I just realized that it kinda looks like I idolize eddie...if you read all my blogs..

Who am I? Am I this person? This person who picks their boyfriend's college..have I fucking sold my soul to GSU, because that's what I feel like..I can't leave there...I can't undo what i'm doing..

If I stay there I would have to finish two years...or the time would be worthless, and i'm not sure that I can do that..

Pick triton, Pick triton Ally, do it DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh god, sweet jesus what the fuck am I doing?

It's not too late, I can still back out..i'll have only lost three years, and about 3,ooo dollars...I can back out...

and i'm thinking, it would be so awesome right now, if my life just ended, and I didn't have to make this fucking decision...

I mean..i'm not really in eddie's life anyway, and he only "kinda" wants me to be there..and it's looking like he wants to teach overseas...and basically it's looking like he hasn't planned me into his life anyway..

so me stepping out of it would be easy...right?
I'm having a hard time here..dealing with the fact that i'm leaving my friends, and my brett and my melissa...

Missa...I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I'm so sorry i've been putting you second...because i'm leaving you too...and we should do something
not a movie not something where we can't talk...because I need to talk to you

Your my best friend, my BEST friend..

...If eddie could just ..say something..to make me feel like i'll be okay..then maybe i'll be okay..
Because brett and melissa can tell me it's going to be okay all they want..but that it's going to help...

WHY AM I DOING THIS!!!!!!!!!

I'm such an idiot!!!!
GAH.

That's kinda how I feel about it..like..that's the first layer of how I feel..and then after that it goes to like

What am I going to do, when I can't do this anymore?

and then I get kinda emotional about the whole thing..because the thing is making me happy

Let me elaborate on the happy. It's making me incomparably happy, as in NOTHING makes me happier

and then I go back to GOD I'M SUCH AN IDIOT

.....What am I going to do, when I can't do this anymore?


....Our relationship is changing, it's getting so much better.

Have you ever seen a human heart?

It looks like a fist wrapped in blood.

You've ruined my life.
You'll get over it.

When i'm not there you look for me.

Why isn't love enough...

....Why....

It's not safe out there.
Oh, and it's safe in here?

The part that sucks the most..

I'll never match that one person that my boyfriend is in love with the most...
and that sucks because...in spite of everything...

....I know i'm still in love with him.

And I can push and push all I want...but in the end..if I keep pushing, he's still gonna be gone..

...the difference is that if it's because I pushed him away..then i'll have no one to blame except myself..

and I'm just as good as Carla..

...we all idolize people..most of the time it's people that we can't have..it's completely normal..

And just because when I was faced with the option of having that thing I always wanted...having that "what if"....poorly...doesn't mean he will...react poorly that is..

...oh fuck it.
There's nothing I can do but love the bastard.
...and hope that no one else will be willing to put up with his shit.
*crosses fingers*

...because he'd leave me..

...and then i'd be stuck in fucking...georgia.

...oh boy.