Bye Bye Fat-Ass!

My entire life food has been an addiction. Being Italian hasn't helped at all, but when your really get down to the point, it's no one's fault but my own that I am the way I am.

It is my intention to make a change to that. Today. My birth is a bit less than two months away. I want to be at LEAST 20 pounds lighter by then.

I have stocked my fridge with 3 different types of fish. I'm making chicken and spinach for dinner tonight. Eating fish for the day two times a week, chicken three days and beef/pork/lamb to make up the difference. Doing low carbohydrates as well, and working out three days a week.

I think this is the trick, because this is what I haven't been doing on a regular basis for the last 4 months.

I also intend to use this now as a place to record my pain, frustration, happiness, diet choices and the like as I attempt to drop this weight.

After the first 20 pounds I'm going to re-evaluate and go for another 20, hopefully before October. Wish me luck, I'm sure that I'm going to need it.

Living my own fairy tale..

For anyone who doesn't already know, Mike works nights. Sometimes there are weeks in a row where he's at work during the night, and I have to choose to either not sleep, or sleep alone. It's never easy, because there really is nothing like sleeping next him.

A lot of the time I choose to watch sappy romance movies in order to feel closer to him. Anything goes, from "The notebook" to "P.S I love you" the result of which is always me crying in my apartment alone, missing him.

It might seem completely ridiculous or pathetic to you, but that's just me. My story is just as deep and affectionate as any movie I could watch, but it has the added bonus of being mine oh mine.

There was this early summer evening years ago where Mike and I stumbled upon a stage in the middle of grant park. It was a big black stage that some sort of band must have been using earlier that day or something. We had it all to ourselves, and we sat there and interviewed each other. It was a moment where I found myself losing track of time, all I wanted to do was be with him.

All I ever want is to appreciate being with him. Sometimes we're together and don't say anything at all, sometimes we can't stop talking. I wish we would talk more currently, I know we have the same goals and dreams...it would be nicer if we could work together to achieve them.

Starting over..

I'm on my new laptop, a present from mike for valentines day. Having technology under my finger tips has inspired me to make some changes to my blog, so I hope you like what I ended up with.

A week or so ago, my uncle had a heart attack. It effected me more than I thought it would, and it has really motivated me to get my own stuff together. When the hospital analyzed his blockage they said that it was caused from smoking.

He's doing okay, you can tell in his voice that he's been effected by the experience. I think as the days go on it continues to become a reality to him that he almost died and that nothing will be the same from now on.

I don't want to lose anyone in my life, but losing my uncle would be one of the worst things that could happen. He's like an ocean liner, if he went down he'd take a lot of people with him. My mother for one, and grandmother, his girls and his ex wives. We would all be lost in the water, drowning and cold...

Taking a break from cleaning my apartment to share some thoughts. I wish energy was something that came natural to me, but it seems like more and more I have to will myself out of bed or off of the sofa in order to get anything done.

I've been following a video blogger that mike turned me onto, and it's made me think about my life a lot more. She's so funny, quirky and interesting. I wish people saw me the way she is seen. I supposed you have to be a bit more put together than I am for that to happen though.

I feel like if I could just actualize my self image, life would fall into line with what I picture a lot more easily. Is that wishful thinking, I don't know, but I don't want to live my entire life striving to achieve something and never actually get there. On my wedding day will I still way over 2oo pounds and have to compromise on looking and feeling the way that I thought I would?

I think this applies to everything in my life. Will I compromise on the house I want to live in, the job I want to do, the people I want to make friends with, the sites I want to see?

I know it all starts with me, with some tiny light inside of myself that needs to shine brightly and burn strongly in order to propel me in the direction I want to go, but I can't help feeling that my light is sputtering, and perhaps at times not burning at all.

How do I motivate myself? How do I hold onto the things that I have and move toward the things that I want?

I don't want to fail myself, and I don't want to fail Mike, and I feel like I am. I can see it there in his eyes..a loss of something that used to be there before, and it makes me feel sick. How could this person who used to be so taken with me look at me the way he does now.

My art history teacher drives me crazy. She laughs. In the middle of her sentence it's like all of a sudden she decided what she's saying is funny, and she laughs through the rest of whatever she was saying. It pisses me off like none other. Why are the great artists of the past funny? Why are beautiful works of art, be it christian or biblical, funny? Oh.Wait. They AREN'T.

We should be in awe of these great works. We should have passion and be compelled to discuss them further, burst into tears while looking at them, but don't laugh. Please...

Yoga has been good. My teacher said i'm hyperflexable...awesome...as a woman..hearing that was really great.

I'm feeling less depressed. Getting up and moving around has helped a lot. I feel like I have a date with happiness, this saturday Alex is driving down and we're going to the interpol show...and I'm just hoping I can get my apartment clean and my mood up in time. Stock the house with a bit of food too maybe..rustle up some money for a drink or two at the show.

I miss you. I wish you were here to see a movie with me or eat food. I wish I could talk with you in person. It's funny because people spend so much of their time talking looking into the middle distance or out a window or something...we don't make eye contact enough.

Mike and I are going to have asian helper for dinner, and then I have work. Hopefully I can get a nap in before then...also a workout after yoga. Still having the weird dreams. Hmm..maybe I should start a dream journal...

I'm overdue, but I want to make this short and sweet.

There's a blizzard on, and i'm sick.

sweet, and short.

I messed up my shoulder at the gym. I saw the number on the scale and freaked, then over worked myself to try to compensate, but the truth of the matter is that you don't achieve changed quickly. True change takes time and effort, almost as much if not more than the effort you put in to get where you currently are.

It's about self discipline, of which I know almost nothing. I hate that about myself. Why is it that I always take more than I should because I know there will be more? I eat until I'm full, I spend money that I don't have, I sleep more than I need ect ect.

I want to try to have more focus, be more disciplined and shoot myself like an arrow at the target of things that I want.

I wish I could be more beneficial in my relationship with Mike. I wish I made more money and had more energy. Is it a bad sign that we haven't had sex in a month? Why aren't we more intimate with each other? How much of not being intimate has to do with the fact that I hate my body? Again. Does he hate his? Mine?

Today I felt fat, like really fat. At the gym I found out that I gained 5 more pounds instead of losing anything. I hated myself. My face got all ready during my work out. I don't know how I let it get this bad or why I let myself go this much. I want to get it back, I want to get my appetite under control.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm a stress eater for sure. I feel like I have this addiction and it's slowly killing my body. I don't want to be this way. I want to be fit.

In other terrible news I found out today that my building was sold to people who don't even live in the area. Grrreat. Things are going to be changing and this place i've been so lucky to live in might just go to pot.

I'm walking a tight rope here, I don't know how long I can keep going before I slip. No wonder I want to sleep it all away so badly.

The best part of my day, if there was one is when I listened to the waves of the pacific ocean during yoga and did some deep downward facing dog poses. That or the gym with Lauren where I hopefully worked off some of the major deposits I've been putting in my fatass account lately.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pizza/pasta/tacos this weekend.

I guess i've just become a lot more depressed since a certain someone moved away from me, and Joe won't talk to me for more than 3 mins at a time.

well, the first day of classes went well, but my schedule is all messed up now.

I woke up at 5:30am this morning...I don't know how i'm going to stay up all night. Drugs, probably, and good music.

I'm doing laundry and watching the bears game right now (it's a massacre so far) and then I have to do my mother's hair before going home. I'm hoping I can take a shower and whatnot before work.

My dreams have been odd as of late..lots of zombie apocalypse and sex going on, I like it better when I sleep during the day. It has been nice to see the sun though.

I feel like I'm falling back into step with the person I see in my mind, the one I want to be in real life. If I could continue losing weight that would be great.

I started classes today, looks like every Tuesday and Thursday will mean getting up early to be at class at 8am. Early meaning 6am. I asked my boss not to schedule me on Monday's and Wednesday's, so that I can get to sleep early, but what I forgot was that I might have to suffer working on a day I went to class. I don't know what that's going to feel like.

Classes were okay, my art history is at 8am..we're studying med-evil to modern art and I'm hoping to gain enough of an understanding to purchase some nice painting for the apartment. My yoga class is okay, its very full, but i'm sure some people will drop out, and it's also not what i'm used to, it being Hatha yoga, and me having an Kundalini base...I hope I can appreciate it for what it has to offer...that class is at 11am

..after yoga I pick up Lauren from her house and make the trip over to the gym. Its nice to have someone to work out with, and it's nice to have the time set aside simply for working out. I hope that if I go regularly during the semester, at the end i'll be in better shape. I don't know if two days a week is enough. Maybe i'll try to go on sundays too.

I was supposed to have dinner with brett yesterday, but missed it because I was sleeping. I feel terrible about that.

Tonight Mike and I are going with his brother Nick and Debbie to go see the premiere of an live action Anime movie called Gantz...I hope it's good. Then on the way home Mike and I are going to stop into Late Bar to supposed this month's VSC...

I hope it isn't too cold tonight...NPR said it could hit -25...and as i'm finishing up this blog I can already feel the temperature dropping outside.

I'm missing a certain someone, and when I passed their street off of Mannheim I had to remind myself that I couldn't just pick them up for lunch if I felt like it, because they're in stupid Bloomington.

Moving forward..

I had a good night tonight. I went out with mike and two of his friends. Got some pizza, went to a bar and had some drinks. It was good, and I enjoyed myself, but I realized something when the night was coming to a close.

Things are beginning to shift a bit for mike and I, the rhythm of hanging out with my friends and doing things is shifting to hanging out with his friends. I'm happy for him that this is happening, because for a long time he's needed the company of the people he wanted to be close with, and after a long time it's finally happening.

But I'm sad for myself too, because it seems that the people I thought meant something to my life are all going in different directions. Samantha is long gone, she doesn't text or call, she has a new husband and a new life, and it's never occured to her to come back to see whats up, or call when she's in town or answer my phone calls.

..and now Masella is leaving? How am I going to deal with that? The one person I counted on to be there when I needed them isn't going to be there. I know it's something that's been a long time coming. Don't put your stock into a single man who has feelings for you right? They're eventually going to move on. Even though I knew it couldn't last forever, I'm scared for what the future is going to bring. He's the guy that understood my quirks when even my other friends didn't. He's the one who knew my dark side and liked it, wouldn't mind letting me cry or talk a mile a minute or laugh hysterically or be incredibly pissed off. He let me be myself around him.

Who the fuck am I going to be able to show myself to now?

Joe? Lauren? Someone I haven't met?


What friends do the future hold for me? Will people not like what they see in me? Was Masella too forgiving? Too tolerant? Too loving?

Am I ready for the world?

I'm not ready to lose the one friend that ever gave a damn, even if it was because he was in love with me. What does it mean that he doesn't find it the least bit hard to get up and go? That he's wanted for so long to run in the other direction?

I don't know where I go from here, and as the door is closing on this chapter of my life I can't help but feel like I'm alone in a dark room...all those monsters under the bed are now starting to creep out and all the demons I stuffed in the closet are trying to get free.

I find it really funny that my father called me today. Yesterday I was telling mike how I'm finished wanting his help, his approval and his love. He has not contacted me in months, even though he's now living and working a mere 20 minutes from where I live.

I started thinking maybe Vince had it right, maybe its useless to try to force something that was never there to begin with..and I decided I don't want to try to shove him into a box he'll never fit in.

..and then he calls me today. It's like he felt the unleash of my emotions and knew he better call because it's now or never.

I didn't answer. I don't think I'm going to. He can leave a message if he wants to speak with me, because from now on I'm screening. Screening my emotions and stilling my heart against his "almost" love.

This beef and cheese nonsense is almost over, and I'm going to pursue Loyola and the gym hard, I'm going to flesh out my body and my mind until I'm happy with what I see in the mirror.

It's Yule today..something special is supposed to be happening, but unfortunately I didn't work out the foresight or desire to work through that ahead of time.

Sometimes I don't mind letting what fades away go...like my relationship with Samantha or Brett, my relationship with my Dad or holidays like Yule...
..I have my family, and he's taking a shower in the other room. I don't mind spending every day on the sofa with him resting his head between my legs. It's awesome in that place, and I don't care what the world thinks about me.

My friends give me that...Masella does, and so does Joe...a place where I know I'm protected and nurtured from the outer judgements and persecutions of others, and it's nice in that place too.

Only justin from blue october knows my pain. Why can't he actually hold me the way he does in my dreams.

Strip club. I thought i'd be okay with it until I realized that you were getting private dances. More intimate, more wrong. I'm probably a hypocrite, but I don't care. It struck a massive jealously cord inside my stomach. I can't look at you, I want to rip your throat out.

Obviously it's very animalistic.

Meanwhile, i'm pretty much done with beef and cheese. I want this week to end, I want to have a nice christmas with my family, and then I want to start to get back to my normal life. My gym, and all.

I disappearing into the snow.

I find myself sitting on the futon after a long time, mike in the bedroom, far too often.

I changed it up last night. Slept in the bed.

I really do want to have a dinner for Yule. I was thinking about making a big pasta dish. Or chicken? I don't know..I was thinking of what it would look like, candles all lit, people sitting and talking, maybe I'd pass around a bowl of questions. Alcohol. I wonder if Samantha would come out. I'd really like that.

I want to do it..but i'm scared it will be a bust.

Maybe I won't do it...maybe i'll just continue to disappear. It's easier.

I need to get my car fixed, do the laundry, finish Christmas shopping, and take care of myself a bit more.


...and maybe connect with my boyfriend..if he'll let me.

So im feeling massively overrun. Completely in complete and totally lost. Dont worry, im okay with it.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Getting back into work today. I think i'm going to go in after all the drama has commenced. I'm just finished with all that nonsense.

Nonsense in general it starting to become something that sends me in the other direction. I'm tired of people not saying what they mean or what they feel.

More over..I need to worry about myself, and my family. That's what the few precious days of time off has shown me. My fiance', my mother and my brothers are the most important people in my life right now...christmas is coming, and christmas eve is going to be at my place, something i've looked forward to for a long time. I want to be prepared. A christmas tree, maybe a wreath and some lights...good food cooking in the kitchen and candles lit all over my apartment..and presents.

I don't have a lot of money to spare this year, and what money I do have needs to go to the people who matter the most.

I've heard countless people stating reasons why I won't be getting a present from them this year. I want them to know, it's fine by me, and I hope they understand that it goes both ways.

I'm thinking about myself, and I'm thinking about my family, and that's the most imporant thing right now, for my happiness my sanity and my dignity.

The snow looks more beautiful on the lake and around my building than I could have possibly hoped for. I can't wait to get a tree and decorate my apartment a little.

I spent the day in bed though.

I was hiding away today. I was not ready to brave streets and drivers and employees and parents today.

Plus Anne of Green Gables was on TV...okay okay I know what you're thinking, that I'm a total dweeb..and you're right, I am. I don't care, because Anne of Green Gables ROCKS. (For those who have no clue what I'm talking about, it's an old school movie based off of a book written 100 years ago about a girl who lives in this beautiful countryside at the turn of the century. It's little house on the prairie for grownups.

So tonight I'm making dinner for my mom. Something i've wanted to do for a long time, but haven't been able to because of the state of my apartment and my life. Rosemary and lemon chicken with a side of broccoli and cheese as well as some tomato Parmesan pasta and the kicker- fresh baked biscuits. She is going to freak. Plus I got a bottle of champagne. The best, Korbel.

Something about treating others makes me feel so good inside.

I'm really enjoying the holiday season. I'm not letting it rush past me this time. I'm slowing down and letting it just happen.

...I was thinking of inviting a small group of friends over for Yule..

I woke up to the phone buzzing, and I wasn't really sure where I was this morning. I knew I was cold, and that my throat was in pain...I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes, trying to acclimate to ...my life, I guess? After a couple of minutes I was able to get my body up and into the bathroom.

That's when the pain started, in my calves and arms. My wrist in particular. I shouldn't have climbed so high in the storage unit yesterday, shouldn't have thrown that box thinking it wouldn't come back down on me. Shouldnt have tried to take care of everything by myself...

I wrapped myself in every scarf I could find, and put my coat and boots on to move my car.

Don't worry, no ticket on my car..no flat tire or anything..just me in the cold by the lake this morning. Even with the cold wind stinging my face the lake still looks beautiful. I still can't take my eyes away, even after 7 months.

I was remembering the first day..when we walked along the lake path down by lake shore drive...how the water was a sky blue instead of the ice gray it was this morning, how you could smell it's sweet scent in the air, and feel the weight of it. How we debated the pros and cons of the apartment, and what it would be like to live in a place next to such a force.

Things are colder now, the lake seemed oddly quiet today..and as I walked back into the apartment I couldn't help but think about how I didn't know it was going to be this hard.


We prevail...and just because a job might end or a bills might pile up does not mean we can't push through. You've shown me that numerous times...so I believe we can prevail when it comes to us..to our relationship. I love talking to you...your fast paced descriptions of life and all its contents. I love how articulate you are...you're like my own Robert downy jr. I love that you've learned to match me in fights. You don't curl into that shell anymore, you dominate with opinion and sincerity.

I wish you would show the same force in other relationships, because you shouldn't take shit from anyone.

I want to show you everything in London..I want to show you the tower, and walk the bridge with you. We can take a day and go see Shakespeare's house if you wanted too, there is so much...and I really want it to happen..maybe we could aim for June?

Northlake weighs you down..those shitty suburbs where everything seems so breakable and expensive. I wish I could stay in the boarders of the city more often, I wish I could appreciate my apartment and burn incence and cook today..

..but there are responsibilties waiting for me...and it's almost time to wake you up.

So I'm thinking "yeah whateva" today.

I know I should care more about my mall, I know the system wants me to be so scared that I shove the training down their throats. Not me. Not anymore. I'm a realistic person, and I'm not going to be run by unrealistic ideas or what someone else wants me to do.

I've been thinking about skipping town. A lot.

That monster of a girl who comes out when feeling threatened...she's peeking out today.

Pausing for a moment to write down some thoughts.

Jenny from work scares the shit out of me. I haven't gone up against anyone in quite sometime. All my friends are guys, so I've managed to lay low on the drama scale. Then there comes this girl from work. She's put words in my mouth, bitched about me behind my back, ect ect.

I don't know how to proceed here. My mind is telling me to just ignore it, just freeze and make the minimum amount of attention..but I still feel scared.

I'm sure there's strength inside me, an animal ready to attack at the very moment I feel threatened. I don't know if I want to let her out of the cage...for now I will take the path of least conflict and hope that most of my friends will be able to work it out for themselves that I'm not whatever she might say that I am..

In other news I've decided that Monday means back on the diet train. I still want to lost 15 pounds by Christmas, my gift to myself. I know I can do, and starting Monday I'm going to give it my best shot.

I'm happy to have cleaned the apartment. The front room still needs some work...maybe I'll be able to get to that tonight...and laundry.

Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time in the fantastical world and not enough in real life. It probably isn't good to float on clouds for too long I don't want to drift back down to earth to find that because I wasn't paying close enough attention I let the things that matter most just slip away from me.

It has come to my attention that I have no idea what I'm doing. I am BARELY making my way through this life. I'm sure as hell not taking a conventional approach, and the reason I've managed to make it this far is because mike provides for me.

...sometimes I look at him, brushing his teeth or looking for a clean pair of pants and I hate myself for letting him work so hard. I look at him so tired and barely alive and hate myself for taking everything from him and not giving enough back.

It really wasn't his responsibility to clean the apartment. He pays the bills. The least I can do is make sure he has a clean home and clean clothing to come home to. That and maybe a hot meal. AT LEAST.

I would probably do well to remember that.

Make the appointment at Loyola Ally.

I don't want to owe anything to anyone.

That's a goal i'm setting for myself. To become 100% self sufficient.

...but in the immediate future i'll settle with just not forgetting to say thank you to those who provide for me.