Just a couple words...

I hate you cancer.

I need a pause button for life.

My stomach's been hurting really bad the last three days.
I'm kinda worried.
I'm sure it's just a side effect from working 60 hours a week and going to school full time.

I love working because it means more money and more time with friends. I just hate the way my body has been feeling lately.

I think if I drastically change the way I am eating I might be able to work things out. Salads and yogurt. Once a week minimum at the gym.

I just wish I could sleep for a week. I desperately need a vacation. As soon as this semesters over I know I'll be feeling a lot better.

Just live your life...

...No telling where it will take you.

Brett left for California yesterday. It feels bittersweet.

I have big dreams and big hopes for him. Probably as big as the dreams he has for himself. I think that happens when two people are as close as we are. Brett is the single most important thing I found through-out my four years of High School.

Almost ten years ago.

I still remember that first year. Thinking he was so attractive. Watching him walk. Getting butterflies when he would talk to me, or touch me. I remember the middle too. Working past 10pm every night. Wanting our piece for speech team to be better than perfect. Knowing that we had what it took. All of a sudden I knew how to walk like him. I had it too, that ability to give others butterflies.

Now we're on to this part- which I won't call the end. End of an era perhaps, but not the end. He still has the walk, but the whole package is so much more than just that. Forget butterflies, now he'll just knock you on your ass with his awesomeness. It's too big for Chicago. He's getting out, going where he's useful, going where the big boys are. To be a star. He has everything it takes to make it. All he needs now is the right person to notice.

...and here I am.

Surprisingly enough- I don't have much to complain about. I don't feel deserted. I don't feel lost or alone without him. Our friendship is too epic for that. If anything I am glad for the distance because I can focus. I need to focus on myself, on where I'm headed. I need to walk on my own. So that I have something to offer.

I want a version of the greatness that Brett is moving towards, one that is tailored to my own hopes and dreams. I never want to fear the need to do what it takes.

I feel proud and envious of him. He is forging a path in the right direction. I wonder how many of our group of friends will follow in his footsteps.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Life the live you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Thoughts on Sexuality

Yesterday was "Freedom of sexuality day" and not only did I spend a great deal of time thinking about and being grateful for my own sexuality, but I did a lot of thinking about sexuality as it applies to my family.


My grandfather (on my father's side) is a homosexual man.

He lived in a time when homosexually was shunned and people were forced to bury their true nature or hide it from the world, and in most cases both methods were necessary. He married my grandmother for the sake of appearances and had 6 children, including my father. Their family suffered greatly from his choice and to this day my aunt's and uncle's are some of the most damaged people I know.

It's difficult to imagine that if my grandfather had lived in today's time period, my father would never have been born and therefore I wouldn't exist either. I am the product of a flawed way of thinking. I owe my existence to an era of time in which Gays were persecuted and forced to deny their nature.

There is much more to this story, but just that fact alone is enough.

Old goals and new goals

So much going on with classes and work that I just haven't had enough time to sit down and write.

I have totally fallen in love with Loyola. My professors are amazing and I am so happy to be a part of the student body. The Campus is beautiful, the lake is always in view and even though it's getting colder I don't mind.

I know I made the right choice. For myself for my family and for my future.

Now all that's let is to keep working hard on getting my body in shape. May 2oth is my deadline.

How do you measure..

525,600 minutes..

How do you measure a year? How about love? Measure in love, seasons of love.

The truth is that I'm still dealing with the crisis that my family has been put through this last month. I feel that things are going back to normal, but there is still a lot of emotional pain. Therapy is helping, the gym is helping, but I still feel it.

Suicide is never an easy thing to get over. My family is strong, and I know we'll move forward...but are we too strong? Will we forget about the seriousness of the situation? Will we move too fast? Not talk about the real issues? Two steps forward is no good if you just take three steps back in the end.

We're about to go our separate ways in the next two weeks. Will we forget about the importance of each other when we part back to college and work?

All I can really have is hope, and faith. Faith in my family, and hope that we will be stronger than we were in the past.

Goodbye Mike Masella.

The truth is that I've been thinking about what to say on this matter for a long time. At times I've been almost tortured by the fact that I could push someone away who knew me so thoroughly, inside and out.

I've contemplated about who I truly am as a person. The actions, both good and bad that I have taken and where the road I've walked has led me.

I find that I am finally tranquil.

Today I heard these words and realized that sometimes the best thing for everyone is to just let go, and move on. I knew I would do it in my own time. I just didn't know how to say;

Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye.

Even with our fists held high, it never would've worked out right, because we were never meant for do or die

I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better,
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Thinking about you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another, who doesn't always make you want to cry.

Please know that I love you so,
I loved you enough to let you go.

Only you can heal inside.

When it comes to love..I don't understand the greater part of how it works. When I look at someone like Michael, and try to understand how he can love me so unconditionally, so compassionately and with so much forgiveness it starts to make me tear up.

How can people exist that can love you so entirely? So unwaveringly?

I lump myself together with the masses of people who get overwhelmed and obsessed with too much of their own desires and goals to truly care for someone else. I know if there was a hell, I would end up there. I know that if sinners are separate from the rest, I am grouped with the sinners.

I have done horrible things in my life, without any care for the women, men and children I might
have hurt on the way.

I have not walked a righteous path. I blame no one for my actions.

But I do want to gain insight into why I am the way that I am. What is it that makes me decide to act the way that I do?

I used to think it was an overwhelming fear of death. I would concentrate endlessly on the fact that life is too short not to take risks. I never wanted to look back on my life and say "I wish I had done that."

..I'm getting to the point where life is too short to act the way I always have.

It's too short to lose the one person who puts all his faith into my heart.

I don't want to walk through life feeling like I'm a bad person. I don't want to feel so comfortable with the burning mass of sinners. The nightcrawlers. The wretched.

How do I attain absolution? Do I need absolution before I can begin walking a more righteous path or can I just start down that road today, right now at this moment?

What is certain is that I am tired of making mistakes. I am tired of hurting the one's I love the most. I don't want to sabotage the healthy relationships that I have.

I said I wanted a healthy relationship with a male who knows boundaries and loves me as a friend. Alex walked into my life and gave me that without asking for anything but my friendship in return. He's everything that Masella could never have been. He's everything that I need to satisfy myself, and he's not going anywhere.

I need to let myself be satisfied.

"Only you, can heal your life. Only you can heal inside."

Anathema gets right to the heart of the solution. Thank you to Lady A for showing be this song, for Alex for loving it as much as I do, and for whoever listens to it for taking the time.

To the man who raped my friend..

I don't know who you are. I've only seen you maybe once, in passing, but the truth of the matter is that I don't think anyone really knows who you are. Only you. Only you really know what it was that propelled you to take advantage of my friend. Only you know if you've done it to other woman, weaker woman. Woman you find walking on the side of the road. Prostitutes who might have lost their way in life and can't find any other solution. Do you rape them too? Do you kill them? Are you this person? Is it possible that you could have just raped my friend by mistake? That this whole thing could really have been a misunderstanding on your part, a mistake in verbal cues that you thought you heard or felt? I really don't think so. I think you are one hundred percent the rapist you were with her in the bathroom stall.

When you went home and looked at your daughter, twenty three years old and the same age as my friend, did you think to yourself that somewhere a pervert like you might take advantage of her the way you did that night? I hope you did, and hope if you didn't that you do. I hope the thought that people like you might pray on your daughter creeps into your mind and haunts you uncontrollably until you can no longer stand it and are forced to some measure of insane reaction.

The things you said and did to my friend and inexcusable. You are a disgrace to your people, and more over to the human race. Your only saving grace, if there is any at all for you, is that my friend is strong beyond measure. She is intrepid and she will carry on. Sometime in the future she'll be able to live through a day without remembering how you used her up. How you broke down the barriers in her mind until she finally gave into you. A rapist of the highest caliber. If you are the lion on the savannah, I hope you don't see it coming when you fall into the stampede of zebras that will surely come your way. I hope your carcass is left to rot in the burning sun.

Life will find a way to return what you have done threefold, and while I am certain that I won't be there to see it when it happens, someone will. You. In those moments I hope you are forced to think about what you've done.

If nothing else, when the tail of Minos wraps itself around your body in hell and sends you past the lust ring straight to the bottom circle, the Malebolge, where the panderers and seducers like yourself suffer I hope you experience perpetual pain and fear for all of eternity.

Rot. You demon, in hell where you belong.
People like yourself deserve nothing less.

We should never let go.

A little less than a week ago, I was in the shower when I fainted. The next day I felt dizzy numerous times throughout the day. I thought sleep would help, but it didn't. I woke up to a spinning room, something I've never experienced before and hands down one of the most frightening things to ever happen to me.

I've never experienced vertigo the way I have this last week. I've never had to take Dramamine in order to keep food down. I thought I was dying.

I know I should have gone to the doctor, but I didn't. I don't have insurance, I'm only awake at night, and I was scared they would tell me I have a brain tumor.

The vertigo seems to have abated, as of now it's been two days vertigo free.

First I thought it might be my diet, but I take supplements everyday, and I always drink protein shakes. Now I'm thinking it was an inner ear infection that resolved itself.

Either way, it really made me think about how fragile life is.



It's important to hold on to those things that are the most precious to you.

"So take this heart of mine. You've taken it a hundred thousands times.
But this time, I'm going to take it with me." - Blue October

Laundry and a complete sense of self

Laundry is such a pain in the ass.

I'm trying to keep myself awake. I still have a lot to do before sleep finds me.

I've been feeling great lately. I've totally adjusted to the pescatarian diet, and I've actually been feeling well enough to exercise. Mike and I have been running three times a week, and I'm truly starting see the changes in my body. I'm getting leaner, stronger and my cardiovascular health is improving drastically.

I thought I would miss meat a lot more than I am. I actually feel better without it, I don't have any cravings at all. If anything, I have a taste for chicken tiki masala, but that's it.

“Think of the fierce energy concentrated in an acorn. You bury it in the ground, and it explodes into an oak! Bury an animal, and nothing happens but decay.”- George Bernard Shaw

The only regrets I have as of late are not spending enough time alone with myself and not getting out enough to do the things I plan to. I put a lot on my plate, so to speak, and only ever finish about 1/3 of it all. I would like to finish everything. It's a goal I'm setting for myself.

Some time this week I hope to make use of the new grill Mike and I bought at the world market. It's so cute, and I think grilling up some salmon and veggies lakeside will be such a nice treat for the both of us. We're really getting closer, if that's possible after 4 years. Running together is really helping. I see my future in his eyes and it feels so great.

I can smell the world in the air, and it smells fulfilling.

When there's a burning in your heart..don't be alarmed.

Mike is on a camping trip with his father and cousins, and I am alone for the weekend.

It's Saturday, and my mother slept over last night. Partially because I'm ill, and partially because I don't know how to be alone. That is something I would like to work on tonight and tomorrow. Being comfortable being alone with myself. I'm detached from who I am and I would like to reconnect with myself.

I want to get a handle of the things I want out of life currently. Make a list of things I want to do this summer and goals I have for the immediate future.

I'm a little nervous to spend time with myself.

So many ways to experience life, and one of my favorite ways has always been through music. A band that has always helped me experience life this way is Death Cab for Cutie.

"When there's a burning in your heart
An endless fury in your heart
Build it bigger than the Sun
Let it grow"

Life goes on

I feel like I need to digitally blow the dust off this blog and sit down and actually write an update about my life.

I went to a party tonight, in honor of Kyle's graduation from college, and it was really nice talking with people I didn't know, making new friends and catching up with old ones. Like Eddie, I have haven't see him in a loooong time but we were able to pick up right where we left off, which I love. It was so nice to hear about his life, and that he still thinks about me. I know I think about him. There is something about our time together or the type of people we are that makes us just keeping coming back to each other, even when it's something as small as "I know we're both at this party and just talked for an hour, but how are you doing, need another drink?"

Joanne is going to be a great new friend, I can already tell, and it's going to be great to add yet another psychology major to the group. Her and Regina are going to be major collaborators for my career. Can't wait for that Sox's game.

All in all I think I did Mike proud tonight. I know I'm not too hard on the eyes, and that I'm easy going when it comes to conversation and I think most of his friends took to me well.

There was one particular part of the evening that I was happy to have happen. The first time I said my career choice out loud to a group of people. "So what do you do Ally?" "ah well, I'm in college working towards becoming a Sex Therapist." I got a couple eye brow raises and later a few people asked me some interesting questions, but I was so glad to have the courage to say it out loud.

I knew when I said it out loud those few months ago that it was the right fit for me, I know its something I'll be awesome at. When you know, you know. I guess that explains my obsession with obsession and my drive to know everything I can about sex, fetishes and the taboo taboos.

On that subject, if you haven't checked it out yet you can still read more about my own personal taboo journey by clicking here.

The Pescatarian diet is working out better than I could have hoped for, a bottle of Iron supplements and I won't have anymore worries. I know I'm not going to be the fat maid of honor, and it makes me feel good. Well it's either that or all the leafy green veggies. Something is definitely boosting my happiness lately.

Loving work, gearing up for classes and spending the extra money redecorating the apartment and saving for New Orleans. New friends coming in, lots of sites to see. Life is good and I can't complain.

I've got a lot to think about, oh yeah.

Tomorrow is a very important date for me. It will mark 6 months until New Orleans Halloween 2011. It means times to get into shape, time to start saving money, planning costumes and getting everything else in order.

What happened in the deep south recently with all those tornadoes and devastation weighs heavy on my heart, and I plan to make a donation to the AL red cross to do my part in helping these people rebuild.

I'm stepping out tomorrow as an individual on the way to a new life. Loyola starts August 1st, and for this and New Orleans I want to be the best me that I can be.

The two jobs are working out, and the increase in money is helping tremendously.

Also- only 3 more days until Blue October!!!

This just in..

I have a netflix addiction.

Music is the poetry of the air..

Met with my boss today, picked up my hand held work computer, and had lunch while she walked me through a bunch of stuff. It all still seems a little foreign, but I'm sure I'll pick it up fast.

Tomorrow starts the first of the 10 day workout stretch. I'm a little nervous it's going to wear me out and wear me down, but I know that now is the time.

This will be good to help me prepare for the breast cancer walk I'm doing with my mother, closer to summer. It's only a 3 mile, but it still means a lot to me. I'm walking for my Aunt who is currently going through her second battle with breast cancer. My mother is walking to remember her friend Christine who died of cancer.

I have to do my taxes this weekend. I'm hoping to make a thing of it, me mike and my mom all around the table at my grandma's..that's how we did it last year. Maybe I'll take more of an active interest in learning what exactly I'm doing.

It also looks like I'll be visiting Anna in Michigan sometime in May. I'm really excited about that mini vacation and about spending quality time with some girls. It will be nice to not have to deal with boy drama...even though I never thought I'd have to put those two words together hahaha

All of a sudden I remembered this moment with Sam...we were sitting outside at grant park watching the Muse concert, they were singing starlight, and she helped me stand up off the slippery grass. It was raining lightly but went really well with the song.

I will never forget those three days. What fun it was and how young we were.

I think I want to go to Lollapalooza this year..wear cute dresses, sit on the grass..maybe smoke some as well..and just listen to the music. That sounds like a dream.

The clock ticks down..

Samantha asked me last night over dinner at her apartment, to be her maid of honor. I can't even begin to describe how honored I am to be asked to stand up at her wedding. For the last 10 years I've been a witness to her life and her to mine. We've had ups and downs, like any friendship, but when I think about it, we've been mostly up and seldom down. The distance between us over the past year or so has been a good thing, and I think we've come out strong. It was good to be able to take a step back and be reminded that people change, and grow. I know she has, and I know I have, and I'm starting to really enjoy the people we've become.

This is one more reason why it is important to me to lose the weight. I want to be the version of myself that exists in my head when everyone sees me take that walk down the aisle as a maid of honor for one of the most important people in my life. I'm going to keep my hair long and my spirits high as I work toward my goals. I lost 10 pounds last month, which is a definite beginning. Another 10 this month will put me right on track.

I've been eating multiple small meals a day, 5 or 6, and I feel that this is really helping to keep my metabolism working and stop any excess food from becoming stored fat.

My cousin Jennifer, as well as Haley and a handful of other people have inspired me. If they can do this, so can I, if only I can stay focused. Stay focused Ally.

In the next couple days, Mike and I are going to check out gyms that are closer to the apartment to double my options of where and when I can work out. I want to start getting in 3 to 4 workouts a week.

Mike and I talked about doing a 10 day program that helps kick start your body, it's a workout a day for 10 days straight and it seems vigorous, but I can't imagine a better time to do it than this month, when I can devote the time and energy it is surely going to demand.

Starting this new job is a reminder that New Orleans is approaching and with the news of this third Witches Ball before Endless night, there is even more at stake. Rooming with Abby and Brad will be taking a lot of pressure off the money, and not having to support poor ass friends will be a load off as well, and an added bonus to costumes and souvenirs, but still my mind is starting it's freak-out mode.

How can I modify my old costume for the Anne Rice ball, and can I create a Steam Punk (Pirate) costume that will work for both the Witches ball and Endless night? What is Mike going to wear? Should we do a couples costume again for rock out our individuality? Perhaps the biggest question of all, what am I going to do with my hair and makeup?!

The clock is ticking down. Hopefully I can put some of these questions to ease on my birthday with Joe and Ecktor, both two people whom I would love to see down there with me this year, as well as Tommy again, especially if he's willing to drive again, no way we're flying.

On your mark, set...

Almost finished with the on-boarding process of this job. Passed the drug test, now I just have to complete the physical, and then start making some money. Double what I'm making right now. I'm actually glad that this company has such a serious on-boarding process. (Even though they cut a chunk of hair out of my head.) I was thinking about it, and half of the people I know wouldn't be able to get past the drug test. Crazy.

I think my coat might come in the mail today. I'm so freaking excited about it. This is the beginning of changing my wardrobe. One piece at a time until I accomplish the look I'm moving towards.

Come August when I start Loyola, my goal is to be some seriously hot stuff. As long as I keep with the working out and making enough money this summer to change my style, I know I can get there. I will get there.

Pausing to take stock

Okay. I had a good kick in the ass yesterday. The end of a friendship sincerely knocked me on my ass. Sometimes the people you think have your back are the ones who end up shoving you down the stairs. I'm here to say that I've pulled myself up and dusted myself off. I'm giving a heavy shrug and an "oh well" to this issue and moving forward.

Sometimes it's good to count your blessings.

Some of mine?

I have a handful of close relationships that mean the world to me and I'm learning to
cherish them more every day.

I landed two stellar jobs and start as a junior at an incredible private university in August.

I'm attractive to the opposite sex. Not a fat fuck on the road to a heart attack because everything I eat is either microwaved or from a fast food place.

I have a killer boyfriend who will stick with me through anything and let me come to him with any issue to work through. He loves me unconditionally, what more could I ask from him?

Yeah, when you look at it, it would appear I have pretty much everything a twenty something girl living in Chicago could possibly want or need.

And it keeps getting better.

Horse of a different color

Hopefully today will be a productive kind of day. I'd like to get my oil changed on my car, it's 2,000 miles overdue. I'd also really like to stop by Loyola to submit some paperwork for both Mike and I for the August semester.

I'm beating around the bush about the bigger issue here. Masella is done with me. I blew him out, so to speak. I do that from time to time. I make my friends hate me, I push them past their limit until they can't stand to be around me for one more second. It would seem I did that here.

I broke his heart. Led him on for way too long. Strung him along by a rope until he was finally able to cut through it and run in the opposite direction.

I do have one thing to say about this. Good for him.

I was toxic for him, and I'm happy he has finally been able to detach himself from me. I think it will ultimately be for the best. Our breakup (almost 5 years ago) was horrible. I played the "its just not the right time for us" card, and I think it led him to believe that one day I would change my mind about who I wanted to be, and be with. That was so disgustingly wrong on my part that I'm sick just typing the words.

The thing is, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of horrible things I've done and said to him to twist his brain around to believing that one day I would change my mind.

I should have treated him like an ex from the second I walked away from the relationship, not as a friend. Even if that's what he's been to me the entire time. A best friend that I leaned on constantly.

What have I learned from this? A lot I think, don't fuck with peoples emotions. Don't play around and blur the lines between friendship and love. Give back patience, time and attention to my friends. Keep up certain boundaries with the opposite sex.

All right..hopefully the bored readers have excused themselves from this boringness and therefore will not be partaking of my next section of news.

I have made a new blog dedicated to my sexual relationship with Michael. Why you ask? It's kind of a long and hard story. Shorthand: I am a masochist. Have been one my entire life. I'm quite interested in exploring where this will take me and Michael now that he's agreed to give it a try. Don't get any big ideas people, we're moving slow and starting off easy. For the sake of art though, I have created a place to get the most erotic moments of this down on "paper" so to speak, in case I need the "footage" for a story or script later on. You can flow through to my blog of the accounts here.

That's all I have in terms of updates for this week. I still have 13 pounds to lose by my birthday, but I did buy the tickets, so it's certain that Michael and I will be celebrating in style with my true love, Justin of Blue October! Hopefully I'll fit into my, hot as hell, Goth plaid pink dress by then.