On your mark, set...

Almost finished with the on-boarding process of this job. Passed the drug test, now I just have to complete the physical, and then start making some money. Double what I'm making right now. I'm actually glad that this company has such a serious on-boarding process. (Even though they cut a chunk of hair out of my head.) I was thinking about it, and half of the people I know wouldn't be able to get past the drug test. Crazy.

I think my coat might come in the mail today. I'm so freaking excited about it. This is the beginning of changing my wardrobe. One piece at a time until I accomplish the look I'm moving towards.

Come August when I start Loyola, my goal is to be some seriously hot stuff. As long as I keep with the working out and making enough money this summer to change my style, I know I can get there. I will get there.

Pausing to take stock

Okay. I had a good kick in the ass yesterday. The end of a friendship sincerely knocked me on my ass. Sometimes the people you think have your back are the ones who end up shoving you down the stairs. I'm here to say that I've pulled myself up and dusted myself off. I'm giving a heavy shrug and an "oh well" to this issue and moving forward.

Sometimes it's good to count your blessings.

Some of mine?

I have a handful of close relationships that mean the world to me and I'm learning to
cherish them more every day.

I landed two stellar jobs and start as a junior at an incredible private university in August.

I'm attractive to the opposite sex. Not a fat fuck on the road to a heart attack because everything I eat is either microwaved or from a fast food place.

I have a killer boyfriend who will stick with me through anything and let me come to him with any issue to work through. He loves me unconditionally, what more could I ask from him?

Yeah, when you look at it, it would appear I have pretty much everything a twenty something girl living in Chicago could possibly want or need.

And it keeps getting better.

Horse of a different color

Hopefully today will be a productive kind of day. I'd like to get my oil changed on my car, it's 2,000 miles overdue. I'd also really like to stop by Loyola to submit some paperwork for both Mike and I for the August semester.

I'm beating around the bush about the bigger issue here. Masella is done with me. I blew him out, so to speak. I do that from time to time. I make my friends hate me, I push them past their limit until they can't stand to be around me for one more second. It would seem I did that here.

I broke his heart. Led him on for way too long. Strung him along by a rope until he was finally able to cut through it and run in the opposite direction.

I do have one thing to say about this. Good for him.

I was toxic for him, and I'm happy he has finally been able to detach himself from me. I think it will ultimately be for the best. Our breakup (almost 5 years ago) was horrible. I played the "its just not the right time for us" card, and I think it led him to believe that one day I would change my mind about who I wanted to be, and be with. That was so disgustingly wrong on my part that I'm sick just typing the words.

The thing is, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of horrible things I've done and said to him to twist his brain around to believing that one day I would change my mind.

I should have treated him like an ex from the second I walked away from the relationship, not as a friend. Even if that's what he's been to me the entire time. A best friend that I leaned on constantly.

What have I learned from this? A lot I think, don't fuck with peoples emotions. Don't play around and blur the lines between friendship and love. Give back patience, time and attention to my friends. Keep up certain boundaries with the opposite sex.

All right..hopefully the bored readers have excused themselves from this boringness and therefore will not be partaking of my next section of news.

I have made a new blog dedicated to my sexual relationship with Michael. Why you ask? It's kind of a long and hard story. Shorthand: I am a masochist. Have been one my entire life. I'm quite interested in exploring where this will take me and Michael now that he's agreed to give it a try. Don't get any big ideas people, we're moving slow and starting off easy. For the sake of art though, I have created a place to get the most erotic moments of this down on "paper" so to speak, in case I need the "footage" for a story or script later on. You can flow through to my blog of the accounts here.

That's all I have in terms of updates for this week. I still have 13 pounds to lose by my birthday, but I did buy the tickets, so it's certain that Michael and I will be celebrating in style with my true love, Justin of Blue October! Hopefully I'll fit into my, hot as hell, Goth plaid pink dress by then.

A word to the wise

After the Northwestern demonstration and my growing mistrust and loathing of the media, I started asking myself a lot of questions about how I feel about sex. Sex and relationships, different types of sex, sex toys and anything else having to do with intimacy.

I fell into a black hole of thought, each thought pulling me deeper into myself to explore other questions. Some people aren't liking the answers I'm coming up with to these questions. Some people are not comfortable with the person I'm choosing to become, and here's what I want to say; this is my journey not yours. Stop making be feel like there is a right and wrong answer to everything in life.

There are so many innate truths i've been hiding myself from for so long, and I don't want to do it anymore. I won't pretend that working myself to death and killing all thought and desire makes me "who I really am" I won't pretend that I am this way because I have "too much time on my hands"...and trying to force me to do that is just wrong.

I'm me, and it's dark. I'm me and it's freaky and kinky and wild.

Deal with it, like I have to.

Morning Report..

There isn't too much going with me this week. Nothing too much on my mind or anything like that. I'm concentrating hard on losing the weight through dieting. I plan to start up the gym hard on Tuesday. Almost two weeks on the diet has helped me acclimate, so I should be able to handle the workout.

I've lost 8 pounds so far, with another 12-15 to go because April 18th, and who knows, maybe I can be under 190 before May 4th and the Blue October concert, that would be awesome.

Samantha came for a visit a couple days ago, and it was really fun. I made us salmon and salad, and everyone seemed to like it a lot. We just talked about everything. She looks great and it made me feel great to spend some time with her. I can't wait to see her apartment and everything.

Northwestern Human Sexuality

A number of days ago, Northwestern University held a live discussion in their Human Sexuality class. Two people from the BDSM community were invited into the classroom to speak about their experiences. The discussion took an interesting turn when the speakers decided to do a live demonstration in order to demonstrate to the class that A) female orgasms are possible and B) that for some members of the BDSM community, unconventional sex acts are the only way they can come to orgasm.

The media has completely blown up this story, and NW has responded by claiming that what happened in this classroom was wrong. There is an investigation being done and the teacher might lose his job.

I find these reactions absolutely ridiculous. America is freaking out because students in a human sexuality class learned about human sexuality? Many of the students in the class will go on to become sex therapists and marriage counselors, and need to learn everything they can about different sexual aspects of life.

Students in the class were warned several times that it was going to be a graphic demonstration and that it was optional to attend. So with numerous warnings and the freedom to opt out of seeing something you might not want to how can we figure that there was anything wrong happening?

In my human sexuality class, at a community college, we watched numerous "porn" videos in order to learn and discuss different aspects of sexuality. At one point we watched woman inserted into violent contraptions that caused pain to their heads, their arms, and legs (I'm talking about contraptions so foul they resembled something out of the movie SAW) and then be stimulated vaginally. As a psychology major and member of the psychological community I'm not understanding how that was acceptable, but this demonstration at NW isn't? Please. Students at University have been studying theses things for years.

If this professor loses his job or the way we study human sexuality is regulated in anyway because America is full of uptight and prude parents who can't handle their children learning about the real aspects of sex and how it applies to society I am going to lose my temper. I am going to protest. The freedom to learn is the most important thing to me as a student, and to have that freedom put down or regulated in anyway would be a breaking point for me. It will not stand.

A clothing eulogy of nostalgic times..

Recently I've been working hard to become focused on weight loss and a healthy diet. I am trying to change a huge aspect of my life, and one that change does not come to easily. Years of over-eating, stress eating and putting on the pounds are hard to undo in a matter of months, and I understand it's going to take time.

Last year I wanted nothing more than to drop weight for my trip to New Orleans, and it was crushing to only making 25% of my goal, but I took it, and was thankful it was better than nothing. This year is different. I will not stand for less than reaching my goal before New Orleans. I am determined to shape myself into the person I know I am on the inside in the next coming months.

Part of being ready and dedicated to change is being able to let go of the past, so in a small way (well...large way to me, but small in the midst of it all) I started to put the past behind myself yesterday by going through my wardrobe and donating clothing that is too old or not in style with my personality anymore. It was hard, I won't lie. I donated pieces of clothing that I've been holding onto for upwards of 5 years. Even those pieces you keep because you say "One day I'll fit into this again", I donated those too.

It was liberating when I put the two garbage bags full of clothing into the trunk of my car, and then dropped them off to be donated. Saying goodbye to the past and taking a step towards finding my center feels good, it feels right.So in remembrance of those articles of clothing that symbolized landmark events in my life, I have created this post to give them a proper burial, if you will.

This first outfit is one that I purchased and wore over seas in London and Scotland. I remember wearing the green pants on my first trip on the "underground" (their public transportation system, like our L) when we visited the Hard Rock Cafe. The shirt I purchased at a gift shop by the river Thames. The inside of the letting shows pictures of different places of interest in London, like the second N with the "London eye". I wore this outfit all through my first year of college and eventually become to heavy to wear the pants, which aren't really in style anymore, and the shirt picked up stains here and there, one of which was a big white paint stain from technical theater. RIP London outfit, and thanks for the good times.




The second outfit is comprised to two pieces I wouldn't normally wear together. The top is one that I wore during high school, almost a decade ago. The buttons down the front seem to go on forever, and I used to wear it on dates and during numerous plays. The skirt I borrowed from my good friend Jessica and then later negotiated keeping. I wore it during Speech and Performance competitions and later to job interviews and work at Hickory farms. Both pieces still fit me today, but the memories have actually gotten too painful to continue wearing either.

These last shirts all mark milestones in my life. My unhappy shirt goes straight back to my "goth" days before even high school. I remember wearing it around Eddie (My first boyfriend) and to family parties as well. Also as a farewell shirt every time I would leave from another trip to GA. I loved and hated this shirt at the same time. The "Fall Out Boy" shirt I bought at my first concert (I know FOB was my first concert, eeeewww) which coincidentally was the first time I realized I had feelings for Michael. I believed we all were able to go to that concert because Brett scored extra tickets and then had an emergency or something and couldn't go. I got to hold Mike's had at one point, and boy did he look HOT in his blue and white leather jacket, even if he was more interested in Kaleen that night.

The black shirt with the buttons down the side goes back to freshman year. I don't fit in it anymore, which drives me crazy. I wore that shirt during a play I helped outside of school called "Dog Brain" and then later on dates in Chicago. I never once felt unattractive in it, and letting it go was really hard because in a way it felt like admitting that I'm not anymore. Finally, the green shirt with the skyline on it that says "death cab for cutie" I wore on my 18th birthday party which I held at a hookah bar. Samantha, Mike, and Mike, Peter, Joe, Becca, Anna, Riebana and John were all there that night. It was one of the last times that group of people would ever be all together again. It's really tattered now, but will always remind me of fun times.

It feels good to let go of these items and move on towards the future. I wonder what memories my new wardrobe will bring. I wonder what items I'll pick to represent who I am. Let me give one final RIP to all my outfits. I wore them well, I wore them out, and I'm ready to say goodbye to them all.

Now, onward to better things, more stylish articles of clothing that fit me properly and show off the weight that I've lost and will continue to lose!

Bye Bye Fat-Ass!

My entire life food has been an addiction. Being Italian hasn't helped at all, but when your really get down to the point, it's no one's fault but my own that I am the way I am.

It is my intention to make a change to that. Today. My birth is a bit less than two months away. I want to be at LEAST 20 pounds lighter by then.

I have stocked my fridge with 3 different types of fish. I'm making chicken and spinach for dinner tonight. Eating fish for the day two times a week, chicken three days and beef/pork/lamb to make up the difference. Doing low carbohydrates as well, and working out three days a week.

I think this is the trick, because this is what I haven't been doing on a regular basis for the last 4 months.

I also intend to use this now as a place to record my pain, frustration, happiness, diet choices and the like as I attempt to drop this weight.

After the first 20 pounds I'm going to re-evaluate and go for another 20, hopefully before October. Wish me luck, I'm sure that I'm going to need it.

Living my own fairy tale..

For anyone who doesn't already know, Mike works nights. Sometimes there are weeks in a row where he's at work during the night, and I have to choose to either not sleep, or sleep alone. It's never easy, because there really is nothing like sleeping next him.

A lot of the time I choose to watch sappy romance movies in order to feel closer to him. Anything goes, from "The notebook" to "P.S I love you" the result of which is always me crying in my apartment alone, missing him.

It might seem completely ridiculous or pathetic to you, but that's just me. My story is just as deep and affectionate as any movie I could watch, but it has the added bonus of being mine oh mine.

There was this early summer evening years ago where Mike and I stumbled upon a stage in the middle of grant park. It was a big black stage that some sort of band must have been using earlier that day or something. We had it all to ourselves, and we sat there and interviewed each other. It was a moment where I found myself losing track of time, all I wanted to do was be with him.

All I ever want is to appreciate being with him. Sometimes we're together and don't say anything at all, sometimes we can't stop talking. I wish we would talk more currently, I know we have the same goals and dreams...it would be nicer if we could work together to achieve them.

Starting over..

I'm on my new laptop, a present from mike for valentines day. Having technology under my finger tips has inspired me to make some changes to my blog, so I hope you like what I ended up with.

A week or so ago, my uncle had a heart attack. It effected me more than I thought it would, and it has really motivated me to get my own stuff together. When the hospital analyzed his blockage they said that it was caused from smoking.

He's doing okay, you can tell in his voice that he's been effected by the experience. I think as the days go on it continues to become a reality to him that he almost died and that nothing will be the same from now on.

I don't want to lose anyone in my life, but losing my uncle would be one of the worst things that could happen. He's like an ocean liner, if he went down he'd take a lot of people with him. My mother for one, and grandmother, his girls and his ex wives. We would all be lost in the water, drowning and cold...

Taking a break from cleaning my apartment to share some thoughts. I wish energy was something that came natural to me, but it seems like more and more I have to will myself out of bed or off of the sofa in order to get anything done.

I've been following a video blogger that mike turned me onto, and it's made me think about my life a lot more. She's so funny, quirky and interesting. I wish people saw me the way she is seen. I supposed you have to be a bit more put together than I am for that to happen though.

I feel like if I could just actualize my self image, life would fall into line with what I picture a lot more easily. Is that wishful thinking, I don't know, but I don't want to live my entire life striving to achieve something and never actually get there. On my wedding day will I still way over 2oo pounds and have to compromise on looking and feeling the way that I thought I would?

I think this applies to everything in my life. Will I compromise on the house I want to live in, the job I want to do, the people I want to make friends with, the sites I want to see?

I know it all starts with me, with some tiny light inside of myself that needs to shine brightly and burn strongly in order to propel me in the direction I want to go, but I can't help feeling that my light is sputtering, and perhaps at times not burning at all.

How do I motivate myself? How do I hold onto the things that I have and move toward the things that I want?

I don't want to fail myself, and I don't want to fail Mike, and I feel like I am. I can see it there in his eyes..a loss of something that used to be there before, and it makes me feel sick. How could this person who used to be so taken with me look at me the way he does now.

My art history teacher drives me crazy. She laughs. In the middle of her sentence it's like all of a sudden she decided what she's saying is funny, and she laughs through the rest of whatever she was saying. It pisses me off like none other. Why are the great artists of the past funny? Why are beautiful works of art, be it christian or biblical, funny? Oh.Wait. They AREN'T.

We should be in awe of these great works. We should have passion and be compelled to discuss them further, burst into tears while looking at them, but don't laugh. Please...

Yoga has been good. My teacher said i'm hyperflexable...awesome...as a woman..hearing that was really great.

I'm feeling less depressed. Getting up and moving around has helped a lot. I feel like I have a date with happiness, this saturday Alex is driving down and we're going to the interpol show...and I'm just hoping I can get my apartment clean and my mood up in time. Stock the house with a bit of food too maybe..rustle up some money for a drink or two at the show.

I miss you. I wish you were here to see a movie with me or eat food. I wish I could talk with you in person. It's funny because people spend so much of their time talking looking into the middle distance or out a window or something...we don't make eye contact enough.

Mike and I are going to have asian helper for dinner, and then I have work. Hopefully I can get a nap in before then...also a workout after yoga. Still having the weird dreams. Hmm..maybe I should start a dream journal...

I'm overdue, but I want to make this short and sweet.

There's a blizzard on, and i'm sick.

sweet, and short.

I messed up my shoulder at the gym. I saw the number on the scale and freaked, then over worked myself to try to compensate, but the truth of the matter is that you don't achieve changed quickly. True change takes time and effort, almost as much if not more than the effort you put in to get where you currently are.

It's about self discipline, of which I know almost nothing. I hate that about myself. Why is it that I always take more than I should because I know there will be more? I eat until I'm full, I spend money that I don't have, I sleep more than I need ect ect.

I want to try to have more focus, be more disciplined and shoot myself like an arrow at the target of things that I want.

I wish I could be more beneficial in my relationship with Mike. I wish I made more money and had more energy. Is it a bad sign that we haven't had sex in a month? Why aren't we more intimate with each other? How much of not being intimate has to do with the fact that I hate my body? Again. Does he hate his? Mine?

Today I felt fat, like really fat. At the gym I found out that I gained 5 more pounds instead of losing anything. I hated myself. My face got all ready during my work out. I don't know how I let it get this bad or why I let myself go this much. I want to get it back, I want to get my appetite under control.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm a stress eater for sure. I feel like I have this addiction and it's slowly killing my body. I don't want to be this way. I want to be fit.

In other terrible news I found out today that my building was sold to people who don't even live in the area. Grrreat. Things are going to be changing and this place i've been so lucky to live in might just go to pot.

I'm walking a tight rope here, I don't know how long I can keep going before I slip. No wonder I want to sleep it all away so badly.

The best part of my day, if there was one is when I listened to the waves of the pacific ocean during yoga and did some deep downward facing dog poses. That or the gym with Lauren where I hopefully worked off some of the major deposits I've been putting in my fatass account lately.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pizza/pasta/tacos this weekend.

I guess i've just become a lot more depressed since a certain someone moved away from me, and Joe won't talk to me for more than 3 mins at a time.

well, the first day of classes went well, but my schedule is all messed up now.

I woke up at 5:30am this morning...I don't know how i'm going to stay up all night. Drugs, probably, and good music.

I'm doing laundry and watching the bears game right now (it's a massacre so far) and then I have to do my mother's hair before going home. I'm hoping I can take a shower and whatnot before work.

My dreams have been odd as of late..lots of zombie apocalypse and sex going on, I like it better when I sleep during the day. It has been nice to see the sun though.

I feel like I'm falling back into step with the person I see in my mind, the one I want to be in real life. If I could continue losing weight that would be great.

I started classes today, looks like every Tuesday and Thursday will mean getting up early to be at class at 8am. Early meaning 6am. I asked my boss not to schedule me on Monday's and Wednesday's, so that I can get to sleep early, but what I forgot was that I might have to suffer working on a day I went to class. I don't know what that's going to feel like.

Classes were okay, my art history is at 8am..we're studying med-evil to modern art and I'm hoping to gain enough of an understanding to purchase some nice painting for the apartment. My yoga class is okay, its very full, but i'm sure some people will drop out, and it's also not what i'm used to, it being Hatha yoga, and me having an Kundalini base...I hope I can appreciate it for what it has to offer...that class is at 11am

..after yoga I pick up Lauren from her house and make the trip over to the gym. Its nice to have someone to work out with, and it's nice to have the time set aside simply for working out. I hope that if I go regularly during the semester, at the end i'll be in better shape. I don't know if two days a week is enough. Maybe i'll try to go on sundays too.

I was supposed to have dinner with brett yesterday, but missed it because I was sleeping. I feel terrible about that.

Tonight Mike and I are going with his brother Nick and Debbie to go see the premiere of an live action Anime movie called Gantz...I hope it's good. Then on the way home Mike and I are going to stop into Late Bar to supposed this month's VSC...

I hope it isn't too cold tonight...NPR said it could hit -25...and as i'm finishing up this blog I can already feel the temperature dropping outside.

I'm missing a certain someone, and when I passed their street off of Mannheim I had to remind myself that I couldn't just pick them up for lunch if I felt like it, because they're in stupid Bloomington.

Moving forward..

I had a good night tonight. I went out with mike and two of his friends. Got some pizza, went to a bar and had some drinks. It was good, and I enjoyed myself, but I realized something when the night was coming to a close.

Things are beginning to shift a bit for mike and I, the rhythm of hanging out with my friends and doing things is shifting to hanging out with his friends. I'm happy for him that this is happening, because for a long time he's needed the company of the people he wanted to be close with, and after a long time it's finally happening.

But I'm sad for myself too, because it seems that the people I thought meant something to my life are all going in different directions. Samantha is long gone, she doesn't text or call, she has a new husband and a new life, and it's never occured to her to come back to see whats up, or call when she's in town or answer my phone calls.

..and now Masella is leaving? How am I going to deal with that? The one person I counted on to be there when I needed them isn't going to be there. I know it's something that's been a long time coming. Don't put your stock into a single man who has feelings for you right? They're eventually going to move on. Even though I knew it couldn't last forever, I'm scared for what the future is going to bring. He's the guy that understood my quirks when even my other friends didn't. He's the one who knew my dark side and liked it, wouldn't mind letting me cry or talk a mile a minute or laugh hysterically or be incredibly pissed off. He let me be myself around him.

Who the fuck am I going to be able to show myself to now?

Joe? Lauren? Someone I haven't met?


What friends do the future hold for me? Will people not like what they see in me? Was Masella too forgiving? Too tolerant? Too loving?

Am I ready for the world?

I'm not ready to lose the one friend that ever gave a damn, even if it was because he was in love with me. What does it mean that he doesn't find it the least bit hard to get up and go? That he's wanted for so long to run in the other direction?

I don't know where I go from here, and as the door is closing on this chapter of my life I can't help but feel like I'm alone in a dark room...all those monsters under the bed are now starting to creep out and all the demons I stuffed in the closet are trying to get free.

I find it really funny that my father called me today. Yesterday I was telling mike how I'm finished wanting his help, his approval and his love. He has not contacted me in months, even though he's now living and working a mere 20 minutes from where I live.

I started thinking maybe Vince had it right, maybe its useless to try to force something that was never there to begin with..and I decided I don't want to try to shove him into a box he'll never fit in.

..and then he calls me today. It's like he felt the unleash of my emotions and knew he better call because it's now or never.

I didn't answer. I don't think I'm going to. He can leave a message if he wants to speak with me, because from now on I'm screening. Screening my emotions and stilling my heart against his "almost" love.

This beef and cheese nonsense is almost over, and I'm going to pursue Loyola and the gym hard, I'm going to flesh out my body and my mind until I'm happy with what I see in the mirror.

It's Yule today..something special is supposed to be happening, but unfortunately I didn't work out the foresight or desire to work through that ahead of time.

Sometimes I don't mind letting what fades away go...like my relationship with Samantha or Brett, my relationship with my Dad or holidays like Yule...
..I have my family, and he's taking a shower in the other room. I don't mind spending every day on the sofa with him resting his head between my legs. It's awesome in that place, and I don't care what the world thinks about me.

My friends give me that...Masella does, and so does Joe...a place where I know I'm protected and nurtured from the outer judgements and persecutions of others, and it's nice in that place too.

Only justin from blue october knows my pain. Why can't he actually hold me the way he does in my dreams.

Strip club. I thought i'd be okay with it until I realized that you were getting private dances. More intimate, more wrong. I'm probably a hypocrite, but I don't care. It struck a massive jealously cord inside my stomach. I can't look at you, I want to rip your throat out.

Obviously it's very animalistic.

Meanwhile, i'm pretty much done with beef and cheese. I want this week to end, I want to have a nice christmas with my family, and then I want to start to get back to my normal life. My gym, and all.