I disappearing into the snow.

I find myself sitting on the futon after a long time, mike in the bedroom, far too often.

I changed it up last night. Slept in the bed.

I really do want to have a dinner for Yule. I was thinking about making a big pasta dish. Or chicken? I don't know..I was thinking of what it would look like, candles all lit, people sitting and talking, maybe I'd pass around a bowl of questions. Alcohol. I wonder if Samantha would come out. I'd really like that.

I want to do it..but i'm scared it will be a bust.

Maybe I won't do it...maybe i'll just continue to disappear. It's easier.

I need to get my car fixed, do the laundry, finish Christmas shopping, and take care of myself a bit more.


...and maybe connect with my boyfriend..if he'll let me.

So im feeling massively overrun. Completely in complete and totally lost. Dont worry, im okay with it.

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Getting back into work today. I think i'm going to go in after all the drama has commenced. I'm just finished with all that nonsense.

Nonsense in general it starting to become something that sends me in the other direction. I'm tired of people not saying what they mean or what they feel.

More over..I need to worry about myself, and my family. That's what the few precious days of time off has shown me. My fiance', my mother and my brothers are the most important people in my life right now...christmas is coming, and christmas eve is going to be at my place, something i've looked forward to for a long time. I want to be prepared. A christmas tree, maybe a wreath and some lights...good food cooking in the kitchen and candles lit all over my apartment..and presents.

I don't have a lot of money to spare this year, and what money I do have needs to go to the people who matter the most.

I've heard countless people stating reasons why I won't be getting a present from them this year. I want them to know, it's fine by me, and I hope they understand that it goes both ways.

I'm thinking about myself, and I'm thinking about my family, and that's the most imporant thing right now, for my happiness my sanity and my dignity.

The snow looks more beautiful on the lake and around my building than I could have possibly hoped for. I can't wait to get a tree and decorate my apartment a little.

I spent the day in bed though.

I was hiding away today. I was not ready to brave streets and drivers and employees and parents today.

Plus Anne of Green Gables was on TV...okay okay I know what you're thinking, that I'm a total dweeb..and you're right, I am. I don't care, because Anne of Green Gables ROCKS. (For those who have no clue what I'm talking about, it's an old school movie based off of a book written 100 years ago about a girl who lives in this beautiful countryside at the turn of the century. It's little house on the prairie for grownups.

So tonight I'm making dinner for my mom. Something i've wanted to do for a long time, but haven't been able to because of the state of my apartment and my life. Rosemary and lemon chicken with a side of broccoli and cheese as well as some tomato Parmesan pasta and the kicker- fresh baked biscuits. She is going to freak. Plus I got a bottle of champagne. The best, Korbel.

Something about treating others makes me feel so good inside.

I'm really enjoying the holiday season. I'm not letting it rush past me this time. I'm slowing down and letting it just happen.

...I was thinking of inviting a small group of friends over for Yule..

I woke up to the phone buzzing, and I wasn't really sure where I was this morning. I knew I was cold, and that my throat was in pain...I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling for a couple minutes, trying to acclimate to ...my life, I guess? After a couple of minutes I was able to get my body up and into the bathroom.

That's when the pain started, in my calves and arms. My wrist in particular. I shouldn't have climbed so high in the storage unit yesterday, shouldn't have thrown that box thinking it wouldn't come back down on me. Shouldnt have tried to take care of everything by myself...

I wrapped myself in every scarf I could find, and put my coat and boots on to move my car.

Don't worry, no ticket on my car..no flat tire or anything..just me in the cold by the lake this morning. Even with the cold wind stinging my face the lake still looks beautiful. I still can't take my eyes away, even after 7 months.

I was remembering the first day..when we walked along the lake path down by lake shore drive...how the water was a sky blue instead of the ice gray it was this morning, how you could smell it's sweet scent in the air, and feel the weight of it. How we debated the pros and cons of the apartment, and what it would be like to live in a place next to such a force.

Things are colder now, the lake seemed oddly quiet today..and as I walked back into the apartment I couldn't help but think about how I didn't know it was going to be this hard.


We prevail...and just because a job might end or a bills might pile up does not mean we can't push through. You've shown me that numerous times...so I believe we can prevail when it comes to us..to our relationship. I love talking to you...your fast paced descriptions of life and all its contents. I love how articulate you are...you're like my own Robert downy jr. I love that you've learned to match me in fights. You don't curl into that shell anymore, you dominate with opinion and sincerity.

I wish you would show the same force in other relationships, because you shouldn't take shit from anyone.

I want to show you everything in London..I want to show you the tower, and walk the bridge with you. We can take a day and go see Shakespeare's house if you wanted too, there is so much...and I really want it to happen..maybe we could aim for June?

Northlake weighs you down..those shitty suburbs where everything seems so breakable and expensive. I wish I could stay in the boarders of the city more often, I wish I could appreciate my apartment and burn incence and cook today..

..but there are responsibilties waiting for me...and it's almost time to wake you up.

So I'm thinking "yeah whateva" today.

I know I should care more about my mall, I know the system wants me to be so scared that I shove the training down their throats. Not me. Not anymore. I'm a realistic person, and I'm not going to be run by unrealistic ideas or what someone else wants me to do.

I've been thinking about skipping town. A lot.

That monster of a girl who comes out when feeling threatened...she's peeking out today.

Pausing for a moment to write down some thoughts.

Jenny from work scares the shit out of me. I haven't gone up against anyone in quite sometime. All my friends are guys, so I've managed to lay low on the drama scale. Then there comes this girl from work. She's put words in my mouth, bitched about me behind my back, ect ect.

I don't know how to proceed here. My mind is telling me to just ignore it, just freeze and make the minimum amount of attention..but I still feel scared.

I'm sure there's strength inside me, an animal ready to attack at the very moment I feel threatened. I don't know if I want to let her out of the cage...for now I will take the path of least conflict and hope that most of my friends will be able to work it out for themselves that I'm not whatever she might say that I am..

In other news I've decided that Monday means back on the diet train. I still want to lost 15 pounds by Christmas, my gift to myself. I know I can do, and starting Monday I'm going to give it my best shot.

I'm happy to have cleaned the apartment. The front room still needs some work...maybe I'll be able to get to that tonight...and laundry.

Sometimes I worry that I spend too much time in the fantastical world and not enough in real life. It probably isn't good to float on clouds for too long I don't want to drift back down to earth to find that because I wasn't paying close enough attention I let the things that matter most just slip away from me.

It has come to my attention that I have no idea what I'm doing. I am BARELY making my way through this life. I'm sure as hell not taking a conventional approach, and the reason I've managed to make it this far is because mike provides for me.

...sometimes I look at him, brushing his teeth or looking for a clean pair of pants and I hate myself for letting him work so hard. I look at him so tired and barely alive and hate myself for taking everything from him and not giving enough back.

It really wasn't his responsibility to clean the apartment. He pays the bills. The least I can do is make sure he has a clean home and clean clothing to come home to. That and maybe a hot meal. AT LEAST.

I would probably do well to remember that.

Make the appointment at Loyola Ally.

I don't want to owe anything to anyone.

That's a goal i'm setting for myself. To become 100% self sufficient.

...but in the immediate future i'll settle with just not forgetting to say thank you to those who provide for me.

Today was the perfect day. Why? Because of you. I got to be with you almost all day. You fed me excellent food, joked around with me all day, and the sex. Amazing.

I wish you could know how entirely I am yours. My entire heart and soul are wrapped up in you.

Thank you, thank you for taking me today.

My personal trainer mentioned today that I am the type of person who tends to let things build up to a boiling point. I could not help thinking about how dead right that statement is for me. I've been over eating since I got back from New Orleans.

New Orleans...this trip that was supposed to mark a changed Alexandria, a more self actualized me...turned out to be a bust in every way. I did not make my flight, illustrating that I'm not a person of punctuality. I made a decision to invite a friend without thinking about what that would entail. I cried instead of taking a deep breath and attempting to solve the problem rationally.

In truth I am no where near the finished product I view in my head as a completed "me" and New Orleans was a rude awakening to that fact.

Since getting back I've felt down, and I have been struggling to pick myself back up. I'm depressed, more than I have ever been before. It has nothing to do with the world around me, and everything to do with how disappointed I consistently am with the actions I choose within my world. I do not make myself proud.

I cry myself to sleep a lot. Okay- all the time, especially if Mike's not there with me. It does not seem to matter how hard I try during the day. No matter how many smiles I force or how much energy I build up, at the end of the day when I lay my head on that pillow at night, I don't like the person I am, and my stomach sinks with the thought of having to wake up and do it all over again.

Sometimes I wish I could live in the blackness.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I feel this slow creeping numbness, and it scares me. I push against it, more and more drastically because I want to feel something, but if I don't back off and slow down..if I don't stop, someone is going to get hurt.


I know in my heart that the best way to regain feeling, and emotion is to break from every stimulus and then slowly reintegrate everything.

You don't touch me for days, but when you finally rest your hand on the back of my neck, or slide your fingers under my shirt to undress me, I'm on fire. No one does that to my body the way you do. No one knows how to make me blush inside.


I want to find a way to make more time. I want to watch you sleep in peace, with out the hanging fear that you'll have to wake at any minute. I want you to feel clean, relaxed and at peace. I want to do anything and everything in my power to make you comfortable.

I complained, and you tried harder. I told you what I wanted, and you kept yourself up longer to give it to me. I don't know what I did to deserve your undying devotion, but I'm thankful for it. It brings me to my knees when you're not looking. Let me give it back to you. Tell me all your undisclosed desires. Let me make it right.

Thought I would take some time to write a real blog.

My dad is supposed to be here in chicago all week. I called him yesterday, but he still hasn't called. How hard is it to call? Even if it's just to say he's too busy to do something.

The whole thing pisses me off because I know he'll play the "you never called me" card.

I still need to make an appointment at Loyola. I'm gearing myself up for that.

I was thinking of putting together a small Salon at my house with 10 or so people and some drinks and food. Just an evening to talk with each other, maybe pass around a bowl of ice breaker questions. Could be fun to have some people together at least once this winter. Lady A used to throw these types of parties, and I find myself missing them greatly. Bars are okay, but nothing like having the quiet relaxed atmosphere of a living room with candles lit and good conversation.

I feel a lot like the song "Firework" by Katy Perry at this point in my life.

Make me feel like I'm only girl in the world.

Take me to France.

Take me...somewhere.

I sat down to write this blog, and I wasn't quite sure what to talk about. I rattled on to myself about relationships and problems and things I want to vent out, but in the end I thought to myself, "ambition". I don't want to continually wallow in the problems. They're there, and probably always will be, and sure maybe they're worse then ever, but I don't want to concentrate on that.

I want to think about where I want to go.

New Orleans didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, because I haven't been turning out the way I'd hoped.

Become more sociable, that's a goal of mine for sure.

Become and maintain an active lifestyle is another.

The big one, the one I am most afraid of falling through, is to finish school.

I have a dream for myself, and for my life, and I believe in that dream very strongly, but I haven't seen myself move toward that dream in a long time. I used to be this bull headed creature who plowed towards what I wanted with strength and confidence, I'm much more like the ram now, with the same momentum but no direction. I'm hitting walls left and right because I don't have the foresight to aim for the door and break out of the room.

I'd like more focus, and more stability....well, perhaps I have enough stability, and what I really need it to just believe it exists.

Faith in those around me, and trust in the world.

I'd like to visit the Baha'i temple sometime soon, and eat more Indian Food. I really like Indian food.

That's a wrap for now, I'd like to end it on a good note.

I feel like everything happens for a reason.

I don't normally feel like that.

This warp speed thing is happening...I feel like we're traveling in slipstream..or the moment before..where your body is being propelled forward so fast that it appears slow.

..I don't know what's going to happen...and I feel a little bit like i'm losing control of it..

...Do you want to be with other woman?

I know I fucking suck as a girlfriend...but please don't cheat on me...I really do love you more than life itself.

....I wish you could believe me.

I wish I could look into your heart and know for sure if you love me, or if you're just playing me until you find that perfect girl...

...I can be your perfect girl...Please Please Please give me that chance...one more time..

I won't screw it up this time around.

You are worth it.
You are the best man.
I lovedjew.

....I really wouldn't have come back if I didn't..

What happened to my saturday?

I woke up feeling like everything that happened yesterday...all the drama I perpetuated was so stupid and idiotic.

I don't know why I do the things I do...bottom line is that I love Mike..

...I'm sorry to say that I think it all happened because I was bored.

Okay...hard and true fact....I am a bitch. A Bitch.

I looked around at my life...and although I like so many aspects of what I see...it can not be denied that the way I function in my environment is quite selfish. I undermine people..I fuck them over, use them abuse them..

I did lead Steve on...why? Because it was Hot.

But nothing is hotter then where the night ended up going...nothing is hotter then ending up with the man I love and lust for..

I ...want to control myself..but I'm so young...I also want to let myself free. It's a weird situation that needs a comfortable medium.

Dancing would help.
Dancing and Drinking, and having fun...outside...with others.

Nightmares and Dreamscrapes

I feel like this is all fleeting.

I'm driving myself crazy over Joe. I didn't want to say it out loud...I don't know if I can say it out loud. I'm going crazy. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he okay? ...even as I'm writing it I realize that it's nonsense. Who cares? What does it matter? What would it do for me?

Nothing...this is so stupid..

Maybe the real problem is that my boyfriend doesn't trust me for shit. I feel like I have no trust no freedom, and that he's going to leave me at any second.

I know I deserve this....I deserve this...I deserve this..

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be a good person.
Most of the time I feel like everyone in my family hates or could care less about me.

Mike is the only family I have. Why am I constantly threatening that?

Would therapy help?
Maybe I should get some religion.
Some serious religion..

haha..

I am so scared that I am going to fuck up my life beyond repair..I'm scared that Mike will stop loving me.

..I don't think I could cope with either of those things.

Lately everyday is exactly the same

I'm getting that thing where I start to dislike the routine of my life. Not my life per-say, but the way that everything is exactly the same everyday...nothing ever changes.

Halloween is coming up, I'm hoping for a break from the routine...it looks like Mike and I might be heading over to Iowa, to see Riebana and Jon...I really really really hope that plays out, because I miss them, and I really need a break...and a road trip :)

Not that my car would make it...urgh...the battery is acting funny...sometimes my car doesn't want to start...hopefully it just needs to acclimate to the cold weather.

My mind is still that battleground..in case you're wondering. Only I've upgraded my weapons and shit...i'm trying to take on the nightmares head on...

On another note, I'm totally addicted to Twilight, the New Moon book in particular. Jennifer should read it. Because she'd love it.

...Nov 20th...

How do you speak freely when you know someone is listening?

Mike thinks that it's weird for me to keep these things. He says that I should burn them, throw them out, lock them up in a box and put them away..something..

Alex and I burned a few things, and it made me feel better, but it hasn't stopped the nightmares. I wrote a letter, and lit it on fire over sage..

I felt better..for awhile.

To me the idea of throwing these things out is useless..I mean..they are perfectly good things, useful, entertaining...why should I just throw them away?

I can't remember the name of his car..the G6...I think it was something like fiona..or falinia...something.

I worry that he is going to walk up to my front door one day, and demand something from me...or point a gun at me and pull the trigger.

I know that I probably don't need to be paranoid like that..but I am...I have this fear that he might try to kill me...out of some blame that I ruined his life, his marriage...something..


To hear him on the phone that way...talking about needing a priest...it really freaked me out. I don't put a lot of stock into religion..and to hear someone putting every once of faith into religion like that...was really fucking weird. It was the first step in realizing that I didn't truly know this person.


I know that him and I are probably much more alike then I want to admit. If life is as forgiving as I think it is, he's probably thinking the same things about me...probably just happy to be left in tact...probably feeling like the victim of someone's terrible game..

..that's how I feel...

Like I was lucky to get out with my life in tact...my sanity in tact..

Like I'm even more blessed and lucky to still have my friends, my family, and my lover.

I hope that he is happy. He's probably working his ass off...as far as I could tell, he was in quite a lot of debt...that has to suck. I decided not to go after the 500 dollars he owes my mother...I wouldn't get anything, and it wouldn't be worth it anyway. You're Welcome.

...I just want the nightmares to stop...but i'll settle for them to just be less lucid. If I could wake up and know where I am right away, that would be amazing. I don't want to get up and look at the floor to see if it's hardwood or hospital tile...I want to just trust that it's the fluffy carpet of our bedroom.


Sometimes I really do feel like I'm being haunted. My thoughts feel like they've been put there...inserted into my brain so that I have no control over what I think and when I think it.

..and to know that it's happening to Mike to...that hurts so bad...I can't begin to tell you what it does to me to see him upset and know that i'm the cause of it..

I just want to push forward..

The Glide, a rock concert experience

I just got back from this rock concert that i've been waiting for for like a month, and I was so incredibly pleased. I took my cousin, and I think that she really enjoyed it as well..as luck would have it, I totally forgot my camera. It's funny to me, that sometimes not having the camera makes the experience so much more memorable to you. I remember the way that the place looked and smelt way more then I would if I had been behind that lens the whole time.

Mike and I danced. We haven't danced in a very long time. Jennifer said that we looked adorable, and that made me feel really good.

You know what else made me feel really good? The fact that I was out on a saturday night, with my boyfriend and one of my best friends, at a kick ass show in the middle of chicago.

Living life.

Hello you beautiful, unused dusty blog you!

I'm so sorry that you've been neglected and left all alone. I'm here now.

I'm going to be uploading some of my art soon. I'm taking a drawing class. This is my last semester before moving on to..you know, a REAL college. Not that I'm not liking community college, I am, I've really found a home there.