I feel like everything happens for a reason.

I don't normally feel like that.

This warp speed thing is happening...I feel like we're traveling in slipstream..or the moment before..where your body is being propelled forward so fast that it appears slow.

..I don't know what's going to happen...and I feel a little bit like i'm losing control of it..

...Do you want to be with other woman?

I know I fucking suck as a girlfriend...but please don't cheat on me...I really do love you more than life itself.

....I wish you could believe me.

I wish I could look into your heart and know for sure if you love me, or if you're just playing me until you find that perfect girl...

...I can be your perfect girl...Please Please Please give me that chance...one more time..

I won't screw it up this time around.

You are worth it.
You are the best man.
I lovedjew.

....I really wouldn't have come back if I didn't..

What happened to my saturday?

I woke up feeling like everything that happened yesterday...all the drama I perpetuated was so stupid and idiotic.

I don't know why I do the things I do...bottom line is that I love Mike..

...I'm sorry to say that I think it all happened because I was bored.

Okay...hard and true fact....I am a bitch. A Bitch.

I looked around at my life...and although I like so many aspects of what I see...it can not be denied that the way I function in my environment is quite selfish. I undermine people..I fuck them over, use them abuse them..

I did lead Steve on...why? Because it was Hot.

But nothing is hotter then where the night ended up going...nothing is hotter then ending up with the man I love and lust for..

I ...want to control myself..but I'm so young...I also want to let myself free. It's a weird situation that needs a comfortable medium.

Dancing would help.
Dancing and Drinking, and having fun...outside...with others.

Nightmares and Dreamscrapes

I feel like this is all fleeting.

I'm driving myself crazy over Joe. I didn't want to say it out loud...I don't know if I can say it out loud. I'm going crazy. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he okay? ...even as I'm writing it I realize that it's nonsense. Who cares? What does it matter? What would it do for me?

Nothing...this is so stupid..

Maybe the real problem is that my boyfriend doesn't trust me for shit. I feel like I have no trust no freedom, and that he's going to leave me at any second.

I know I deserve this....I deserve this...I deserve this..

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be a good person.
Most of the time I feel like everyone in my family hates or could care less about me.

Mike is the only family I have. Why am I constantly threatening that?

Would therapy help?
Maybe I should get some religion.
Some serious religion..

haha..

I am so scared that I am going to fuck up my life beyond repair..I'm scared that Mike will stop loving me.

..I don't think I could cope with either of those things.

Lately everyday is exactly the same

I'm getting that thing where I start to dislike the routine of my life. Not my life per-say, but the way that everything is exactly the same everyday...nothing ever changes.

Halloween is coming up, I'm hoping for a break from the routine...it looks like Mike and I might be heading over to Iowa, to see Riebana and Jon...I really really really hope that plays out, because I miss them, and I really need a break...and a road trip :)

Not that my car would make it...urgh...the battery is acting funny...sometimes my car doesn't want to start...hopefully it just needs to acclimate to the cold weather.

My mind is still that battleground..in case you're wondering. Only I've upgraded my weapons and shit...i'm trying to take on the nightmares head on...

On another note, I'm totally addicted to Twilight, the New Moon book in particular. Jennifer should read it. Because she'd love it.

...Nov 20th...

How do you speak freely when you know someone is listening?

Mike thinks that it's weird for me to keep these things. He says that I should burn them, throw them out, lock them up in a box and put them away..something..

Alex and I burned a few things, and it made me feel better, but it hasn't stopped the nightmares. I wrote a letter, and lit it on fire over sage..

I felt better..for awhile.

To me the idea of throwing these things out is useless..I mean..they are perfectly good things, useful, entertaining...why should I just throw them away?

I can't remember the name of his car..the G6...I think it was something like fiona..or falinia...something.

I worry that he is going to walk up to my front door one day, and demand something from me...or point a gun at me and pull the trigger.

I know that I probably don't need to be paranoid like that..but I am...I have this fear that he might try to kill me...out of some blame that I ruined his life, his marriage...something..


To hear him on the phone that way...talking about needing a priest...it really freaked me out. I don't put a lot of stock into religion..and to hear someone putting every once of faith into religion like that...was really fucking weird. It was the first step in realizing that I didn't truly know this person.


I know that him and I are probably much more alike then I want to admit. If life is as forgiving as I think it is, he's probably thinking the same things about me...probably just happy to be left in tact...probably feeling like the victim of someone's terrible game..

..that's how I feel...

Like I was lucky to get out with my life in tact...my sanity in tact..

Like I'm even more blessed and lucky to still have my friends, my family, and my lover.

I hope that he is happy. He's probably working his ass off...as far as I could tell, he was in quite a lot of debt...that has to suck. I decided not to go after the 500 dollars he owes my mother...I wouldn't get anything, and it wouldn't be worth it anyway. You're Welcome.

...I just want the nightmares to stop...but i'll settle for them to just be less lucid. If I could wake up and know where I am right away, that would be amazing. I don't want to get up and look at the floor to see if it's hardwood or hospital tile...I want to just trust that it's the fluffy carpet of our bedroom.


Sometimes I really do feel like I'm being haunted. My thoughts feel like they've been put there...inserted into my brain so that I have no control over what I think and when I think it.

..and to know that it's happening to Mike to...that hurts so bad...I can't begin to tell you what it does to me to see him upset and know that i'm the cause of it..

I just want to push forward..

The Glide, a rock concert experience

I just got back from this rock concert that i've been waiting for for like a month, and I was so incredibly pleased. I took my cousin, and I think that she really enjoyed it as well..as luck would have it, I totally forgot my camera. It's funny to me, that sometimes not having the camera makes the experience so much more memorable to you. I remember the way that the place looked and smelt way more then I would if I had been behind that lens the whole time.

Mike and I danced. We haven't danced in a very long time. Jennifer said that we looked adorable, and that made me feel really good.

You know what else made me feel really good? The fact that I was out on a saturday night, with my boyfriend and one of my best friends, at a kick ass show in the middle of chicago.

Living life.

Hello you beautiful, unused dusty blog you!

I'm so sorry that you've been neglected and left all alone. I'm here now.

I'm going to be uploading some of my art soon. I'm taking a drawing class. This is my last semester before moving on to..you know, a REAL college. Not that I'm not liking community college, I am, I've really found a home there.

Boyfriends Bread winners and starting wives.

I've been thinking on my best friend lately. I didn't really realize how much i'm thinking about her until I didn't need to do it anymore. I worry about her all the time, about her happiness, her sanity, and just...her overall well being I guess. I love my Samantha very much..and this past month or two has been a couple hard ones. I can't believe that James would just walk out of her life without blinking an eye.




The worst is that I feel like I could have..should have..done more. I saw the warning signs. He came to me a couple times and told me how frustrated he was..and looking back on it all I shouldn't have tried to talk him down myself, I shouldn't have agreed with him so much, I should have just confronted Samantha about it, but I was angry and upset and scared for her..and I didn't think about what could happen.




I think that everything we go through in life leads us down a road that we are either ultimately happy with, or not. It's so interesting to me that you could look back at times and say to youself "I'm happy for all the shitty things that happened to me, because they brought me to you." But..other times you look back and you're just depressed about where you are now. Is that a paradox? Why are we so accepting of the bad things when were at a happy time and place in our lives? Why doesn't my life work like that? It never really matters where I am or what i'm doing, I always long to return to the points of my life that happened before. I feel as though if I could rewind my life back to a point and live it up to the present again, the exact same way I would take that as soon as I could, because getting here was half the fun. Maybe I was just lucky in life. I love all of the people that i've met so far. I love all the men, all the women, all the elders and vampires, and teachers and books and movies and sports. I would love to do it all again.


Why is that?




I would do anything for Samantha, and i'm really proud of myself for not ranting about this earlier, because I knew that would have ultimately shown that I truely wasn't okay with what was happening, but now that it's all wrapped up I feel safe to talk about my past emotions during the situation...How could she even consider dating Steve? I thought there was some kind of law that you don't date your best friend's ex boyfriend? Are there limits to that law? Is it that there has to be an offical title of -boyfriend- on it? How would she have felt if I wanted to date her Cesar? I just...I don't know how I feel about the whole thing that happened. I think that I forgive her, I think that she must have really been very lonely to have thought about it..I hope that she was anyway. I hope in my heart that she wouldn't backstab me like that..I mean..there were nights where I had to tell myself that there are worse things that could happen then her sleeping with steve......her sleeping with Brett. I couldn't handle that..at all. I think I would have seriously flipped a lid if it had been Brett in Steves place. Which I guess is a good sign. It means that Steve doesn't really mean anything to me other then the past memories I have of him in my mind, and I know now that people change..The people I still know from highschool are very different people now. Steve just changed from who is more quickly then the other people I know..





I know that it probably came out as one big rant on the subject..but in the end, if they really had hit it off and fallen in love with each other, I would have sucked it up , not without some seriously crying and soul searching, but in the end, I think I would have been okay.

Does that count as Karma hitting me in the ass? Is the Karma just back building? Was there a crisis averted? Will my boyfriend break up with me tomorrow for the sake of balance?



I guess we'll have to wait and see..




Cosmetology school blows so much ass. I will cry seriously happy tears when it's all over. This is what prison feels like. I want to put out there into the universe...please universe..if there is a single human being like me in the world, please send them to cosmetology school and please send them to MY cosmetology school to help push me through the rest of my hell.

Thinking about my wedding..

My cousin Anthony was married today, to a beautiful, wonderful woman that I adore..and everyone was there to see it..all of my 2nd cousins..my great aunts and uncles, my mom and so many others..and if had me thinking..I wonder if all of those same people will be at my wedding..I wonder if they'll laugh and celebreate and be happy for me..I wonder if i'll get money and gifts and be lavished...I'm sure I will..I just..I wonder if it will be in the same ways as anthony..I wonder if the same people who love him will love me as much.. I wonder a million things..will my cousins from cali actually care enough to make the trip out there? Will my father make it awkward..

..I know that no matter how small my turn out is, I will be happy..because I get to spend that one day with mike, if no one else..and I guess that's how I know he's the right one for me..if I get to spend the day with him, it was a good day..period..doesn't matter what happens...


I just..want it to be perfect.

Near Death Experiences..

I feel like something inside of me has changed incredibily..A real car accident..accident..the fact that it was an accident doesn't change anything..it doesn't take the bruises away, it doesn't take away the fact that I could have been killed, or worse..could have killed someone..

..This is the closest i've ever come to death, and the worst part about it is that yesterday I was sitting in Samantha's living room with Anna and Mike talking about what people think in their moment's before death..

..From what I know now..they probably don't think much of anything, unless they can distinguish that they're dying, which I could barely do..I guess if you're able to realize that in the next few moments, it's probably going to be over for you, then you have time to think..but for me..it was like a split second where I knew that I was going to die, and then all of a sudden, I was thinking about how much the airbag hurt..

I think that I'm finding out a lot about who cares for me and who doesn't. The way that people reacted really put a lot in prespective for me..like for example..Brett was completely stunned, and wouldn't stop staring at me..a normal reaction I think...but..Sam...Sam called Mike and asked if he wanted to go for coffee while they waited for me to finish things up with the police..

...Whoa....I'm still not really sure how i'm feeling about that..I..need time..

I've been seriously thinking..about how I want to run, and work out a lot more..I want to be able to seriously work with my body, and feel the kind of pain that feels good after, because you know that it's helped make you better..because this kind of pain sucks..The kind of pain where you're hurt..and healing..

It's really weird..watching Will and Grace right now, eating dinner with my family, ice cream..I think that on some level..I'm about to re experience everything in my life..through eyes that have seen how quickly death can take those experiences away..

...I'm going to pray for myself, that I make it through this night, this week and for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die...I want children, I want marriage, I want..everything..

..I hope that I have time.

What? I'm still alive? No shit.

What do you do when you reach that point where you stop caring if you're alive or dead? When they're both the same thing to you?

Dangerous situations stop mattering..

..I could get hurt..
..I don't care.

To you..

I wish I could find someone who understood my fetish and worked with me so that I didn't have to be alone..

..because I feel so alone..in my life..

It's safe here..

I wish I had the guts to tell you everything i'm really thinking..

I wish I could give you an ultimatum..

I wish I had the guts to just leave you, knowing you'd come back..


But the truth?

Ultimatums are tools for people who think they have it in the bag..

...and you are anything but in my bag..

I'm too afraid to tell you that I want all or none of you..because you might leave..and if you leave


i'll fall apart..because the only thing I really want is to be able to love you..


My happiness lies in your hands..and if it were up to me..you'd let me be with you..


I wanted to tell you tonight..when you said you were lonely..

...That this is your fault. You did this to us. You and I were seconds away from being a real

team, and having what we worked so hard for, for three years. You split us up, and now we're

both alone, and missing something. So don't tell me you're lonely, because the truth of the

matter is that you're just upset you don't have someone in you're life.



I on the other hand, have to live everyday knowing that you were the one person I loved, and

you don't want me anymore.



So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every

day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every

day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now,

40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can

do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

My life..

Our heat's broken..how the fuck does that happen?

I'm freezing my god damn ass off..

What is happening to my life?

I want to get an apartment with Sam, but at the same time I really don't because then i'll be stuck here..and I don't want to be stuck here..ever..

I wanna leave, I wanna just go..I've only been back for a week and i'm already losing it..

This is not the kind of life I want..

..I think I might actually kill myself..

eddie

So I've realized that i'm not over you

and that there's nothing I can do about it..

..and now I dont know what to do about the fact that you don't want me

..how could you just..not want me..

I've thought and thought inside and out..about myself..as a person..

...and I think i'm pretty awesome..

I'm not the most attractive person in the world..but.

..neither are you..

I thought we were a good pair...

I just miss you very...very much..

I wanna see you so bad..I would give anything..

..anything..

I miss you..

...I wish you missed me..

We're human beings..we don't have that much time..and when it's up..we're just going to look

back..I don't want to regret..

I know I love you..so much..and I just don't want to be forced into saying goodbye to someone..

I feel this way about..

You would probably say i'm young..i'll find someone else..

but the truth is..I don't WANT someone else..because no one makes me feel the way you do..

..there's so much I can't do anything about..do many things I won't be able to change your mind about..

...and it hurts..it's the worst pain I know

..To know that i'll never have..you..again..hurts ..because you were so amazing

..I miss your hands on my body..and the way it felt when I would lay on top of you..I miss your

family..I miss your land..feeling like I could talk to you about anything in the world

Do you miss me at all?
Do you think of me..at all?

What about us..about the good?

If you do..why don't you tell me that..ever?...I want to hear it..

I miss your bed in the dark..I miss how good it felt not to be in my own

...but none of this matters to you..and you probably didn't even make it this far..

jesus fucking christ

I hate my nose screw.

It's like..what could have possibly made my day worse? What could possibly make it worse for

me before my vacation? MY FUCKING NOSE SCREW FELL OUT!!

Jesus Christ, I'm so frustrated..

I've been talking to myself for like an hour...

trying to pump myself up

"you wanna be a doctor, you can do this"

"it's just a nose screw"

"You rock Al, YOU ROCK, you can do this!!"

...I can't do this..i've been screwing a million different ways and it's not going in GAHHHHHH

So I finally grabbed a regular earring like ..one you put in your ear..and I jammed it in there

Fuck this shit, i'm going to bed..

..my nose is so red..and raw..

Fuck screws..I want my ring NOW.

Did you ever feel..

5:04am

I decided that i'm not going to forsake this blog anymore..

Myspace is all well and good, but this is my journal..this is where I can be me..
The people who really love me will be good enough to know the link here..

Today was a terrible day..
I cried myself to sleep last night, and woke up with crusty stuff on my eyes,

I hate that.

I had the most stupid lab of my life, the freakin' cheek cell lab that i've done at least a 100 times..

I shouldn't have even gone, it so wasn't worth it..

Things got a little better when Mike (big mike) and I went out to eat

and then things fell hard, really hard..when my card didn't work..
What the fuck?

That's the third time in a month..

You need to understand something about my past first;

I come from a family where sometimes we just wouldn't have cash..

We'd buy a weeks worth of Grocery's and get to the cashier to find out

that our check didn't work..and we'd have to leave everything..right there..

So in conclusion..I have issues with my card not working..because it makes me feel poor
Like I should be apologizing..

Right now..at this second..I have over 200 in my account..so why?
Why didn't it work?

Why did I have to be embarrassed in front of a man I like?

I didn't smoke though,

So if nothing else, it proved that I can be strong..

My face really hurts

Mike and I sat there for 3 and 1/2 hours playing Gin, talking, and making

lists of final fantasy characters..and you know..he reminds me of home..

I like this new layout, and I think i'll keep it for awhile..wanna hear a story?


okay..

So when I went to see Eddie, we got to spend three days at his house..all alone..
and there were times when I got to just sit outside, in the middle of the

winter..and it wasn't cold, it was just perfect, and I got to look out on his

land..and how beautiful it was..and I could close my eyes..and just ..be...

It actually took my head awhile to stop spinning, but eventually, I could

close my eyes and just let myself meditate, and then opening my eyes on that amazing land with those amazing stars..

..I realize now that I wouldn't live any other way..
I can't wait until my trip to U of I
..Tomorrow..
I can't wait..

I close my eyes, and see London, Scotland, Georgia, Indiana..all the places i've been

..and I know that I am not supposed to stay in one place..

I think part of the reason Eddie was so perfect for me was because he was

a reminder of everything I wanted, and everywhere I wanted to be..

I understand why he left..I'm just one person..
and people like us are not supposed to have just one person..

..at least not now anyway..

I think my head is seriously bruised..

I want to buy the movie "What dreams may come"

I do in fact think it's time for sleep..

I'll leave you with this..though..

"I want somebody to share the rest of my life
Share my inner most thoughts
and my intimate details"

insane

Not writing makes me go insane..

I am all alone..

everyone who wanted to leave..left..and now I am all alone..

the only person who might understand me is Em, because she tried to leave, but didn't get far enough away, and now she's just as fucked as I am..which is why we make a good pair..I think..

I told Eddie I wanted to see him...which I do..and when he said he didn't have the time, I pretty much told him i'm going crazy..and then he signed off..and I cried..

It's not even really about Eddie..

It's about getting out of here..far far away from here..

I hate it here...I hate everything about here..

Dominic punched me in the face today...

I am trapped...and i'm losing my dreams...

they slip through my fingers more every day..

I just..want to be..anywhere but here..

I want a home...I want a home of my own

Where is my happiness?
How do I find it?

I don't need a shrink...because I know i'm not crazy..

Anyone would agree with me that I live in a shit-hole..

SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!!!!

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE..
oh god...someone help me...

I can't breathe..

and I don't know how to get back to the place where I could..

I need taking care of..because I can't do this by myself anymore..

...someone hold me...or at least knock me out..

I wish this pain would just knock me out..

fuck valentines day

I just thought i'd say it in advance, because i'm probably going to be too depressed to say it on the actual day..

Fuck you Valentine's Day.

I will be trying my hardest not to think of him on that day..and it probably won't work..and he'll probably end up being the only thing I DO think about ..and so..fuck you..in the ass..

...*Sigh*...

Three years went by way to fast...and Time goes by too slow now..