a little about me..

A lot has happened the last few ..weeks..and I finally had the nerve to sit down..and think about it all..I think that if you read this..you'll understand me a little better..and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me..for things that I might have said or done that caused you pain..


When Eddie and I broke up, I was smashed to the ground. All of my plans were ruined, all of my heart was broken. The worst thing that I did during my healing process was pretending to be all right.

I jumped almost seamlessly from Eddie to Melissa and Steve, I wasn't ready for the change, at all, and I started picking out every little thing that wasn't Eddie. I missed Eddie. I thought about him constantly, every second of every day. I tried to hide it, but it didn't work.

The first time I had sex with someone else I was traumatized, I thought that it would help me, I hoped that I would feel better, like I moved on..I didn't. I just felt empty and as though I had lost something.

Brett saw that I was broken, more so then I had ever been before, and he saw the stupidity in my actions. I was attracted to the fact that he saw through my facade, my lies, and the mask that I had put up...he told me that it was ok to cry, it was ok to long or pine or whatever the hell I needed to do..

So I stopped pretending that my life was all right..that I was all right..

I should also put a note in here that at this time I was struggling very heavily with my love for my best friend. Although I was crushed that my plans for Georgia had failed there were certain things I found joy in, like the fact that I wasn't going to be leaving my best friend, it made me happy. I loved her. It wasn't until later that I realized that all she was trying to do was take care of me, in every way that she could, so much so that perhaps she offered up her boyfriend to me so that I wouldn't have to feel so empty...at any rate...I could love her back the way that she loved me, and I was so blinded by the pain of the breakup that I didn't see all of the good things that she was doing for me.

Melissa and Steve were a symbol of a different life, they were a mistake that I had already made, and moved on from. Yes, we had all grown, but to me they still stayed as a symbol of what I thought was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Eddie. What I did to him in the past, the first time I met Melissa and Steve...what I did hurt him more then anything else, and was the worst I have ever hurt another human being.

So I looked for someone, anyone else, I was still so afraid to be alone, but I didn't want to be with two people that reminded me of my worst mistakes. That's when I collided with Mike. His hand felt good on my shoulder, his words made me momentarily forget about my pain..and he looked kind of like Eddie.

I made myself believe that if I hurt this person it wouldn't matter, because he was an artist, he was looking for pain, for writing material..it would be all right..

I have since realized that it was wrong, and apologized. He remains my friend, for reasons a bit unknown. We match, him and I, in a way that seems to make the pain in my life fade but not disappear.

But I still wasn't truly happy. Once again, Brett saw this, and the stupidity in it, and I fell just a little harder for the fact he could see through my wrong turns.

I finally settled on just being alone. I still missed Eddie, and maybe he started to miss me too, even though its more likely that he was just lonely. For whatever reason, we decided to see each other.

I'm still not certain on whether or not this was a mistake. I know that its sent me a little more then over the edge, but I also know that it renewed my faith in men, and helped me to remember my goals in life, and for this reason, I wouldn't take it back. Also the sex was amazing, so there's that too.

When I came home from Georgia, I was so much more broken then I had been before, there was no pretending this time. I really was broken. My insecurity's rose to the surface, my fear of being alone, my loneliness, my home life, my intelligence, my beauty, my friendships, my ability to reason and love and be social...it was all put to the test, and it was all far too much for me to handle.

I freaked...worse then I have ever freaked in my life..there were no tears, just pain..and fear..

At first I put up the mask. "I'm all right, better then you actually." I ended up just coming off as a slut. I talked about sex a lot more then I should have, because I wanted to look confident. The people I loved started to leave, and I couldn't understand why. The last shred of my dignity went into making love to Brett before he left. I wanted to feel beautiful just one more time. I wanted to feel loved, just one more time. I wanted to feel something, anything, else.

Once he left I couldn't pretend anymore. I was like an addict going through a serious withdrawal, from what I don't know..but I started to everything in excess. Smoking, drinking, even pot. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be happy, or numb. When people asked me for help I pushed them away because I wasn't ready to help them, I wasn't even ready to help myself.

I wanted to die.

I went to sleep every single day for a week hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

...that's where I was at last week.

A handful of people that I care about stopped talking to me. Perhaps they were sick of my lies, my mask, or maybe they just had too much going on in their lives. It could be that like with me, before, I am a reminder to them of a bad time in their life. I would understand any of those reasons, but the sad fact is that I don't know the reason...maybe I do, in my heart.

My life is hard, but so is everyone else's.

So what brings us together?

..Hopefully it's the ability to stop and realize that, we are all each other has in this life...friends are hard to come by..

Will my group be kind enough to forgive me? Intelligent enough to realize that I have grown?

........I do not know...

I am ready, finally, after close to seven months, to let the mistakes of my past go...to move forward with my life..

I can't look at pictures of Eddie and I without crying, without seeing all that could have been, and all that will never be..the difference....is that now I can accept that this is the way it is..and will be..

I only have myself..and what I make out of my own life.

...and..that's all I wanted to say..

i'm just a walking my dog

I'm starting to question my sanity..
I feel like i'm acting insane..
I know that I am...

...I'm acting on impulse..because I am so deeply hurt...
...but I think I made a really big step today..
Today I decided that nothing is worth being this hurt over..
...nothing is worth being this fucked up..

So i'm just letting it go..


I have decided that I'm moving
..as soon as possible.

I don't just say it for nothing..I really mean it when I say "I won't be here then..."
I don't plan on being here...

I'm not gonna lie, a certain situation fucked me up, really bad...and I'm about to get it out.
A good friend of mine dropped a load of secrets in my lap one day while I was driving, and it fucked my head up so bad for a really long time..

..it made me think about questions I'd never thought about before..

"What makes a friendship?"
"Under what circumstances do you keep a secret from someone you care about?"
"When is enough, really enough."
"How far do you go for someone you love?"

I think I've answered all of the questions..and I feel a lot more confident about me.
It feels good, in case you're wondering.

Over the past week i've said some fucked up shit..to a lot of people..
I'm not gonna lie...a lot of the time I was stoned..

I feel bad about all of the stuff I said..
I'm only sorry about a handful of things.

I think that once your around a group of people for so long..they start to believe that you can't change..I feel like my friends started to believe that I was incapable of change..because they were all changing so fast..

...I change too..

Uh...I should probably clear some stuff up..
but i'm not gonna...

All I know for sure is the following:

I am confident with myself and where I am going, and no one is going to take that away from me anymore.
I know who a handful of my true friends are, and I intend to spend time with those people.
I am not sorry for the things that I have done, I may question the way that I've done them, but i'm not sorry that they were done.

Things..

I had a really insecure day..it wasn't fun..

I climbed the wall at Dick's..only made it half way to the top..
I know it's because I psyched myself out..and because i'm out of shape..and because I pretty much tried to attack it..

it's okay..but it didn't really help the situation..

I also felt ugly today..like..really ugly...I felt fat..and also like my clothes looked awkward on me..and then I felt awkward..

Which led to me feeling ...incapable with myself and my abilities ..so I put on makeup..but it didn't get any better..

It didn't get better until I called Ed...and cried..and then he talked about how awesome he was and how i'm kinda..awesome too..but not AS awesome..and his ego made me feel better...sorta..

I guess I felt more confident..which was good because then I went out with Sam for coffee..and found out she's probably going to get back together with Brad..I'm happy for her...but it made me sad..because I have no love..

Then I went out with Emily to the hookah bar..and we stayed there until it closed..we were there for like ..4. hours or something outrageous like that..we just talked..about everything..mainly my past...and my childhood and hers and such...and we chilled with Ehab for awhile..which was cool...and we decided on the hookah we're gonna buy for the apartment..which led to a list of things we're gonna buy...which was fun..and reassuring...Emily in general is reassuring..which is why I think I like being around her so much..she pushes me..she's blunt when i'm stupid about things..and I like that..a lot..

I'm excited about my hair...I hope it looks good..I'm gonna get another tattoo and a nose piercing too...rock..

The one thing that's really up my ass right now is that my mother said she's pay my phone bill for me..and then she...didn't..but said she did..so now it's like 100 instead of 50.....i'm really angry...especially because if this mistake means I don't get my 400 dollar security deposit back..i'm going to kill someone...

..anyway..

I'd really like to get this apartment with Emily and Laura Currie...I like them both..and I think it would be the best atmosphere for me to be in right now..we're all three people that are going places but like to party as well...so the apartment would be....colorful..and clean at the same time..and they're girls so I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping with them when I was drunk..which is awesome..

I don't know..just my thoughts..
I got my check today...It made me feel so much better..

Melissa...and I...are pretty much..dead..as far as like..knowing each other is concerned..
I really did like what I saw of TJ...except for the driving of course..I respect her decision..and I'll let her go...it's cool..

...Just that...we aren't going to be as close as we were in the past..because TJ is nothing like me..and I kinda felt like he was pretty judgmental..so ..there's that..

Plus...I'm single...and Lissa's ...not..which is kinda..not good..she doesn't understand where i'm coming from...and I don't understand where she's coming from..

It's in general...not..good...

Don't get me wrong..i'm not saying I don't want to be friends with her..i'm just saying..things are happening..and we're drifting...which has made me realize that this relationship I had with my "best friend" wasn't really what I thought it was...it's more of a friendship of convenience then an actual..respect for the other person's life...I'll always love her..but she's more of a sister then a friend..like..i'll tell my brother Vince things..but not..everything..because I feel like certain things he just wouldn't understand..or would judge me for saying..

Plus..I can't really get over the fact that she bottled everything up from me..and then just unloaded it one day while I was driving..

I understand why she did it...I just..can't get over it...right now..

...so yeah...thats probably what I really came here to write about....and now i'm pretty tired because that was emotional...

I want to be a girl..

I want to create an image for myself..I want a style..I want a look..

I want to feel pretty all the time..
I want people to know who I am by looking at me

I want..to really do all of these things

..I'm getting my hair done on Thursday..

how many more of these types of blogs?

Healthy relationships..that's what i'm into right now.

That's what i'm looking for..
I want to be around people that bring out the best of ..me..

I feel bad for you if you're not on that list of people but you know what?
I'm not sorry.

I'm vain, I'm shallow and i'm selfish..

and if you don't like it fuck you anyway..my life is about ME

One more thing..

There are rules..in our society..I've become aware of this lately..and the unspoken rule of courtesy is that you don't show public displays of affection..it's rude..
and it makes me uncomfortable too..

Thanks.

...

I am constantly reminded of the biggest mistake of my life..

I should just stop trying to fix my life..
Sometimes I think I should just give into it..to this..
this..life..

It's a long shot that he'll take me back..
and it's a long shot that he'll actually fall in love with me..

but they are the only two men I feel anything towards..

I need somebody new..

I need someone to sweep me off my feet

no one reads this anyway

No one reads this anymore anyway...so I might as well pour my heart out..

Eddie I love you...I will always love you..
6 months since you fell out of love with me..and i'm still waiting..

A whole 4 days where we did nothing but talk about how I needed to move on..
and i'm still waiting..

EDDIE- you are the best thing that's ever happened to me..to my life..
You bring me so much good..it makes me speechless sometimes..

Your the only person I want..and I know...I know what I said..I know I said i'd try...and I am..I will..try harder..but in this moment..in this ..tiny little moment..

I would just like to say...that i'm sorry for my mistakes..
I'm sorry I was such a shitty fucking person..
I'm sorry I ruined our relationship..

*starts crying*

I'm sorry I cheated..I'm so sorry..I'm so so sorry..

I would give anything..anything..
I will miss you forever..

I'll miss your smell..your smile..your touch..

I'm crazy..I know I am..
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize what I had..
I'm sorry i'm not perfect..
I'm not good enough, pretty enough..stable enough..for you to love me back..

I want you to be proud of me..
I'm changing my life..

I'm not a cheater anymore..

...never again..

And I REFUSE to surround myself with people who are.

Be proud my love..
and know that I miss you..

God I hope this helps..I hope writing this down helps..

I want it out of my system..

I want to move on..because I dont want to become creepy..

...I guess what i'm saying here is..goodbye..I will always love you...and i'm sorry..for everything I did..

Horny ass hell..

I am horny.

I want some fucking crazy sex.

I want..pain..I want..insanity..

damn.

..

okay..so i'm one day into this..
I'm fucking insane..

When this is all over I am going to cry..so very hard..
I wasn't quite sure what would happen..but I am being used...deliciously used..
and it's by the one person I thought I would hate forever..
..and I can't help it...

He has my heart..he has my heart..
How is this supposed to end?
When I go back to the airport will I be handed my heart back and given a pat on the back and a "thanks for the sex al"

..I dont wan't to talk about this because the more I do the more I am certain it is a grave mistake that I am making, and the more I realize how big of a mistake this is..the more I want to stop doing it.. but I can't..

I've worked so hard to get here..and now...if feels like I haven't gone..anywere

He started it...I wasn't gonna make a move..he made it first...these five words keep repeating over and over again in my head .....dont give him your heart....

..I miss my Eddie.. and with all the shit going on in my fucking life..the thought of just maybe...having someone there..no one wants to be alone..but me especially..me especially right now.. I dont want to be alone! ...I dont want this heartbreak

I dont want this heartbreak....

I can't remember

I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end.

My life is fucked up.

I know this...

I also know that there is one person who's life is far more fucked then mine is..
..she just doesn't know it yet..

I'm worried. Really worried.

She is gonna get her heartbroken or worse...
and there is nothing I can do to help her..
because she doesn't care what I have to say..

..because if she did she'd fucking talk to me.

Everyone keeps telling me to say how I feel..
Okay..

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND.
YOU DONT TALK TO ME.
DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?

..what the fuck is that shit about..

I thought we were one person..remember? REMEMBER? That's what you said.

...Liar.

I love them but..

I love my family to death but...

Right now they are being so incredibily annoying.
I'm really tired..and really worn out from shopping..it's christmas eve..I just want to go home..

I miss talking to Eddie..

I'm really nervous about this trip..

I know what's going to happen..
I'm going to cry

I hate crying..

Okay..i'm a little drunk ..right now..

doctors take the pain away

I went to the doctor today

I feel so much better
..She said everything looks fine

I look fine.

It's the first time i've felt normal in a long time
Like a normal teenage girl

I like that..

I'm not having unprotected sex anymore.
I promise myself.

I will try not to have unprotected sex anymore.

My blood pressure is perfect, I feel good about everything
The stess is melting away
Christmas is coming

..and Eddie hasn't made me feel like shit in two days!!
Because I haven't talked to him.

Yesss..

Maybe it is..just that simple.

There's this one person..that has been making me feel special lately..
but shhh...it's a secret..

My own personal fall out..

Eddie. I'm happy for you, you asshole.
Even though you weren't there for me to back me up with my dreams,
I'm still happy for you.

Even though it was more important to chill with Carla and Ian when I was going to drive myself into oncoming traffic..

I'm still happy for you.

I'm your own personal ego booster..fuck off
I'm still happy for you

You'll be a perfect doctor,
Maybe just a little bad on the bedside manner..
*Gives you the middle finger*

Note to self...

Carla had a good idea, i'm stealing it:

I like hearing my brother's laugh, it makes my day.

Melissa has the coolest siblings i've ever met, ever.

I miss Voodoo, if this trip is terrible, seeing that cat will be worth it.

I will not break out, no, not happening, my face will listen to me.

I can't wait to be done with classes.

Laura is my oldest friend, and i'll always try to respect her.

In nineteen days I will let go of all the personal shit even if it kills me.

I will let the fact that I blew it with the most beautiful women i've ever known go..okay..i'll try to let it go..

I will except the fact that more then one person is going to use my car.

I will not smoke hookah every single day.

I will try my hardest not to become insane when talking to Eddie.

When I forgive someone I will stick to it.

I miss watching Lost.

I will try to watch what I eat, and I will drink more water.

...okay..i'm good for now..

Wrapped up in my security blanket

Did you know I have a security blanket?
Literally. A blanket.

...well I do.

I don't bring it out that often, mostly when i'm depressed.
I've been known to actually take it to school.

High school...i'm doing pretty well with the college classes.

I've got it on right now..i'm pretty sure that means i'm depressed, but I don't really know what's making me sad.

I think it's the Death cab for cutie..

I'm listening to this song "Marching bands of Manhattan"
This song is really beautiful.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,
just like a faucet that drips and there is comfort in the sound.
And whether you think it's half empty or half full,
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown."

I love this song.

I have so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming. I should just do it, but I'm tired..and I don't want too, and that's really the thing, I don't want to.

I just want to be in the car with Brett, at the park, making love quietly while it snows outside.

I just want to be sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, feeling safe, feeling taken care of, feeling isolated from all the real shit in my life.

Real shit, like the fact that when Brett comes out here agian, I'm going to tell him that i'm in love with him, that I want to be with him in whatever way he'll let me.

Real shit like the fact that I have all these finals, and I just want to pass my classes, that's all I want, is just to not loose it at the last minute like I always do.

Real shit. Like my life. My life that I keep hiding from.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be trapped, I just want to be me..
I can't really remember the last time I was me, and not me and someone else.

I know what people think when I say that i'm in love. They think I'm just in love with the idea, of being in love. I never was really good at the whole relationship thing. I know this..and the truth of it is, I don't really want a relationship, not right now..

I'm not over the shitty ass mistakes I made in the last one.

But I want to love someone, with my whole heart. That desire has never left me.

I want it to be Brett. I want it to be him, because it's impossible, because it's not right down the street, because he doesn't want me.

..and I will always want what I think I can't have. I want to be surprised at the fact that I might actually get it, despite all odds. That is the best kind of love, the type you don't think you deserve, but really deep down know you do.

I'm tired of waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment when my life starts. It's a feeling deep in my chest that i'm waiting to be ignited.

"Why do you love me?"
"Because you make me come alive."

You can think that i'm a child if you want, but these are the thoughts of a mature women. I've been around the block, given..I might have had my security blanket over my shoulders...but i've been there, i've been low and i've been high..

and right now..I just want to be something.

Dont look at my legs...

so ..yeah.. I was wondering where this would fit into my life..

when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive but, you see,
it's more productive than if i were to be happy

you might say it's self-destructive but,
you see, i'd kick the bucket sixty times
before i'd kick the habit

i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline i've tried everything

You're (your) only concerned with your hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading
makes me want to give myself a beating....

Yeah..
So..dont look at my fucking legs anytime soon.

What I want..

I'm just gonna drown in the deliciousness of this for a moment:


You tell me where to go
and though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

oh god.

Brett.Makes.Me.So.Happy.

This is not healthy..
BUT I DONT CARE!!!!!

I have tears in my eyes, because for the first time in..such a long time
I'm in love.
I'M IN FUCKING LOVE!!

*screams*

Oh my god. Something was just fixed in my body
I'm crying..i'm fucking crying..haha..this is awesome..

...maybe I ate too much chocolate..
Nope.
It's brett.

...*sigh*

Yesssssssssssssssssss

blow it away in a bubble

Okay..The hate is gone..

I blew it away in a bubble..and now it's gone

I am a selfish person I know this now..
I dont like people touching my things
retired or otherwise

If it was mine..I dont want you putting your fucking (supposedtobelesbian) hands on it.

...so maybe i'm still a little mad..

I'll let it go..in time..

...bitch..

Slut WHAT?

Okay..

I'm definately a slut..
I am.

Not a whore..but a slut..

and you know..I can handle that..

I thought about it a lot..and

What's wrong with that?
I dont believe in God..
So i'm not going to hell for anything..

I want to do the things I do..
So...I'm not angry at myself anymore..

So i'm good with what i've done..
I dont make any promises to any boys.

I'm fuckin single..and as such that means I can
Touch. Kiss. Suck. Fuck. Any boy I choose.

umm...yeah.

I'm okay with that..

Partying my life away

I'm in a good mood.
A very good mood.

I figured out a few things.

I'm a straight A student..
I'm good looking..
I love getting trashed.

I had an awesome night last night..and you know
I forgot about all the SHIT
and when I thought about it today..

It was ...small..

so PARTY! That is the key, my key, to not being so fucking depressed.

I knew I picked this blog for a reason..

Watch me party hard.