Horny ass hell..

I am horny.

I want some fucking crazy sex.

I want..pain..I want..insanity..

damn.

..

okay..so i'm one day into this..
I'm fucking insane..

When this is all over I am going to cry..so very hard..
I wasn't quite sure what would happen..but I am being used...deliciously used..
and it's by the one person I thought I would hate forever..
..and I can't help it...

He has my heart..he has my heart..
How is this supposed to end?
When I go back to the airport will I be handed my heart back and given a pat on the back and a "thanks for the sex al"

..I dont wan't to talk about this because the more I do the more I am certain it is a grave mistake that I am making, and the more I realize how big of a mistake this is..the more I want to stop doing it.. but I can't..

I've worked so hard to get here..and now...if feels like I haven't gone..anywere

He started it...I wasn't gonna make a move..he made it first...these five words keep repeating over and over again in my head .....dont give him your heart....

..I miss my Eddie.. and with all the shit going on in my fucking life..the thought of just maybe...having someone there..no one wants to be alone..but me especially..me especially right now.. I dont want to be alone! ...I dont want this heartbreak

I dont want this heartbreak....

I can't remember

I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end.

My life is fucked up.

I know this...

I also know that there is one person who's life is far more fucked then mine is..
..she just doesn't know it yet..

I'm worried. Really worried.

She is gonna get her heartbroken or worse...
and there is nothing I can do to help her..
because she doesn't care what I have to say..

..because if she did she'd fucking talk to me.

Everyone keeps telling me to say how I feel..
Okay..

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND.
YOU DONT TALK TO ME.
DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?

..what the fuck is that shit about..

I thought we were one person..remember? REMEMBER? That's what you said.

...Liar.

I love them but..

I love my family to death but...

Right now they are being so incredibily annoying.
I'm really tired..and really worn out from shopping..it's christmas eve..I just want to go home..

I miss talking to Eddie..

I'm really nervous about this trip..

I know what's going to happen..
I'm going to cry

I hate crying..

Okay..i'm a little drunk ..right now..

doctors take the pain away

I went to the doctor today

I feel so much better
..She said everything looks fine

I look fine.

It's the first time i've felt normal in a long time
Like a normal teenage girl

I like that..

I'm not having unprotected sex anymore.
I promise myself.

I will try not to have unprotected sex anymore.

My blood pressure is perfect, I feel good about everything
The stess is melting away
Christmas is coming

..and Eddie hasn't made me feel like shit in two days!!
Because I haven't talked to him.

Yesss..

Maybe it is..just that simple.

There's this one person..that has been making me feel special lately..
but shhh...it's a secret..

My own personal fall out..

Eddie. I'm happy for you, you asshole.
Even though you weren't there for me to back me up with my dreams,
I'm still happy for you.

Even though it was more important to chill with Carla and Ian when I was going to drive myself into oncoming traffic..

I'm still happy for you.

I'm your own personal ego booster..fuck off
I'm still happy for you

You'll be a perfect doctor,
Maybe just a little bad on the bedside manner..
*Gives you the middle finger*

Note to self...

Carla had a good idea, i'm stealing it:

I like hearing my brother's laugh, it makes my day.

Melissa has the coolest siblings i've ever met, ever.

I miss Voodoo, if this trip is terrible, seeing that cat will be worth it.

I will not break out, no, not happening, my face will listen to me.

I can't wait to be done with classes.

Laura is my oldest friend, and i'll always try to respect her.

In nineteen days I will let go of all the personal shit even if it kills me.

I will let the fact that I blew it with the most beautiful women i've ever known go..okay..i'll try to let it go..

I will except the fact that more then one person is going to use my car.

I will not smoke hookah every single day.

I will try my hardest not to become insane when talking to Eddie.

When I forgive someone I will stick to it.

I miss watching Lost.

I will try to watch what I eat, and I will drink more water.

...okay..i'm good for now..

Wrapped up in my security blanket

Did you know I have a security blanket?
Literally. A blanket.

...well I do.

I don't bring it out that often, mostly when i'm depressed.
I've been known to actually take it to school.

High school...i'm doing pretty well with the college classes.

I've got it on right now..i'm pretty sure that means i'm depressed, but I don't really know what's making me sad.

I think it's the Death cab for cutie..

I'm listening to this song "Marching bands of Manhattan"
This song is really beautiful.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,
just like a faucet that drips and there is comfort in the sound.
And whether you think it's half empty or half full,
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown."

I love this song.

I have so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming. I should just do it, but I'm tired..and I don't want too, and that's really the thing, I don't want to.

I just want to be in the car with Brett, at the park, making love quietly while it snows outside.

I just want to be sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, feeling safe, feeling taken care of, feeling isolated from all the real shit in my life.

Real shit, like the fact that when Brett comes out here agian, I'm going to tell him that i'm in love with him, that I want to be with him in whatever way he'll let me.

Real shit like the fact that I have all these finals, and I just want to pass my classes, that's all I want, is just to not loose it at the last minute like I always do.

Real shit. Like my life. My life that I keep hiding from.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be trapped, I just want to be me..
I can't really remember the last time I was me, and not me and someone else.

I know what people think when I say that i'm in love. They think I'm just in love with the idea, of being in love. I never was really good at the whole relationship thing. I know this..and the truth of it is, I don't really want a relationship, not right now..

I'm not over the shitty ass mistakes I made in the last one.

But I want to love someone, with my whole heart. That desire has never left me.

I want it to be Brett. I want it to be him, because it's impossible, because it's not right down the street, because he doesn't want me.

..and I will always want what I think I can't have. I want to be surprised at the fact that I might actually get it, despite all odds. That is the best kind of love, the type you don't think you deserve, but really deep down know you do.

I'm tired of waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment when my life starts. It's a feeling deep in my chest that i'm waiting to be ignited.

"Why do you love me?"
"Because you make me come alive."

You can think that i'm a child if you want, but these are the thoughts of a mature women. I've been around the block, given..I might have had my security blanket over my shoulders...but i've been there, i've been low and i've been high..

and right now..I just want to be something.

Dont look at my legs...

so ..yeah.. I was wondering where this would fit into my life..

when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive but, you see,
it's more productive than if i were to be happy

you might say it's self-destructive but,
you see, i'd kick the bucket sixty times
before i'd kick the habit

i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline i've tried everything

You're (your) only concerned with your hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading
makes me want to give myself a beating....

Yeah..
So..dont look at my fucking legs anytime soon.

What I want..

I'm just gonna drown in the deliciousness of this for a moment:


You tell me where to go
and though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

oh god.

Brett.Makes.Me.So.Happy.

This is not healthy..
BUT I DONT CARE!!!!!

I have tears in my eyes, because for the first time in..such a long time
I'm in love.
I'M IN FUCKING LOVE!!

*screams*

Oh my god. Something was just fixed in my body
I'm crying..i'm fucking crying..haha..this is awesome..

...maybe I ate too much chocolate..
Nope.
It's brett.

...*sigh*

Yesssssssssssssssssss

blow it away in a bubble

Okay..The hate is gone..

I blew it away in a bubble..and now it's gone

I am a selfish person I know this now..
I dont like people touching my things
retired or otherwise

If it was mine..I dont want you putting your fucking (supposedtobelesbian) hands on it.

...so maybe i'm still a little mad..

I'll let it go..in time..

...bitch..

Slut WHAT?

Okay..

I'm definately a slut..
I am.

Not a whore..but a slut..

and you know..I can handle that..

I thought about it a lot..and

What's wrong with that?
I dont believe in God..
So i'm not going to hell for anything..

I want to do the things I do..
So...I'm not angry at myself anymore..

So i'm good with what i've done..
I dont make any promises to any boys.

I'm fuckin single..and as such that means I can
Touch. Kiss. Suck. Fuck. Any boy I choose.

umm...yeah.

I'm okay with that..

Partying my life away

I'm in a good mood.
A very good mood.

I figured out a few things.

I'm a straight A student..
I'm good looking..
I love getting trashed.

I had an awesome night last night..and you know
I forgot about all the SHIT
and when I thought about it today..

It was ...small..

so PARTY! That is the key, my key, to not being so fucking depressed.

I knew I picked this blog for a reason..

Watch me party hard.

Truce

What if your like that when I get down there?

Jason?
Where are you? Come get me.

I am incomplete.

I am incomplete.

Just say WE WERE LOVERS..and we'll call it even..

I am the ground zero x-friend you ordered
Disguised as a hero to get past your boarders
I know when I'm wanted, i'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own busniess and speak when i'm spoken to

I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit, and attack when attacked.

..so..this sucks

Well..

I really did it..I booked that ticket..

and it would appear as though i'm going to GA..the 29th through the 2nd..

I'm probably fucking nuts..
I know i'm fucking nuts..

Maybe i'll get closure..although I cant imagine how that would help..

I just want to see my friend..

The worst part about it? I can't tell anyone except Amanda..and as happy as she is..it's not the same..ha...I used to count down on my fingers..

...I dont know..

My head's all cloudy...

I just..want to go back to the beginning..
even if that's impossible..

My mom is actually gonna take me..


Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state i'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tone
That I started looking for a warning sign

The truth is..that I miss you
yeah, the truth is
that I miss you
and i'm tired..

I'm just so tired..

can you

Can I love someone even though I barely know him?

Can I love someone that I hardly ever see?

I don't know..but I can tell you this..

..It seems to be the only thing that works for me..
nothing is stronger then the way I feel when I'm imagining how good it would be
Just to see him..

So i'm pretending..
So what?

So what, if that's enough for me?

I don't care what you think.

Because it makes me happy..
and I don't want real love

...I don't want reality
..not right now..

I want my imagination
I want my fantasy's

I want to dream for a month until I finally make those dreams come true...

and maybe then..I'll let go

But not a minute before...

So let me do this,
Let me be co-dependent

Let me dream...
and don't stop me until I wake up..


"The heart dies a slow death, sheading hope like leaves on a tree, until there are none. She paints her face to hide her face..."

alive

I think if I hand an animal..i'd be a happier person..

..lol...

I've been laughing a lot..

thinking about everything in my life..

and you know..being alive is enough for me..
I'm happy i'm alive..

what the fuck?

So..this is annoying..

I just took my online test for sociology..and couldn't answer one of the questions because there wasn't an answer space for it..

..uh..it knocked my grade down to a C when if should be an A...

I'm annoyed about this..like whoa.

I was thinking..

Shove it up your ass
I am nothing but nice to you..

and all you do is ignore me?

Shove it.
Asshole.

so i'm a bit upset

Time: 5:56pm

So...I feel..icky..

We're really over..
Shit.
Why did I buy birthday presents..

Oh shit.

I don't want to be this girl..

I don't want to be this girl anymore..








*sigh*
I guess this is my giving up song?
You win..babe..




We can split germany right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take berlin and we'll call it even

you call it over and i call you psycho
significant other? just say we were lovers!
And we'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Disgused as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted
I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business
and speak when I'm spoken to

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud, I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked!

And if we should see one another in passing
Aespite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
(there must be some kind of mistake)

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on unamerican

My place may be taken, but make no mistake
I can say without shame That you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding No safe covers
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do