...My life takes talent...

Innocence is never going to happen for me.
...and i've decided that I don't want it anymore...

This marks the beginning of me bathing in the delicious misery that is my life.

The Dark, Naughty, Messy, Unspoken, promiscuous, Painful, Selfishness...

Okay...To be truthful, I've been bathing in it for awhile, but now I'm swimming to the deep end of this pool...

So watch, as I attempt to swim in this water, without drowning.

...All my friends drive a low rider...

The low rider is a little higher.

Time: Noon
Mood: Relaxed

So. I had an awesome time last night. I'm pretty sure I was a little irritating, a little loud, a little horny, a little truthful, a LOT stupid..(I know that's not gramatically correct) ..but I enjoyed myself

My favorite part of the night, and the part i'm going to share with you, because I think it sums up everything is as follows..

I was sitting on the floor, jessica was on the sofa, emily was dancing, and melissa was laughing, when I reached over and pulled off jessica's sock. I laughed about it for the rest of the night. She couldn't find it, and I was pretty sure i'd eaten it- until we folded all the blankets this morning. I thought it was the most clever thing i'd done up until that point in my life.

And that was the night...


So now i'm going to clean up, take a shower, do the show, go to the cast party...and have a good time doing it all.

...If everything could ever feel this real forever..

Promise not to stop when I say when?

I miss you eddie. I miss you and it's starting to hurt. That "head about to explode" feeling is starting and I can't take it.

I love you.

Thank you for taking care of me when you can, and sometimes when you can't.
Thank you for being patient.
Thank you for giving me all your heart, and trusting me not to break it.

...I'm not going to break it.

...and you need this, and I want to give it to you...

...and i thought this time i'd be somewhat true..

Mood: Compliant

I'm nihilistic.
Eat and be eaten.
Manipulate and be Manipulated (and dont get upset if your manipulated).
Fuck and get fucked.

Who cares if I am a slut? Fuck you, you don't know me.

I hate everyone.

I am a horrible human-being and I know it.
And I don't really care.
And that's how I feel right now.

So fuck off.

If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now, There's too many places I haven't seen
And if I stayed here with you, now Things just wouldn't be the same
Well I'm as free as a bird now, And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change. And a bird you can not change.
Lord knows I can't change

Letting those things go..

Maybe it's best to remind myself that he's with me.
I mean..I shouldn't feel -that- threatened.
...because he's -my- boyfriend.

And that says something.


Eddie isn't the type of person to stay with someone that makes him miserable. He would have left by now.

So the fact that he's still here means that he really does WANT to be here.

So i've just got to let those..things..go.
How do I let them go?

...and so it is..

I really...botched things up...I'm so mad at myself.


Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to make any decisions at all, and that life would just carry me everywhere. I hate forgetting the feelings that pushed me to make a choice. I hate being stuck in one place at a time.

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I hate not being able to love two people, three people, four, five, six, seven...I hate that sometimes I love more than the one person I know i'll spend the rest of my life with. I wish I could be surrounded by beauty all the time.

I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes...

I wish I had the freedom to really express myself. I wishI didn't have to feel so alone all the time. I wish someone would say something to me, the way they do in the movies. I wish I knew what was going to happen.

...I'll remember to forget about you...

Mood: Pissy do to the menstrual condition.
Music: Panic, Eisley, Cash, whatever.

Please leave all overcoats, canes, and top-hats with the doorman, from that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed....If everything goes according to plan...then i'm the new cancer, never looked better.... and you can't stand it.



I almost started crying during my English AP exam. I was trying so hard, and I realized how bad I really wanted a good grade, and how little effort I had put into it..and I just...got really upset.

I was pissy today. Really bad. I felt a general loathing for just about everyone. I'm really tired of doing this show every single fucking day.

I'm so tired.

Worried about Brett. He didn't take the AP test and he hasn't called me or answered his phone. ..I'm worried.

I'm having some doubts about Georgia. Some serious doubts. I said that I wouldn't let one person change my mind, and I don't want to, but she's so...not me...and the fact that he hangs around with her worries me. I dont seem to be like..any...of his friends...and I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea. I'm also trying not to make any decisions that will push me towards changing my mind. I know there are things I could do that..wouldn't help this situation.

If I told eddie any of this right now, he'd probably think that I was looking for a reason to break up with him...but It's seriously not that. I'm nervous because i'm realizing that Eddie and I don't have the same lives, or friends.

I'm gonna miss my friends so bad. I already miss jessica, and emily. It hurts in the pit of my stomach..and for that thought alone makes me happy that I live at the theatre.

When I think about leaving Melissa I can't breathe.

I just...have been asking myself a lot...Is it worth it?

Maybe I'm just addicted to the way he makes me feel..Maybe nothing can really be this perfect.

...Maybe i'm not really meant to be happy.

I miss the way Brett smells. That was random.

I'm gonna take a shower...probably cry a bit..and them sleep..

.....oh...I know this is stupid, but I really wish someone could just take me away..Like the way a good song does when you turn it up so far that you can feel it in your chest, and nothing else in the world exsists but you...and the song...

Nervousness..

I miss my boyfriend.
Everytime I see a jeep.
Everytime I see his shirt in my closet.
When I take a shower.
Hear his voice.
See his picture.
Think about him.

I miss my boyfriend.

I remember everything. The way he toches me. The look in his eyes when he's looking at my face. His arm and hands and..

I'm being sappy....sorry..

Sausage Egg Mcmuffin..

Why does my family call them sausage egg mcmuffins when we get them from Burger King?
I don't feel as tired as I have. I'm sure tech isn't going to make it any easier for me.

Eddie and I ..are nervous. *Smiles*


God damn periods.

Brett tore up the script. Then he put it back together.

I just got this image of Eddie and I riding somewhere in his hunter green jensen. Yes. As soon as he finishes it.
Those feelings, of unattractiveness, and icky-blahness...are fading away, because my boyfriend is fucking awesome at making me feel better, when he tries, and he does try.

He's going to have a good last week. I am going to be considerate.

...My addictive personality..sucks.

So..
I'm exhausted.

I was thinking..about how I'm working so much..for eddie and myself..

...I hope he appreciates me.

...Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door...

I'm pissed.

"I'm just a girl, just a person, just a human-being trying to live. I think it's ridiculous when people try to make my life harder than it already is, and I try my hardest not to make anyone else's life harder than theirs already is."

..Ridiculous was the perfect word.


I have to work tomorrow, to pay for the plane ticket that will take me to the man who is currently taking care of his two -very- drunk bestfriends. What a good guy.

Almost one am..

...God bless the daylight, and the sugary smell of spring-time...

When every thursday
I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.

You hold me closer than anyone will ever get.

The tulips have bloomed. They're everywhere. Nothing but tulips, everywhere. I love them.

Sometimes i'm stupid. Sometimes I'm wasteful. Sometimes i'm ingnorant and stubborn and selfish and sometimes i'm a lot of things. Please remember that that's why you love me.

Our script, is becoming Brett's script.
Brett is becoming nothing more than..Brett...my best friend..in an acquantience type of way..

I don't know where i'm going, and at the same time I know exactly where i'm going.
College theatre wouldn't put up with my bullshit.
I'm so thankful for Chris. I'm not sorry I pushed my way to Assistant Stage Manager. No one else was willing to fight me for it, is that my fault?

I don't have school tomorrow.

...Over all i'm happy....i'm content...i'm ...okay.

Just in time for my period, which should be here anyday now..

...You own the place, where all my thoughts go hideing...

Because of you, I'm running out of reasons to cry.

Feelings fade away..I've fallen in and out of love with a lot of people in a short time. One feeling has stayed though, the one I have for you. Your my boyfriend. Your my boyfriend. Your -my- boyfriend.

I love you, and I can hardly wait. For May, For June, and finally, For August.

...God I can't wait for August.

I love you.

Someone sedate me.

*breathes heavy* (No, i'm seriously breathing heavy)

I can't stop. I have way to many freaking friends, I don't know where they all came from.

Where did you all come from?
So i'm pretty much just enjoying my life right now.

Excuse me I gotta go enjoy it.

I just wish there was more time in my day for sleep

...Please don't make me cry...

Oh you humor me today,calling me out to play...
Please don't make me cry, Please don't make me cry.
I'm just like you, I know you know, I'm just like you....
....So leave me alone....

Why do I want what I can't have?

...Well that's easy. Because I can't have it.

"I love him."
"Eddie. You love Eddie. Eddie."
"....yes."
"Good, that's what I thought you meant."
"...."
"I love you too.."

Freeze Frame.

So you guys probably noticed the "story-like" memory I wrote about the first night Eddie and I spent at his new house..

I have these memories that are perfectly clear in my mind, and so..i'm writing them down..for myself..so whenever you see a blog entitled "freeze frame" there you go..it'll be something like that.

So..without further ado..(because I know your all DYING to know what the inside of my brain looks like)


A crowded room outside of a theatre. The girl stands next to who she thinks is her closest friend, talking about things that had happened earlier that day. Someone over hears a word in their conversation. “Witchcraft”. A new conversation is started, people are introduced, glances are exchanged. A new girl, with long blonde hair, and blue eyes joins the conversation. The room is quickly becoming more and more crowded. The smell of coffee from a thermos in the corner of the room drifts about, and the cold wind from the Chicago streets outside floods in whenever someone new enters. The blonde-haired girl is being examined, interviewed, perhaps even studied by the other two. The moment in time will be quickly forgotten as soon as the theatre doors are opened, but it will forever mark the moment in time where I met who I would later call, the best friend I have ever known.

...My heart's a battle ground...

...and you hold your ground better than anyone else.

It's right that I should be working on Easter.
I'd rather work.

On tuesday I can buy Brett cigarette's. I might have one myself, just because.
I might have one today..i've been stressed out lately.

Why do people make the world so much harder than it already is..I dislike those people. That's all I have to say about that.

Theres no beanie baby pug....

This has been kinda random..*shrug* oh well.

...single frames forever frozen in the 3d Imax of my mind...

Its night, the darkness is laid over the area softly as if it were a blanket. The air is cool, with just a hint of crisp, and it’s clear like you’ve never imagined. There is no presence of smoke or chemicals, just grass and sky and, night.A girl walks quietly with her bag to the door of the house; she glances upwards but keeps walking. If she were to stop she would be frozen, staring wide-eyed at the amazing stars above her. She climbs the stairs and enters the house. It’s dark, soft, quiet, and new. A hand holds hers in the darkness and leads her to a room. The bags are put down and the light is turned on. The room is warm. The bed in the corner is familiar, and the girl walks over to it and sits down. Immediately she feels comfortable, safe and happy. Although she is in a room she’s never seen, she is home. She looks around at the room, and tries her hardest to take it all in, the paint, the chair, the closet, the bathroom- he’s looking at her. Nervous. She looks away. The light is turned off and she’s lying on the bed. His arms embrace her and she is overcome with emotion that expresses itself in a slight tremble that can be felt by the man on top of her. The tremble slowly fades away as he continues to hold her. He runs his hands down her arms, and then he kisses her. The emotion rises, becomes unbearable, and a drop quietly falls from her eye in the darkness, followed by a slow stream of tears.
A content-ness you could never imagine. A love you have never felt. A moment I had waited for, for months. I cried in that darkness, silently. You never knew. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. No one makes me feel the way you do. I have never felt as fully loved as I did in those moments.

A random thought

...I'm living in a world surrounded by lines..and i'm crossing a lot...i'm standing on a lot...i'm..surrounded by ...lines..

and i'm not sure if I'm worried about what's on the other side..

...I'm tired..

I feel like i'm living my life in 5 min incraments..everytime my alarm clock went off this morning a different thought passed through my head..

I wish he would remember that I have the same fears about comming there that he does. I wish I could share my fears and worries and everything with him..but I can wait..

Waiting will probably do me good anyway..

...I just wish I didn't feel like he ..wasn't my boyfriend.

Because I miss my boyfriend.