My personal trainer mentioned today that I am the type of person who tends to let things build up to a boiling point. I could not help thinking about how dead right that statement is for me. I've been over eating since I got back from New Orleans.

New Orleans...this trip that was supposed to mark a changed Alexandria, a more self actualized me...turned out to be a bust in every way. I did not make my flight, illustrating that I'm not a person of punctuality. I made a decision to invite a friend without thinking about what that would entail. I cried instead of taking a deep breath and attempting to solve the problem rationally.

In truth I am no where near the finished product I view in my head as a completed "me" and New Orleans was a rude awakening to that fact.

Since getting back I've felt down, and I have been struggling to pick myself back up. I'm depressed, more than I have ever been before. It has nothing to do with the world around me, and everything to do with how disappointed I consistently am with the actions I choose within my world. I do not make myself proud.

I cry myself to sleep a lot. Okay- all the time, especially if Mike's not there with me. It does not seem to matter how hard I try during the day. No matter how many smiles I force or how much energy I build up, at the end of the day when I lay my head on that pillow at night, I don't like the person I am, and my stomach sinks with the thought of having to wake up and do it all over again.

Sometimes I wish I could live in the blackness.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I feel this slow creeping numbness, and it scares me. I push against it, more and more drastically because I want to feel something, but if I don't back off and slow down..if I don't stop, someone is going to get hurt.


I know in my heart that the best way to regain feeling, and emotion is to break from every stimulus and then slowly reintegrate everything.

You don't touch me for days, but when you finally rest your hand on the back of my neck, or slide your fingers under my shirt to undress me, I'm on fire. No one does that to my body the way you do. No one knows how to make me blush inside.


I want to find a way to make more time. I want to watch you sleep in peace, with out the hanging fear that you'll have to wake at any minute. I want you to feel clean, relaxed and at peace. I want to do anything and everything in my power to make you comfortable.

I complained, and you tried harder. I told you what I wanted, and you kept yourself up longer to give it to me. I don't know what I did to deserve your undying devotion, but I'm thankful for it. It brings me to my knees when you're not looking. Let me give it back to you. Tell me all your undisclosed desires. Let me make it right.

Thought I would take some time to write a real blog.

My dad is supposed to be here in chicago all week. I called him yesterday, but he still hasn't called. How hard is it to call? Even if it's just to say he's too busy to do something.

The whole thing pisses me off because I know he'll play the "you never called me" card.

I still need to make an appointment at Loyola. I'm gearing myself up for that.

I was thinking of putting together a small Salon at my house with 10 or so people and some drinks and food. Just an evening to talk with each other, maybe pass around a bowl of ice breaker questions. Could be fun to have some people together at least once this winter. Lady A used to throw these types of parties, and I find myself missing them greatly. Bars are okay, but nothing like having the quiet relaxed atmosphere of a living room with candles lit and good conversation.

I feel a lot like the song "Firework" by Katy Perry at this point in my life.

Make me feel like I'm only girl in the world.

Take me to France.

Take me...somewhere.

I sat down to write this blog, and I wasn't quite sure what to talk about. I rattled on to myself about relationships and problems and things I want to vent out, but in the end I thought to myself, "ambition". I don't want to continually wallow in the problems. They're there, and probably always will be, and sure maybe they're worse then ever, but I don't want to concentrate on that.

I want to think about where I want to go.

New Orleans didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, because I haven't been turning out the way I'd hoped.

Become more sociable, that's a goal of mine for sure.

Become and maintain an active lifestyle is another.

The big one, the one I am most afraid of falling through, is to finish school.

I have a dream for myself, and for my life, and I believe in that dream very strongly, but I haven't seen myself move toward that dream in a long time. I used to be this bull headed creature who plowed towards what I wanted with strength and confidence, I'm much more like the ram now, with the same momentum but no direction. I'm hitting walls left and right because I don't have the foresight to aim for the door and break out of the room.

I'd like more focus, and more stability....well, perhaps I have enough stability, and what I really need it to just believe it exists.

Faith in those around me, and trust in the world.

I'd like to visit the Baha'i temple sometime soon, and eat more Indian Food. I really like Indian food.

That's a wrap for now, I'd like to end it on a good note.

I feel like everything happens for a reason.

I don't normally feel like that.

This warp speed thing is happening...I feel like we're traveling in slipstream..or the moment before..where your body is being propelled forward so fast that it appears slow.

..I don't know what's going to happen...and I feel a little bit like i'm losing control of it..

...Do you want to be with other woman?

I know I fucking suck as a girlfriend...but please don't cheat on me...I really do love you more than life itself.

....I wish you could believe me.

I wish I could look into your heart and know for sure if you love me, or if you're just playing me until you find that perfect girl...

...I can be your perfect girl...Please Please Please give me that chance...one more time..

I won't screw it up this time around.

You are worth it.
You are the best man.
I lovedjew.

....I really wouldn't have come back if I didn't..

What happened to my saturday?

I woke up feeling like everything that happened yesterday...all the drama I perpetuated was so stupid and idiotic.

I don't know why I do the things I do...bottom line is that I love Mike..

...I'm sorry to say that I think it all happened because I was bored.

Okay...hard and true fact....I am a bitch. A Bitch.

I looked around at my life...and although I like so many aspects of what I see...it can not be denied that the way I function in my environment is quite selfish. I undermine people..I fuck them over, use them abuse them..

I did lead Steve on...why? Because it was Hot.

But nothing is hotter then where the night ended up going...nothing is hotter then ending up with the man I love and lust for..

I ...want to control myself..but I'm so young...I also want to let myself free. It's a weird situation that needs a comfortable medium.

Dancing would help.
Dancing and Drinking, and having fun...outside...with others.

Nightmares and Dreamscrapes

I feel like this is all fleeting.

I'm driving myself crazy over Joe. I didn't want to say it out loud...I don't know if I can say it out loud. I'm going crazy. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he okay? ...even as I'm writing it I realize that it's nonsense. Who cares? What does it matter? What would it do for me?

Nothing...this is so stupid..

Maybe the real problem is that my boyfriend doesn't trust me for shit. I feel like I have no trust no freedom, and that he's going to leave me at any second.

I know I deserve this....I deserve this...I deserve this..

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be a good person.
Most of the time I feel like everyone in my family hates or could care less about me.

Mike is the only family I have. Why am I constantly threatening that?

Would therapy help?
Maybe I should get some religion.
Some serious religion..

haha..

I am so scared that I am going to fuck up my life beyond repair..I'm scared that Mike will stop loving me.

..I don't think I could cope with either of those things.

Lately everyday is exactly the same

I'm getting that thing where I start to dislike the routine of my life. Not my life per-say, but the way that everything is exactly the same everyday...nothing ever changes.

Halloween is coming up, I'm hoping for a break from the routine...it looks like Mike and I might be heading over to Iowa, to see Riebana and Jon...I really really really hope that plays out, because I miss them, and I really need a break...and a road trip :)

Not that my car would make it...urgh...the battery is acting funny...sometimes my car doesn't want to start...hopefully it just needs to acclimate to the cold weather.

My mind is still that battleground..in case you're wondering. Only I've upgraded my weapons and shit...i'm trying to take on the nightmares head on...

On another note, I'm totally addicted to Twilight, the New Moon book in particular. Jennifer should read it. Because she'd love it.

...Nov 20th...

How do you speak freely when you know someone is listening?

Mike thinks that it's weird for me to keep these things. He says that I should burn them, throw them out, lock them up in a box and put them away..something..

Alex and I burned a few things, and it made me feel better, but it hasn't stopped the nightmares. I wrote a letter, and lit it on fire over sage..

I felt better..for awhile.

To me the idea of throwing these things out is useless..I mean..they are perfectly good things, useful, entertaining...why should I just throw them away?

I can't remember the name of his car..the G6...I think it was something like fiona..or falinia...something.

I worry that he is going to walk up to my front door one day, and demand something from me...or point a gun at me and pull the trigger.

I know that I probably don't need to be paranoid like that..but I am...I have this fear that he might try to kill me...out of some blame that I ruined his life, his marriage...something..


To hear him on the phone that way...talking about needing a priest...it really freaked me out. I don't put a lot of stock into religion..and to hear someone putting every once of faith into religion like that...was really fucking weird. It was the first step in realizing that I didn't truly know this person.


I know that him and I are probably much more alike then I want to admit. If life is as forgiving as I think it is, he's probably thinking the same things about me...probably just happy to be left in tact...probably feeling like the victim of someone's terrible game..

..that's how I feel...

Like I was lucky to get out with my life in tact...my sanity in tact..

Like I'm even more blessed and lucky to still have my friends, my family, and my lover.

I hope that he is happy. He's probably working his ass off...as far as I could tell, he was in quite a lot of debt...that has to suck. I decided not to go after the 500 dollars he owes my mother...I wouldn't get anything, and it wouldn't be worth it anyway. You're Welcome.

...I just want the nightmares to stop...but i'll settle for them to just be less lucid. If I could wake up and know where I am right away, that would be amazing. I don't want to get up and look at the floor to see if it's hardwood or hospital tile...I want to just trust that it's the fluffy carpet of our bedroom.


Sometimes I really do feel like I'm being haunted. My thoughts feel like they've been put there...inserted into my brain so that I have no control over what I think and when I think it.

..and to know that it's happening to Mike to...that hurts so bad...I can't begin to tell you what it does to me to see him upset and know that i'm the cause of it..

I just want to push forward..

The Glide, a rock concert experience

I just got back from this rock concert that i've been waiting for for like a month, and I was so incredibly pleased. I took my cousin, and I think that she really enjoyed it as well..as luck would have it, I totally forgot my camera. It's funny to me, that sometimes not having the camera makes the experience so much more memorable to you. I remember the way that the place looked and smelt way more then I would if I had been behind that lens the whole time.

Mike and I danced. We haven't danced in a very long time. Jennifer said that we looked adorable, and that made me feel really good.

You know what else made me feel really good? The fact that I was out on a saturday night, with my boyfriend and one of my best friends, at a kick ass show in the middle of chicago.

Living life.

Hello you beautiful, unused dusty blog you!

I'm so sorry that you've been neglected and left all alone. I'm here now.

I'm going to be uploading some of my art soon. I'm taking a drawing class. This is my last semester before moving on to..you know, a REAL college. Not that I'm not liking community college, I am, I've really found a home there.

Boyfriends Bread winners and starting wives.

I've been thinking on my best friend lately. I didn't really realize how much i'm thinking about her until I didn't need to do it anymore. I worry about her all the time, about her happiness, her sanity, and just...her overall well being I guess. I love my Samantha very much..and this past month or two has been a couple hard ones. I can't believe that James would just walk out of her life without blinking an eye.




The worst is that I feel like I could have..should have..done more. I saw the warning signs. He came to me a couple times and told me how frustrated he was..and looking back on it all I shouldn't have tried to talk him down myself, I shouldn't have agreed with him so much, I should have just confronted Samantha about it, but I was angry and upset and scared for her..and I didn't think about what could happen.




I think that everything we go through in life leads us down a road that we are either ultimately happy with, or not. It's so interesting to me that you could look back at times and say to youself "I'm happy for all the shitty things that happened to me, because they brought me to you." But..other times you look back and you're just depressed about where you are now. Is that a paradox? Why are we so accepting of the bad things when were at a happy time and place in our lives? Why doesn't my life work like that? It never really matters where I am or what i'm doing, I always long to return to the points of my life that happened before. I feel as though if I could rewind my life back to a point and live it up to the present again, the exact same way I would take that as soon as I could, because getting here was half the fun. Maybe I was just lucky in life. I love all of the people that i've met so far. I love all the men, all the women, all the elders and vampires, and teachers and books and movies and sports. I would love to do it all again.


Why is that?




I would do anything for Samantha, and i'm really proud of myself for not ranting about this earlier, because I knew that would have ultimately shown that I truely wasn't okay with what was happening, but now that it's all wrapped up I feel safe to talk about my past emotions during the situation...How could she even consider dating Steve? I thought there was some kind of law that you don't date your best friend's ex boyfriend? Are there limits to that law? Is it that there has to be an offical title of -boyfriend- on it? How would she have felt if I wanted to date her Cesar? I just...I don't know how I feel about the whole thing that happened. I think that I forgive her, I think that she must have really been very lonely to have thought about it..I hope that she was anyway. I hope in my heart that she wouldn't backstab me like that..I mean..there were nights where I had to tell myself that there are worse things that could happen then her sleeping with steve......her sleeping with Brett. I couldn't handle that..at all. I think I would have seriously flipped a lid if it had been Brett in Steves place. Which I guess is a good sign. It means that Steve doesn't really mean anything to me other then the past memories I have of him in my mind, and I know now that people change..The people I still know from highschool are very different people now. Steve just changed from who is more quickly then the other people I know..





I know that it probably came out as one big rant on the subject..but in the end, if they really had hit it off and fallen in love with each other, I would have sucked it up , not without some seriously crying and soul searching, but in the end, I think I would have been okay.

Does that count as Karma hitting me in the ass? Is the Karma just back building? Was there a crisis averted? Will my boyfriend break up with me tomorrow for the sake of balance?



I guess we'll have to wait and see..




Cosmetology school blows so much ass. I will cry seriously happy tears when it's all over. This is what prison feels like. I want to put out there into the universe...please universe..if there is a single human being like me in the world, please send them to cosmetology school and please send them to MY cosmetology school to help push me through the rest of my hell.

Thinking about my wedding..

My cousin Anthony was married today, to a beautiful, wonderful woman that I adore..and everyone was there to see it..all of my 2nd cousins..my great aunts and uncles, my mom and so many others..and if had me thinking..I wonder if all of those same people will be at my wedding..I wonder if they'll laugh and celebreate and be happy for me..I wonder if i'll get money and gifts and be lavished...I'm sure I will..I just..I wonder if it will be in the same ways as anthony..I wonder if the same people who love him will love me as much.. I wonder a million things..will my cousins from cali actually care enough to make the trip out there? Will my father make it awkward..

..I know that no matter how small my turn out is, I will be happy..because I get to spend that one day with mike, if no one else..and I guess that's how I know he's the right one for me..if I get to spend the day with him, it was a good day..period..doesn't matter what happens...


I just..want it to be perfect.

Near Death Experiences..

I feel like something inside of me has changed incredibily..A real car accident..accident..the fact that it was an accident doesn't change anything..it doesn't take the bruises away, it doesn't take away the fact that I could have been killed, or worse..could have killed someone..

..This is the closest i've ever come to death, and the worst part about it is that yesterday I was sitting in Samantha's living room with Anna and Mike talking about what people think in their moment's before death..

..From what I know now..they probably don't think much of anything, unless they can distinguish that they're dying, which I could barely do..I guess if you're able to realize that in the next few moments, it's probably going to be over for you, then you have time to think..but for me..it was like a split second where I knew that I was going to die, and then all of a sudden, I was thinking about how much the airbag hurt..

I think that I'm finding out a lot about who cares for me and who doesn't. The way that people reacted really put a lot in prespective for me..like for example..Brett was completely stunned, and wouldn't stop staring at me..a normal reaction I think...but..Sam...Sam called Mike and asked if he wanted to go for coffee while they waited for me to finish things up with the police..

...Whoa....I'm still not really sure how i'm feeling about that..I..need time..

I've been seriously thinking..about how I want to run, and work out a lot more..I want to be able to seriously work with my body, and feel the kind of pain that feels good after, because you know that it's helped make you better..because this kind of pain sucks..The kind of pain where you're hurt..and healing..

It's really weird..watching Will and Grace right now, eating dinner with my family, ice cream..I think that on some level..I'm about to re experience everything in my life..through eyes that have seen how quickly death can take those experiences away..

...I'm going to pray for myself, that I make it through this night, this week and for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die...I want children, I want marriage, I want..everything..

..I hope that I have time.

What? I'm still alive? No shit.

What do you do when you reach that point where you stop caring if you're alive or dead? When they're both the same thing to you?

Dangerous situations stop mattering..

..I could get hurt..
..I don't care.

To you..

I wish I could find someone who understood my fetish and worked with me so that I didn't have to be alone..

..because I feel so alone..in my life..

It's safe here..

I wish I had the guts to tell you everything i'm really thinking..

I wish I could give you an ultimatum..

I wish I had the guts to just leave you, knowing you'd come back..


But the truth?

Ultimatums are tools for people who think they have it in the bag..

...and you are anything but in my bag..

I'm too afraid to tell you that I want all or none of you..because you might leave..and if you leave


i'll fall apart..because the only thing I really want is to be able to love you..


My happiness lies in your hands..and if it were up to me..you'd let me be with you..


I wanted to tell you tonight..when you said you were lonely..

...That this is your fault. You did this to us. You and I were seconds away from being a real

team, and having what we worked so hard for, for three years. You split us up, and now we're

both alone, and missing something. So don't tell me you're lonely, because the truth of the

matter is that you're just upset you don't have someone in you're life.



I on the other hand, have to live everyday knowing that you were the one person I loved, and

you don't want me anymore.



So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every

day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every

day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now,

40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can

do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

My life..

Our heat's broken..how the fuck does that happen?

I'm freezing my god damn ass off..

What is happening to my life?

I want to get an apartment with Sam, but at the same time I really don't because then i'll be stuck here..and I don't want to be stuck here..ever..

I wanna leave, I wanna just go..I've only been back for a week and i'm already losing it..

This is not the kind of life I want..

..I think I might actually kill myself..

eddie

So I've realized that i'm not over you

and that there's nothing I can do about it..

..and now I dont know what to do about the fact that you don't want me

..how could you just..not want me..

I've thought and thought inside and out..about myself..as a person..

...and I think i'm pretty awesome..

I'm not the most attractive person in the world..but.

..neither are you..

I thought we were a good pair...

I just miss you very...very much..

I wanna see you so bad..I would give anything..

..anything..

I miss you..

...I wish you missed me..

We're human beings..we don't have that much time..and when it's up..we're just going to look

back..I don't want to regret..

I know I love you..so much..and I just don't want to be forced into saying goodbye to someone..

I feel this way about..

You would probably say i'm young..i'll find someone else..

but the truth is..I don't WANT someone else..because no one makes me feel the way you do..

..there's so much I can't do anything about..do many things I won't be able to change your mind about..

...and it hurts..it's the worst pain I know

..To know that i'll never have..you..again..hurts ..because you were so amazing

..I miss your hands on my body..and the way it felt when I would lay on top of you..I miss your

family..I miss your land..feeling like I could talk to you about anything in the world

Do you miss me at all?
Do you think of me..at all?

What about us..about the good?

If you do..why don't you tell me that..ever?...I want to hear it..

I miss your bed in the dark..I miss how good it felt not to be in my own

...but none of this matters to you..and you probably didn't even make it this far..

jesus fucking christ

I hate my nose screw.

It's like..what could have possibly made my day worse? What could possibly make it worse for

me before my vacation? MY FUCKING NOSE SCREW FELL OUT!!

Jesus Christ, I'm so frustrated..

I've been talking to myself for like an hour...

trying to pump myself up

"you wanna be a doctor, you can do this"

"it's just a nose screw"

"You rock Al, YOU ROCK, you can do this!!"

...I can't do this..i've been screwing a million different ways and it's not going in GAHHHHHH

So I finally grabbed a regular earring like ..one you put in your ear..and I jammed it in there

Fuck this shit, i'm going to bed..

..my nose is so red..and raw..

Fuck screws..I want my ring NOW.

Did you ever feel..

5:04am

I decided that i'm not going to forsake this blog anymore..

Myspace is all well and good, but this is my journal..this is where I can be me..
The people who really love me will be good enough to know the link here..

Today was a terrible day..
I cried myself to sleep last night, and woke up with crusty stuff on my eyes,

I hate that.

I had the most stupid lab of my life, the freakin' cheek cell lab that i've done at least a 100 times..

I shouldn't have even gone, it so wasn't worth it..

Things got a little better when Mike (big mike) and I went out to eat

and then things fell hard, really hard..when my card didn't work..
What the fuck?

That's the third time in a month..

You need to understand something about my past first;

I come from a family where sometimes we just wouldn't have cash..

We'd buy a weeks worth of Grocery's and get to the cashier to find out

that our check didn't work..and we'd have to leave everything..right there..

So in conclusion..I have issues with my card not working..because it makes me feel poor
Like I should be apologizing..

Right now..at this second..I have over 200 in my account..so why?
Why didn't it work?

Why did I have to be embarrassed in front of a man I like?

I didn't smoke though,

So if nothing else, it proved that I can be strong..

My face really hurts

Mike and I sat there for 3 and 1/2 hours playing Gin, talking, and making

lists of final fantasy characters..and you know..he reminds me of home..

I like this new layout, and I think i'll keep it for awhile..wanna hear a story?


okay..

So when I went to see Eddie, we got to spend three days at his house..all alone..
and there were times when I got to just sit outside, in the middle of the

winter..and it wasn't cold, it was just perfect, and I got to look out on his

land..and how beautiful it was..and I could close my eyes..and just ..be...

It actually took my head awhile to stop spinning, but eventually, I could

close my eyes and just let myself meditate, and then opening my eyes on that amazing land with those amazing stars..

..I realize now that I wouldn't live any other way..
I can't wait until my trip to U of I
..Tomorrow..
I can't wait..

I close my eyes, and see London, Scotland, Georgia, Indiana..all the places i've been

..and I know that I am not supposed to stay in one place..

I think part of the reason Eddie was so perfect for me was because he was

a reminder of everything I wanted, and everywhere I wanted to be..

I understand why he left..I'm just one person..
and people like us are not supposed to have just one person..

..at least not now anyway..

I think my head is seriously bruised..

I want to buy the movie "What dreams may come"

I do in fact think it's time for sleep..

I'll leave you with this..though..

"I want somebody to share the rest of my life
Share my inner most thoughts
and my intimate details"

insane

Not writing makes me go insane..

I am all alone..

everyone who wanted to leave..left..and now I am all alone..

the only person who might understand me is Em, because she tried to leave, but didn't get far enough away, and now she's just as fucked as I am..which is why we make a good pair..I think..

I told Eddie I wanted to see him...which I do..and when he said he didn't have the time, I pretty much told him i'm going crazy..and then he signed off..and I cried..

It's not even really about Eddie..

It's about getting out of here..far far away from here..

I hate it here...I hate everything about here..

Dominic punched me in the face today...

I am trapped...and i'm losing my dreams...

they slip through my fingers more every day..

I just..want to be..anywhere but here..

I want a home...I want a home of my own

Where is my happiness?
How do I find it?

I don't need a shrink...because I know i'm not crazy..

Anyone would agree with me that I live in a shit-hole..

SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!!!!

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE..
oh god...someone help me...

I can't breathe..

and I don't know how to get back to the place where I could..

I need taking care of..because I can't do this by myself anymore..

...someone hold me...or at least knock me out..

I wish this pain would just knock me out..

fuck valentines day

I just thought i'd say it in advance, because i'm probably going to be too depressed to say it on the actual day..

Fuck you Valentine's Day.

I will be trying my hardest not to think of him on that day..and it probably won't work..and he'll probably end up being the only thing I DO think about ..and so..fuck you..in the ass..

...*Sigh*...

Three years went by way to fast...and Time goes by too slow now..

a little about me..

A lot has happened the last few ..weeks..and I finally had the nerve to sit down..and think about it all..I think that if you read this..you'll understand me a little better..and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me..for things that I might have said or done that caused you pain..


When Eddie and I broke up, I was smashed to the ground. All of my plans were ruined, all of my heart was broken. The worst thing that I did during my healing process was pretending to be all right.

I jumped almost seamlessly from Eddie to Melissa and Steve, I wasn't ready for the change, at all, and I started picking out every little thing that wasn't Eddie. I missed Eddie. I thought about him constantly, every second of every day. I tried to hide it, but it didn't work.

The first time I had sex with someone else I was traumatized, I thought that it would help me, I hoped that I would feel better, like I moved on..I didn't. I just felt empty and as though I had lost something.

Brett saw that I was broken, more so then I had ever been before, and he saw the stupidity in my actions. I was attracted to the fact that he saw through my facade, my lies, and the mask that I had put up...he told me that it was ok to cry, it was ok to long or pine or whatever the hell I needed to do..

So I stopped pretending that my life was all right..that I was all right..

I should also put a note in here that at this time I was struggling very heavily with my love for my best friend. Although I was crushed that my plans for Georgia had failed there were certain things I found joy in, like the fact that I wasn't going to be leaving my best friend, it made me happy. I loved her. It wasn't until later that I realized that all she was trying to do was take care of me, in every way that she could, so much so that perhaps she offered up her boyfriend to me so that I wouldn't have to feel so empty...at any rate...I could love her back the way that she loved me, and I was so blinded by the pain of the breakup that I didn't see all of the good things that she was doing for me.

Melissa and Steve were a symbol of a different life, they were a mistake that I had already made, and moved on from. Yes, we had all grown, but to me they still stayed as a symbol of what I thought was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Eddie. What I did to him in the past, the first time I met Melissa and Steve...what I did hurt him more then anything else, and was the worst I have ever hurt another human being.

So I looked for someone, anyone else, I was still so afraid to be alone, but I didn't want to be with two people that reminded me of my worst mistakes. That's when I collided with Mike. His hand felt good on my shoulder, his words made me momentarily forget about my pain..and he looked kind of like Eddie.

I made myself believe that if I hurt this person it wouldn't matter, because he was an artist, he was looking for pain, for writing material..it would be all right..

I have since realized that it was wrong, and apologized. He remains my friend, for reasons a bit unknown. We match, him and I, in a way that seems to make the pain in my life fade but not disappear.

But I still wasn't truly happy. Once again, Brett saw this, and the stupidity in it, and I fell just a little harder for the fact he could see through my wrong turns.

I finally settled on just being alone. I still missed Eddie, and maybe he started to miss me too, even though its more likely that he was just lonely. For whatever reason, we decided to see each other.

I'm still not certain on whether or not this was a mistake. I know that its sent me a little more then over the edge, but I also know that it renewed my faith in men, and helped me to remember my goals in life, and for this reason, I wouldn't take it back. Also the sex was amazing, so there's that too.

When I came home from Georgia, I was so much more broken then I had been before, there was no pretending this time. I really was broken. My insecurity's rose to the surface, my fear of being alone, my loneliness, my home life, my intelligence, my beauty, my friendships, my ability to reason and love and be social...it was all put to the test, and it was all far too much for me to handle.

I freaked...worse then I have ever freaked in my life..there were no tears, just pain..and fear..

At first I put up the mask. "I'm all right, better then you actually." I ended up just coming off as a slut. I talked about sex a lot more then I should have, because I wanted to look confident. The people I loved started to leave, and I couldn't understand why. The last shred of my dignity went into making love to Brett before he left. I wanted to feel beautiful just one more time. I wanted to feel loved, just one more time. I wanted to feel something, anything, else.

Once he left I couldn't pretend anymore. I was like an addict going through a serious withdrawal, from what I don't know..but I started to everything in excess. Smoking, drinking, even pot. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to be happy, or numb. When people asked me for help I pushed them away because I wasn't ready to help them, I wasn't even ready to help myself.

I wanted to die.

I went to sleep every single day for a week hoping that I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

...that's where I was at last week.

A handful of people that I care about stopped talking to me. Perhaps they were sick of my lies, my mask, or maybe they just had too much going on in their lives. It could be that like with me, before, I am a reminder to them of a bad time in their life. I would understand any of those reasons, but the sad fact is that I don't know the reason...maybe I do, in my heart.

My life is hard, but so is everyone else's.

So what brings us together?

..Hopefully it's the ability to stop and realize that, we are all each other has in this life...friends are hard to come by..

Will my group be kind enough to forgive me? Intelligent enough to realize that I have grown?

........I do not know...

I am ready, finally, after close to seven months, to let the mistakes of my past go...to move forward with my life..

I can't look at pictures of Eddie and I without crying, without seeing all that could have been, and all that will never be..the difference....is that now I can accept that this is the way it is..and will be..

I only have myself..and what I make out of my own life.

...and..that's all I wanted to say..

i'm just a walking my dog

I'm starting to question my sanity..
I feel like i'm acting insane..
I know that I am...

...I'm acting on impulse..because I am so deeply hurt...
...but I think I made a really big step today..
Today I decided that nothing is worth being this hurt over..
...nothing is worth being this fucked up..

So i'm just letting it go..


I have decided that I'm moving
..as soon as possible.

I don't just say it for nothing..I really mean it when I say "I won't be here then..."
I don't plan on being here...

I'm not gonna lie, a certain situation fucked me up, really bad...and I'm about to get it out.
A good friend of mine dropped a load of secrets in my lap one day while I was driving, and it fucked my head up so bad for a really long time..

..it made me think about questions I'd never thought about before..

"What makes a friendship?"
"Under what circumstances do you keep a secret from someone you care about?"
"When is enough, really enough."
"How far do you go for someone you love?"

I think I've answered all of the questions..and I feel a lot more confident about me.
It feels good, in case you're wondering.

Over the past week i've said some fucked up shit..to a lot of people..
I'm not gonna lie...a lot of the time I was stoned..

I feel bad about all of the stuff I said..
I'm only sorry about a handful of things.

I think that once your around a group of people for so long..they start to believe that you can't change..I feel like my friends started to believe that I was incapable of change..because they were all changing so fast..

...I change too..

Uh...I should probably clear some stuff up..
but i'm not gonna...

All I know for sure is the following:

I am confident with myself and where I am going, and no one is going to take that away from me anymore.
I know who a handful of my true friends are, and I intend to spend time with those people.
I am not sorry for the things that I have done, I may question the way that I've done them, but i'm not sorry that they were done.

Things..

I had a really insecure day..it wasn't fun..

I climbed the wall at Dick's..only made it half way to the top..
I know it's because I psyched myself out..and because i'm out of shape..and because I pretty much tried to attack it..

it's okay..but it didn't really help the situation..

I also felt ugly today..like..really ugly...I felt fat..and also like my clothes looked awkward on me..and then I felt awkward..

Which led to me feeling ...incapable with myself and my abilities ..so I put on makeup..but it didn't get any better..

It didn't get better until I called Ed...and cried..and then he talked about how awesome he was and how i'm kinda..awesome too..but not AS awesome..and his ego made me feel better...sorta..

I guess I felt more confident..which was good because then I went out with Sam for coffee..and found out she's probably going to get back together with Brad..I'm happy for her...but it made me sad..because I have no love..

Then I went out with Emily to the hookah bar..and we stayed there until it closed..we were there for like ..4. hours or something outrageous like that..we just talked..about everything..mainly my past...and my childhood and hers and such...and we chilled with Ehab for awhile..which was cool...and we decided on the hookah we're gonna buy for the apartment..which led to a list of things we're gonna buy...which was fun..and reassuring...Emily in general is reassuring..which is why I think I like being around her so much..she pushes me..she's blunt when i'm stupid about things..and I like that..a lot..

I'm excited about my hair...I hope it looks good..I'm gonna get another tattoo and a nose piercing too...rock..

The one thing that's really up my ass right now is that my mother said she's pay my phone bill for me..and then she...didn't..but said she did..so now it's like 100 instead of 50.....i'm really angry...especially because if this mistake means I don't get my 400 dollar security deposit back..i'm going to kill someone...

..anyway..

I'd really like to get this apartment with Emily and Laura Currie...I like them both..and I think it would be the best atmosphere for me to be in right now..we're all three people that are going places but like to party as well...so the apartment would be....colorful..and clean at the same time..and they're girls so I wouldn't have to worry about sleeping with them when I was drunk..which is awesome..

I don't know..just my thoughts..
I got my check today...It made me feel so much better..

Melissa...and I...are pretty much..dead..as far as like..knowing each other is concerned..
I really did like what I saw of TJ...except for the driving of course..I respect her decision..and I'll let her go...it's cool..

...Just that...we aren't going to be as close as we were in the past..because TJ is nothing like me..and I kinda felt like he was pretty judgmental..so ..there's that..

Plus...I'm single...and Lissa's ...not..which is kinda..not good..she doesn't understand where i'm coming from...and I don't understand where she's coming from..

It's in general...not..good...

Don't get me wrong..i'm not saying I don't want to be friends with her..i'm just saying..things are happening..and we're drifting...which has made me realize that this relationship I had with my "best friend" wasn't really what I thought it was...it's more of a friendship of convenience then an actual..respect for the other person's life...I'll always love her..but she's more of a sister then a friend..like..i'll tell my brother Vince things..but not..everything..because I feel like certain things he just wouldn't understand..or would judge me for saying..

Plus..I can't really get over the fact that she bottled everything up from me..and then just unloaded it one day while I was driving..

I understand why she did it...I just..can't get over it...right now..

...so yeah...thats probably what I really came here to write about....and now i'm pretty tired because that was emotional...

I want to be a girl..

I want to create an image for myself..I want a style..I want a look..

I want to feel pretty all the time..
I want people to know who I am by looking at me

I want..to really do all of these things

..I'm getting my hair done on Thursday..

how many more of these types of blogs?

Healthy relationships..that's what i'm into right now.

That's what i'm looking for..
I want to be around people that bring out the best of ..me..

I feel bad for you if you're not on that list of people but you know what?
I'm not sorry.

I'm vain, I'm shallow and i'm selfish..

and if you don't like it fuck you anyway..my life is about ME

One more thing..

There are rules..in our society..I've become aware of this lately..and the unspoken rule of courtesy is that you don't show public displays of affection..it's rude..
and it makes me uncomfortable too..

Thanks.

...

I am constantly reminded of the biggest mistake of my life..

I should just stop trying to fix my life..
Sometimes I think I should just give into it..to this..
this..life..

It's a long shot that he'll take me back..
and it's a long shot that he'll actually fall in love with me..

but they are the only two men I feel anything towards..

I need somebody new..

I need someone to sweep me off my feet

no one reads this anyway

No one reads this anymore anyway...so I might as well pour my heart out..

Eddie I love you...I will always love you..
6 months since you fell out of love with me..and i'm still waiting..

A whole 4 days where we did nothing but talk about how I needed to move on..
and i'm still waiting..

EDDIE- you are the best thing that's ever happened to me..to my life..
You bring me so much good..it makes me speechless sometimes..

Your the only person I want..and I know...I know what I said..I know I said i'd try...and I am..I will..try harder..but in this moment..in this ..tiny little moment..

I would just like to say...that i'm sorry for my mistakes..
I'm sorry I was such a shitty fucking person..
I'm sorry I ruined our relationship..

*starts crying*

I'm sorry I cheated..I'm so sorry..I'm so so sorry..

I would give anything..anything..
I will miss you forever..

I'll miss your smell..your smile..your touch..

I'm crazy..I know I am..
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize what I had..
I'm sorry i'm not perfect..
I'm not good enough, pretty enough..stable enough..for you to love me back..

I want you to be proud of me..
I'm changing my life..

I'm not a cheater anymore..

...never again..

And I REFUSE to surround myself with people who are.

Be proud my love..
and know that I miss you..

God I hope this helps..I hope writing this down helps..

I want it out of my system..

I want to move on..because I dont want to become creepy..

...I guess what i'm saying here is..goodbye..I will always love you...and i'm sorry..for everything I did..

Horny ass hell..

I am horny.

I want some fucking crazy sex.

I want..pain..I want..insanity..

damn.

..

okay..so i'm one day into this..
I'm fucking insane..

When this is all over I am going to cry..so very hard..
I wasn't quite sure what would happen..but I am being used...deliciously used..
and it's by the one person I thought I would hate forever..
..and I can't help it...

He has my heart..he has my heart..
How is this supposed to end?
When I go back to the airport will I be handed my heart back and given a pat on the back and a "thanks for the sex al"

..I dont wan't to talk about this because the more I do the more I am certain it is a grave mistake that I am making, and the more I realize how big of a mistake this is..the more I want to stop doing it.. but I can't..

I've worked so hard to get here..and now...if feels like I haven't gone..anywere

He started it...I wasn't gonna make a move..he made it first...these five words keep repeating over and over again in my head .....dont give him your heart....

..I miss my Eddie.. and with all the shit going on in my fucking life..the thought of just maybe...having someone there..no one wants to be alone..but me especially..me especially right now.. I dont want to be alone! ...I dont want this heartbreak

I dont want this heartbreak....

I can't remember

I can't remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end.

My life is fucked up.

I know this...

I also know that there is one person who's life is far more fucked then mine is..
..she just doesn't know it yet..

I'm worried. Really worried.

She is gonna get her heartbroken or worse...
and there is nothing I can do to help her..
because she doesn't care what I have to say..

..because if she did she'd fucking talk to me.

Everyone keeps telling me to say how I feel..
Okay..

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND.
YOU DONT TALK TO ME.
DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?

..what the fuck is that shit about..

I thought we were one person..remember? REMEMBER? That's what you said.

...Liar.

I love them but..

I love my family to death but...

Right now they are being so incredibily annoying.
I'm really tired..and really worn out from shopping..it's christmas eve..I just want to go home..

I miss talking to Eddie..

I'm really nervous about this trip..

I know what's going to happen..
I'm going to cry

I hate crying..

Okay..i'm a little drunk ..right now..

doctors take the pain away

I went to the doctor today

I feel so much better
..She said everything looks fine

I look fine.

It's the first time i've felt normal in a long time
Like a normal teenage girl

I like that..

I'm not having unprotected sex anymore.
I promise myself.

I will try not to have unprotected sex anymore.

My blood pressure is perfect, I feel good about everything
The stess is melting away
Christmas is coming

..and Eddie hasn't made me feel like shit in two days!!
Because I haven't talked to him.

Yesss..

Maybe it is..just that simple.

There's this one person..that has been making me feel special lately..
but shhh...it's a secret..

My own personal fall out..

Eddie. I'm happy for you, you asshole.
Even though you weren't there for me to back me up with my dreams,
I'm still happy for you.

Even though it was more important to chill with Carla and Ian when I was going to drive myself into oncoming traffic..

I'm still happy for you.

I'm your own personal ego booster..fuck off
I'm still happy for you

You'll be a perfect doctor,
Maybe just a little bad on the bedside manner..
*Gives you the middle finger*

Note to self...

Carla had a good idea, i'm stealing it:

I like hearing my brother's laugh, it makes my day.

Melissa has the coolest siblings i've ever met, ever.

I miss Voodoo, if this trip is terrible, seeing that cat will be worth it.

I will not break out, no, not happening, my face will listen to me.

I can't wait to be done with classes.

Laura is my oldest friend, and i'll always try to respect her.

In nineteen days I will let go of all the personal shit even if it kills me.

I will let the fact that I blew it with the most beautiful women i've ever known go..okay..i'll try to let it go..

I will except the fact that more then one person is going to use my car.

I will not smoke hookah every single day.

I will try my hardest not to become insane when talking to Eddie.

When I forgive someone I will stick to it.

I miss watching Lost.

I will try to watch what I eat, and I will drink more water.

...okay..i'm good for now..

Wrapped up in my security blanket

Did you know I have a security blanket?
Literally. A blanket.

...well I do.

I don't bring it out that often, mostly when i'm depressed.
I've been known to actually take it to school.

High school...i'm doing pretty well with the college classes.

I've got it on right now..i'm pretty sure that means i'm depressed, but I don't really know what's making me sad.

I think it's the Death cab for cutie..

I'm listening to this song "Marching bands of Manhattan"
This song is really beautiful.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pin hole,
just like a faucet that drips and there is comfort in the sound.
And whether you think it's half empty or half full,
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown."

I love this song.

I have so much on my plate right now, it's overwhelming. I should just do it, but I'm tired..and I don't want too, and that's really the thing, I don't want to.

I just want to be in the car with Brett, at the park, making love quietly while it snows outside.

I just want to be sleeping in the same bed as Eddie, feeling safe, feeling taken care of, feeling isolated from all the real shit in my life.

Real shit, like the fact that when Brett comes out here agian, I'm going to tell him that i'm in love with him, that I want to be with him in whatever way he'll let me.

Real shit like the fact that I have all these finals, and I just want to pass my classes, that's all I want, is just to not loose it at the last minute like I always do.

Real shit. Like my life. My life that I keep hiding from.

I don't want to be sad, I don't want to be trapped, I just want to be me..
I can't really remember the last time I was me, and not me and someone else.

I know what people think when I say that i'm in love. They think I'm just in love with the idea, of being in love. I never was really good at the whole relationship thing. I know this..and the truth of it is, I don't really want a relationship, not right now..

I'm not over the shitty ass mistakes I made in the last one.

But I want to love someone, with my whole heart. That desire has never left me.

I want it to be Brett. I want it to be him, because it's impossible, because it's not right down the street, because he doesn't want me.

..and I will always want what I think I can't have. I want to be surprised at the fact that I might actually get it, despite all odds. That is the best kind of love, the type you don't think you deserve, but really deep down know you do.

I'm tired of waiting for the clock to tick down to the moment when my life starts. It's a feeling deep in my chest that i'm waiting to be ignited.

"Why do you love me?"
"Because you make me come alive."

You can think that i'm a child if you want, but these are the thoughts of a mature women. I've been around the block, given..I might have had my security blanket over my shoulders...but i've been there, i've been low and i've been high..

and right now..I just want to be something.

Dont look at my legs...

so ..yeah.. I was wondering where this would fit into my life..

when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive but, you see,
it's more productive than if i were to be happy

you might say it's self-destructive but,
you see, i'd kick the bucket sixty times
before i'd kick the habit

i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline i've tried everything

You're (your) only concerned with your hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading
makes me want to give myself a beating....

Yeah..
So..dont look at my fucking legs anytime soon.

What I want..

I'm just gonna drown in the deliciousness of this for a moment:


You tell me where to go
and though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

oh god.

Brett.Makes.Me.So.Happy.

This is not healthy..
BUT I DONT CARE!!!!!

I have tears in my eyes, because for the first time in..such a long time
I'm in love.
I'M IN FUCKING LOVE!!

*screams*

Oh my god. Something was just fixed in my body
I'm crying..i'm fucking crying..haha..this is awesome..

...maybe I ate too much chocolate..
Nope.
It's brett.

...*sigh*

Yesssssssssssssssssss

blow it away in a bubble

Okay..The hate is gone..

I blew it away in a bubble..and now it's gone

I am a selfish person I know this now..
I dont like people touching my things
retired or otherwise

If it was mine..I dont want you putting your fucking (supposedtobelesbian) hands on it.

...so maybe i'm still a little mad..

I'll let it go..in time..

...bitch..

Slut WHAT?

Okay..

I'm definately a slut..
I am.

Not a whore..but a slut..

and you know..I can handle that..

I thought about it a lot..and

What's wrong with that?
I dont believe in God..
So i'm not going to hell for anything..

I want to do the things I do..
So...I'm not angry at myself anymore..

So i'm good with what i've done..
I dont make any promises to any boys.

I'm fuckin single..and as such that means I can
Touch. Kiss. Suck. Fuck. Any boy I choose.

umm...yeah.

I'm okay with that..

Partying my life away

I'm in a good mood.
A very good mood.

I figured out a few things.

I'm a straight A student..
I'm good looking..
I love getting trashed.

I had an awesome night last night..and you know
I forgot about all the SHIT
and when I thought about it today..

It was ...small..

so PARTY! That is the key, my key, to not being so fucking depressed.

I knew I picked this blog for a reason..

Watch me party hard.

Truce

What if your like that when I get down there?

Jason?
Where are you? Come get me.

I am incomplete.

I am incomplete.

Just say WE WERE LOVERS..and we'll call it even..

I am the ground zero x-friend you ordered
Disguised as a hero to get past your boarders
I know when I'm wanted, i'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own busniess and speak when i'm spoken to

I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit, and attack when attacked.

..so..this sucks

Well..

I really did it..I booked that ticket..

and it would appear as though i'm going to GA..the 29th through the 2nd..

I'm probably fucking nuts..
I know i'm fucking nuts..

Maybe i'll get closure..although I cant imagine how that would help..

I just want to see my friend..

The worst part about it? I can't tell anyone except Amanda..and as happy as she is..it's not the same..ha...I used to count down on my fingers..

...I dont know..

My head's all cloudy...

I just..want to go back to the beginning..
even if that's impossible..

My mom is actually gonna take me..


Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state i'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tone
That I started looking for a warning sign

The truth is..that I miss you
yeah, the truth is
that I miss you
and i'm tired..

I'm just so tired..

can you

Can I love someone even though I barely know him?

Can I love someone that I hardly ever see?

I don't know..but I can tell you this..

..It seems to be the only thing that works for me..
nothing is stronger then the way I feel when I'm imagining how good it would be
Just to see him..

So i'm pretending..
So what?

So what, if that's enough for me?

I don't care what you think.

Because it makes me happy..
and I don't want real love

...I don't want reality
..not right now..

I want my imagination
I want my fantasy's

I want to dream for a month until I finally make those dreams come true...

and maybe then..I'll let go

But not a minute before...

So let me do this,
Let me be co-dependent

Let me dream...
and don't stop me until I wake up..


"The heart dies a slow death, sheading hope like leaves on a tree, until there are none. She paints her face to hide her face..."

alive

I think if I hand an animal..i'd be a happier person..

..lol...

I've been laughing a lot..

thinking about everything in my life..

and you know..being alive is enough for me..
I'm happy i'm alive..

what the fuck?

So..this is annoying..

I just took my online test for sociology..and couldn't answer one of the questions because there wasn't an answer space for it..

..uh..it knocked my grade down to a C when if should be an A...

I'm annoyed about this..like whoa.

I was thinking..

Shove it up your ass
I am nothing but nice to you..

and all you do is ignore me?

Shove it.
Asshole.

so i'm a bit upset

Time: 5:56pm

So...I feel..icky..

We're really over..
Shit.
Why did I buy birthday presents..

Oh shit.

I don't want to be this girl..

I don't want to be this girl anymore..








*sigh*
I guess this is my giving up song?
You win..babe..




We can split germany right down the middle
You'd hate it there anyway
Take berlin and we'll call it even

you call it over and i call you psycho
significant other? just say we were lovers!
And we'll call it even, we'll call it even.

I am the ground zero ex-friend you ordered
Disgused as a hero to get past your borders
I know when I'm wanted
I'll leave if you ask me to
Mind my own business
and speak when I'm spoken to

I am the tower around which you orbited
I am not proud, I am just taking orders
I fall to the ground within hours of impact
I hit back when hit and attack when attacked!

And if we should see one another in passing
Aespite these techniques there is sometimes no avoiding
(there must be some kind of mistake)

We'll raise high our white flags and bow heads and shake hands
Declaring the land we're on unamerican

My place may be taken, but make no mistake
I can say without shame That you've lost
Do you know what you've lost?

So take whatever you'd like
You won't sleep very tight
No hiding No safe covers
Make your bed and now lie
Just like you always do

Am I just tired..or am I tired?

I'm tired.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I know what's gonna eventually happen, I can feel it

I'm gonna wear myself out and whatever pieces are left will be picked up by someone

...and i'll just be with them..

a broken person..

Honestly I don't know
maybe i'll push through this..


maybe I wont..

It's a weird time in my life currently

Every thing ..all my emotions are so scrambled and bleh..

Maybe i'll learn how to let go..

right now i'm just tired..

Tired..of everything.

God I feel for you..

Well...
Long weekend..

Thursday: 3 hour drive to see "Blue Man Group" and then a 3 hour drive back
Friday: Class and then "Dresden Dolls" concert
Saturday: Carving Pumpkins and then "Too Much Light"

I am seriously tired.
and my head hurts..

....I have way too good of a life..

Denny's at 3 in the morning...ha..I could barely stay awake long enough to eat my fries..

I miss Amanda..

Lissa and I have been bickering..
Maybe we're just not off our periods yet..

It doesn't matter..we love each other..

As far as my love life goes...

At Too Much Light they asked everyone who was in a relationship to stand at one point and I thought about standing, I even started to..and then I sat...and you know? I was okay with that..

Because I'd rather not get hurt at all..

Alone is good.

...I think I can do this alone thing...

...Especially with Eddie....keeping me ..company..

ha.

I told him yesterday...

"You broke my heart, and then you saw the pieces of it hit the floor and you got scared, so you picked them up, and now your holding them in your hand..."

...but holding them in the wrong way is gonna make my heart heal funny...

I can already feel that happening.

I need a shower

I need a shower

I realized that I can just type and my blog automatically turns the font to white.
That's the shit.

I think I pretty much have normality back,
I feel a lot better.

Stupid period.

*sigh*

That breakdown was pretty bad though..
I don't know how i'm gonna clean up this mess i've made..

*harder sigh*

There are three colleges in IL that I can go to for interpreting school..
Harpor
Wybonzee
and Columbia..

I'm leaning towards Columbia because it's a university..
I think I might look around in other states..but the language is different
So it would be better for me if I stayed here..

I have a least one more year at Triton though..

Man I need a shower..

I forgave Mike..
Maybe that wasn't the best idea..
It'll play out..

*sigh*

Eddie..*sigh*..
Eddie is a headache I give myself..

I should just not worry about him..
I'm just..not...gonna worry about him..
He'll be fine..

He'll find happiness..
and as soon as he does..
I'll let go.

It's probably better this way..
I've found that if someone waits for you
They really do love you.

So..we'll see how that goes..

Wherever this road takes me..I know happiness is at the end of it..

...I hope...I hope happiness is at the end of it..

I forgot to say

I'm sorry..

For whatever that's worth..i'm sorry that I just walked away the way I did.

For some reason I thought neither of you would understand why..
But you do..

Thank you for understanding..

I don't know what my plan is ..

right now i'm just...waiting..

waiting for something to happen with my emotions.

Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

2:40 pm

okay...I've completely lost it.

100% gone crazy.

I could wait forever.
I would wait forever.
I will wait...as long as it takes...

I don't think it's possible for me to ever have a love like the one I had with Eddie.
Yeah..sometimes it was terrible..
Yeah..sometimes I wasn't even in love with him..

...But at least it was fuckin real.

And if I have to wait forever to get back to that..

...I will.

100% insane right now.

Maybe i'll find someone better.
I don't want someone better..
...not right now, not at this second

I want Eddie.

Even if it's just for a fucking second...

I want that FUCKING FEELING IN MY GODDAMN STOMACH.
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING DURING SEX
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING JUST BEING AROUND THE PERSON.

I WANT TO FUCKING LOVE SOMEONE!!!!!

....I'm tired...i'm so fucking tired of not loving anyone..

The truth? The honest to god truth?
The only time I feel love is when i'm on the phone with him..

and even then...it's this faded memory of what I used to have.
He's right...he's absolutely right when he says i'm hanging on..

I fucking am.
I am hanging on with every muscle in my body..

because if I let go..

....that means i'm alone...

and I hate being alone..
alone hurts
alone makes me write blogs like this..

....I need to be underneath someone who fucking loves me..
...who I love back.

Even if it's just one more time..before I die..

and I dont even care how fucked up I am right now
I dont care.




Should have left alone what you had stolen from everyone..

Where am I in terms of getting over Eddie?
Well..

I know he isn't coming back. I know that.
I know that even if he came back, it's not time for us to be together.

I still love him..i'm still in love with him..
...it's different that full on lust...but it's still..lustful...

He's my friend.

He's my best friend.

..and all I really want is to enjoy being his friend...
and maybe sometimes have sex...

I've learned that having sex with someone doesn't automatically mean you love them.
My mistake.

But when you find that person that you sleep with..because you love them..

..it's so good.

That you only meant well (well of course you did)
That's it all for the best (oh yeah you know it is)
That's it's just what we need (who decided this)

Pain killer..

Okay..
well..
I like this new blog..

...I think we'll do it like this for awhile..

well..

I've just hit a fence
I blacked out before I hit it..
on 25th ave..
I'm not..telling anyone..

Maybe the circumstances of my life are a bit more serious then i'd like to admit..

The dust has only just begun to fall...

Saturday, October 14, 2006


Better pack your bags and run
Or stay until the job is done
Baby you could sit and hope
That providence will fray the rope
And sink like a stone
Or go it alone

There will consequences that come along with breaking up with the person who was previously my best friend.
There will be consequences that come with hurting her feelings.
There will be consequences that come from deciding to pick the same classes of the person your attempting to be in a relationship with..

There isn't much chance of coming out clean.

....but...I can breathe..
I'm not worried about my emotions anymore
..And if loosing her is a consequence of living the way I want to
...then I have to do that..

It hurts...really bad..
the thought of not having her in my life at all...
That hurts.

but it doesn't hurt as bad as it would if I forced myself to be happy..
....so I know i'm doing the right thing..
The right thing for me..
for my sanity.


I need to be ...single..
I need to look around..
To shop around..
to go to a real college..

To be a real person.

Just one peron.
Not a 1/3 of a person..


If no one understand that..okay.
Because I do..

and I think that's all that matters..


And isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
Isn't it enough for you
Isn't it enough?
For you...

And isn't it enough to prove today's the day?
Isn't it enough to prove today's the day?

It'll play out however it plays out..

Okay..here it is..

I'm not ready.
I'm not healthy.
I'm not happy.

So..i'm gonna work on those things first, if that's okay with you..

I'm tired of not caring about how I feel..

not anymore.

I will not push my emotions aside anymore, to try and make someone else happy..
I just can't do that anymore..

It hurts...it hurts my body...and you know what?

That was okay for awhile..because I was making you happy (steve)
but...I can't get hurt anymore..I don't like forcing myself to do something because people are telling me it's the right move..

I'm gonna figure out what the right move is for myself, if that's okay with you..

I'm sorry to you Steve..i'm sorry for emblishing the truth..
but you seemed so confident that you loved me..and that was..overwhelming..especially for someone who had just come out of a relationship...and didn't feel loved..

I let myself get caught up in the fact that you said you would take care of me..that you said you would never leave me..that you made all these promises...and I was so caught up that I wasn't even thinking of my own emotions...but i'll tell you the truth...

I don't really know you..
and I don't know if I can love you..

because I dont know if I can love anyone right now..

I know people only care about their own emotions..and I know there must be an ocean of thoughts spinning around in your head..and I can understand that..but eventually..I hope you'll forgive me for lying...
I just wanted you to be happy..

and I thought your promises would be enough..but they just aren't...and i'm so sorry..

..and to Melissa..

I can't make you happy..not in the way you want me to..
I'm not that person..at least...i'm not right now..
I'm still in love with Eddie..and it's gonna take some time for that to fade..
I'm still in love with Brett...and that's gonna have to play out..

I'm sorry if you feel like I led you on..
But like I said...I did what I thought you wanted..and I thought my happiness would just..follow..
but it didn't.

I AM NOT READY TO PLAN OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE.
I AM NOT READY TO BE FAITHFUL TO JUST ONE PERSON.


I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to think..
I'm eighteen yrs old...and I need to feel...

I'm not happy...and I'm not making either of you happy..

I'm not healthy..and I'm just going to end up hurting both of you if you force me to stay any longer..

I'm so sorry..for any pain you're feeling..for any anger..

If you think I cheated you out of something i'll make it up to you however you want me too..

...okay...that's...pretty much it..

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
Sir Winston Churchill

... the desire to scream will turn into silent tears if you wait long enough...

I've been falling into these holes lately. I cry for the death of my past. The fadeing of my memories. I can't remember how it smelt. I can't remember what it looked like..I remember how I felt..but what is that worth..I feel things everyday. All these people do all this talking, about what we've lost..what we think we have..

It's all bullshit.

I'm going to die one day..
and no matter how much i've lived
I will never have really lived.

"You will never be more beautiful then you are now,
we will never be here again.
Everything is more beautiful,
Because we're doomed"

"What do you want Al?"
"I want it to not hurt anymore.."

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

"I want something?"
"What?"
"The soundtrack to The Last Kiss"
"Okay"

This is the straw, final straw
in the Roof of my mouth
as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry
doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it at the time

"He'd get me anything I needed.."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. It's like..he's everything I could ever need in a relationship"
"But..."
"What about what I want?"

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

"We're all striving to get back to something that we had once..
but I can't even remember what it felt like when I was there.."
"But you know it was great."
"Was it?"

October here I come!

WHEE!!

I love October so much!!
I have two concerts to go to for sure, six flags
and sex

Lots of sex
I like sex
Especially when I love the people i'm having it with

I have a good good feeling about this month
I forsee good things

I forsee healing
and love
And sex
and life

I am so looking forward to this shit

BEYAHHHH!!!