My life..

Our heat's broken..how the fuck does that happen?

I'm freezing my god damn ass off..

What is happening to my life?

I want to get an apartment with Sam, but at the same time I really don't because then i'll be stuck here..and I don't want to be stuck here..ever..

I wanna leave, I wanna just go..I've only been back for a week and i'm already losing it..

This is not the kind of life I want..

..I think I might actually kill myself..

eddie

So I've realized that i'm not over you

and that there's nothing I can do about it..

..and now I dont know what to do about the fact that you don't want me

..how could you just..not want me..

I've thought and thought inside and out..about myself..as a person..

...and I think i'm pretty awesome..

I'm not the most attractive person in the world..but.

..neither are you..

I thought we were a good pair...

I just miss you very...very much..

I wanna see you so bad..I would give anything..

..anything..

I miss you..

...I wish you missed me..

We're human beings..we don't have that much time..and when it's up..we're just going to look

back..I don't want to regret..

I know I love you..so much..and I just don't want to be forced into saying goodbye to someone..

I feel this way about..

You would probably say i'm young..i'll find someone else..

but the truth is..I don't WANT someone else..because no one makes me feel the way you do..

..there's so much I can't do anything about..do many things I won't be able to change your mind about..

...and it hurts..it's the worst pain I know

..To know that i'll never have..you..again..hurts ..because you were so amazing

..I miss your hands on my body..and the way it felt when I would lay on top of you..I miss your

family..I miss your land..feeling like I could talk to you about anything in the world

Do you miss me at all?
Do you think of me..at all?

What about us..about the good?

If you do..why don't you tell me that..ever?...I want to hear it..

I miss your bed in the dark..I miss how good it felt not to be in my own

...but none of this matters to you..and you probably didn't even make it this far..

jesus fucking christ

I hate my nose screw.

It's like..what could have possibly made my day worse? What could possibly make it worse for

me before my vacation? MY FUCKING NOSE SCREW FELL OUT!!

Jesus Christ, I'm so frustrated..

I've been talking to myself for like an hour...

trying to pump myself up

"you wanna be a doctor, you can do this"

"it's just a nose screw"

"You rock Al, YOU ROCK, you can do this!!"

...I can't do this..i've been screwing a million different ways and it's not going in GAHHHHHH

So I finally grabbed a regular earring like ..one you put in your ear..and I jammed it in there

Fuck this shit, i'm going to bed..

..my nose is so red..and raw..

Fuck screws..I want my ring NOW.

Did you ever feel..

5:04am

I decided that i'm not going to forsake this blog anymore..

Myspace is all well and good, but this is my journal..this is where I can be me..
The people who really love me will be good enough to know the link here..

Today was a terrible day..
I cried myself to sleep last night, and woke up with crusty stuff on my eyes,

I hate that.

I had the most stupid lab of my life, the freakin' cheek cell lab that i've done at least a 100 times..

I shouldn't have even gone, it so wasn't worth it..

Things got a little better when Mike (big mike) and I went out to eat

and then things fell hard, really hard..when my card didn't work..
What the fuck?

That's the third time in a month..

You need to understand something about my past first;

I come from a family where sometimes we just wouldn't have cash..

We'd buy a weeks worth of Grocery's and get to the cashier to find out

that our check didn't work..and we'd have to leave everything..right there..

So in conclusion..I have issues with my card not working..because it makes me feel poor
Like I should be apologizing..

Right now..at this second..I have over 200 in my account..so why?
Why didn't it work?

Why did I have to be embarrassed in front of a man I like?

I didn't smoke though,

So if nothing else, it proved that I can be strong..

My face really hurts

Mike and I sat there for 3 and 1/2 hours playing Gin, talking, and making

lists of final fantasy characters..and you know..he reminds me of home..

I like this new layout, and I think i'll keep it for awhile..wanna hear a story?


okay..

So when I went to see Eddie, we got to spend three days at his house..all alone..
and there were times when I got to just sit outside, in the middle of the

winter..and it wasn't cold, it was just perfect, and I got to look out on his

land..and how beautiful it was..and I could close my eyes..and just ..be...

It actually took my head awhile to stop spinning, but eventually, I could

close my eyes and just let myself meditate, and then opening my eyes on that amazing land with those amazing stars..

..I realize now that I wouldn't live any other way..
I can't wait until my trip to U of I
..Tomorrow..
I can't wait..

I close my eyes, and see London, Scotland, Georgia, Indiana..all the places i've been

..and I know that I am not supposed to stay in one place..

I think part of the reason Eddie was so perfect for me was because he was

a reminder of everything I wanted, and everywhere I wanted to be..

I understand why he left..I'm just one person..
and people like us are not supposed to have just one person..

..at least not now anyway..

I think my head is seriously bruised..

I want to buy the movie "What dreams may come"

I do in fact think it's time for sleep..

I'll leave you with this..though..

"I want somebody to share the rest of my life
Share my inner most thoughts
and my intimate details"

insane

Not writing makes me go insane..

I am all alone..

everyone who wanted to leave..left..and now I am all alone..

the only person who might understand me is Em, because she tried to leave, but didn't get far enough away, and now she's just as fucked as I am..which is why we make a good pair..I think..

I told Eddie I wanted to see him...which I do..and when he said he didn't have the time, I pretty much told him i'm going crazy..and then he signed off..and I cried..

It's not even really about Eddie..

It's about getting out of here..far far away from here..

I hate it here...I hate everything about here..

Dominic punched me in the face today...

I am trapped...and i'm losing my dreams...

they slip through my fingers more every day..

I just..want to be..anywhere but here..

I want a home...I want a home of my own

Where is my happiness?
How do I find it?

I don't need a shrink...because I know i'm not crazy..

Anyone would agree with me that I live in a shit-hole..

SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY!!!!

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE..
oh god...someone help me...

I can't breathe..

and I don't know how to get back to the place where I could..

I need taking care of..because I can't do this by myself anymore..

...someone hold me...or at least knock me out..

I wish this pain would just knock me out..

fuck valentines day

I just thought i'd say it in advance, because i'm probably going to be too depressed to say it on the actual day..

Fuck you Valentine's Day.

I will be trying my hardest not to think of him on that day..and it probably won't work..and he'll probably end up being the only thing I DO think about ..and so..fuck you..in the ass..

...*Sigh*...

Three years went by way to fast...and Time goes by too slow now..